Equestria's Mark

by MasterZadok

Ch 14: Cider Is Thicker Than Water

Chapter 14
Cider Is Thicker Than Water

The sky was clear, the birds were singing, and the flowers in the meadow were swaying drowsily. Plump apples hung from the orchard trees like incense, perfuming the air and casting their intoxicating spell on anyone fortunate enough to wander beneath their boughs. Days like these exuded a sense of peace and bliss.

Days like these were a perfect opportunity to risk it all in a winner-takes-all showdown.

Poised to defend their home, their honor, and the orchard they had so tenderly raised, the Apples stood in the first corner, each one donning matching expressions of fierce resolve. In the opposing corner, the twin business ponies Flim and Flam were lounging in the shade of their great metal behemoth, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000.

According to Applejack, cider season had always been an important institution at Sweet Apple Acres. It was the one time of year they hauled their earth pony cider press out of storage and fed it the slowest-ripened apples from the tail end of the harvest season. Granny Smith swore up and down that there was something special about the crispiness of the fruit just before the trees went back into their slumber. However, what had started as the Equestrian version of the Wilder’s candied molasses tradition had spilled onto the public market and soon the little homesteaders were hard-pressed to satisfy Ponyville’s ravenous demand for the exclusive ambrosia.

Enter Flam and Flim.

For the third time in as many days, the two unicorns had rolled into town astride their gleaming mobile cider factory, vats brimming with mass-produced apple beverages and mouths brimming with promises. With their combination of unyielding charisma, hoof-tapping music, and genteel straw hats, the newcomers had threatened to snatch up Ponyville’s cider market before the Apples even knew what hit them. But the feisty farm ponies weren’t going to surrender their customers so easily. Unfortunately, the snarky salesponies had been only too willing to shift from being “partners” to “competitors” and now the day had arrived that would decide once and for all who would be selling cider to Ponyville and who would be packing their bags.

“Applejack? Are you sure this is such a good idea?” Nopony was questioning Twilight Sparkle’s faith in her friends, but when faced with a magic-powered Goliath of shiny steel and glistening glass like the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, one had to wonder if the Apples had finally bitten off more than they could chew.

Applejack leveled a sharp kick at the sandbag she and Apple Bloom had hung, oiling the iron cables that were her muscles. Hooves McGilligan and Bucks McGee were in fine form, but I knew they wouldn’t be enough to “John Henry” the day to victory.

“Me an’ the family are… gyuh! A hundred percent confident… huh! In our cider making capabilities.” Applejack assured, periodically striking her bag for emphasis.

“And besides,” Apple Bloom wore a scowl almost too big to fit on her face, “nopony calls Granny a chicken.”

“She’s right.” I nodded sagely from beside Twilight Sparkle. “Every gray hair in Granny’s mane is a souvenir of something that would make those city snobs over there wet themselves.”

“We’re gonna prove to those boys that you can’t jerry rig quality.” With one final kick that threatened to blow the stuffing out of her target, the orange earth pony finally let her muscles relax. I tried to encourage her,

“Don’t worry, Applejack, I know Sweet Apple Acres is in safe hands.” I may or may not have meant for that to be literal. (Double meaning!) “And we’ll be watching out for you too.” (Double, double meanings!)

“Attention everypony!” The magnified voice of Ponyville’s mayor echoed through the orchard, subduing the crowd of chittering spectators. Twilight Sparkle cast one last reassuring glance at her friend before retreating.

“Well, good luck.” She offered.

“Thanks, Twilight.” Applejack’s eyes flicked back to the rest of her family. “We’ll need it.”

“Just do your best.” I gave the country girl a half-smile. “Just remember, we make our own luck.” (Triple double meaning! That’s like, eight meanings in one conversation!) As Twilight and I returned to the ranks of watchers, the voice of the mayor continued laying down the rules for the match,

“… The teams have one hour to produce as much cider as they can. After which, the barrels will be counted and the winner will be named the sole cider provider for all Ponyville!”

