• Member Since 1st Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Admiral Biscuit


Money won't nuzzle you when you're sad.

T

Down a well-traveled side street off the lower Las Pegasus market, stands a proud building with a dignified brass plaque on the door that simply says "The Sex Shop." Everypony's heard rumors of what's inside.

Trigger warning: Not a clopfic


Audio reading by AShadowOfCygnus

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 73 )

Dare I ask what brought THIS one on?
FIRST!!! There, now that's out of my system.

Haha, you actually did it! :rainbowlaugh:

Niice.

5098948

Comments on Important Differences.

While it may or may not be that griffons have bird parts back there, given the wide number of different species in Equestria, and possible biological or functional incompatibility, such a shop might do very brisk business indeed.

I was thinking about it at work today, and after I got done publishing War Were Declared, I just went ahead and wrote it. I'm using One-Shot-Ober as an excuse to write things I normally wouldn't, and flex my literary muscles.

Next up is a SoL, then I'm not sure, then a Dark + Gore for the 8th.

5098995
Would you expect anything less from the guy who wrote the first peachfic?

Biscuit, you magnificent bastard, I read your fic!

I actually like this. It's simple and short, doesn't have much of a point, but what it has, it gets across nicely. A nice little diddy that actually explores some of the social... things? of sex and sex accessories. (>_>) I... don't know how to word that any better. Like how schoolkids talk about naughty shit like that, how parents get uppity about stuff like that, and how people running a sex shop aren't necessarily perverts (or in this case, aren't even kinky).

Though I have to say, even for a pony who's proud of their talent, I think it'd be pretty damn fucked up having a DICK for a cutie mark.

Just sayin.

Also, the bad dragon reference was not lost on me.

5099145

I think it'd be pretty damn fucked up having a DICK for a cutie mark.

Given how fast and loose they play with cutie marks ("the smiling flowers represent the happy faces of my students"), he could say it was a cucumber or a candlestick or something else that's shaped like that.

Anyway he's secure with his place in the world.

and how people running a sex shop aren't necessarily perverts

I actually know a former sex shop employee. We've had some interesting conversations. I almost called her, to see if she'd be a technical consultant for this story.

Also, the bad dragon reference was not lost on me.

I'm sure everyone reading this story has seen the ad.

5099199

I'm sure everyone reading this story has seen the ad.

HehehehehehehehehehHEHEHehehehehe.... :rainbowlaugh:

You keep writing them, I keep liking and favoriting them.

One-shot-ober is half of my spice of life right now! Confound you Admiral, you drive me to write!

5099001
The back half of a griffon is lion parts. I'd expect a griffon's genitalia to fit that rather than the eagle half.

The meaning of the story is so deep that leonitus wouldn't spartan kick a man down this

"I sell sex toys and sex toy accessories"

Bang it Bobby!

Candlestick or cucumber XD

5099574

Confound you Admiral, you drive me to write!

Do eeet.

5099752
Could be; a lot of it would depend on if they lay eggs or not. Egg-laying mammals have cloaca.

But even if Griffons have cat equipment, there are still potential issues with size and length. IRL, horses are huge and lions are not. Based on some scaling experiments I did (including best guess of a female pony's hip structure), ponies are still pretty damn big.

Great little story, going to have to look at your other work once I get back home.

Noticed a small grammatical error. Check the line that has "upon closer inspection, more resembles", there should be an "a" before the next word in that. The word which I shall not type in the comments section.

Welp, got to go, check your other stuff later. You'll probably have stuff I like. ^_^

5100252

Great little story, going to have to look at your other work once I get back home.

:pinkiehappy:

Noticed a small grammatical error.

Thank you--correction made.

God-fuckin' damn, this is well outside what I was even close to expecting.

A brilliant story, and I'm quite disappointed that it's a one-shot. Regardless, it's in my Favourites.

The final paragraph is what makes this story. Having lived near Amsterdam for two years, I can tell you that they're basically like the salespeople you'd get in a video store or whatever.

Which, of course, does make it a bit weird when they say, "Now I've actually got one of these at home myself ..." :rainbowlaugh:

Very cute and enjoyable except for one final line.

but she also knows it's not appropriate to discuss it.

