• Member Since 21st Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 2nd, 2015


Why did my daughter have to introduce me to MLP?


Sunset Shimmer was vital to the defeat of the Dazzlings at the Battle of the Bands. Now a heroine instead of a villain, she accepts the mantle of leadership while struggling against her own past. Sunset Shimmer will extend a hand in friendship, which starts an adventure that will create far-reaching consequences for her friends on both sides of the mirror. This story begins two or three days after the conclusion of Equestria Girls 2: Rainbow Rocks.

Dane of Celestia crafted the wonderful cover art. His composition is entitled Three of Destiny. I hope you enjoy his work!

Chapters (28)
Comments ( 1075 )

It takes a lot to make me favorite a story with Twilight in it.
I wanna read more, especially about the cutie mark thing! :pinkiehappy:

Thank you so much! I hope I can keep this going - and make future chapters a little better planned out (and the writing a little more engaging).

Love Sunset Shimmer so I'll be sticking around for this. Looks good, keep the chapters coming and I'll keep reading.

*reads description*

Because 20 Questions is actually a fun game. Especially playing around with surveys.

But all in all, your first fanfic has to be a potentially good one.

5108595 Do you not like Twilight that much

Its early....but this seems like a great start.......favorite and will await chapter 2:pinkiehappy:

Okay haven't started reading yet, but consider reorganizing the description. Make the first thing someone reads when coming to your story a synopsis.

Will update with further thoughts after I read what you have now. :twilightsmile:


Alright it's interesting so far, but the pacing seems off. (coming from me it must seem like a joke, ha.) It might just be my reaction to the size of your paragraphs in this one. Sonata getting an appearance is nice, but I really doubt they would beat her like that... After all they REMEMBER what Sunset Shimmer did and I didn't see any signs of violence toward her. Of course that could be explained away by saying their ire shifted and increased onto the sirens, but I don't know... it just doesn't really sit well with me.

Sunset the element of redemption works, but I would probably went with just magic really. I am one of those who believe that the bearers aren't unique in their ability to wield, its just when those who can come together (in friendship) that there is power. However, other interpretations are very welcome. I would consider using a more friendshipy term for it though. Redemption is so... biblical. I think forgiveness would be more apt. Considering she had to ultimately accept the forgiveness of others and herself to become powerful. A bit of a rant, I apologize.

Good going though I liked it a lot. :twilightsmile:

Couple of corrections:

A "one-shot" typically refers to a story that is only a single chapter. The entire story is told in that way. That your story has a prolog means that it is not a one-shot.

Also, you have a lot of things that are not specifically telling us about your story in your long description. Those things are telling us about you, the author. You should put those in a blog or an author's note. Leave the desciption as your space to entice viewers to start reading. John Perry said it very well, and you should read that over as it is very insightful.

Inside the prolog, I immediately notice something that is quickly becoming a pet peeve of mine:
Notice that while reading this, we already get to see the story title and chapter title; we don't need this information repeated for us in a "header."

Other than that, the formatting looks pretty good. I didn't go over it with a fine-toothed comb or anything, but no errors stood out to me.

It might be due to my bias of also wanting to see the kind of story of Sunset post-Rainbow Rocks be explored, but this does have my interest. The cameo of Sonata gives me hope of one of my favored post-Rainbow Rocks ships happening too.

So, keep the spark. It looks like you're on track for something pretty good here.

Cryosite and Someother Pony, I appreciate the constructive feedback. I'll see what edits to the description I can quickly make before I have to get to work. I fully realize that many of my mistakes are due to (a) unfamiliarity with the interface and writing fiction in general and (b) rushing to get this done all at once while I still had the enthusiasm and time for it.

Oh, and I need to figure out how to tag your names to make it easier to find comments that mention you.

I struggled with which exact concept to go with for Sunset's element. All I can say is that redemption just, um "felt" right, despite it's heavy footprint. Lots and lots of years of writing work e-mail have decayed my sense of pacing and altered my sense of paragraph size. Thanks very much for the encouragement and feedback.

Your friends – no – our friends

I love this bit because it's so true. It's an important distinction to make that Sunset is not just a fill in Twilight for the girls, and I can't think of a more concise way to get that point across.

But, I wielded an element a few days ago. What was it? Help me understand.

This was one of the first questions I asked myself when I walked out of the theater. Glad to see you're addressing it.

The only hang ups I have are in Sunset's letter; sometimes lines sound off, too formal for something she'd say. However, I know from experience that letters are harder to capture character voice, so I think you have a good grasp on her character regardless.

