For Filly's Sake
Half a week down, several, several more to go. I’m surprised that Twilight hasn’t expressed a bit of nervous hatred for me yet. I tried to teach her that same spell again, and again, and again, yet she still struggles with it, and often at times, she justs gets frustrated and quits, pouting all the way back to swings each time. I love her to death, but I’m her foalsitter for Celestia’s sake! I should be better than this!
But I guess you can’t please everypony, not even yourself...
“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake...”
“Why do you talk to yourself sometimes, Cadance?” asked Twilight, dismounting the swing seat after having sat on it for nearly a half-hour, her backside starting to become very sore from the hard, yet ironically enjoyable wooden surface.
“It’s just a little hobby of mine,” replied Cadance, rolling her shoulders and smiling.
“Seems kind of weird, doesn’t it?”
“To you maybe, but to me, it’s just a way of entertaining myself, but when nopony’s looking of course,” said Cadance with a wink.
“Whatever,” said Twilight, shrugging her shoulders. “Can we do something else today?”
“You don’t want to read? It’s that time you know, and we’ve got quite a while before the guards arrive to pick you up.”
“Yeah, but I want a little...more of something...” Twilight moved away from the swings and gazed at the clusters of houses and tall buildings of Canterlot afar.
“What do you mean, Twilight?”
“This playground is gonna get boring eventually, and I’ve already read every book in your bag, including those magazines you bring along sometimes.”
“You’ve been snooping around in my bag?” Cadance gasped, hoping to Celestia that the little filly didn’t peek at her “private” issues. “Twilight--”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry for taking what isn’t mine, but this is different...”
Cadance sighed, feeling relieved. Twilight was right. It may have only been a few days since they first met, but the playground was not very big, and it was very rare to see another pony come around to such a secluded place, only to see them canter away in a nervous sweat once they realized that they were in the presence of royalty. Sure, it was scary at times for some ponies to fear a meeting with royalty face to face --Prince Blueblood put that statement to work when he once banished a mother and her child for having touched his expensive coat without asking--, but princesses need friends too! It’s not like they spit acid in your face as a greeting or force you to lick the ground upon which they walk. Outside of their everyday lives, they just want to be treated like normal ponies. Cadance knew this from experience, having asked Princess Celestia to visit the city, only to return to her bedchamber that night to sob into her pillow after seeing pony after pony turn away with anxiety if she did so much as glance in their general direction.
“Cadance?” said Twilight, turning back to face her foalsitter. “Can we go into the city? I wanna...see my brother...”
“See your brother?” Cadane expended Twilight’s plea. The purple-haired filly nodded her head.
“My brother’s training to become part of Celestia’s royal guard. The place where he trains isn’t far from here, but it’s kind of off-limits to some ponies, and I was kind of hoping that you...well, with you being a princess and all...”
“You were hoping that I could get you inside so you could visit your brother, weren’t you?” asked Cadance, topping off the filly’s unfinished request.
Twilight frowned, her hopes feeling as if they have been crushed under her own optimistic accusations.
“Well...” Cadance started, worrying for Twilight. “I could--”
“No, forget it. I know, it’s a stupid idea...” Loose tears started to form in the corners of her eyes as Twilight hung her head low, whatever scraps of hope left behind turning to cold dust in her little soul.
“Nonono! Don’t cry, Twilight. I can get you inside, don’t worry. You’ll get to see your brother,” Cadance cooed, placing a hoof underneath Twilight’s chin, lifting the somber filly’s head back up. Cadance, no matter how hard she could have tried, could never ignore a sad filly, having already done this with Twilight several times before after several failed trials of her levitation spell.
“You promise?” Twilight moaned, staring deep into Cadance’s eyes with hopeful eyes of her own.
“I promise. Don’t worry. I promise.” Cadance replied, lightly hugging the filly while patting her on the back. Twilight, feeling rejuvenated of spirit and full of wondrous expectations, smiled warmly and hugged Cadance back. It was as if all the world were at peace, and nothing could break the bond between the two friends, no matter how young it was.
