• Published 1st Oct 2014
  • 1,677 Views, 75 Comments

Gerald Ford turns into a Cat - Admiral Biscuit



While touring an archaeological site deep in the Amazon, Gerald Ford falls down a flight of stairs and into a new world.

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Why did it have to be stairs?

President Gerald Ford Turns into a Cat
Admiral Biscuit

“What do you think, Mr. President?” the archeologist gushed. “Impressive, isn't it?”

“Fine work you're doing,” President Gerald Ford replied, exchanging a glance with his two Secret Service agents, and then his lovely wife, Betty Ford.

Even Vice President Nelson Rockefeller was there, but everyone pretended not to notice.

“That's not the best part,” the archaeologist said, gesturing to a long descending flight of stairs. “At the bottom, we've made a discovery which will be the archaeological breakthrough of the century. It's—well, words don't do it justice.”

Ford hesitated at the top—he didn't like stairs—but this expedition had been funded by the University of Michigan, and it would be great to stick it in Ohio State's eye.

He took three cautious steps down the long stone stairwell before his foot slipped, and he made the rest of the descent on his keister.

It was less humiliating than falling down the steps of Air Force One, but lasted a lot longer, and the last step was a doozy.

This stairwell did not end in a landing, airport tarmac, or . . . well, anything. Just an open well.

Ford almost made it to the opposite side of the chasm, and he almost caught the ledge, but did neither and proceeded to plummet down the bottomless pit.

His two Secret Service Agents, Smith and Jones, made it to the bottom just in time to catch the tail end of his fading scream. Betty Ford followed at a more sedate pace, while Rockefeller huffed along behind.

“Should we go after him?” Agent Smith asked.

“Would you go down there?” Agent Jones replied.

As one, the two agents turned to face Betty Ford. “Congratulations, Mrs. President. We are deeply sorry for your loss.”

“W-what about me?” Rockefeller sputtered.

“Sorry, Nelson, you're just not cut out for the presidency.”


Daring Do paced around the ruined temple restlessly. It was her first solo expedition, and she wanted to make sure everything went right. So far it had—in fact, had gone too right. No booby traps, no powerful beasts, no mysterious runes, no scorpions, snakes, spiders, alligators, or even piranhas. It wasn't even creepy inside.

It was a textbook ancient ruin, the kind that just sat there mouldering.

The only oddity was the small pyramid in the center, which had at its apex a large, open, probably bottomless crater. Around it, as if they'd been spit out, were various small archeological tools, a wire-bound notebook filled with writing in a language she didn't recognize, and twelve dented cans of Spam. Based on the picture on the can, it was some kind of horrible pudding. Curious, she opened one, and took a look at the slimy contents. It smelled worse than an outhouse in Tartarus.

She wasn't particularly surprised when a distant yowl came from the well, and she spread her legs and flared her wings, prepared for whatever might be vomited forth. A demon, perhaps—that would test her mettle. Equestria was poked full of holes that led to strange, shadowy dimensions filled with monsters.

Or, it could even be something as mundane as a Quarray Eel. Those she knew how to fight; she was a master of Wing Chen.

Instead what burst forth was a boring, everyday, long-haired, white cat, who seemed as surprised by the turn of events as she was.


After two more days, the only other discoveries Daring Do had made were that the cat would eat Spam, it was rather clumsy for a cat, and she still hated cats.

Giving up on the temple as a total loss, Daring gathered her supplies, the few weird tools, the notebook, the Spam, and the cat, and flew to Ponyville, which was the nearest town with rail service to Canterlot.

She left the cat and the Spam with a friendly pegasus, and took the rest with her.

One train ride and six mimosas later, she'd completely forgotten about her failed expedition and where she lived.


As an Eagle Scout, Gerald Ford had quickly gone through the six stages of grief. He’d moved to acceptance by his fourth hour in this new world. Incidentally, that was the same amount of time it took him to cope with suddenly becoming President—the worst prank Dick Nixon had ever played on him.

