A brony who writes what is on his mind
On the Island of Mane Nui, Six heroes shall raise to face a long forgotten. With the great masks as their guide they are destined to change the world. Meanwhile Twilight, her friends, and the princesses try and solve the mystery of Six stars only seen when Luna first became Nightmare Moon.
Note: AU. Bionicle in the MLP universe
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ARgh, I've already seen that pic on a fic... that was Bionicle.
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If it was used on Deviantart by JFPierre then you saw my account on there
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No... on this site.
Oh well I guess I'm not the only one who wanted to use it
Wow! You've done your research!
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For the past ten years I have been a bionicle Nerd and working of it make it easier. Ponies just add to it and make better
490046 I have all the comics from the beginning. I grew up on this stuff.
Bring honor to the Bionicle.
Bionicle? Haven't heard that name in a while.
I have vague memories about that. I saw one or two of the movies...
Impressive for a starting chapter. The only thing I could pick you about are a few spot grammar errors.
I've nothing to say otherwise. Can't wait to see what you come up with!
hmm not bad i think it was alright i think idk why the Bionicle pony crossovers have sprung up even tho its been about 3-4 years since its trajet and very arupte end.
Well this seems interesting; a few minor mistakes, but nothing really serious.
I have to admit, I was not expecting there to be more than the six basic elements.
good luck! I'll be tracking this story like an "energy hound".
Also do the sea-ponies have a unicorn horn? Seems like between the shape-shifting and magic, that they'd be a bit too over powered.
Another bionicle brony!? That's what's up! Your story is great and cannot wait to see more!
God. I have not heard nor seen from Bionicle since the good old days of 2002. I think youve just brought me back into it
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That is just the cover art, In the story the Ga-ponies are earth/seaponies
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On Deviantart we have a club call MLB-DiM, which is the name came from. join us we have mocs and artwork as well
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because of how in some of MLP reminds old bionicle fans of there childhoods
Oh man, the nostalgia. I used to spend days straight with my friends building/playing with Bionicle. I still have a whole big bin in my basement filled with parts and stuff.
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I still got a lot of mine together but with three bins of parts say a lot.
Oh, Man. I did Grown up with Bionicle. It was my childhood. And now, Mixed with my actual Sub Obsesion (Being the first all stuff related to Army and/or war), I just don't know what to think...
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Same here and I hope you enjoyed it
There is a difference between Sea Ponies and Mer-Ponies. Sea Ponies have fins instead of forelegs and curling seahorse-style tails. Mer-Ponies by contrast have forelegs, and fluked whale-style tails. They also don't have the use of "Shoo be doo" in their songs as a common trait.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for throwing out certain retcons from later in the Bionicle.
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500812 The retcons I was talking about are the ones about Makuta (DON'T say the T-word) and Mata-Nui. Going by the intro you've thrown out that garbage and kept with what was supposed to be.
500850 Makuta and Teridax are two different characters in this story. Teridax was killed by Mata nui in their final fight, but because of his power and mask instead of just dying he was split into Darkness and Chaos. Both of these form their own minds and became there own selves. Makuta in a sense is the legacy of Teridax
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Then a few of my other twist from the later years shall surprise you, note no brotherhood of Makuta in this one just one master of shadows
First of all, how is it that I haven't seen this story before!?!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png
Second, this is getting rather interesting, and rather tense. Keep up the good work good sir! (or ma'am)
936358 idk
thanks I work hard on this, I also have an option to have others work on the world since it is so big here is the link for that http://jfpierre.deviantart.com/journal/so-many-stories-so-little-plot-to-write-314021624 and this is my DA page
Yeah, Twilight's discomfort at Artemis' presence is unfortunate but understandable. If an entity that had, last time you encountered it, tried to overthrow the monarchy, kill and/or maim you, and cover the land in "eternal night," and then that same entity shows up again, younger and seemingly innocent, well, it would still be hard to forgive them...
holy goose-eggs, I am first comment? I think that that might be a first for me.