A ripple of gasps and murmurs ran through the crowd. I, on my part, merely narrowed my eyes and suppressed a grim smile. There was a time and a place for cheap mass-produced products, (indeed, most of America had already succumbed) but not at the cost of my friend’s orchard, and not to a pair of shysters like the unicorn brothers, and not if I had anything to say about it. Already, the fact that the twins had challenged the Apples to a battle of quantity instead of quality was a half-victory in my mind. They may win the battle, but it if I could force them into showing how little they really cared about their customers, they would invariably lose the war.

“Are both teams ready?” Mayor Mare and Spike stood off to one side where Dr. Hooves had set up a ceremonial hourglass. (Yes, that’s his name and yes, when I found out, my mouth fell open like a yawning anaconda. It took a couple new screws and some duct tape to get it closed again.)

“Ready!” Applejack affirmed.

“Ready.” Flim and Flam yawned.

“Then let’s… go!” The glass timepiece was flipped and before the first grains of sand had fallen, the Apple family was at their stations.

Applejack shot for the nearest tree, spun on her foreleg and struck its trunk with enough force to send a shockwave through my feet. Ripe apples began to fall like rain only to be tenderly caught by Apple Bloom’s reed basket. Granny Smith, with a glance of her wrinkled eyes and a sharp sniff of her honed muzzle, plucked only the finest fruits out of the harvest and sent them tumbling into the whirring grindstone that Big McIntosh was spinning up to terrifying speeds. It wasn’t long before the Apple family’s wood-and-stone press was bleeding freshly squeezed cider into the hungry mouth of an empty barrel.

Without ceremony, without getting up from their couch, without even uncrossing their legs, the unicorn brothers finally started up their machine as nonchalantly as a hare racing a tortoise. Their long ivory horns sparked with vibrant green energy and the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 shuddered to life. Belts began turning, the juicing chamber began whirring, and oversized Nixie tubes (technically, “magi ray tubes”) sparked with neon lightning. A large bronze funnel rose from the front of their contraption like a flying saucer and began hovering over the south fields, but instead of cows, its vacuum spell was only interested in abducting apples. It wasn’t long before glistening fruits were rolling down its rubber throat into its steel belly.

“Great job, y’all!” I heard Applejack calling. “We’ve already filled an entire barrel!”

“I’ll bet you those guys don’t even have-” Apple Bloom’s words died on her tongue. As if to taunt her, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 plopped out three kegs of cider. When they saw the dumbfounded look on the filly’s face, Flim and Flam simply sneered from beneath their straw hats and waved.

For over half an hour, the Apples fought a losing battle. They pushed cider through their press and sweat from their brows, but nothing they ever did could narrow the gap between their production and that of their mechanized opponent. Indeed, from where I stood, it looked as if the unicorn brothers were taunting the earth ponies, letting them catch up ever so slightly and then turning up the power on their machine whenever the family got a second wind. It wasn’t just business to them. It was complete and utter conquest.

I stood a row back in the crowd, letting the shorter ponies catch a clear view of the action, but I was fidgety and rocked from foot-to-foot. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight Sparkle were showing similar symptoms. The promise of endless cider had been tantalizing at first, but now that they were faced with the very real possibility that the Apple family could lose their business entirely, the girls had taken on a very sobered, even anxious, air.

“This is just dreadful.” Rarity finally spoke up. “Even at top speed, the Apples are only making one barrel to the twin’s three!”

Aaannnd, cue my earworm:

“If only we could help them like we did that one applebucking season…” I lamented. Lamented and waited. Twilight Sparkle turned an ear to catch my words and I could practically see the gears in her head begin to turn.

“Come on, gang.” She broke the line of spectators and stepped forward. Wordlessly, the rest of the mane cast and I followed.

“Um, miss Mayor?” The judge pulled her gaze from the hourglass at Twilight’s approach. “Are honorary family members allowed to help in the competition?”

