• Member Since 11th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 31st, 2018

MasterZadok


A self-taught writer, I have written a couple short stories for college and would love your critiques and feedback to help in my goal of going from writer to author.

T

I almost called it "A Brony's Tail" for the novelty, but I couldn't because that would imply that I got a mane and hooves in this story.
I'm a brony, yes, plucked out of my life and plopped in Equestria for reasons I don't know and by methods I don't understand. Yet, I should count my blessings. After all, who else could enjoy front row seats to the events of MLP: FIM unfolding in real life. Starting, much to my amusement, with the return of Nightmare Moon herself!
However, not everything is rated TV-Y, and what should I do when some of the characters begin deviating from their scripts?

Edit: July 2nd 2015. F-featured!? Thank you so much!

Chapters (20)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 240 )

I WANT MOAR!!!!!! :flutterrage:

P.s. Keep it up:twilightsmile:

5079499 You should see the Chrysalis and Tirek arcs. Ah, I cried! Honestly, though, it will be eight Weeks until i'm allowed to even touch a computer again. I love writing, though, and i'm glad you enjoyed the chapter!

I was in the Army. May you skies be clear and we'll see you then.

Yayyyy a self(sort off)insert that isn't a shit fic.
:pinkiehappy:
Keep it up when you get back amigo.
AM out

Good to see you're back, I cant wait to see what happens next.

That was fun. Me want more please

I have to admit, your way of doing things as a BiE is pretty fresh and fun to read, and I've read a fair amount of 'em.

Regarding your dilemma, what if I throw the question right back at you, but with a bit of a twist? What episodes do you want to see using another perspective? For example, Green isn't your color but with the main character and narrative following Pinkie Pie instead of the Fabulous Duo. If you manage to narrow down your choices based on that prompt, you may have your next chapter already forming in your thoughts.

Besides, for season 1, none one the episodes are THAT vital. Heck, make your own conflict and pick a couple of main characters + the human to tackle it.

With that said, I'm pretty excited what you can come up. Looking forward to your next chapter!

Love this story keep up the good work

My suggestion is that you should focus on episodes that focus on all of the main six and don't take place outside of town, aside from "The Best Night Ever". So, no "Dragonshy", no "Sonic Rainboom" and probably nothing with the crusaders, unless you want to. Anything that affects the whole town, such as winter wrap up, should probably be included. I can't wait to read more!

6159875 Or "Look Before You Sleep", but instead taking the opportunity to join Spike during his time in Canterlot? :trixieshiftright:

Thank you for your input. I miss having friends to talk about my stories with. (They're just not bronies.)

This is a truley exellent fic, great story and a really interesting Original character, so keep up the great work!

Whatever you do, keep up the good work! :ajsmug:

When it comes to chapter length, it's all based on the individual's taste. A good amount of users here are used (or at least going to be used to) to long chapter lengths, so don't worry about that. Of course, it's another story when you're toting 30k long chapters, then it becomes a pacing problem.

Oh by the way, you've got a lil' more spelling errors on this chapter than usual. You might want to take another pass at it when you're able to.

I'm surprised mark hasn't thought of the 'I've been having dreams' excuse, or even 'visions' and that he can't exactly predict when they will occur, only that they are accurate to a point.

It covers all his bases and allows him to help with future episodes. Though it could lead to conflict , delicious, entertaining conflict, if the mane 6 question why he didn't stop some event or something that he didnt have a vision about, or why he didn't do more etc.

6215743 Oh, I see. It took me a second to get what you're saying, but I think I understand. I guess the reason why Mark is trying not to pose as some kind of "prophet" is because he's got Twilight's mentality; he doesn't want to be different, he just wants to be accepted. And, like you said, claiming to catch glimpses of the future would exacerbate his relation with his new friends. (At least, in his own mind.)

Of course, that scenario's tension is waaayyy too good to pass up, so I already had a similar situation in the works. If I play it right, it should come around like a beautifully-orchestrated train wreck.
*giggles and rubs hands together*

6215840
You are such an awful person. It would be so horrible if something bad were to happen to Mark. Especially if the delicious conflict he created were to become entertaining somehow...

6215840 I hope nothing too bad will happen to Mark

I do belive a certain flower mare will REALLY appriciate the resident human a whole lot more from now on.

There's rarely a need for me to dig out the translator to figure out the meaning of an English word nowadays, but you, sir, just managed that. Not sure if you yourself can hold it as an achievement but it sure is one for me.