“Besides...” said Cadance, flaring up her horn with bright pink magic, wrapping Twilight in a veil of colorful auras and tossing the happy filly onto her back. Twilight giggled noisily into her hoof upon landing, her nose being tickled by the loose ends of her foalsitter’s bundled mane.
“I’m not gonna let my bestest little friend stay a sad and somber pony all day!” exclaimed Cadance, smiling, her words full of cheer. Twilight, feeling that her own words of thanks would not be enough, hugged Cadance’s neck from behind, thankfully rubbing her face into the pink princess’s soft, unmatted fur. Cadance was finally starting to feel like a true foalsitter; a true friend to the one she cared for, no matter the situation.
“C’mon, let’s go,” said Cadance, starting off down the nearest cobblestone pathway through the gardens, passing tree after tree, flower patch after flower patch. “I’m sure that we can get inside to see your brother!”
~~~~~
“What do you mean we can’t go inside to see her brother?!’” Cadance protested after being stopped at the front gate of Canterlot’s militarian style boot camp by an old, armor-clad guard. The guard must have certainly done his duty for Equestria, for his chestplate was pinned with dozens of shiny, elegantly-designed medals that jingled with each little move he made. His tough, brutish bulk, riddled with scars and matted with old age, made Twilight shield herself from view behind her foalsitter’s head as the scene unfolded.
“For the last time, Mrs. Cadenza, I can not allow you inside to speak with Shining Armor. His training is much more valuable to the protection of Equestria than some petty family visit,” the old war-stallion dictated.
“Oh, come on! Out of every other guard I’ve talked to here, you’re the only one who actually decides to say something? What if your family wanted to visit you here? What would you say to them?!” said Cadance, courageously continuing the argument with thunderous vigor.
“Personally? I would tell them to buck off. My teenage years weren’t exactly pleasant. Why do you think I’m still serving?” The use of such vulgar language only brought Cadance’s frustration to a boil. Thankfully, Twilight was expecting the crotchety stallion to say such a word, quickly covering her ears with her hooves only moments before it was spoken. Cadance’s sighed with relief on the inside, thanking her lucky stars that Twilight knew when to expect such harsh language.
“So, that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” said Cadance, smiling slyly.
“That’s that, Mrs. Cadenza. You may be a part of the royal family, but only under the highest of orders, I can not allow anypony such visits.”
The old stallion was really starting to get on Cadance’s nerves. Who does this pony think he is? Doesn’t he have any respect for young mares? What would he say if he saw a filly like Twilight crying because she was denied a simple visit with her brother? Would he tell her to buck off too? That kind of behavior wasn’t going to fly with a certain angry foalsitter.
“See that precious armor of yours?” Cadance asked, skeptically looking over the old stallions plate coatings.
“Excuse me?” the stallion grunted through his raspy mustache and greyish beard.
“It would be a shame to see that armor, with you in it of course, land on the surface of a certain lunar body if Princess Celestia...” Cadance leaned forward and whispered the rest of her cunningly-placed threat into the stallion’s hairy ear. After she uttered a certain punishment from a certain princess that would be brought down upon the stupid, wrinkly head of a certain guard pony, the ages-old stallion’s eyes went wide as beads of cold sweat started to drip down from his forehead, landing on the ground beneath him. Feeling satisfied with herself, as devious of a feeling it was, Cadance pulled away from the stallion’s ear, smiling coyly.
“Get the picture?” said Cadance, raising an eyebrow with a devious look in her eyes to co-op with her devilish smile.
The old stallion swallowed a hard lump in his throat, grovelling to let out a response.
“R-right, miss--”
“Miss?”
“P-princess Cadenza. P-please, follow me.”
With fear stuck, nailed, and riveted to his face, the stallion nervously guided Cadance with Twilight on her back through the barred front gate and into the boot camp. Guards on standby watched as the couple passed them by, only to snap back to attention when Cadance glanced in their direction. Her little talk with the soldier of honor has certainly struck terror into the hearts of Equestria’s finest. She giggled silently to herself, relishing in the results of her newfound hobby.