He was amazed to discover that the pony who had taken him under her wing—quite literally—spoke a language he could understand. Less fortunate was that he was a cat, and therefore couldn't answer.

Also, she hadn't said anything useful, just muttered to herself about Dr. Caballeron, Ahuizotl, and Tatzlwurms. The Ahuizotl part sounded familiar; the rest was gibberish to him.

He was disappointed when she dropped him off with a different pegasus, but she was kind enough to leave the rest of the Spam. He loved Spam; when he’d served on the Monterey in World War II, it had been the only palatable food aboard ship.

His new caretaker took him to live in her cottage, which was filled with friendly animals and a demon rabbit*. Ford wondered if he'd somehow found himself in the pony version of Bambi.

He would have been happy staying with the demure pegasus forever, but one day a slim alabaster unicorn came by.

She was beautiful, but snooty. Ford knew the type from a hundred White House dinners.

“Good afternoon, Fluttershy,” she began.

“Oh, hello Rarity.” Fluttershy brushed her mane out of her eyes and gave a gentle smile to the unicorn.

Rarity—sounds like a stripper name.

“Um, today's Sun's Day, isn't it? So our spa date's tomorrow . . . or did I lose track of time?”

“No, darling, today is Sun's Day. I finally got moved into the boutique, and I was thinking how lonely it was. I thought I could concentrate without Magnum yelling at the newspaper, and Sweetie breaking everything she gets her hooves on, but. . . .”

“But?”

“I just need a companion. One who's quiet and neat.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy brightened. “I have lots of cute animals just looking for a home. Um, I've got a poor lonely screaming frog. He would hardly require any care at all—just lots of nice juicy bugs to eat.”

“That sounds lovely,” Rarity lied, “but not to my tastes. I would prefer a furred pet.”

Fluttershy nodded. “I have a song about finding the perfect pet. Would you like me to sing it?”

Ex-President Ford nodded eagerly. He loved Fluttershy's singing voice.

“I would, but I do believe I have found the perfect pet. That cat—she's gorgeous. Think how lovely she'd look with a bow in her hair!”

“Um, it's a boy cat.”

Rarity shrugged. “He'll look handsome with a bow in his hair. I shall call him Opalescence.”


*who, after acquiring a taste for American presidents, went on to attack Jimmy Carter.

Author's Note:

A One-Shot-Ober Fic.

This is story #38. Gerald Ford was the 38th President of the United States. Coincidence? I think not.

Comments ( 75 )

Question, Admiral: have you considered making 'One-Shot October' a story, and just adding each new story as a chapter? This is probably just my programmer's OCD acting up, but that just seems so . . . efficient. :twistnerd:

I did, but the stories will span so many genres and ratings...

Headcanon accepted.

My headcanon acceptance standards are woeful.

5083919
Just imagine reading this, and then Mares of Diomedes.

5083929

bethfehlbaumbooks.com/uploads/3/1/2/1/3121112/8302627_orig.gif

In other words, Gerald oughta be really glad he ended up a cat?

memestorage.com/_nw/51/76378097.jpeg

Think this deserves the [Random] tag, but good story.

What did I just read? And why? :rainbowhuh:

Rarity—sounds like a stripper name.

:rainbowlaugh:

5084052
I considered it, but I usually only use 'random' for really weird stuff (like Scootaloo and Celestia: Adventures in Twilight's Gall Bladder.

5084375
Did the title and description deliver what they promised?:pinkiehappy:

5084413
I'd like to think that there's a whole fic on this site based around that premise.

Uh, do what?!? :rainbowhuh:

I approve.



I approve so God-damned hard it hurts to move.



...Help, I can't breathe.

5084501
What a way to kick off a month of madness, eh?

Day 1: mission complete.:rainbowdetermined2:

Could this be...?

A GOOD trollfic?

IT IS! HALLELUJAH! :pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh::rainbowkiss:

This is story #38. Gerald Ford was the 38th President of the United States. Coincidence? I think not.

Well, that's an interesting tidbit.

Another interesting tidbit is that I shaved my whole face while reading this.