Overall, this was a really good start to your story. I loved seeing the backstory of how Sunset and the Mane 5 became friends, as well as the interaction between Sunset and Twilight, and the revelation at the end will prove to flesh out this relationship. While normally seventh Element stories make me wary, I'm interested to see where you'll go with this concept. :pinkiehappy:

Ooh, not bad for your first fic! You have my attention. :pinkiesmile:

I like this so far! It's about Sunset post-RR, and it's nice to see the possibility of Sonata becoming a major player in the story and potential friendship with Sunset as well. It shows plenty of promise :pinkiehappy:

One thing I did wonder after the movie, though, was if the sirens would try to use the portal themselves if they learned about it, or especially that Twilight found a way to open it freely from Equestria.

5109317 I don't think that Sonata got that bruising from other student, so far we saw her without Adagio nor Aria, it could be posible that they finally lost their patience with her and decided to abandon her. But what could I know, I did not write this, hopefully the author is thinking the same.

IsabellaAmoreSirenix, thanks for the mix of constructive and positive feedback. I need to find the "new" Sunset's voice, and it's tough because there's only (to me) the two Equestria Girls movies to extrapolate from. I have some forethought to put in because the stage is easy to set, but after some beginner luck, I won't be able to make good chapters in one sitting.

ColdGoldLazarus and Black Jesuz, thanks for keeping me motivated!

ShadeJak, I'll be exploring the portal in a little more detail later. I haven't decided when to introduce that plot device - honestly, the best metaphor for this fic right now is about a dozen sections of puzzle completed that don't seem to fit together well yet. I either need more pieces or some good glue. It's a simple reason to keep it closed right now for safety - the CHS girls would be too curious and tempted to come through while Equestria is still recovering from Tirek's rampage.

DavyEddyBenny, your guess is right - Sonata wasn't injured by a student.

Thanks to everyone for making a cheesy old dude happy - it was a great first day of crafting fan fiction!

5116424 Aww my special somepony loves Twilight he said if he didn't have me he would marry a cartoon Twilight

Twilight's note about ponies trying to figure out how to play guitars with hooves seems odd based on pony-Applejack's ability to play the banjo

Comment posted by ConningOfficer deleted Oct 9th, 2014

Good point! I was probably a little too eager to make the joke about Pinkie and the drums, and I completely forgot about AJ's banjo. Most of my jokes go "thud", and I thought I had a winner. I just didn't check my facts first. :raritydespair: Thank you for the comment and for reading! :twilightsmile:

5118133 And then there is Octavia and Fiddlesticks with their respective cello and fiddle.

I'll at least take some relief that you got all the way to the end of the chapter before finding an embarrasing blunder! I appreciate the time to read and comment. Thank you!

I have closed the portal to Equestria on my end not just to prevent curious CHS students from wandering into this world and causing confusion, but also for their safety.

I am suddenly dying to write a story about that! Thanks for the inspiration! :scootangel:


Especially if it's Trixie or the CMC or if the Celestia or Luna of that world leaned against the statue pedestal at the wrong time :rainbowlaugh:

5119285 But you have to wonder: Would they be smart enough to scramble right back through? Or would they be compelled to explore?

This would also make a good series like "Know Your Mare." What would happen if X fell through the portal? What if one of the Human Six did? :pinkiegasp:

Pinkie, of course, has found a way to play the drums. Nopony has slept in days.

As some folks have already pointed out, instruments aren't all that uncommon in Equestria... as a matter of fact...

but since Starswirl the Bearded thought your world to be an ideal dumping ground for dangerous magical creatures, I worry what else might be masquerading as a human.

This one line opens up the potential for so much awesome, :pinkiehappy:
Keep going! :twilightsmile:

Sonata! Oh... oh honey, it'll be okay... Sonata, don't be sad! :raritycry: :applecry: :raritydespair: :fluttercry:

Ahem, moving on...

Animal Farm

Oh, that's too perfect. :rainbowlaugh:

Pinkie, of course, has found a way to play the drums. Nopony has slept in days.

Even more perfect. :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

“That girl was hurt and no matter what she tried to do to us in the past, she needed help and Sunny gave it to her!”
“Please don’t call me that, Fluttershy,” groaned Sunset Shimmer.

Headcanon accepted. :scootangel:

Overall, I saw a significant improvement from the prologue, and any doubts I felt before are now alleviated. You managed to capture the group dynamic of the Mane 5 well; all of them felt in character, as did Sunset. And as you could gather from my initial reaction, you excelled in giving readers emotional investment.