The old stallion led the two into a large, tarp-covered tent with no coverings on any of its four sides, exposing the tent to the elements save those from the sky above. Dozens upon dozens of neatly made-up, equally-spread apart bunk beds stretched across the entire length of the tent, a small, wooden chest at the foot of each one. He turned to the right and started down the first row until he came to a sudden stop at one of the many empty look-alikes.
“Stay here, in the barracks,” ordered the stallion. “I’ll return with Captain Armor in a minute.” The old coot made his way out of the tent, mumbling inaudible swears under his breath.
“Captain Armor?” Cadance queried, cocking her head.
“Yeah!” Twilight shouted. “My big brother’s training to become captain of the royal guard! He’s been training really hard for it too!”
“From what I understand, it would take quite a while to become a captain. When was the last time you saw your brother?” Cadance asked.
“Well...” Twilight started, putting a hoof to her chin. Her mind drew a blank; probably from all of her recent studying. “The last time I saw him was when I first enrolled as Celestia’s private student, but it’s just so hard to remember these things...” said Twilight with a frown.
Cadance reached over and brushed her hoof through Twilight’s mane, caressing her soft, purple hair with gentle, calming strokes. “It’s alright, Twilight. I got you in here, didn’t I? Just like a promised. You’ll get to see your brother. Just wait and see.”
“Dude, check it out...” whispered a voice nearby.
“Dude, is that the princess?” whispered a new voice.
“Umm...Cadance?” Twilight leaned forward and hissed into her foalsitter’s ear.
“Don’t worry, Twilight,” said Cadance, glancing over her shoulder at two young colts peeking at her backside from around the corner of one of the nearby bunk beds. They must have been new recruits, for they wore only a single badge and were void of any type of armor plating, their only coverings being their short-cut manes and a brown jacket draped over their shoulders. She could barely make out their coat colors, but that wasn’t important right now, so long as they got their just desserts. “I’ll take care of these two...”
“Mmm...that flank...”
“Are you serious, dude? That’s the princess!”
“Hey!” Cadance angrily yelled, spinning around on a dime, causing the two colts to jolt out of their meager cover in fear, their legs quivering where they stood. Their faces now revealed, it was very clear that they were recruits. They looked young, and their singular medals fell off their jackets as if they were held on with wet masking tape.
“I...uhh--” stammered one colt.
“H-hey there, princess,” stammered the other colt.
“So,” Cadance started, poising herself and charging her horn. “Whose first to board the Lunar Express?” Cadance threatened, flaring the tip of her horn with a searing, white-hot bolt of energy.
“Oh boy...” whispered the left colt, unable to make a move.
“Bail, dude! Let’s bail!” shouted the right colt, yanking his friend away and running out of the tent with their tails between their legs. Cadance discharged her magic and stamped her hoof on the ground, huffing a steamy breath through her nose.
“That’ll teach those two,” said Cadance, turning around to face Twilight. “Perverts.”
“Me? A visitor?” uttered a new voice outside.
“Is that who I think it is?” said Twilight, peeking out from Cadance’s side with a hopeful eyes. Curious, Cadance turned around and watched as a young, blue-haired, armor-clad colt strolled into the tent, looking left and right until his eyes fell upon the girls.
“Shining!” Twilight gasped, leaping out from behind Cadance and bolting towards the colt.
“Twilly!” exclaimed the colt, running forward to meet Twilight in the middle, slamming the two together in a hug. The colt sat on his haunches and lifted the excited filly into his lap, where the two lovingly nuzzled each other’s faces.
“I take it that you are Shining Armor?” asked Cadance, stepping up behind Twilight.
“Yup, that’s me!” said the colt, flipping Twilight over and holding her close against his chest.
“Shining, this is my foalsitter! Princess--”
“Cadance?” said Shining Armor, looking up to meet Cadance’s eyes. “As in the Princess Cadance?”
“Yeah!”
