The Great and Powerful Trixie has fled from Ponyville because it's canon. Since this is a fan written story, she returns to Ponyville unintentionally and meets up with Twilight after collapsing on her doorstep. To spoil the first paragraph, both mares already harvest feelings for one another. Hilarity ensues as they try to live together by complete force of the author. Will they ever confess their feelings to each other? If they didn't then this wouldn't be much of a romance fanfiction now would it?
Picture by dw1482
Chapters (13)
OK well your writing style though hilarious and i have to give you mad props for it just doesn't feel right i don't know why but still i'm tracking this story just because you have a boss sense of humor and it shows promise 4.5/5
I went there. No regrets.
I laughed. You did good imo.
Also, change the word "find" to "kind" in the 3rd to last sentence on this chapter.
Very personal narration, I like it! But I do hope to see a bit more of a storyline in the future. Nonetheless, well done!
Nice narrative style. Kinda unique.. at least some humor here for a change. I can't wait to see where this is going..
23492
Yeah I know. Doesn't feel right to me either. My pacing is sluggish at best, I think that's the problem. Also I don't really write fanfiction... like... at all! Hopefully I can improve with time!
23511
Reverse Psychology. Can't say I don't blame you
23561
Wow! Not only did I proofread as I went, I proofread a second time before posting. Plus I had a pre-reader. Well I guess there will still be some errors that might slip through. Thanks for pointing that out! I went ahead and fixed it already. I'm just glad it was the author notes.
23563
Will do, sir. I'll try to give more story in the next part. More scenes, less exposition!
23600
Thanks.. Hopefully it'll go somewhere nice. I'll try my best
The narration just felt intrusive. It's like a guy who's trying to tell you a joke, but ruins it by constantly laughing at the punchline you haven't heard yet. Don't hog the stage, you're only the narrator. Let the characters in the story take precedence. Furthermore, you don't have to try to milk every sentence for laughs or witty commentary. Few things are less funny than trying to be funny.
In short, tone down the metacommentary, crank up the narrative, and let the scene flow.
23921
I had a strange feeling there was something wrong with my side comments while narrating. The first commenter was a bit vague in saying it, so I'm glad someone expanded on that. I'll definitely have to take that intrusion down a few notches. Perhaps even a revision of this prologue here. Also I already have some of chapter one written out. I'll go over it and work around that so the scene will flow better.
I'm not upset or mad. This is a learning experience for me since I'm an amateur. Thank you very much for your much needed input
the narrative style is nice at first, but it got old pretty fast to me, it was a nice Idea, and I know from the way you did this, that you can do better. I Hope to see more.
Aww, the silly humor was what drew me to this story.
This is pretty funny!
I came for the picture.
Better and better!
There's only one more thing that needs improvement here: you know those MASSIVE, HULKING PARAGRAPHS in the beginning? Try to break those down a little bit into smaller ones, it's easier to read. The ones toward the end are an ideal size.
Other than that, great job, and I look forward to more!
I'm choking to death from the cuteness...call 911 please help .........*death*
This is freaking hilarious. Keep going.
lol i love your writing style and the story written in it. its sweet and humorous. . . just the way i like em XD
Comment Roundup!
24422
Thanks for your honesty! I figured it out after the person before you commented. hopefully the revision along with the first chapter is an improvement
24646
I'm glad it was considered humorous!
24665
Thank you very much
24887
Yes, I liked the picture so I asked the author for permission to use it. Hopefully the stroy's contents will do it some justice!
24892
Thanks very much for your input! I really appreciate it!
Yes I can see how the paragraphs looked pretty intimidating
I should have taken care of that much sooner. I know better than that! To be honest, I just liked how big they looked.
25260
Oh no! I'll call them ri-- Oh wait this comment was a while ago... You're dead, huh? Well I'll just note that here...
moar....cuteness... Got it!
25285
Will do! Thanks for your comment!
25388
And that's how I like to write them! I'm glad you have enjoyed the story thus far.
Look at my stretched comment! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOO-- *bricked*
Dat Plot.
Weeee. Twixing the day away WEEEEE. I have so much homework but I wasted the day reading this story...Worth it.
