It's been 4 years lmao. But I'm back
This story was inspired by Kkat's Fallout: Equestria. This goes through the story of Crimson Starlight and Starbright Ruby, two ponies of Stable L18. Enjoy. Unfortunately, due to the release of Fallout 4, we have decided we are going to remake the story with Fallout 4 mechanics. We will repurpose the characters in this story, in the new story.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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Hello, welcome to the awesome world of Fallout Equestria and Fallout Equestria byproducts.
Shortly after you've read those lines, our welcome-specialist will give you the traditional FoE-herd-joining initiation. Just make sure you've got sturdy shoes and a good amount of bug-spray with you. Oops, probably said too much...
Anyway, to the things more interesting to you: your story.
I would recommend:
- removing the semi-colon from your title. Semi-cola are always awkward to look at. Make it either "Fallout Equestria: Crimson Sun" or "Fallout Equestria - Crimson Sun" or "Fallout: Equestria - Crimson Sun". Whatever you do, just make sure the semi-colon disappears from the name.
- Add a bit more description to your description. I have literally no idea what to expect and that shouldn't be the case.
- Sometimes you press more than one speaker into one paragraph. That shouldn't be. Always make several paragraphs for several speakers.
- sometimes you've got ()s in your narration to indicate comments. a) You shouldn't do those, do dashes instead. A dash is much more awesome b) I think comments like those don't really fit your 3rd person narration, since you as a 3rd person narrator stay outside of the action and that means you've got no personality (in this story), making comments basically impossible.
And now for the actual story:
I'm pretty sure I've got more than 30 books on my shelf alone. For a stable dedicated to books, it should be some more. After all, if everything goes wrong ponies were supposed to live their lives in the Stable and with only 30 books for about 300 - 500 ponies, things would become pretty boring pretty quickly.
I would recommend highlighting the perks' names in your level-up part; like this:
All in all, this story isn't badly written, but the major problem I see is, that everything is happening too fast. Just slow down a bit and elaborate, then everything will turn out alright.
Got my follow. Moves a bit fast but overall good grammer and trust me its rare so keep ot up
5084516 Hi, I just made an account, and i'm the co-writer of this story.
I just want to say that I WILL fix these problems, like the "30 books" was supposed to be "30 Stables that hold books". I will bold the Perks now, and it will get more descriptive. This kinda is my first time writing a fanfic, but I would like some criticism. Thank You!
P.S. Some dash is a good idea...
"stable L18"
I highly unlike this damage to fallout and FoE lore the vaults and stables never had letter designations for any of them
Hey Guys! I see that the majority of the comments (i know there is only 4) are about fixing the things in the story. As JacobDracon said, we will get to fixing them but we both go to something called...I don't know if you have EVER heard of it..."School". Meaning..WE WILL GET TO IT WHEN WE GET TO IT. Bai
We are starting on chapter 2 peoples!
5086666 I wanted to make a new vault, but special, except "Library Stable 18" didn't work that much...
5088470
I stand by my original statement the nether the vaults or stables have letter designation
Hello. It's Woonas here. Sorry we haven't updated this story in a while, but i haven't been able to contact my co-author. I will again update when he responds. The good news is that I am VERY close to regaining contact with him.
Hello. It's Woonas. My co-author and I have gotten back and are brainstorming right now. We have decided that we are going to reimagine the first chapter. It's too early to determine what we will change in the chapter, but we will know soon. For now, I sign out.
Unfortunately, we lost most of chapter 2 and our characters stats. So, we have decided to rewrite the first chapter. So we have scrapped the first chapter.