The only odd thing that stuck out to me was this:

“Quiet, you,” Applejack halted the brash athlete’s tirade before it gained momentum

This is a case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. There is no need to call Rainbow Dash an athlete here when just saying her name would suffice. Here is the only instance of LUS I noticed, so I don't think it's an ingrained problem for you, just something to be mindful of is all. Keep up the excellent writing!

Now I'm off to give Sonata a hug. :heart:

Thanks, everyone for the comments, suggestions, and pointing out my humongous mistake. Due to the intrusion of real life, I will probably have to wait until Monday to correct the whole instrument thing. :twilightangry2:

Public thanks for IsabellaAmoreSirenix for the behind the scenes encouragement and suggestions. You have helped me more than you know already.

TennisMatchFan, Shadejak, MrAskAPirate, 00RaiserGundam, and Avantre, I am glad you took the time to drop me a line and also for being both honest and constructive.

I'll keep writing and get Chapter 2 done within 5 or 6 days. Thanks for your suggestions and patience! :raritywink:

Comment posted by LunaSpark1000 deleted Oct 10th, 2014

Love this story so far!
Sonata was my favorite of the Dazzlings, cause there was a real innocence and spirit with her. I'm so happy you are treating her with such sympathy in this.
Hope you can get the next chapters out to us eager readers soon :twilightsmile:

I my self think the element of Trust or Forgivness would worktoo

This was even better than the prologue!

Sonata's issue is certainly an interesting and delicate one - how far does one stick out their neck for someone who was trying to kill them not a few days ago? - and the question of Sunset's element continues to intrigue. I love how well you've characterized the Humane Five, too. Nice work, and as always, looking forward to more! :twilightsmile: (And good luck with your appointments in real life, too!)

Lunaspark1000, Shadow Sword, and ColdGoldLazarus, I appreciate your comments!

I really struggled with the Element, and even gave myself a bit of wiggle room, but as I've mentioned before, i have to trust my intuition on this one. :ajbemused:

Sonata's situation is more than tricky, and I'm grateful for your feedback that I'm describing things in a way that you enjoy and that makes sense.

ColdGoldLazarus, thanks for the well wishes. This is a family trip of the sort I would normally miss in more operational assignments. It will be trying at times but also fun. Back to writing soon!

Hmm, this cover art seems familiar...

But that's neither here nor there. This story is an interesting one so far. Element of Redemption is something I hadn't considered. The word 'forgiveness' kept popping into my head, but this is even better. I will keep an eye on this.

The Albinocorn, I posted a longer apology on your page. At any rate, I am so glad you took a look at the story and find it interesting.

This has got some real potential and is quite good so far, but it's too early to tell if the overarching plot will get even better. Looking forward to finding out!

Ooh, interesting. Shame that Adagio and Aria seem to be too far gone, but I suppose that was a given after how they've already beaten her. I like that you're realistic with Sonata still not entirely repentant, and her talk with Applebloom was interesting. Speaking of which, I wonder what she's up to?

Looking forward to the next chapter! :twilightsmile:

This chapter didn't run over-long, it was about right. You had plenty of things to do, and none of it felt like it dragged on.

I'm enjoying that we're finally getting to see some interaction with Sonata. We've seen glimpses of her in the previous two chapters, and I look forward to seeing more to come.

I especially liked the little details about her being drawn to water, and so on. Her falling back on old habits was slightly abrupt, but in the right way I feel. I also liked the scene with her giving the shards of her pendant to Sunset. The problem though is that it actually felt just a little bit rushed. Sunset and AJ seem to feel the same way though, so we'll see how it develops.

I'm slightly offput by Adagio and Aria. I got the feeling that they were cutting Sonata off... but it seems like they're going stalker mode now. It seems a little strange to break off with someone, beat them, abandon them, then follow them around to spy on them when they try to recover. It seems to me like they would be doing whatever it is they want to do and felt abandoning Sonata was needed in order to do so. As it stands, Sonata hasn't really done anything, other than disagree with them, to provoke them. She hasn't exactly turned to good or put on even the appearance that she'd doing well... so it seems forced at this point for the other two to want to have revenge above and beyond what they already did in the heat of the moment.

Again, we'll see how it develops, but this is giving me the impression of a slightly too early reveal of antagonism.

ColdGoldLazarus and Cryosite, thank you both for the comments and constructive feedback. Cryosite, I'm going to send you a PM to ask for some advice as you're a much more experienced writer and reviewer than I am. I appreciate your directness, and I know your assistance will help me develop the larger narrative.