Really? They run a sex shop that's all about enjoying yourself, yet they taught their daughter it's wrong to discuss sex? Methinks that ought to be a typo...:rainbowlaugh:

5102757
It was supposed to be "in class." or "at school." I guess I accidentally edited that part out.:derpytongue2:

Trigger warning: Not a clopfic

Fuck it, I'm outta here. jk

5102757

They know that if their daughter started going on and on about sex at school, the other students would assume that she was sexually active and promiscuous, and treat her with less respect. This behavior derives from a combination of a k-selective reproductive strategy, female childbearing and sapience; it is unavoidable, even in the Magic Land of Equestria. Especially where young persons are concerned.

What makes the story is that the couple aren't depraved ponies out of a porno fantasy -- they're Just Plain Folks, who love one another and their child.

5100675

God-fuckin' damn, this is well outside what I was even close to expecting.

:heart:

5103585 No the problem was originally Biscuit omitted the "at school" or "in class" part of the sentence.:rainbowlaugh: But I do agree with your point to some extent.

5099814

Reading that in my best Hank voice just made it even funnier for me. :rainbowlaugh:

Read this in Morgan Freeman's voice.

5104375 i read it with a sort of mix of Sir David Attenborough and Michael Palin which also seemed to work

i.imgur.com/82a3Ldl.png
Never before have I gotten such an appropiate Bad Dragon add.

Good job. Nice fic.

5103964
5104375
5104422
James Earl Jones or Paul Harvey would work well, too.

I hate this shit THIS IS AWESOME!

Short and sweet, I love stories like this. :twilightsmile:

What a fresh and fun idea, and it has a message that I can really get behind. Those two are just normal ponies with jobs, no reason they would be or should be anything else. They actually seem like a really sweet couple. I bet their bedroom life is fun, but hey, we shouldn't pry. :heart:

A lovely little scene sketch and character study. Quite sweetly and maturely done!

But, other than the rather exotic daughter, their home features no sex dungeon,

implying the exotic daughter is a usual part of a sex dungeon?

I like this.

5113706
Wow, that could have been better worded.

5113887 It gave me a good chuckle, I thought I would share it.

5100113 Check this blog post, it has the sizes for horses/ ponies, or at least what's reasonable.

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/374175/on-size-and-the-misuse-of-it

I read this because my curiosity got the better of me. This is...not what I expected. I'm glad it's not. It is well written and I'm giving it a up vote.

5117704
At most, five of them are. The other four are people who donvoted just because I wrote it.

5103585

This behavior derives from a combination of a k-selective reproductive strategy, female childbearing and sapience; it is unavoidable, even in the Magic Land of Equestria.

The disapproval of sexual knowledge that you're talking about doesn't follow inevitably from a reproductive strategy. It comes from cultural beliefs that amplify the association between sex and reproduction, and between discussing and doing. When you reduce culture to biology, please think twice about whether you're oversimplifying things.

There's a cultural component to inferring that, because one knows about a thing, one surely does it. We don't assume that people who know a lot about football play it a lot. There's also a lot of human cultural variation in attitudes toward knowing about sex. But even if there weren't, the availability of reliable birth control means that sex doesn't imply reproduction, so ponies' reproductive strategy wouldn't strictly determine their sexual practices.

5117938

The disapproval of sexual knowledge that you're talking about doesn't follow inevitably from a reproductive strategy. It comes from cultural beliefs that amplify the association between sex and reproduction, and between discussing and doing.

(*sigh*) No, it comes from the combination of k-selection, female childbearing and SAPIENCE. Adolescents are trying to form their sexual identities and statuses; they are not yet secure in either. if you tell them that you are very knowledgeable about sex, whether or not you tell them that you are highly sexually-active, this will be assumed because that is how adolescents think, based on the combination of fascination and lack of experience with the topic.

To put it another way, teenagers are generally dirty-minded but innocent. Which is a socially dangerous combination for you if you happen to be a fellow-teenager with unusual (in any direction) knowledge of sex.

In the story, the daughter is approaching an age when she will have to deal with males making sexual advances to her. At her age, unready as she is to marry and bear children, if she yields to these advances she will damage her future prospects in life.

For a society to succeed in culturally disconnecting sexuality and reproduction it would have to have a level of technology such that children could be cheaply and easily produced upon demand by means other than males and females mating and the females becoming pregnant thereby. Even given this, it would then need social institutions which ensured that the children were still cared for by their parents and treated as members of both parental families.