“Oh, well, forgive me for not saluting, princess, but I’ve kinda got my hooves full here...” said the brotherly colt, gently prodding the tip of his hoof into the filly’s hair, making her giggle. The young colt was certainly living up to the caring nature that Twilight had described earlier on their way to the boot camp. Cadance felt her heart glow with a gentle warmness at the adorable sight. It could give somepony a pause for thought to wonder what it would be like to have a brother that cares about you more than anything. Cadance was the only sibling in her family, not counting Prince Blueblood and the other arrogant, spoiled-rotten nobles, and while being an only child had its perks, it would have been nice to have somepony to play with instead of having your daily schedule filled to the brim and then some with private tutors and etiquette lessons.
“What are you doing here, Twilly?” asked Shining Armor. “This isn’t exactly a place for little filles, you know.”
“She just wanted to stop by and say hello,” said Cadance. “She’s told me that she hasn’t seen you in quite some time.”
“Yeah, it’s been a while,” Shining Armor lowered Twilight to the ground before rising to his hooves. “I’m Shining Armor, junior captain of the Equestrian Royal Guard at your service, my lady,” said Shining Armor, bowing to the regal before rising again and extending his hoof to Cadance.
“I’m Cadance, one of the royal family. Very nice to meet you,” the pink princess introduced herself, shaking hooves with the amiable, blue-haired colt.
“Shining, when are you coming home?” Twilight asked.
Shining Armor frowned and laid a hoof on his hopeful sister’s shoulder. “Sorry, Twilly, but I’m not gonna be back home this year,” Twilight’s expression detracted into a sulk. “I’m starting the second half of my training, and my commanding officer needs me present for the whole of next year.” The filly’s expression shifted into an even darker frown.
“Oh, ok...” Twilight mumbled.
Feeling the need to share more brotherly love, Shining Armor slipped his hoof behind Twilight’s neck, pulling the somber filly in for another hug.
“It’s ok, Twilly. You’ve got a princess as your foalsitter! Just think of all the fun things you’ll do together!” exclaimed Shining Armor.
“Well, she just likes to read most of the time. Not much room for anything else,” Cadance sighed.
“Well, you can’t blame her. She’s a private student after all.”
Suddenly, off in the distance, a low-tone bell rung throughout the camp, causing all the commotion outside to cease as everypony who was not in training looked up at the clock on a nearby bell tower. The bell rang sixteen times in a row before going silent, causing scores of ponies to run into the barracks, some stripping off their armor plates and hanging them up on nearby racks as they came in, giving Cadance and Twilight passing glances as they moved to their respective bunk beds.
“Oh great, it’s the quarter bell...” Shining Armor sighed.
“Don’t you mean the sixteenth bell, Shining?” Twilight corrected her brother, giggling.
“That’s my Twilight,” said Shining Armor, tussling the filly’s hair before looking back to Cadance. “Sorry Princess--”
“Please,” Cadance started, raising a pink hoof into the air. “Just call me Cadance. The whole princess thing doesn’t fit well with me.”
Shining Armor grunted into his hoof. “My apologies, Cadance, but the quarter bell usually means that nighttime is coming, and with the way that the sun looks right now...”
Realization slammed into Cadance’s mind. Scooting past more incoming recruits, she peeked out into the fading daylight, alarmed at how low in the sky the sun was getting.
“H’oh dear, I didn’t know! It’s gonna be dark soon, and I don’t know how to get back to the park!” said Cadance, panicking.
“Wait, what?” said Shining Armor. “What do you mean you don’t know how to get to the park? It isn’t that far from here! Can’t you just retrace your steps?”
“It took us half the day just to find this place!” exclaimed Cadance at a quickened pace of words. “I never knew how to get here, so Twilight just gave me directions, but we missed a few turns, and the streets looked so identical and we spent hours trying to follow the street signs and--”
“Hold on, Cadance, just calm down. What if I were to walk you back to the park?” Shining Armor suggested, releasing his hold on Twilight. “Would that be alright?”