I still continue to enjoy reading, and it's an interesting take on Sonata. She may be ditzy and not as outright malevolent as Aria or Adagio, but she has been beside two others of her kind for a long time, following a specific lifestyle and nature for just as long and those aren't going to be easy to shake off. It's like she wants to change but she doesn't know how to because of her nature as a siren conflicts with that so much. It makes me feel all the worse for her and hope that things can work out for her in the end.

Has Sunset heard the story behind Discord's reform yet(can't remember if it was mentioned or not by Twilight)? If not, it may strengthen her resolve a bit to.

5142831 I'm pretty sure Twilight is gonna tell that story in her next letter. I just know it.

Right off the bat, that scene with Sonata trying to hypnotize Sunset gave a painful tug on my heartstrings. It was the shattering realization that she has lost the definition of who she was for so many centuries. You established just how far she has to go in adjusting to her new life, yet none of it was hamfisted. I'd say that's my favorite scene in the entire story so far. :heart:

But as much as I enjoyed that scene, the only issue that keeps me from liking this chapter more than chapter 1 is the info-dumping.

Sunset, the next time I say to tell me everything, could you make it a little more bite-sized?

I agree. I felt in both that opening conversation and in her letter to Twilight that Sunset knew just a little too much, especially when I came to the Elements. The Elements were in obscurity during the pilot episode, with Twilight knowing nothing about her own Element. A gradual piecing together of ideas with more Mane 5 input might have been better, but that's just me.

On the technical side, I noticed the LUS "blonde farmgirl" creep up. There was also some comma misuse with dialogue.

Random points!

A thousand years ago, this world had stories of dragons, monsters, and fantastic creatures that were vanquished or just disappeared. If this was a mass exile, it might have been part of the founding of the Canterlot dynasty.

Interesting... very interesting... I like where this is going.

Apple Bloom worked up the courage to speak, looking up at the older girl, “I don’t want to pry, but I always thought that the best thing to do when you’ve made a big mistake is to say that you’re sorry. If you mean it, you won’t make the same one again. That’s what Granny Smith has been telling me for as long as I can remember.”

I like this pairing! I like it a lot!

Thank you, little one!

Luna, is that you? :rainbowlaugh: If Sonata slips into the archaic 'we,' I'm going to lose it.

Overall, a fine chapter! Hope you continue the great writing!

And as for your problem with cover art, using Google Images to search is fine, but you can't cite it. Instead, you need to follow the link to the source website (i.e. Deviantart, Fanpop, etc) and cite the link of that specific image as found in the artist's gallery. :twilightsmile:

IsabellaAmoreSirenix, Yay! I'm so happy that you had a chance to write a long comment! :pinkiehappy: As with all things, I have to take the positive with the er, constructive. :twilightblush: I'll cite the artist's homepage if I can find it. That's great advice. You and Cryosite gave me great feedback that leads me to the same conclusions: (a) I need to both plan and edit more carefully, and (b) I need to plan for things to evolve at a more natural speed instead of rushing to the "good parts". Better planning and use of hints/metaphor, as you did in your most recent story would help avoid information overload. And, wow, an epic is an awful lot to keep straight. :derpyderp2:

But, I'm glad you enjoyed the new dynamic with Sonata and the scene with Apple Bloom.

DavyEddyBenny and ShadeJak, there are plenty of stories that Twilight can pick to help Sunset, and I have a great idea dancing through my head. But, see above, I need to go less impulsive with my narrative at 1 a.m. and think more along the lines of "Would the Twilight I know tell Sunset Shimmer about this?" :raritywink: More seriously, "What would Sonata do at this stage?".

I know I say thanks a lot, to everyone that comments, but it's from the heart, as cheesy as it seems. :yay:

I started reading this fanfiction because I was enjoying all that was going on and developing more dealing with Sonata of all three Sirens she seemed the least evil of the three and I hope that with time and more chapters that she can grow and embrace friendship.

keep writing :heart:
for realzies :trollestia:

FlyingMeister and Shinola I'm grateful that you took the time to read the story and comment! :twilightsmile: I will certainly keep writing (for realsies)... and Sonata's story still has a long way to go. I'm glad you enjoyed it so far! :yay:

Uh oh. This can't be good. Adagio, what are you planning?:ajbemused::twilightangry2:

I can see Aria might be on the conflicted side. This could lead to something promising.

Lord Kraken, Leviathan, he who swims in darkness... no one knew his true name

Squirk, perhaps? :twilightsmile: If so, great mythological reference, it does fit his role in the original portrayal

Cannot wait to see what sort of insanity happens at Rarity's place, makeovers and such. :twilightoops: Wonder what Adagio's gonna find

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