Also FIRST
I love this fic. It just stomps the hell out of the fourth wall.
Once again, well done! There's just one thing that...
Wait... it can't be. But is it...?
I have no criticism!
I gotta admit, it's kind of a bittersweet feeling since you have more success than me, but forget that, I'm happy for you! A WINNER IS YOU
I eagerly await more, but don't let us pressure you - take as much time as you want.
I love your writing style, and so I think this prologue was written very nicely!
Oh yes I loved how you cut from the scene where they met...
I can only say, good jOb! You exploit my favorite gernre's very well! Waiting impatiently for the next instAllment!
"Put more on the pan and forget the last batch didn’t exist." it can be just me but i have a feeling somthing is wrong with that sentence.
Your narration is...EPIC I completely support your writing style.
Wow, that is the only word I can think of to describe this. It is a very enjoyable read. I am a bit jeopous that you have had more success than me at writing but only a bit. Keep writing please.
Another comment roundup!
Just wanted to thank you guys so much for reading my story and showing such great support! You guys know you are the driving force and keeps me going! I'll try not to stretch this comment to far down.
26962
That sounds like what I do when I should be doing chores.
"Oh I was going to vacuum today and put the dishes and laundry away, but I found myself lying on the couch reading shipping fanfictions instead! I do not regret anything!"
27005
Wait... There was a fourth wall?
27028
Nah, don't worry about it. I think a lot of people here are way more successful than me. Still, I wasn't expecting even this much attention. I'm just happy knowing you guys are happy.
Don't worry I expect to release another chapter within at least 2 days. I spend most of my free time working on it now. It's refreshing to do something new!
27423>>27425>>27426
Thanks, man! I'm glad you thought my interjections were funny as well. I've found myself less wanting to intrude on my story but at the same time I just wanna crack a joke at it sometimes. Again, thanks for reading!
27437
I totally agree! I had an off feeling about it but I didn't know why at the time. I've already revised that sentence so hopefully it's a little better. Thanks for your input!
27497>>27521
You're the second person to say they're jealous of me. I honestly don't know why I'm getting this much success either. To tell you the truth, I was just playing around with the story in the beginning. It wasn't until I got so much feedback that I decided to pursue this seriously.
I'll probably give your story a read later. You've sparked my curiosity somehow.
___
That'll do it! I rather gather these responses in one huge comment then a bunch of little ones. I don't want double the comments just because half of them are mine. Anyway I'm already into Chapter 3 so I hope to finish it in a couple days. Until then, enjoy your week!
Love the way this is written. Keep up the good work?
EqD has story submissions that link directly to FIMFiction, so just go ahead and submit.
I honestly wish more authors would link their stories here. I hate Google's setup and at least this site tells me what I've already read or need to read.
By the way, awesome story. It's a REALLY different approach and I'm loving it! Not to mention Twixie is best ship.
Tiny Comment Roundup! I'm working on Chapter 3 right now, but there's something I need to reply to, haha.
27579
Thanks, man. I'll try my best to keep up whatever work I'm having here
28206
I think I made a blog about this. I don't want to link EqD here, because these chapters break the interjection rule. I like my interjections and I didn't want to take them out. So I just put the story in google docs to submit (I submitted to it a couple days ago. I'm waiting for it to come back in tiny shreds of paper). Kind of my way of having that clean version for them and my interjection'd one for here. As for the story here I think it's more reliable to not follow EqD's fanfiction updates and just rely on the tracking system here like you said. So much easier.
Did I mention that I'm a stubborn mule? No? Well I am.
And yes, good sir, Twixie is best ship.
Yaaaay! You referenced one of my favorite serious fanfics! X3 I absolutely loved Of Mares & Magic!
what.... the hell am i reading....?
"Occasionally she sniffed the clothes to help memorize that jasmine mint scent it gave. " creepy! so very creepy!
"not very well written"
I think I speak for most of the people reading when I say "wait, what?"
uhh...
I'm sorry, i just cannot continue to read this... i want to, but i just cant...
i understand that some people may find this style of storytelling engaging, but to me it is schizophrenic.
