Hoopy's just this guy, you know?
A group of men have done the previously impossible: they have created a portal to another world. Not only that, but the world they've discovered is heartwarmingly familiar to some of them. At first, they could only see into this other world, but soon they hope to be able to travel there.
It's everything they ever could have wanted. Right?
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Awesome ending there. In no way a terifying twist at all
That's some... terrifying ending there
I loved it!
But I am very curious as to whether the Scientist consciously chose the reality where the gate would go, or if he chalked up to just plain coincidence. Personally I'd start to wonder on the mechanics of the multiverse if the first thing that popped up was something we would be familiar with.
I thought this felt like "Window". Though I never read the short story... Saw a TV show that Fox used to do where they did this story (starring Bill Pullman).
I'm just gonna sit here and shiver for a few moments.
So it being grey all the time, "no sky", Matt collapsing and shivering... off-world or low-oxygen training facility?
Wow.
5157907
Interior of the hive, artificially lit to simulate daylight
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Oh, cool. I didn't know they made a TV show! I will have to go check that out.
Hope you wouldn't mind me pointing out a few things I noticed when reading.
Should probably read No way this bullshit is worth only fifty bucks., except I can't figure out from context what bullshit is he referring to
Also, two spaces in front of every paragraph is very annoying. If you want indents in front of every paragraph, make it wider. Otherwise, the spacing in between each paragraph is sufficient. Right now it looks like the first line of each paragraph is misaligned, making it look messy and giving my OCD brain fits.
The story is surprisingly not horrible. The material and setting (ie. MLP:FiM) doesn't quite lend itself to the sort of psychological tension the story demands, however. You mentioned the Cold War in the author's notes, and that reminded me of Philip K. Dick's stories, especially Second Variety, which executes a similar idea, but with better tension in a perhaps somewhat more fitting environment.
Building up the tension could be done better, and so could the ending - it's hard to understand what the Changelings were doing in a mock Ponyville until I read the author's notes. The story almost, but not quite worked for me. At the point where the big reveal is done, my first thoughts should be oh shit everything is fucked and not huh, why are there Changelings in Ponyville. Also, one more issue - it's understandable why every other pony must be disguised, but why the Director too? These things makes the ending less dramatic, if only because I had to pause and think about them.
All that said, congratulations on writing a [Humans] fic that's actually not horrible. Those are so hard to find these days.
5158506 Had to look it up via Wikipedia, but it's from an old Fox TV show called "Night Visions", which was an anthology show of horror stories. It was a roughly 15-20 minutes segment called "A View Through the Window".
Edit: Even better! Found the episode on YouTube! The first half of the episode is what I am talking about, so you can ignore the next half lol.
Great story, I especially loved the part about the sky, it made the whole thing pretty eerie. The ending felt a bit forced for me though, probably because My Little Dashie is a bit overdone. Maybe it would have worked better to have Pinkie turn around and smile at a bunch of kids as they're watching an episode or something.
The characters all got me hooked and felt alive. I really can't help but admire the way you always write well rounded human characters that manage to hold their own in the middle of the more colorful ponies.
I read two times and still dont ubderstand ghey are not the ponies and they make people when neae then. What happened i dont grt it
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They aren't ponies. They're changelings. The entire town is a set, and they're practicing for when they meet real ponies. Their presence makes people feel cold because they are draining the love and life out of them. And now that they've opened the gateway themselves, they have an entirely new audience to feed on.
Wonderful twist, there. I like it.
Nifty!
Keep going! ;)
I was honestly disappointed with the ending.
I expected (and wanted) it to be an actual different dimension (with Equestria maybe never even having been real) of horrifying hellish creatures masquerading as ponies for the sole purposes of some brony scientists one day opening a gateway to them (hey, evil demonic dimensions don't have to make complete sense). It just being actual changelings from Equestria kinda ruined the extremely spooky setup and was very underwhelming...
So IMO up until the reveal it was perfect, but I didn't care for the "twist".
This is in danger of becoming its own verse.
Fun times ahead!
The scientists were correct -- they should have published and all instead of sending a man through.
Not that I could resist the temptation of course -- but for a project like that -- cold detachment is needed or you end up with scenarios like this one, or where they were demons from hell, or some other scenario where they were seeing what they wanted to see.
yes....
yes...