“Yeah!” Twilight shouted, drawing the attention of a few nearby recruits who only snapped away when Cadance gave them the cold stare over her shoulder.
“Well, Twilight here seems to agree. What about you, Cadance?” Shining Armor asked. “It would be an honor to accompany a princess.”
The pretentious foalsitter thought hard about Shining Armor’s kind offer. Twilight really liked to be around her brother, which was a good thing, but she did not want to feel guilty for possibly dragging Shining Armor into trouble if he left the boot camp without permission, along with whatever troubles he may get into should Princess Celestia find out.
“Pleeeease, Cadance?” Twilight begged, clapping her hooves together. “This may be the only time I get to see my brother until next year!”
Cadance bit her lower lip, unsure of what to do, She looked off to the side, hoping to find her answer hidden away from her eyes, but all she got was a wink and a snicker from the same two ponies she had scared earlier, both sitting on the bunk beds right next to her. Not wanting to cause another scene, she simply turned away and decided to look elsewhere. She felt a tug on her leg, and when she looked down, she saw Twilight wrapped around her lower leg while she pointed a hoof in another direction. The stressful foalsitter followed Twilight’s hoof line, leading up to Shining Armor, who was saluting to the old, problematic stallion she had encountered earlier.
“This isn’t going to end well...” Cadance panicked, quickly trotting over to Shining Armor’s side in distress with Twilight in tow.
“Mind repeating that to me, son?” groveled the old stallion as Cadance crept up behind the saluting colt.
“Sir! Junior Captain Shining Armor requesting permission to personally escort Princess Cadance and her friend to the park for a rendezvous with Princess Celestia’s royal guard, sir!” Shining Armor shouted loudly and proudly.
The old stallion’s ears drooped down like banana peels at the mention of the dreaded name of his newfound fears.
“Princess who?” gasped the stallion, his wrinkly eyes opening wide once again as he started quivering in his boots.
“I think he’s referring to me,” said Cadance, stepping up to Shining Armor’s side, keeping her head held high. The pink princess glared menacingly into the old hero’s eyes, reciting the same, strangely memorized cold stare she had used on Twilight the day before. Deep down, something told her that the stare was a little too much for the aged steed. He started to sweat, profusely, as if the pores in his leathery forehead stored years of pent up sweat and toil from decades of training gone by. His scraggly beard shook like a leaf as his whole form jittered in place. Maybe risking his retirement on the cursed surface of the moon wasn’t the best idea.
“P-permission granted, junior captain.” stammered the guard. “But, return to the barracks before the final quarter bell. One second late, and you’ll be carrying everypony’s gear for a week! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sir, yes sir!” Shining Armor shouted in reply.
“At ease.”
The valiant junior captain lowered his hoof and motioned Cadance to follow him. Twilight bounded to his side as they paced past the darkening tents and buildings, passing through the open gates and starting down the road until they reached the familiar, cobblestone pathway of the gardens. Nearby, the street lamps switched on, and the jitter of crickets brought along the serenity of Celestia’s night as the last few inches of sunlight started to descend into the horizon. They quickened their pace, eventually veering off the pathway and starting over the hills and low-lying valleys until they reached the brightly illuminated playground. Thankfully, the guards have not arrived, and Cadance’s saddlebags were still sitting where she left them, untouched by the hooves of potential nighttime thieves.
“Cadance?” said Twilight, poking her foalsitter’s leg twice.
“Yes, Twilight?” Cadance replied.
“Can I go play on the swings until the guards get here?”
Cadance shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t mind. Do I need to push you off?”
“No thanks. I think I can do it on my own.” On those words, Twilight and her brother shared a quick hug before the filly rushed over to the swing set.
“Thank you for leading us back here,” said Cadance, turning to face Shining Armor, smiling.
“Just doing my duty, although I’m a little surprised to find out that a princess is looking after my little sis,” said Shining Armor.
“I hope you mean that in a good way.”
