As far as Equestrian History spans, The only Alicorns in existence were in the Royal Family. But one day, this exception changes not only Celestia's and Luna's lives, but also The Mane Six's as well once a little colt, hood hung over his face shows his face in Ponyville, as well as Twilight's life. Sent by Celestia, the young Alicorn is instructed to learn from the Mane Six, specifically Twilight; but once she gets accustomed to him, she begins to question his true purpose there.
Gdocs version here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dUeoLwaWdXJVeyL0XWWqeidXWYiB9CoUUnJv_x8EJQI/edit?pli=1
Chapters (1)
Well one long chapter lol
But just gotta work out some kinks here and their you gotta very excellent piece here.
so im assuming twilight got an F on that assignment..killing a student normally marks failure.
great work on the story though, well written and well thought out
What a dark ending.
I'm sure from now on it gets worse for Twilight as she knows that it is part of her fault that this happened.
And Celestia and Luna is going to be MAJORLY TICKED as they learn what have inspired in here.
Maybe you could do a follow-up chapter explaining what have happened afterwards.
First off, I did like the story, but I think it needs work to make it better and not violate canon. Canon is known information directly from the show or the show's writers or creators, whereas Fandom is info inferred from the show or believed by a large portion of fans even though it is not confirmed by the show, like Derby's name or that Pinkie can break the 4th wall at will.
It needs fleshing out in alot of ways, you have Solaris constantly complaining about being treated differently yet not one example of that is shown, other than being stared at. His being treated differently causes him enough anguish that he commits suicide, yet you don't show any of it.
Was he teased or bullied by other foals his age?
Was he treated as an embarassment to Celestia, or as just a pawn in power struggles between the 2 sister and/or the rest of the royal court?
Was he kept a virtual prisoner by Celestia and Luna? Did he have no childhood (or foalhood) whatsoever?
Was he scorned or rejected by the citizens of Cantorlott?
Plot holes BIG TIME:
1) Why is an extremely little pony given the task of bucking trees? Maybe sorting apples, but a pony only as big as a toddler actually bucking trees? Apple Bloom, nor any other foal or filly has been ever seen successfully backing a tree in the show.
2) How is he in Dash's cloud home? He is not known to have wings (YET), in fact Dash thought he was a Unicorn. ONLY Pegasus (and Alicorns) can walk on clouds unless bespelled to do so like Rarity, Twilight, AJ, and Pinkie were in "Sonic RainBoom." Dash would never even try to bring him up to the clouds, he would just fall through them.
3) Dash's cloud home hovers over Ponyville, and is not in Cloudsdale. That is made very clear in the show and is thus canon.
4) RD's comment: "You’re a Pegasus Unicorn and Celestia’s your mom?!" Pegasus Unicorns ARE Alicorns, that is what defines an Alicorn, a horn ans wings and is also canon info. Where is there any other winged and horned pony anywhere in MLP that is not called a Alicorn? RD is not that dumb that she would somehow not realized Solaris was an Alicorn the moment she saw his wings, Now the fact that Celestia is his (adopted) mother might surprise her and the rest of the mane 6; there is nothing that says his mother must be an Alicorn, but given his connection already to Celestia I would think it was at least suspected.
Bad word choice or usage:
1)"deep scars" when describing the wounds on Solaris's face. Scars only formed upon the healing of a wound. If he had "deep scars" they must have been given to him weeks if not months ago. Fresh wounds are cuts, jagged wounds, incissions, ect...
2) "beaten pony" For Solaris to be beaten, that means there has to be some pony there to beat him. So who beat him? Oh courss your story makes it clear he hurt himself, so he's a INJURED pony or maybe a self-mutilated pony
3) "...lachrymose crying as she held..." A very uncommon word and misused in you story IMO. Lachrymose means someone prone to crying easily or something prone to cause others to cry easily. Example "Fluttershy is a lachrymose pony, she cries about everthing sad." or "Grim's fairytales are very lachrymose since their sad endings or violent parts make young kids cry." It can be used as an adjective (like you did) but only if refering to causing or being able to cry easily. Fluttershy can be Lachrymose crying since she is known to cry easily, AJ is not known to cry easily.
IMO you should use a word like "mournfully" instead.
I apologize for anyone who reads this awful piece of garbage mistakenly given a title of "story". No punishment is worthy of having to read this, and I should be punished for writing it. Sorry for wasting your time.
You know, I think I've wasted way too much of your time for all of you, the story does stink miserably; no "if"s "and"s or "but"s about it. I think I will do you all a favor and delete it. I appreciate all of your opinions, but I know (considering I am the writer) this is my best despite how horrible it is; an awful thought yes, but it's true. I know some people are going to say they liked it, but let's be honest, don't lie to me. How could anyone in their right mind tolerate (let alone enjoy) this? Ignore me if you want, but it's my negative, self-defeating opinion.
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I thought the same thing when I first writed a fan fic, but don't blame yourself, sometimes people aren't always successful on the spot.
And to be honest with you I am not lying, when I like a story I like a story.
Don't kick yourself down :( , just get back up and keep going, it doesn't hurt to practice or get a proofreader to get an opinion.