“Well, I’m not sure…” The old earth pony frowned through her half-moon spectacles. “Flim? Flam? Would you object to ‘honorary’ family members helping?” Fortunately for us, the twins were more drunk on confidence than Bacchus at a wine factory.

“Are you kidding?” Flim laughed over a flagon of cider.

“We don’t care if the whole kingdom of Canterlot helps.” Flam’s moustache twitched as he smiled. “It’s a lost cause.”

“Hm, I guess it’s okay.” The mayor blinked. “Applejack? What do you think?”

The orange country girl gave a tree a sharp kick before pausing and wiping a tiara of sweat from her forehead. Her smile was weak, but her eyes were full of gratitude.

“I think I’d love to have the rest of my family helpin’ out.”

“All right!” The girls cheered. As did I. We were 75% on our way to victory.

Flam and Flim exchanged smirks, but I could still sense them turning up the power on their machine ever so slightly.

“Okay, everypony, we’re not gonna let those smooth talkers take our friend’s farm.” Twilight turned to face her honorary family.

“Nope!” I agreed.

“Yeah!” The girls hollered.

“… I mean, yeah.”

“Fluttershy, help Applejack with the trees.” The purple unicorn’s lavender eyes marched down our ranks.

“Got it.” Fluttershy nodded.

“Pinkie Pie, you’re on apple catching detail.”

“Yes, sir! Ma’am, sir!”

“Rarity, you’ve got a discerning eye. Help Granny Smith at the quality control station.”

“Of course.”

“Rainbow Dash, do you think you can help Big McIntosh press?”

“In my sleep!” The pegasus snorted defiantly.

“Mark, you told me you can tell the quality of fruit just by squeezing it?”

“Much to the chagrin of grocery stores, yes.”

“Good. I need you to help Rarity and Granny Smith.”

“Will do.” I gave a sharp nod. “We’ll get you some good samples for your magic to scan, Twilight. Until then, you should look over the Cider Maker-inator to make sure it can keep up with us.”

“The what?” Twilight Sparkle clarified.

“You know, the Dr. Doofenshmirtz one. As opposed to the SSCS6K over there, which was obviously designed by Dr. Seus.” I jabbed a thumb at the pulsating factory on wheels.

“Uh, hel-lo?” Rainbow Dash pawed the ground. “We’re running out of time here!”

“Good call, Dashie.” I reeled in my wayward attention. “Oh, and that reminds me, I need you to take this to Big Mac.” I reached into my pocket and withdrew a shiny potion bottle full of what looked like green whiskey. I hastily tossed it to my rainbow-haired friend as I explained, “It’s called ‘second wind’. And no, that’s not a reference to Borderlands, it’s actually called that. It eliminates fatigue like Mr. Clean eliminates stains. You two have to keep the mill running, but I've only got the one potion.

“Not even a problem. I’m not gonna need it!” The cyan pegasus rolled her shoulders in anticipation for a good workout.

“Alright, everypony! Let’s save Sweet Apple Acres!” Twilight rallied. With one accord, our team broke off into its individual duties.

I dropped to my knees next to Granny Smith like a hockey goalie and plunged my hand into the nearest basket. Pretty soon, the air was full of,

“Good ‘un, bad ‘un, bad ‘un, good ‘un…”

“Lovely, horrid, horrid, lovely…”

“Sweet, tasty, delicious, bruised, ohmygodaworm! Nice, juicy…”

Beside me, a small pile of Granny Smith-approved apples was steadily growing larger while behind me, Rainbow Dash and Big Mac pushed the Cider Maker-inator to new levels of voracity. Twilight Sparkle lined up a row of empty barrels beneath our machine’s nozzle and gazed critically at the creaking, chugging mechanics within.

Despite it’s simple design, the old contraption was quite a marvel of earth pony ingenuity. The large stone wheel functioned not only as a mill, but also a dynamo, while the machine’s hull doubled as a centrifuge and primitive gas compressor. The exact brewing mechanism was still a mystery to me, but I knew from my time with the Apples that cider season was about more than fresh cups of Minute Maid. Granny had hinted once or twice about a specially concentrated mash that went into the recipe. If Equestrian ciders were actually a species of spiked apple juice, however, I wasn’t able to detect it.