I'm surprised he didn't ask to meet princess Luna.

Or just ask if they served meat for visiting delegates. Seriously, I wouldn't be able to hold myself back.

GAH! This fic Always keeps me on my toes! What will happen next? How will Mark react to certain events in certain episodes? I can't wait for more chapters!

Whelp, I'm impressed. You really impressed me. This was really well done. Showing Celestia like that, that was great. You showed that she is manipulative, but without villainizing her, you explained several things about certain episodes, and still managed to show her fun side. I take my hat off to you for this portrayal of Celestia.

6315499 I especially liked how Celestia was vulnerable in this chapter making her character that much more deep. :twilightsmile:

The mug is my censor

Pretty sure you mean "censer".

Author's Note: *blah blah*
Let me know what you think.
-MasterZadok "Mark"

This is just my personal approach so take it with a healthy dose of salt and caution.
When it comes to picking what episodes to use, I would suggest you start by picking your favorites, then from there pick the ones that provide the most oppertunity for entertaining situations, or oppertunity for character growth and that sort of thing. Alternately you could mix and match. theres no rule that states you have to stick to the show chronolog. its YOUR story after all :twilightsmile:

i wouldnt call this a filler chapter really. it contains a lot of insight into the characters and their thought processes. such a thing is always good. though not the easiest to write. I hope you will write more soon :raritywink: one thing im curious to see is how everypony will react when they finally find out he's an omnivore. Most fics ive read either have all the ponies respond either very mellow or with disgust. personally i always thought their response should be a lot more varied and mixed, considdering all their different personalities and whatnot. anyway keep up the good work :twilightsmile:

lessons learned the hard way.

’Cutie Mark’

YOU MAD GENIUS. :moustache:

"Rarity’s voice came from the direction of the front door, but when I looked over, all I saw was Fluttershy and cousin It."
HAH!! It's true! I can't belive i didn't Think about that, Rarity SO totally is Cousin It from the Addams family!! Brilliant!!

6377728 Oh, man! I'm so glad someone got that reference otherwise I'd just feel old. Come to think of it, is "cousin" capitalized?...

6377814 You are as old as you feel, but let's be honest, i doubt that less than 20% of everybody that's 15 years old now knows what The addams family is, *Sigh* How time flies. :fluttercry:

I have no clue, i didn't even Think of it to be honest. I myself have a hard time figuring out what Words that needs to be capitalized.

Not gonna lie, this probably would have gotten done a lot sooner if Destiny: The Taken King hadn't come out...
(Also, 100k words! Whoo! Landmark! That means the main story arc is, like, 1/3-1/2 complete!)

To be perfectly honest I've never been too hung up on the whole 'predator - prey' issue that seems to be popular in fanfics of HIE. But out of all of them, yours was executed quite brilliantly and fits well.

I didn’t thank him for the fish, of course, that would have been selfish and more than a little creepy.

"Oh, hey, it's nice I'm not going to die, but it would be kind of selfish to care about that, right?" :derpyderp1:

A truley exellent chapter, you wrote it really well and it had plenty of emotion in it, i loved it!

could've sworn pinkie ate a hotdog once

6463481 Hmm... I think Spike was trying to eat a 'carrot hot dog' once. Ohmygosh! CARROTWURST!
...
Yes? No? I'll show myself out...

I meant what I said about not trying to steal Luna for myself...

You can have 'er I guess, it's your story.

Awwww, Luna got a new friend!

Yeah, what Minalkra said. We'll take the others :twilightsmile:

Please put down your torches and pitchforks:fluttershysad:

NEVER!!!

Best pony has a new friend

This is one of the best stories I've read that had a human tag along with the main story line.

6539188 Well, thank you for saying so. I know it's a niche genre in a niche fandom, but I just wanted to see what would turn out if I took the premise of HIE seriously. My greatest dream is to have 'Equestria's Mark' the go-to title for HIE in the same way 'Fallout Equestria' is the go-to title for crossover fiction, but I'll need an extra hand if that's ever going to happen.

I hadn't realized this story got updated. I had it favorited but not on tracking. Imagine my pleasant surprise to find several new chapters. Its always nice to see Zecora make an appearance. I wish she got more screentime in the actual show. Hmmm, Mark becoming a skilled alchemist, this sounds like an idea with merit. :pinkiesmile:

Gah! I'm quickly running out of things to read!

Anyways, keep this work up. Seriously one of the better HiE fics out there, and it's really under-appreciated.

That chapter is really good.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!