“Pardon me for saying this, but are you kidding me? Just look at how happy she is!” exclaimed Shining Armor, pointing out Twilight’s exuberant smile as the swing lifted her up and down with each new kick from her back legs. Fireflies danced around the swing set with their ominous glows, adding to the adorable scene. “How long have you been her foalsitter?”
“Only for a couple of days now. I’m helping her with her magic, getting her used to the more complex stuff that Celestia taught me when I was a little filly. It’s slow goings at first, but she’s a smart one. I’m sure that she’ll get the hang of it.”
“Well, thank you prin--...Cadance.”
“You’re welcome,” said Cadance, giggling.
“Listen, Cadance, sorry about this, but I got to get back to the camp before the final bell. I don’t wanna have to face Old Ironsides again,” said Shining Armor, chuckling dryly.
Cadance sighed. “Yeah, I suppose. Thanks again,”
“No problem,” said Shining Armor, turning towards the nearest pathway. “Tell Twilly that I said goodbye! I would do it myself, but I’m kinda in a rush...”
“Don’t worry, I will,” replied Cadance.
The two waved each other their goodbyes before Shining Armor took his first step, only to pause his leg in mid-air.
“Wait!” he snapped, turning back to a surprised Cadance. “Just one more thing!” Looking both ways first, Shining Armor leaned forward up to Cadance’s ear.
“This may make me look like a bad brother, but I was just kidding when I told Twilight that I wouldn’t be home until next year. I wanted to surprise her for her birthday in a couple of weeks,” he whispered.
“Her birthday?” Cadance whispered in reply. “In a few weeks?”
“Yeah!”
Cadance gave Shining Armor a look of disapproval. “Well, while it was a bit on the harsh side to give her false hope, it’s still a lovely treat from a loving brother like yourself.”
“Thanks, Cadance,” said Shining Armor, shifting back onto the pathway. “I’ve got to go. The quarter bell could ring at any moment. See you in a few weeks, I guess.”
After waving goodbye to each other for a second time, Shining Armor turned and started off on a hard gallop down the pathway, kicking up black, barely visible leaves that had fallen earlier. Cadance watched as he went, his silhouette descending into the dark, starry horizon. The moon had begun to rise as more stars crept out of hiding; the cicadas and the burrow owls following suite.
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Yay. First.
Edit: D'awwwwww
so much d'awwwwws...
“You’ve been snooping around in my bag?” Cadance gasped, hoping to Celestia that the little filly didn’t peek at her “private” issues.
reactimg.com/images/97245c56f24d944c0f1cc6f39c41b561.jpg
'Tis good except for some tense errors here and there.
It was kinda odd to see Cadance suddenly referred to as pretentious when we've seen her acting so warmly with Twilight.
Lmao that was a good part to this story, especially about the private parts of magazines
"Private" issues?
Um..... okay.... (takes a quick peak in her bag)
Oh my Celestia, how did they do that with a Mare? Hang on, I need to go barf.
So much d'awwww!
Can't resist tracking this
My D'aww Meters are off the charts!
This is awesome!
really love this story, is sooo d'awwwwwwwwwwwwwww
something like this i hope to see soon 
img.ponibooru.org/_images/eb725b414e05566278e00a045d7c3f21/177837%20-%20artist%3AGlancoJusticar%20cadance%20Cadence%20filly%20HNNNNNNNNNNNG%20kissing%20shining_armor%20twilight_sparkle.png
When all else fails threaten 'em with banishment to the moon. Works every time! :D Great work as always!
Quick update not worthy of a blog post: I will be working on each chapter each day, writing at least 1000 words so the update schedule will stay consistent.
You, are brilliant! I hope you continue this story! It's so sweet and fluffy. Like marshmallows.
"By the way, I wanted to ask you if about your ex-girlfriend I met last chapter..."
"Oops, look my wrist, it's time for me to buy watch! Gotta go!"
I really wish that each chapter could get its own personal thumb up/down that went into the average thumb-rate for the story. Each chapter written so far has very solidly earned the thumb up. I'm not usually one for diary style stories, but this one is very well done, thanks for the quick update.