Whatever the case, all that mattered was that the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 continued to outpace us. That is, right up until I said,

“Alright, Twi. We’re ready for you.”

“Got it!” Twilight Sparkle trotted over to the quality control station where perhaps a dozen blue-ribbon apples had been set out for her. Without a moment of hesitation, she lowered her horn at their taught skins and pushed a wave of energy into them. As soon as she caught a whiff of their aura, the magic student turned her attention to the orchard itself and pulled the stopper out of her magic faucet. A wave of lavender light flowed over the hills like an autumn wind. First one, then three, and then five hundred apples began rising up into the air like tiny balloons, caught up in her tailored telekinesis.

As Twilight levitated her catch over to the Cider Maker-inator, Granny Smith still insisted on hoof-inspecting each one. I didn’ blame her, the only advantage the Apple family had over the unicorn brothers was the decades of experience the old green mare brought to the fight. Even still, our cider production skyrocketed exponentially as every apple that passed under Granny’s nose was immediately christened “good ‘un”. Golden ambrosia flowed from the Apple’s machine like water from a fire hydrant.

“Alright! Rarity, start capping and stacking the barrels. Twilight, I’ve got a few more good ones for you.” I offered my friend a couple more picture-perfect apples and watched with quiet satisfaction as almost a hundred more near-identical pieces lifted up off the trees. Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared at my elbow, dropped a fresh basket next to me, and the process started all over again.

“Based on these figures, we’re making five barrels for every three of theirs!” Twilight’s eyes flickered between maintaining her spell and watching Rarity hustle to keep up with production. At this, the spectators cheered and a new flame appeared in Applejack’s eyes.

“Keep it up, everypony! We’re back in this!” She pumped a hoof in the air.

Somewhere behind me, the sound of a very productive spit-take reached my ears.

“Come on, brother, we’ve gotta pick up the pace!” Flim sputtered to his suddenly-sodden sibling.

“Right! Uh, double the power!” There was a brief twinkling noise as both the unicorn’s horns lit up with bright light and then the orchard was buried by the rush of a tempest. The belly of the great iron beast roared like a train and its vacuum spell inhaled like Kirby at a buffet. The great bronze nozzle continued hovering over the south field but it wasn’t long before its rapacious maw was picking up more than apples. Leaves, small twigs, even entire branches were ripped out of the hapless orchard. It was the very image of a tornado and caused as much damage as one too, both to the trees and the precious fruit.

“We’ve gotta try something else!” Flim panicked, as he watched their entire harvest degenerate to splinters and applesauce. After a moment’s hesitation, the two unicorns shared a subtle nod.

“I’ve got it, brother of mine.” Flam clicked a large switch and the magi ray tubes atop their machine fell dark. Immediately, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 began kicking out barrels of “cider” as fast as it could go.

“Well done, Flam!” Flim let his voice carry over to the crowd. “We’re at top productivity!” At the sight of all those barrels of cider, more than one face in the crowd broke into a broad grin. My lips curled upwards too, but not for the same reason.

“Checkmate…” I whispered under my breath. As far as I was concerned, we had finally reached 100% victory.

“Rainbow Dash! This is no time to stop!” My moment of self-satisfaction was interrupted by Rarity’s cry. I glanced over to see half of our grinding crew hovering testily over the white unicorn.

“We don’t have time for quality control if we wanna win this thing!” Rainbow Dash snapped. Before anyone could stop her, the pegasus shot over to where Granny and I sat and seized a basket of apples. The old earth pony was momentarily taken aback, but she quickly leapt between Rainbow Dash and the Cider Maker-inator’s intake trough.

“Aah! Get back, you!” She threatened, “One bad apple spoils the bunch!” Despite how the cyan pony darted from side-to-side like an angry mosquito, the ancient Apple wouldn’t let her pass.

“Applejack, help me!” The pegasus gestured helplessly at the wrinkly green sentinel.

