- Member Since 6th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Sep 19th, 2018
TimbukTurnip
I'm starting to notice a pattern in who the main characters are in the stories I upload.
TimbukTurnip
Joined 6th Nov, 2011 ·
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Verbose author's notes!
If you read this and thought any of the following:
- It's too fast
- It's too short
- The love thing came out of nowhere
- The word 'she' was used far too much
I agree with you completely. The reason for this is that I've been writing and rewriting this on and off since The Last Roundup aired, due to different problems (such as losing motivation to write it after several hours of work randomly disappeared) and just generally not having much time. As such, I've just become tired of looking at it, so here it is.
That aside, this story was a bit of an experiment in writing. My intention was to see if I could tell a story using only a chain of thoughts and little to no dialogue. A weird comparison, but a bit like the first 20 odd minutes of the film 2001: A Space Odyssey.
I know I failed said experiement, so any possible criticism that would help me not fail in the future would be greatly appreciated. Especially if I end up following the stupid idea in my head and do another 'thought train story' with Fluttershy.
Yer tags 're showin'
I think you're being too negative. Sure, it's short and goes by fast, but it's well written, has a natural progression and doesn't really need any elaboration.
If you really want to search for fail, I'd point to where you go outside your experimental parameters and elaborate too much. Ending the story after Pinkie's line, and leaving the Ponyville scene to the imagination of the reader, would (I feel) have made for a more emotionally powerful ending.
Wow....uh....I got to say.....I'm speechless with how to take this.
While the it may be a little short, and the pace is a bit too quick, it's still a nice piece. The only problem I really have with it, is the html tags you use, which doesn't do anything here, except annoy. You should have checked if it worked correctly after you uploaded it.
Nice
needs a part 2. very very very badly. I wanna know how it worked out.
488974 489039 I swear I fixed this before I submitted it. I specifically went over all the italics as at one point the entire second half of the story was written in it.
Thank you for pointing it out, it's fixed now.
488975 I hate myself for not thinking that. The ending scene was the thing that first popped into my head and caused me to write the rest of the story, but I never thought what the story would be like without it. I'll keep that in mind in future.
Cheers for the feedback.
489006 Is that good or bad? Or neither?
You don't have to beat yourself up you did a great job with this fic.
And that kiss I don't think that was intended for shipping purposes, just a quick little thank you kiss, am I right?
I was just pointing them out, they didn't really bother me all that much
Also, everything the positive comments said
I'm not a fan of romance between the M6, this one included, but that just personal opinion and I really enjoyed Rarities thoughts. Thumbs up mate.
489069 To be honest, I think any continuation of this would ruin the story more than I already did. That and I doubt I could ever find the interest in continuing this particular story after the trouble I had with it.
It up to you to decide what happens next
489391 I think it was meant to be a bit of both, but feel free to interpret it however you wish; I kind of tried to make it open to interpretation anyway.
I really liked this story. It showed a different side of Rarity and it was very interesting to get inside her head like that. Don't be so hard on yourself, it was really good.
That kiss at the end was funny. Liked that the ending was open to any interpretation. Thumbs up!
Nice!
This pairing needs more stories. The one critique I'll level is that you have a bit too much LUS with all the "Rainbow manes pegasus"'s. It _is_ Rarity, but they began to stand out around half way through.
Wow. I have to say, I really loved this piece. I read it because my friend recommended it to me. It was beautiful and it had everything. Charm and sophistication. Plus, it made the readers think. An awesome read, great job. You're clearly a fantastic writer.
735253 I'll be honest, I couldn't think of what LUS could stand for, but yeah, one of my many inabilities when it comes to writing is that my volcabulary seems to shrink greatly whenever I do it. I can't keep writing 'she', but I can think of very few things to put in it's place. With Rainbow for example, all I can come up with is 'Cyan Pegasus', 'Cyan Pony', 'Rainbow-maned/haired pony', or occasionally 'Equestria's fastest flier'. If I use one of the cyan ones, I obviously can't use the other one anywhere close to it, and fastest flier is a bit too long to use the majority of the time. It's something I really need to work on at some point.
741485 I wish that were true, but many thanks, I'm glad you liked it
741620
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Sorry, it's jargon with the people I hang out with most of the time. What it means is that you over-use overly description epithets such as "rainbow-mane pegasus" or the aforementioned "lavender unicorn" instead of simpler forms of address. The main issue is that once you've described the pony once, doing so again too many times feels weird. Try to make your descriptive phrases matter to the context. If Dash is showing off in the air, or talking about it, "the flier" makes more sense than "the rainbow maned pegasus." As long as there isn't ambiguity, people don't notice "she" as often as you think. The same goes for names. You can also gain mileage from:
The other mare
Her friend
In Dash's case, you have Rainbow and Dash as names to use for her. RD, Dashie, and maybe others for character specific nicknames too. The goal should be not to use descriptive phrases just because you don't want to use a pronoun. Good luck!
I like using She instead of short descriptions most of the time, like only using names and stuff if I need to differentiate two ponies. Anyway;
This was pretty damn good! I think you had a case of letting go here, when you work on something for so long you just can't stand it and can't let it go at the same time.
You loose sight of how good or bad it is, and in this case it was pretty damn good. Good job!
Remember that your own critique will always be the harshest (in most cases, sometimes it's the opposite.) and that sometimes you shouldn't spend too long on a project in case it swallows itself. As some comedy writers say, you have to write down your first impressions, cause the 20th time you read it; you hate it.
Best bit?
When Rarity was remembering her Cloudsdale 'incident' and realised what she did to poor Rainbow, that 'turnaround' bit was written near perfect.
Even the 'everyone' tag couldn't keep me from thinking dirty thoughts... Oh well, it was a nice story.
That was unexpected...
I liked how you wrote Rarity's POV in this, as it made her sound normal and not some over the top dramatic mare. Overall, this was a well written introspective story. I tend to really enjoy introspective type stories too.
The kiss at the end was interesting in how it wasn't really romantic, but not just friendly either. In a way, it almost leaves the entire story on an open ended note, which is nice as it lets the reader form their own conclusions on what might happen down the road.
Great work on this, I like it
*dusts off comment section*
Not bad
483629 Dude, why you beating your self up?
THIS WAS AMAZING!
I have never seen such an incredibly well written story featuring Raridash in my entire life! It's simply equisite! Simply magnificent! It's-
AWESOME!
Yes, I guess...
Since I'm not a RariDash shipper, I'll just interpret that kiss at the end as being purely platonic.
Just like with a few other fics, I'm surprised I didn't fave this the first time.
You can has review!