Yes!
YES!!
Wonderful story! I really enjoyed it!
This is not helping me after reading creepypastas all day.....
Meh.
Why would changelings even know humans were setting up a portal device? And they can what just magic it open? Call me cynical but it would have been more convincing if they led the humans along to keep the portal open until they had control of the machine on the other side. Just that special moment of triumph when a pony truly walks the earth, and then the eyes of the adoring fans fill with the fire of betrayal.
Now that was pretty terrifying implication. Really well written though.
Makes you wonder what happened to the actual ponies, if they were fine or not, and/or if the changelings just made this happen away from everyone else so they won't be found out.
5167730 the changelings didn't know. This was a training facility, designed to emulate ponyville. The portal happened to open and the changelings capitalized on the opportunity.
Vivid imagery, deep and well written characters, jaw-dropping(and subtly foreshadowed) twist, and a corrupting of the familiar into the unsettling at the end in the best traditions of stephen king.
Magnificent.
I'm reminded of how I once told you that your best work was in the early parts of any given story, or the one-shots. You've gotten even better since then, and likewise your short stories have become even more amazing with the rest of it - You've hit god tier this time.
That was weird, and pretty creepy. The setup was pretty good, and the reveal didn't quite follow up as well as I hoping it would, but it was still a strong finish. Good stuff.
I think you meant "rain began to"
Amazing story. The changelings are like:
Hmm... the single huge problem is the sudden convenience that the changelings, having never seen an interdimensional portal before are instantly able to open one, and open it using a device they've never encountered before.
That's far too plot-convenient if we are to understand that these are the changelings we know from the show merely pretending to be ponies to prepare themselves for an invasion. They don't have high-level technology, nor would they instantaneously be able to adapt their magic to open a portal which was opened via machine from our side.
The other issue is Chrysalis being 'Megaphone'. If she was directing this whole production and there were no real ponies in the fake town at all, why would she be in disguise if she was acting as primary authority figure and not acting in a role herself?
Might have been better had something unseen, always BEHIND the portal seemed to be shouting at the 'ponies', and then Matt happens to look behind him and see the truth after he goes through.
Honestly, it would have been better off if they'd then revealed themselves to attack Matt before the humans shut the portal in sudden terror and that was that.
If the changelings DID eventually open it again, it'd be more plausible for it to occur much later after they'd had time to analyze the 'signal' or whatever remained in Equestria and researched a magical method of opening the portal. Then, there's more time for the humans to go, "Whew! Dodged a bullet there!" Only for portals to open everywhere on Earth some months later and millions of fully-powered changelings swarm through, the automatic implication being that (and Dan could state it in very few words) "My god... That's why "Canterlot Wedding" felt so forced at the end... the changelings won."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!!!!
The alternate possibility is that these changelings were already planning to invade Earth... but that lacks internal evidence. We see no sign that they know of humans, interdimensional portals, nothing that would clue us in that the humans just happened to randomly (which is, again, far too great a coincidence to be plausible) spy on the changelings' interdimensional ploy for brony subterfuge.
Good enough opening, but the 'twist' was too hasty to be believable.
See, if they hadn't been wussy nerds, one of them would've thought fast, grabbed a crowbar, and smashed her horn with it as she came through the portal.
She'd have been vulnerable in that instant she crossed over. THAT'S when you can attack with impunity!
Also very silly of them to build a portal without an iris for emergencies. This is why portals are best left in government hands!
*Alondro is trained in dealing with invaders who use Stargates...*
Any way, only one choice left! We must engage project 'Nuke Equestria Through the Changeling Portal'.
southparkstudios.mtvnimages.com/images/shows/south-park/clip-thumbnails/season-11/1111/south-park-s11e11c19-nuke-our-imagination-16x9.jpg
5168377 Think about it this way: If the changelings had already won, why would they be training to act like the ponies they already had in pods and were sucking dry until they were lifeless husks like the MURDEROUS FAUST-DAMED FREAKING EVIL HORRID NASTY INCONTINENTDISGUSTING VILE BUG-PONY FREAKS THEY ARE!!! *Alondro is currently frothing at the mouth and bleeding from the eyes in a seething conniption fit of abject hatred*
MUST KILLS ALL DA CHERNGELERNGS!!!
