It's never easy to be in love. It tests your endurance, your mind and your heart. For Pinkie and Fluttershy, things go downhill as ponies constantly tease and ridicule them for being 'fillyfoolers'. Unable to contain her unhappiness that the situation has brought, Pinkie spills out something she never meant to say. Convinced that she's done more harm than good, Fluttershy decides to leave Pinkie, in hopes that the young baker will find 'true' happiness. Will the pair be brought back together, or is this really the end to their relationship?
Contains same-sex shipping. If you strongly dislike same-sex shipping, I would advise that you do not read this story.
Cover art's page on deviantart : http://bugplayer.deviantart.com/art/Under-the-rain-they-can-t-see-you-cry-416952546
I give artist credit so you won't have to. (Seriously though, put a link in the description)
That would be "first hoof."
The primary problem here is that your setup hinges on an event that isn't actually featured in the story. I sorta see what you were going for, but you really should have started off with the name-calling scene to establish the central conflict. It feels like a big chunk of this story is missing.
(That said, what the hell is up with that like-dislike ratio? It's nowhere near that bad,)
Double comment, ignore.
5103591
Well, as one of the people that disliked it, I can somewhat explain; at least for mine. It's because of having no build up whatsoever. It never gives us a reason to care about their relationship, it never shows us how bad it is the homophobia is, the only reactions it did show were positive ones (like the fact that the Cakes weren't treating Pinkie any different and the conductor at the end), and it never shows us the spot where Pinkie did something to make Fluttershy want to run off. This feels like the climax of a different story, rather than a story unto itself. From a pure writing point of view (grammar and such) it wasn't half bad outside of a couple problems, but from a story telling perspective, this was definitely the wrong way of going about it.
5103862
Not disputing anything you said - the plot definitely has problems - but I hope we can agree we've both seen worse fanfics. Me, I upvoted it because I think it does show some potential - if nothing else, FeelingPinkie is on the right track and that should be encouraged.
5103861
You know you can delete your comments, right?
5104158
Yes but I also know that people tend to react badly if they think an author deleted messages. Especially from a person who was critical of the story.
5103104 oh thanks, sorry I didn't have the link to the artist's devianart.
5103591
5103862
Thank you both for your critiques. After reading your comments, I understand that my story does have some problems. I may try to fix them in the future, but probably not. I wrote this purely for the enjoyment of my friend who requested me to write the story and in this manner. Maybe I shouldn't have posted it here, but oh well. Of course, I will take your critiques to heart and try to improve in the future. Thank you both very much. :)
5104525 Now you do.
5104575
stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/2713211/jurassic-park-o.gif
Could it be... an author who actually accepts criticism like a rational and mature human being
This story has major potential for an expansion. .. while what others said is true with the lack of build up it has to be said that there is more than one way to skin the cat. My biggest issue with the story is while there is the tender moment at the end the emotional response is somewhat lacking... There isn't real pain or sorrow to be felt, I did however think with a few additional pieces of information or a little background these issues can easily be rectified. Overall a enjoyable read just not quite the story the description made it out to be. I am looking forward to seeing more great stories. While what I have said is what each other person has said, to a degree, something that I think maybe a good idea is continue to create stories, different plots and characters but string them together but a central point, that way you can weave a tapestry out of the different themes and ideas but they will all draw into the overlying theme. This way you can draw the reader into the different emotions that you wish to convey while retaining the stories integrity. This just one style that you can try out. I think it would work very well with the way you write.
5126412 Why, thanks you very much good sir! I'm glad you managed enjoyed this piece, even with the glaring problems it has. After the previous critiques, I am rather compelled to rewrite the story, or at least change the description. Oh well, I'll see how it goes.
I loved this story its my second time reading it good job, I know its pretty late.
7594889 Oh well, thank you! However, I must say it is definitely not one of my best works. Nonetheless, I'm glad you enjoyed it!