Equestria has not yet reached that level of technology. Our civilizations have not reached that level of technology. The Human societies which have actually tried to disconnect sex and reproduction -- mostly Western Europe, though this has also taken place to some extent in the cultures of the Anglospheric Diaspora -- have suffered birth dearths and rampant social problems in consequence.

Oh, and a higher-than-normal proportion of their births being to unwed adolescents, because adolescents are one class of people which one cannot count on to use contraceptives even if available, cheap, effective and safe. Keep in mind; every sapient being is the child of two other sapient beings who either wanted to reproduce, or did not care enough about avoiding it to avoid the actions which led to reproduction, including failing to use contraceptive techniques.

We know that Equestria has not made the attempt because Equestria is still expanding. We know this because we have seen several "frontier" towns with the usual marks of temporary and recent construction, underdeveloped hinterlands and so forth.

So given this, it is fairly obvious that it would be a very bad idea for the daughter to make a big deal about her knowledge of the details of sexuality. She would gain some temporary notoriety and status at the price of a longer-term diminuation in status, because she would -- quite unfairly and irregardless of her actual behavior -- be seen as a slut. This would of course be an immature and shallow judgement of her -- but teenagers ARE "immature and shallow."

Her parents know this, presumably personally (given their Cutie Marks -- think about how they would have been treated when they appeared, and they would have been young adolescents when this happened as well). They wish to spare their beloved daughter the suffering.

Were there child a son rather than daughter, this display wouldn't hurt him as much, but it would still hurt him. He might gain status among the colts, and since being sexually-easy isn't as damaging to the male reputation, it might be positive status. At least when they're still young adolescents.

On the other hand, think about what happens when he tries to court fillies -- he'll find that the easier fillies will be more interested in, but the less easy ones less interested in him, because of how they will be modeling his romantic strategies.

He will be unfairly assumed to be a cad. This means that he will find it difficult to connect with a filly who is looking for serious love, the sort of filly he might want to marry when they get older. He is more likely to wind up marrying an actual slut, with all the personal and reproductive disadvantages this implies for his future.

This is how reality works. It derives from the iterated game that is courtship, and the fact that the players of this game need very much to figure out the strategies of those with whom they are playing the game -- so they will seize upon whatever hints they can find. And in the case of inexperienced gamers, perhaps make unwarranted assumptions.

And this is social reality. The fact that one lives in a science-fantasy universe doesn't change social realities in this regard.

There's a cultural component to inferring that, because one knows about a thing, one surely does it. We don't assume that people who know a lot about football play it a lot.

Actually, I would make that assumption with regard to football of adolescents (because adolescents tend to have more time for physical sports) and it's probably accurate to assume that the percentage of people who play football is higher among fans of football than of those disinterested in the sport. The analogy is between avid readers and writers, and I think you'll fnd that an avid reader is more likely to be a writer than someone who is not an avid reader.

Among adolescents, and particularly younger adolescents -- most of whom, remember, have little or no sexual experience -- a high amount of sexual knowledge almost certainly does correlate with an unusual willingness to engage in sexual activity, and probably with being "easy" as well. This becomes less true as ages increase, because even a fairly chaste mare in her twenties or thirties is likely to have a lover or be married, or to have had a lover or be married.

But at, say, 12-14? Most kids that age won't have much knowledge about the details of sex unless they're sexually-active, and most who are, are probably fairly easy (and emotionally-damaged, but Kids Are Cruel). And I say this in full awareness of the fact that the correlation isn't all that strong, because it's just strong enough that adolescents, in particular, are bound to latch on to it.

You might have a culture which actively tried to prevent people from drawing logical inferences of this sort. But the problem with policies like that is that they don't bite well, because anyone who obeys them suffers bad social consequences, while anyone who defies them (but keeps his defiance secret) gains social advantages: cultural evolution selects against the policy and for the forbidden attitude.

What's worse (from the policy-maker's point of view) is that this particular selection operates against the policy by the very strong evolutionary force of sexual selection. It is hence very unlikely to work.

Absent such a policy, there is absolutely no reason why a classroom, or school, full of giggling pre-teens and teens isn't going to make the obvious inference.

Hmm.

I see.

Mmhmm...

Yes, YES!

I like it.
i.imgur.com/y9EZz.jpg

A most curious and enlightening read

A very good read and a thumbs up.:moustache:

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