*Alondro hates changelings since a 3-legged changeling murdered his wife and framed him for it. Ever since, he has been on the run from Apploosa Marshals... and I can't find a Tommy Lee Jones or "The Fugitive" pony crossover to link here... the fandom has failed me.*
Nicely done, I like the logic that when Chrysalis found out about the portal, she'd figure out how to re-open it and feed on the beings from the other side.
5244980
an iris?
5396767 LOOK IT UP!!!
Stargate!! Iris!! You'll find it instantly!
Good lord, can't people ever learn to use search engines?
The one thing the cherngelerngs don't realize is some of us have stockpiled DDT.
We knew why the government REALLY banned it!
*Conspiracy theory #17274783648493979: The US government is working for the cherngelerngs and DDT is the only thing that can stop them!*
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Also the reason why everyone is pushing anti-smoking ordinances. Nicotine makes a damned effective insecticide. Of course, it's also deadly to humans...
5398333 Eh, so is caffeine if you take too much. Nicotine by itself actually has fairly low toxicity compared to other commonly used medications and drugs. I'd place it about in the medium range of toxicity.
But in any case, bug ponies are MUCH more susceptible!
I have experimented frequently upon them (brief shot to Alondro's inhumane lab of horrors where various changelings in various numbers of pieces beg the camerapony to kill them and end their agony) and the LD50 of nicotine in chernglerngs is a mere 0.001 mg/kg! A single cigarette would kill them! Kinda like how that guy in 'Mushishi' uses a special cigarette to ward off mushi, smokers will never be approached by chernglerngs, and you can use the smoke to find a cherngelerng in your special extermination squad cuz they'll choke and gag and lose their false form right quick!
Then you and your buddies can gleefully hack them to pieces!
*Changelings avoid Alondro for good reason...*
5398270
well, somwtimes the things have multiple meaning so finding the exact one...but whatever...
Like a couple of others, I found the story disturbing enough, but the plot holes too serious to accept. First, why would the Changelings even have a mock Ponyville to begin with, and be so carefully orchestrating an illusion of normal life? Second, if the Changelings can make portals so easily, why did they wait for the humans to go through in the first place instead of simply reversing the first one that showed up while it was still view-only?
The first could be partially addressed by assuming it's for invasion training purposes, but that leaves Chrysalis' disguise unaccounted for, and it also doesn't really explain why it has to be so dead-on perfect in every respect, which would take far more effort than simply training agents to mimic individual ponies in isolation, for only a tiny benefit. Or, it could be assumed that this sort of interdimensional sting operation was intended in the first place (as my initial reading led me to suppose), but that relies on either absurd luck, or some sort of portal-redirection device/magic to ensure that portals opened in the right place, and not, say, canted upward 20 degrees, or half a mile away, or in any of the other 99.99999% of locations on the world. But such a redirector would imply, again, that they have no real reason not to grab the first viable portal viewer and reverse it immediately, since they'd need a deep understanding of the principles involved.
As for the second, well, Chrysalis is not Twilight Sparkle, and "snap analysis of mysterious complex new magitech phenomenon with a 5-minute reverse engineering turnaround" is most decidedly not in her purview. Not even a little. (Whether even Twilight would really be able to pull that off is dubious enough, but at least you could sort of vaguely hoofwave the problem.) Maybe you could throw in some jargon about "weakening the veil" or whatever making it easier to cross over, but none of that was actually in there, and that still leaves 99% of the problem unaddressed. Namely, the complex process of interdimensional crossing. For that matter, if EqG/RR is canon, it takes ponies a magic mirror that can only be used at long, precise intervals and with a preset destination to pull off this sort of stunt, and changelings are not plausibly significantly more magically capable than Celestia+Sunset Shimmer+Twilight+…, so doing the same job on the spur of the moment to an arbitrary destination with no gear is … not gonna happen.
Oh, wow. That was... slightly disturbing. Good work XD
This was creepy but.. hard to make sense of what was actually going on here. Why were the Changelings putting on an act? How did Chryssi open a portal that easily, what was the 'there's no sky' about? Was it some interdeminsional void thing? Creepy, and shocking but, not quite sure what was actually going on.
That was unsettling, and definitely eerie, but brilliant.
Training ground in the best for changelings pretending to be the townsfolk in case travelers from elsewhere in Equestria showed up... Yikes.