1017916 ya and given how Twi tends to blow some things out of proportion it seemed to fit to write it like that, thanks for being the first comment on this outside of my editor
Someone rang?
>A/N
A/Ns are generally discouraged, because they are seen to be amateurish. If you're going to have one, at least tag it with "A/N:" and a scene break, something to separate it from the actual story.
>It begins
Capitalize your titles properly. "It Begins"
>In the time before time two alicorn brothers fought over the fate of the world.
Read this aloud, and I dare you to tell me that you wouldn't be skeptical if you were not the author. Missing comma after the second "time".
>One of gold coat and black mane with the mask of Life as his cutie mark,
>facing his dark brother with a black coat and blood-red mane with the mask of shadows as his cutie mark.
Incomplete sentence. Horrendous colour scheme aside, "mask of Life", "mask of shadows" is inaccessible to people not familiar with Bionicle. Inconsistent capitalization for "shadows". Also, infodumping.
>"Brother we do not have to fight.
Brother, we
>We are meant to work together and bring peace to this land and others." The one with the
other," the one
Stilted dialogue. As in, this sounds like something a puppet would say, on account of being cliche, and completely emotionless. There's no context to tell us what's going on. There's no context to give us a reason to care why this is going on. There's supposed to be tension, but the buildup required for it - you know, actual plot events - are missing, and so there is no tension.
>...mask of life said using a barrier to stop his brother's magic.
Inconsistent capitalization for "life". Comma after "said". Lack of details. What kind of barrier? What kind of magic? This isn't a scene, this is a sentence, with as little weight as such.
>"You are wrong my brother for it is I who will rule this world and all beyond it for I am the most powerful being in existence."
Read that aloud. No, seriously, do it. Ran out of breath yet? Well, what makes you think Mr. Alicorn McOP wouldn't? Because he's the most powerful being in existence?
Now imagine this line. Except, it's by someone else. Someone else has decided to write an alicorn, an evil alicorn, who is the most powerful being in existence. Now, how would you feel? Maybe not outright disgusted, but maybe at least wary. Or derisive. There's a reason why overpowered characters are not loved at all. It's because they're bloody unbalanced, and unrealistic as characters. They don't function as more than caricatures.
>The black stallion then put all of his power into one attack and wounded his brother but he himself was open to attack. With a heavy heart the golden stallion took his chance and defeated his brother.
Now read this one out aloud and imagine, this time, a nine-year-old. He has decided to write about an epic battle.
Prove to me that this line isn't something that would come out straight from his story. Because that's what I'm seeing.
The writing is poorly basic. Basic, as in it doesn't show as an epic battle. It glazes over it, removing all the details of what makes an epic battle epic, rendering it into a husk of scene. There is no struggle, because it's been glazed over. "The golden stallion" earns you nothing but a sad laugh. Have you tried envisioning this at all? And hell, if the black alicorn (shudder) was so powerful, why did the golden alicorn survive? If his final attack was so poor as to only injure him, and not even to fatally immobilize him, heck, he doesn't sound like he's worth the hype at all.
>The golden stallion used the last of his power to make an island that ponies could live in peace and to keep them safe should his bother return
Run-on sentence. And, as amusingly, accidentally accurate as it is, "brother" is not spelled as "bother".
>The black stallion created two beings from himself on that day
Ooh. Looks like Mr. Golden did a shoddy job of it. You'd think he'd at least check, but nooooo. See, that's what you get for voting liberal, folks - you get half-hearted government service who can't follow through properly, even when the bloody balance of existence hangs in the balance.
>The chaos being, later known as Discord, went to wreak havoc on the land of Equestria and the darkness buried itself into the ground to grow stronger and reform the black stallion and would later change Luna into Nightmare Moon.
And this is where I stop.
Discord is easily my favourite character. He's a character, with an amazing personality, very fun to write, the one with the most potential for villiany.
And you go and make this ridiculous attempt to make him a spinoff of your own character.