Aso; you need to use commas, they allow the story to flow better and become less jumpy. see: 1984
"Parsons was Winston's fellow-employee at the Ministry of Truth. He was a fattish but active man of paralysing stupidity, a mass of imbecile enthusiasms -- one of those completely unquestioning, devoted drudges on whom, more even than on the Thought Police, the stability of the Party depended. ".
Now I'm no grammar Nazi (i dont care enough and dont have the understanding of language), but you need to use more commas. or semicolons. or something, anything at all to give the story more flow and less stop-start. i almost got motion sickness from the constant jerks.
The story jumps around, the characters trains of thought seem to dissolve and... well, everything is just... just broken. the omnipotent narrator seems to be just as happy giving meandering meta-comments and observations as telling the actual story, and... and... and... i give up...
</rant>
still, for a first try, good job!
I'm a sucker for anything twixie
Dear lord!
I read the author's note and it was enought to track and give 5/5. I usually don't like Twixie, but this is too good to pass up. 
i am loving this fic very much and i love the reference to the other fic (which i also loved) keep up the good work
28802 I agree with this statement.
Seriously don't stop writing, this is great.
"Badly written," my flank. This is awesome.
Also: twixie fic within a twixie fic.
TWIXCEPTION
27551 Oh the tomatoes are in the other room? OK back in a minute then I'll read your fic! *Leaves*
Comment Roundup time! Again, thanks for all your support! My confidence has been shattered as of recent so I apologize that it was exploited like that in my author's comments.
28770
Haha it's funny because my references are only caught if I name drop them. My other ones were probably too vague though. I'm glad you liked it either way.
28801 28804
I'm going to be completely honest about the example you gave me about using commas. That has to be a run on sentence. I've seen shorter that have been called the same. I really do appreciate your feedback. I'm sorry the story sucks for you. I'm not even sure how different the previous chapter is from the first 2, but I like to think that I somewhat improve with each chapter. Still, I agree with your opinion nonetheless.
28802>>28872
Like I said, I just got my behind handed to me when I got my brief review back. Actually, I never said that. Until just a sentence ago. Either way, it still put me down a bit. I'm glad there are people who would disagree and say they enjoy reading it. Makes me feel better.
28810
As do I. Along with a lot of other Twixie stories but that particular one is on the tip top of the epic scale!
28815
I totally understand. For I am a sucker for the shipping myself.
28837
I'm glad for that! Thanks for your comment.
28863
That's awesome then! I really thought name dropping another story was generally frowned upon. I only did it here because it seemed appropriate. Of Mares and Magic is basically a book anyway.
28891
Nah I wasn't going to stop writing. If there are people that like it, i'll keep going. Thanks for your support!
28922
What took you so long?!
I've been waiting forever for an inception joke! It never gets old for me.
---
I'm glad you guys exist. Sure made me feel a whole lot better. I was gonna take today off from writing to clear my head but I guess this was all I needed. I'm not gonna start the next one now but I'll definitely start tonight. Enjoy the rest of your week now.
Just a response since it was before my big one.
28929
I'm sure glad I didn't tell you where the knives were being sold. So you're going to grab a tomato and then read my fic?
What the hay? You may fire when ready.
*puts a target on his face*
I LOVE this! Please, don't stop writing! I MUST see what happens!
Pweeease?
I hold an advanced degree in creative writing and have been an editor for a litterary magazine. I have never posted anything to this site before.
But I simply cannot allow you to become as disheartened as you appear in your closing notes. This is the single best written fanfic I have read. Your style is unique and you deliver it flawlessly. You owe it to the community to continue writing. This is a masterpiece of bronydom. Finish this, then start writing your own characters so we can get you published.
There ARE some minor issues here and there, but honestly it's not bad enough to have any trouble reading this story. And I wonder if it might be confidence-related. Ironically, it seems that in this latest chapter, in which you were apparently disheartened from a bad review, actually had more errors than previous chapters. In any case, don't worry too much about it, and keep up the (overall) good work!
BADLY WRITTEN????!!!