“There’s no point in winnin’ if we cheat!” Applejack said definitively. She was breathing heavily, but her principles were as strong as ever.

“We’ll just have to work harder.” Twilight agreed. Dash, however, didn’t look convinced.

“Hey, Rainbow, calm down for a second.” I reached up and dragged my friend down until I could whisper in her ear. “We have to play it by the Apple’s rules, it’s the only way we’re going to win.”

“But they’re making more cider than us!” I winced as her voice blasted out my ear.

“I know that.” I consoled. “But no matter what we do, no matter how hard or fast we work, there’s always going to be a machine that will work harder and faster than us.”

“What!?”

“Hear me out.” My voice lowered conspiratorially. “The only advantage our cider has over the twins’ is the dedication the Apples put into making it. Flim and Flam, on the other hand, don’t care at all about their customers, only the bottom bit. If we make more cider than them, then next year they’re just going to roll up in a Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 7000, but this is our one chance to stop them for good. If we can show Ponyville just how little those sales ponies care about their product, they’ll be run out of town on a rail, never to threaten Sweet Apple Acres again… Until they start selling snake oil, but that’s beside the point.”

“I don’t get it.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “They’re still winning the race.”

“Right. The competition is who can make the most cider in an hour.” I smirked, “But what they’re churning out right now isn’t cider. It’s mud. And you and Big Mac are to thank for that. You two scared the twins into making a fatal mistake, but we need you to keep it up. Can you do that?” My friend still looked uncertain. I winked at her and explained, “Just let them hang themselves. Your job is to provide the rope.” With one last glance at the hourglass, Rainbow figured she didn’t have any more time left to argue. With newfound determination, she hollered,

“All right, then. Double time!” And lunged back towards the grinding station.

The minutes poured through the glass slowly. All around me was like a thunderstorm, with the throbbing of the stone wheel, the grumbling of machines, and the distant sound of trees being uprooted. My fingers began to ache and my arms felt like putty, but my hands continued to fly like sparrows over the mountains of apples around me. Twilight Sparkle grunted from exertion, Applejack’s bangs were flat over her forehead and Rainbow Dash’s face was drawn into a steely mask of concentration. Finally, just as I feared somepony was going to hurt themselves, the call went out,

“Time’s up!”

As one, we glanced over to where the mayor was standing beside the empty hour glass, and then let ourselves collapse onto the grass with a sigh. Somewhere in the distance, the crowd was cheering, but their voices were muffled and indistinct. I lay sprawled on my back with the other ponies, staring at the crystal blue sky. A dry chuckle escaped me as I inspected my quivering fingers. We had won.

“I’m proud of you, Applejack.” Twilight Sparkle panted.

“Thanks.” The country girl smiled weakly.

“Integrity like that will always be… rewarded.” A safe choice of words, since the very next moment brought the (brief) soul-crushing announcement,

“Flim and Flam win!” The mayor declared. Her words were met with a mixture of gasps and exclamations of surprise from the crowd. I draped an arm over my eyes to avoid the girl’s expressions. Things had to get just a little worse before they could get better and I couldn’t bear to see Apple Bloom cry.

“Wh… Wh-” The filly stammered.

“We… lost?” Applejack breathed. I knew that the Apple’s defeat was only temporary, but it still would have been nicer if Flim and Flam weren’t the gloating type who liked to rub salt in their opponent’s wounds.

“Dawww, too bad, Apples.” A smiling pony in a straw hat strode across the grass with his mustachioed brother beside him.

“Guess you’ll just have to find a new line of work that doesn’t match your names quite so… perfectly.”

“Now, should we tear down all these tacky old buildings and put up new ones, brother?” Flim’s voice was the ear equivalent of taking pepper spray in the eyes.

“I don’t see why not, brother. After all, this isn’t ‘Sweet Apple Acres’ anymore.” Flam didn’t miss a beat. “How about ‘Flim Flam Fields’?” Once again, victory wasn’t enough for the twin unicorns. Flam’s horn blazed like a copper flame and a large, premade banner suddenly manifested over the Apple Family’s humble cider stand. On it was a pair of unicorn silhouettes magically conjuring a frothing cup of cider.