See, you can't expect us to just swallow it whole like that, on account of this being just plain silly. If I were not in a good mood, I'd even go as far as to say that you insult his characterization by tying such a vivid character to - what - some garish PonyCreator product who is, self-proclaimed, "the most powerful being in existence".
All fiction is the author's whimsy. But what's your whimsy isn't ours. You're on Fimfic. The ponyverse takes precedence. A colleague of mine has mentioned that this is, stylistically, based on Bionicle, which explains somewhat why things happened the way they did. To which I must say, well, bugger. Because it doesn't make much sense at all to me, because I'm not familiar with it. Kinda doesn't help that you were the one who recommended it, which implies that you want us to read it. Which, to a
damnvery limited extent, I have.I cannot recommend this, for the severity of errors noted above. However, I hope you can take this as a learning experience, and improve on this feedback.
Oh, also, we'll ban your ass if you pull this again. Because, y'know, you read the rules and broke them deliberately, and we don't take too kindly to that.
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>Authors notes
I do that because of how I first started writing fanfiction to talk to my reader and I understand that it is childish but I do it anyway
>It begins
I agree I have done poorly on the capitalization of my titles but I put them here for jokes and plot points
>In the time before time
I took that from Bionicle and I based that on the early story.
>battle
Yes I glazed over it because of how the original was.
>the alicorns
These are not my characters I'm writing them based on Mata Nui and Makuta from bionicle. both are this because of 1. Mata Nui is the god in bionicle 2. Makuta took over and became a god expelling Mata Nui in the eight year of bionicle.
>Discord
He is more of a plot point that I'm working towards I still have a lot to write.
>My characters
any bionicle name that can be googled is not an OC of mine I am just writing them as ponies
Did you even read all of it I understand if you didn't, thank you for your words on my story and I would like to thank you for even checking it out
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>Did you even read all of it
To answer, no, I did not. I dealt with your story in the same way I do when reviewing on /fic/ - I go as far as I find myself able to, point out errors, and if they seem systemic, leave it at that.
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understood thank you again for your thoughts on my story
So I figured out that I'm reading THIS before Why We Bleed Green.
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Why we bleed green can be read on it's own since it is only the origin story for the Order of Makuta so up until caught in a dream it isn't needed but more of your choice
That scene with Nightmare Moon...Daaawww. Please have NMM have her name changed to Nyx...I mean, if it's not too much trouble?
LMFAO at Pinkie Pie breaking the fourth wall.
...I'm really angry at the Brotherhood of Makuta right now.
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Thanks, but Nyx is already known and would be stepping into Past Sins area I have not read it so I might get some information wrong
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She wouldn't be Pinkie if she didn't break the fourth wall
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I hear ya I have them as an evil group so your hate is welcomed for them
I was afraid of this. I feared that it would be like it was written by a 12-year-old who didn't know much of writing. There are missing bits, sentences run on illogically, etc. All from trying to read the first chapter. I'm not giving it a thumbs up or down, but I'm going to say this: it intrigues me, but the writing is too poor for me, an OCD writer, to read. Sorry.
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It is fine I'm a nineteen year-old who can explain something in detail but can't write to well an do try to read on the first chapter was by far the worst that I written for this story if not I understand and I thank you for even looking at it.
1651786 My other issue is the masks; I get how you translated it, but staring at flanks to see the masks... at least have them wear the masks still. Just my opinion.
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I haven't finalized the toa story line yet and since that was about finding masks I plan on them finding masks that are symbolic of the cutie marks and to explain secondary mask and how they are stored. That is in the next arc of this story.
1657298 Still, staring at flanks. To know who they are. Flanks. F. L. A. N. K. S.
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I get that and when I get to the rebuilding of the Nuians I will include masks for armor
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Flanks. Ponies. Staring at flanks. 
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The CMC do it all the time
1658144 The CMC are in the mix of their hormones, then.
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but then again Diamond Tiara stares at them more
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You know what?
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In some universe that is true