Gotta say, I love your style! The three ponies in these chapters are amazing (Twilight Trixie and the narrator). I mean it works, its funny, and the story keeps moving.
Never Give Up! Ya' can't please everypony, but keep goin' for those who enjoy it.
So far, it's meta.
SO. FUCKING. META.
It was to the point where it was borderline batshit insane.
Not that it's a bad thing.
Why did I not realise that it was you who wrote this? I noticed the picture of course and read the description, but never really paid it much attention, but then I saw that it was you who wrote it and I felt compelled to read, especially seeing as you read and reviewed me.
I honestly like the overall style, it fits well within a comedy fic, The use of the narrator is pretty good. I mean, the tags are "Romance, Comedy & Random" you've given yourself a lot of lee-way with the type of comedy you can convey. I find that this fic is quite good at poking fun at the fandom and fanfiction in general, pointing out that if you would have had Twixie contact from the start you would have gotten more views, for example xD
Whilst you can get a bit rambly and it can sometimes be hard to follow your train of thought, if you keep a general sense of organised chaos with your narrative, you should be alright in that department. Just remember to make it coherent, but not so coherent that it strays into being a normal fic. This fic has set a precedence for fourth wall humour and I honestly love it as a fourth wall humour fic. Making fun of shipping in a shipping fic, I don't want to redo the inception joke... still great though.
OK OK OK
I get it. No more Mr. negative whiny pants. I just didn't see this kind of backlash coming
Wait backlash is a negative response... Then what would be the positive version of it?
Frontlash? Meh, I'll stick to to the story instead.
Comment Roundup Part 2
28971
I'm not gonna stop, I promise
Please don't use fluttershy... it feels like the world is ending when she cries.
29015
You have no idea how bad I wanna call your bluff! Apparently, it's not bad enough.
I get it now. I was just mentioning it in my notes because it was how I felt at the time. I didn't expect a creative writing major to give me such pristine praise. Your comment has really refreshed my mind! Thank you very much. I will continue the story as planned.
29037
"Ironically, it seems that in this latest chapter, in which you were apparently disheartened from a bad review, actually had more errors than previous chapters."
Yeah I can go with that. I don't wanna make excuses because I should always be on top of those kinds of errors. To be honest, I was a bit discouraged last night. My one prereader was busy so I was proofreading by myself like I usually do. Funny how I found more errors in it then any other chapter. I thought I had gotten rid of all of them. I'll have to proofread it again and send it through a spell check (I can't believe I skipped the spellcheck...).
Thanks for pointing that out. As always, the support is very much appreciated!
29041
I'll do just that! Continue on for those who are liking it. That I can do. No problem. Reassuring one liner.
Thanks for reading!
29083
I like that! Batshit insane.
Good thing it's not a bad thing!
29085
Hah, I mimicked your surprise. I saw this comment and thought, 'Earl Grey? That sounds familiar... Twixie is involved.' Low and behold it's the author of one of the best fanfictions I've read on this site.
If there's one thing I remember about our little conversation, it was about Trixie and Twilight actually taking time to gain affection for one another. You can already tell from reading the Prologue that I threw that out the window. <-- Adored's influence on this.
If I had little doubt before about my story, you just stomped the rest of it out. I feel so much better now! I really wanted to do this story for fun and I couldn't help but 4th wall break in my first draft. Glad that habit turned out this way. I know I can ramble sometimes, lol. I try to keep control of it. You'd be surprised how much narration I take out of it. Hopefully it's not too, too bad.
I'm glad you liked my fanfiction. It's always an honor when an author from a story you like, looks at your work and gives a thumbs up. Best. Comment. Ever!
___
You guys are all awesome, ok? I'm done dreading over my little review I got last night. I just felt really down about it. To my surprise there are a lot of people who like reading it so I'm going to continue for them (myself as well).
I also promise not to gripe anymore (I've deleted said gripe from my last chapter). The thought my comment on my last journal didn't beg for a disagreement, but I thought wrong. I didn't mean to have most of you reassure me that I'm doing a good job on this. Though I seriously, completely, broken recordly, appreciate it very very VERY much!