The muscles in Applejack’s neck were tight with emotion and Apple Bloom’s eyes swelled with tears, but it was actually Rainbow Dash who burned with the most passion.

“I oughta press you into jerk cider!” She cried. The pegasus leapt into the air, flared her wings and charged at the two antagonists, but Applejack was quick to intervene. Dash stared behind her in surprise as her tail was caught firmly in the earth pony’s mouth.

“No, Rainbow Dash. A deal’s a deal.” Applejack explained. Even in the face of such devious opponents, the orange earth pony wore her honor high and clean. At least the twins couldn’t take that from her. Though, it only stood to contrast between the two party’s character when the business brothers continued their sniggering. (Though technically an evil laugh, I’d only call it a 1. Maaayyybe a 2 if I took into account how they were twisting it into the Apple’s hearts like a knife. Sheesh, at first I thought Flim and Flam were just mildly amusing antagonists, but upon further inspection, I realize that they’re really quite nasty pricks.)

“Congratulations to y’all.” Applejack’s voice cracked. “The cider business in Ponyville… is yours.” Then, turning to her family she muttered, “C’mon, Apples. Let’s go pack up our things.”

The four earth ponies began a walk of shame past the spectators, some of which had tears in their eyes, others merely expressions of disbelief. Like a rotten tomato aimed at Applejack, Flim tossed one last comment to the onlookers,

“Fear not, everypony, there’s more than enough cider to go around.” More nasally laughing. Yet, even in defeat, the noble country girl didn’t want her friends to feel bad for her sake.

“Go ahead, everypony.” She offered. “Go on, y’all. It’s okay...” Remarkably, that didn’t help and more than one tear fell while watching the Apples leave. On Pinkie Pie’s part, it was more like twin waterfalls, the likes of which I hadn’t seen since Team Rocket.

I only stood back and scrutinized the scene with a pronounced disconnect. In a way, I figured it was healthy to let Ponyville feel guilty about the Apple’s defeat. After all, it was their appetite for cheap cider that had brought the tragedy down upon them, so it was only fair that they felt the weight of their choice, even if for a moment.

And it really did last only a moment. Just as the remorse in the crowd had brewed into a healthy dissatisfaction, Flim and Flam broke open a couple of their kegs and tried to serve their winning “cider”. The results were priceless.

“Drink up, Ponyville! Down the hatch!” Flam pressed. Cider was a swigging drink, not a sipping one, but as soon as the ponies tried to down their first flagons, their bodies automatically (and violently) rejected the drought.

“Ugh!”

“Aww!”

“Eww!”

“Augh, I can’t get the taste off my tongue!” Poor Cherry Berry gagged like a cat ejecting a hairball.

“Mine’s got rocks in it!” Bon Bon’s voice had been twisted into an odd wailing noise.

“I wouldn’t pay even one cent for this dreck!” Murmurs of discontent rose from the crowd like a swarm of bees.

“You wouldn’t pay even one cent?” Flam clarified.

“No!” Was the resounding answer. The twins quickly held a whispered conversation between each other.

“How about two cups for one cent?” Flam tried to pacify.

“No!” He was stonewalled. More hurried whispers.

“Two bits for a barrel?” The business ponies’ voices had a hint of pleading tone in them.

“No!” The crowd snapped.

“Here’s the bus, boys.” I whispered with more than a touch of glee. “You’re going under it.”

“It looks like we’ve encountered a slight… problem here in Ponyville.” Flam doffed his straw hat, smiling nervously.

“Nopony wants our product.” Flim agreed. Their solution? Cut and run. “Next town?”

“Next town. Let’s go, Flim.”

“Let’s go, Flam!”

And, faster than a jackrabbit with a dog on its heels, the twins hopped atop their mighty contraption and chugged off down the road. Nothing was left of them but some tire tracks, a broken fence, a mountain of swill and a bad taste in the mouth. (Both figuratively and literally.)