5084427
The next 31 days are going to be madness. You've been warned.
Also, I now know that there's a group called "WTF," and this story has been added to it.

5084571
I've got the next queued. Just needs a few minor touchups.

5084587

A GOOD trollfic?

:heart:

5084897

Another interesting tidbit is that I shaved my whole face while reading this.

Also interesting is the fact that Ford was never elected as President or VP. With that in mind, what would you call his campaign in '76? Technically, it wasn't a reelection campaign. . . .

5085145

What?

My work here is done.:derpytongue2:

No wonder Opal's so bitchy.

5083811
I hear you, bro. The mindset starts to get to you, and soon enough you're ending sentences with semicolons.

5084419
We need it. :trixieshiftleft:

I'm okay with this.

*claps*
Congratulations good Sir/Madam,
You have won the internet. If you were aiming to hurt my sides and guts from laughing, good job.

Well, this certainly explains why "Opalescence" is so bad tempered.

5086557 So am I, but I don't find it particularly comedic. It's like an amusing anecdote that isn't meant to be laughed at, because it's so awkwardly told, you can't find a way to laugh at it. Have an upvote.

I'd insert the most bizarre reaction gif I could find, but it wouldn't come close to doing this story justice. Here, have some mustaches instead:
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

His new caretaker took him to live in her cottage, which was filled with friendly animals and a demon rabbit.

... who, after acquiring a taste for American presidents, went on to attack Jimmy Carter. :moustache:

I regret nothing. :coolphoto:

5088461

OMG why didn't I think to put that in the story.

I don't hate Opal anymore.

5088528

Footnote heartily approved.:pinkiehappy:

Although I do have to wonder how many people besides the two of us get the reference.:twilightoops:

5100118
I think it is somewhat common knowledge. I've known about it for at least 20 years (I wasn't old enough when he was actually President to remember it, although it was probably brought up back then).

5100167

It sounds like you're about the same age as I am, then. Most of the fans seem to be in their teens or twenties though, and I don't remember this coming up in a popular culture context in the past twenty years or so.

A quick look at Google Trends suggests that the incident is less well known than two barely known 19th century presidents, and a silent movie actor that most people probably couldn't pick out of a lineup.

Even if we're the only two who get it, though, it's still worth it. :pinkiehappy:

5100489
I discovered at bronycon that a lot of the well-known authors are older than most people would imagine... I certainly wasn't the old man there, at least. The over the hill group is filled with familiar faces.

This was sure interesting ... :moustache: I like it :moustache:

Haven't read this yet, at the time of posting this comment, so... All I can say/think is "What...possible train of thought could have led to this?"

Edit: Okay, finished reading now. Same question still applies, but even so, I am amused.

5135212
Thanks!

5150279

All I can say/think is "What...possible train of thought could have led to this?"

I'm not sure what the first thought was, but then I thought Gerald Ford was known for falling down things, so a cat would be about the most appropriate/inappropriate thing he could turn into, and . . . well, there you have it.

Fucking perfect
Your depiction of Rockefeller
Those vague yet dank history references
Simply wonderful

6727657
Thank you!
I'm glad I got Rockafeller right; I actually know nothing about him. While I can't say Gerald Ford's presidency was before my time, I was in diapers for much of it, so it didn't really make that much of an impression on me.

This was wonderful. :pinkiehappy:

I have decided to go through your one-shotober list, cause I wish to be reading much more of Admirals Biscuit wonderful penmanship.:pinkiehappy:

~Leonzilla

6857751
Yay!

Oh, and approach Mares with caution.

6857838 you mean The Mares of Diomedes?

Oh, yeah I can see the downvoting ratio as a warning sign.

Alright! I will do as you say and approach that story right now.

...with caution.:trollestia:

~Leonzilla

6857984
Should probably take that link down; I think you aren't allowed to link any mature stories (or is it only if there is a sex tag)?

Anyway, yeah, that's the one.

ups...
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Well I left that up for over 24 hours not only here but also at Dr. Horse. Granted probably not a single soul besides us saw it but oh well. :p

~Leonzilla

PresentPerfect
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