671356
I...think that's already implimented
This is a wonderful story! I have enjoyed every single chapter so far.
My only complaint with this is in this chapter. Cadance seems a bit out-of-character, don't you think? I mean, she was established as caring and kind in A Canterlot Wedding, and you've made her even more caring and kind in this story, so to have her start intimidating guards, even threatening banishment to get her way? Sounds more like what Chrysalis would've done when in disguise as Cadance.
Other than that, I think this is a well-written fanfic. Faved and watched.
671560
She's a young princess, and we've seen our fair share of ponies turning to their devious side to get what they want >:3
I can't come in? Let me ask you a question. Do you like bananas?
671560>>671620 On top of that, she's had the opportunity to gain some maturity in the intervening years.
I really like the story. But my biggest question is, does Twilight have her cutiemark? In the flashbacks in the series we see filly-Twilight and Candence, Twilight doesn't have her cutiemark yet. This is wierd because Twilight got her mark when she became Celestia's student. If she doesn't have her mark yet she hasn't met Celestia yet, and it would be improbable that Candence would be Twilight's foalsitter if Twilight doen't know Celestia personally.
Moar!!!!!
673924
I would advise you to read the several, several comments above yours to find the answer, but here's the most simple answer I can give you:
If Hasbro didn't show it, I don't know.
669944 I think that's only due to that stupid old guard and those two perverts.
img.photobucket.com/albums/v218/DCMann2/hnng1.jpg
670153 So Twilight SnooPINGAS as usual I see!
669660 You like that? I bet you can't wait for the party
>>Zervziel
"It was kinda odd to see Cadance suddenly referred to as pretentious when we've seen her acting so warmly with Twilight."
Well let's not forget how she acted. She wants to be treated like anyone else, only special. No one was allowed in, so she threatens someone who spent years risking their life for the Crown.
Just because she didnt get what she wanted. Which was to break the rules.
Then the way she treated the Old War Horse *again* so Twilights brother could break the rules, and lead them back to the park. So *she* wouldn't get into trouble.
More and more I'm starting to think Equestria is ripe for revolution.
All Hail the Lunar Republic and Trixie!!
otherwise good story
So, much, dawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww's.
I need some Kleenex.
I like this, but it needs a LOT of work. There are numerous issues which need to be addressed to make this story stand out.
A few critical comments, sorted by chapter:
=General comments:
- Typos and minor grammatical errors are scattered here and there; read over your work carefully to find and fix these.
=Prologue:
- "Luggage bags" is redundant. It's like saying "crate boxes" or "wooden tree". "Key lock" is similarly redundant.
- You should really indicate in the story summary if there are images inlined in the story text which are necessary for the reader to see. Some of us are downloading these stories in .txt format for offline reading, and having to go back to the story page and load up the chapter to see the images is inconvenient, especially in this case where it was entirely unnecessary to do this in the first place. My point being, you need to make sure that all VITAL story content is accessible to ALL readers, whether they're reading on the site or from a downloaded .txt copy, and if for some reason this is not possible, then make a note of it in the story summary or author's notes.
- I find it hard to believe that Cadence would fail to recognize the diary immediately on sight.
=Magical Dismastery:
- You keep using the word "monotone". I do not think it means what you think it means. (Hint: the first time, you meant "monotonous", and the second time, you should have used "unimpressive".)
- You're also randomly and inappropriately using "sneer" when describing Twilight's reactions to what Cadence wants her to do. Try to find something more befitting, please.
=For Filly's Sake:
- "Militarian" isn't a word. "Military-style" is what you're shooting for here.
- "Pretentious" is misused here. Badly.
- As is "groveled".
- As is "ominous" in relation to the glow of fireflies. You SERIOUSLY need a dictionary.
I haven't finished reading what's posted yet, but I'll comment on the other chapters when I get around to them.
I really like how your also going into the dynamic between not only Cadence and Twilight, but Cadence and Shining Armor.
Isn't Cadance's magic blue?