Well, maybe I could do this to answer any questions. I also wrote an Epilogue which I used to try to explain any possible confusion, which I guess there is a lot of (3 Dislikes, can't blame 'em). Also, I only worte this for the sake of writing it, but I take opinions WAY too seriously. It was just something I thought I would try, but I guess that was a pretty damn stupid (pardon my language).
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Never think yourself stupid, a person who tries isn't stupid, he or she is determined to keep going.. But:
No trouble with the language Luna, its no prob.
Same here I enjoy writing, I write in class whenever it doesn't match with the class, whether be just a page or just a full blown story.
Heck I like the story, No it isn't stupid, I applaud you for trying and sticking to what you love.
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I enjoyed the story, You deserve the applause :).
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Huh. I could have sworn
That I was writing someth- OH GOD LESSON ZERO ALL OVER AGAIN!
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I don't know if that's a compliment, but ok. Sorry for so many Plot Holes, Spelling, and overall lack of sense-making.
49506 i was typing while reading then came across the dream perpitrator.
curosity sparked but umm twilight doesnt snap out of insane mode if what she wanted happens or at least thats what i think im prettys sure she would still be insane towards the end and celestia would fly in and go HES DEAD OMG OMG OMG HMM NICE HORN
:OH GOD ITS MOLESTIA!!!
hmm that's weird it rplyed instead of bolded weird
Well, I do admit, the story makes about as much sense as an instruction manual. It was basically she just wanted him to leave, not commit suicide. Still, you have a good point.
DON'T GO
Alrighty, here we go.
I am not certain, but it seems to me that you refuse to accept any forms of compliments while also interpreting any criticism or critique as a personal insult. I used to do the exact same thing, but it lead me nowhere. My first suggestion would be to not interpret Nuki Mouse's comment as a rude slap in the face, but rather a complete critique that few people on this site are willing to give. I would use that comment and fix the smaller issues, as well as be a bit more careful in future works. Furthermore, most of these problems could be found by a pre-reader. Find someone *raises hand* who would be willing to go over your work before publishing it and your output quality will be much better.
As for the actual work, I cannot add anything that hasn't already been said. While it did have a few issues and could be expanded in a few areas, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. I really liked that you foreshadowed his murder while instead it was a suicide. I liked that you made him work his hardest to help everyone around him (It would be my honor), while still making him extremely socially awkward. He does his best to please everyone, but it never seems to be enough.
Finally, I know you have decided that you never want to write again, and that is your decision. Just be sure you make that, if writing is something you enjoy, you gave your work your full effort before deciding that you are no good. I believe a competent pre-reader would be able to find several mistakes you might have overlooked.
Remember to take any criticism as advice and let it push you up, not pull you down. Best of luck in your future, whatever you decide to do with it.
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I understand the point of your comment, and I recognize my idiocy of my comments (amongst my idiocy period). I'm sorry, but not even a proof-reader could fix my writing (I revised this over 3 months before posting it, so it really is the best I can do).
1. Yes I have given up on writing, I only have fun when I do well, no one enjoys failure (especially me) and I DO NOT do well in writing.
2. I think you know by now that I revised Soarin Blaze's story "Memories" so you know how I write; and in turn, ruined it.
3. I know critiquing work is supposed to help to writer, but in honesty, it can't help me. Too much constructive critisizm renders the whole idea moot
4. Anyone (including you) trying to revise my work, is like trying to polish a ball of dirt or sand until it shines; it's too bad to be fixed.
820619
Well, alrighty then. As long as you have put forth your maximum effort, then no one can rightfully begrudge your decision.
From what I can tell you are far too self-critical.
1) I apologize for anyone who reads this awful piece of garbage mistakenly given a title of "story".
2) You know, I think I've wasted way too much of your time for all of you, the story does stink miserably; no "if"s "and"s or "but"s about it.
3) Well, I do admit, the story makes about as much sense as an instruction manual.
4) wondering when my time to shine will come. I have now realized when it will, never.
I am not sure how serious you are about these comments, and you are right that the opinion is extremely self-defeatist. I know you asked that we don't tell you we liked the story, but I did. If I hadn't I would not have bothered to comment like this. Your work may not be up there with the best, but that doesn't mean it wasn't worth the time it took to make it.
Good luck in life, your talent may not be writing, or even anything that wins competitions, but it will be something that you enjoy doing. I assume you are still 17, in which case you around the end of high school. Life begins in college, have fun with it :D
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Hate to be a prick, but what you can tell is wrong, I'm not self-critical enough.
Yes, my comments are dead serious about being a self-defeatist, I was raised to be humble, but given my personality, I take it to a point I think is correct (which some perceive as an extremist self defeatist, but I think self-hatred is deserving)
1. I don't even have the grades to get into college, so that's going to another miserable part of my life. Considering I would be the first in a long time not to go. Also, I would be the first not to be in the military, so I'm already a disappointment. Also, a life? Ha, I'll never have a life, ever.
2. I think at my age, I should at least know what my talents are, and I'm still looking.
In all honestly, I want to see one comment saying something along these lines
"Who was the moron that told you that you could write, whoever they are, they need to be imprisoned, and so should you. You should NEVER write again, ever"
just thought i'd come by and take a trip though memory lane ^^