“… They’re gone…” Applejack’s voice was quiet, as if afraid her eyes were playing tricks on her. It warmed my heart to see that moment of awe, the moment the glow returned to her freckled face. Twilight Sparkle quickly stepped up beside her friend to assure her that she wasn’t dreaming.

“That means Sweet Apple Acres is still in business!” The twin’s fall had been so complete and so fast that the mayor hadn’t even been given a chance to sign the land title over to them.

“Plus, we can have high quality Apple family cider!” Smiles blossomed in the crowd like a field of daisies.

“Because of this silly competition, we’ve made enough of our cider for the whole town!” Apple Bloom popped up behind the sales stall with a fresh keg of cider fitted into the dispenser. At the sight of the little filly back where she belonged, the crowd gave a hearty cheer, a combination of apology and relief all in one.

“Even enough for Rainbow Dash!” I smiled broadly at my blue feathered friend. “But wait, Apple Bloom, wasn’t this ‘silly competition’ your idea?” It didn’t matter. No pony was listening.

For over an hour after the end of the showdown, all of Ponyville fell into a celebration of drinking, laughing and singing. The Apple Cider flowed freely, warming everyone body and soul. Yes, even Rainbow Dash’s. (Especially Rainbow Dash’s.) Applejack eventually wrote her “Proverbs 22:29” letter to the princess and the crowd eventually broke up into little groups and drifted back to Ponyville. I lingered with the girls as long as I could, reveling in the afterglow of an episode well-done.

Finally, even they left, leaving me to wander the orchard alone with Applejack. We each carried one last flagon of drink as we surveyed the damage the SSCS6K had meted out on her south field. It would take a lot of work to repair, but despite that, I only felt merry and carefree.

“Na, na, naaa, nan a downhome southern saint! Na nan a nan a naa, nan a sayin’ things that ain’t. Sweet as apple cider an’ with spice enough to spare! Na naana na naa, a na naa...” I laughed unabashedly as I swung my drink in time with my favorite Applejack-themed Ponyphonic song. It had some serious editing-on-the-fly considering the company I was in, but I belted it out regardless.

“Enjoyin’ the cider, Mark?” Applejack giggled.

“Perhaps a little, *burp*, a little too much.” I pulled my wayward eyes together as I glanced down into my mug. “Funny, I haven’t felt this funny since… Wait, you’ve gotta be kitten me! There’s actually alcohol in this stuff?”

“Sure as sunrise. You saying you thought all of Ponyville would turn out for fancy apple juice?”

“Doesn’t taste like alcohol…” My voice echoed in the large wooden container. “Though it’d explain why it feels like my head’s in a fishbowl. I thought I was just a happy guy.”

“Well, y’all earned it after what you pulled off today.” My friend sighed. “I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

“Well I’m just proud of Rainbow Dash.” I waved a hand in the general direction of the pegasus’s house. “She was getting’ freakishly into the Flim and Flam hype and then, poof! Dropped it all to help out a friend. See, that-that’s loyalty right there.”

“She’s a strong ‘un, I’ll give her that.” The earth pony assented. “I’d tell her so myself, but I think it’d go straight to her head. It ain’t easy running with Big Mac. Especially after that potion you gave ‘im. Big feller started movin’ like he’d got ants up his britches.” She laughed at the imagery. “How long’ve you been carrying that around for, anyway?”

“Oh, yeah, the second wind potion…” I stifled a burp. “Funny thing about that, forgot to warn Big Mac, but he’s going to feel sleepy for about a day or so. Think of it like he’s been running on borrowed time and now he’s gotta pay it back.” Even with a head full of Flufflepuff, I was able to sidestep the question.

“Last I saw him, he was curling up under a tree.” Applejack glanced behind her.

“Well, I hope he’s comfortable, because he isn’t moving for a while. Aaannnd, I should also mention that when he does get going again, he’s gonna have a titanic appetite.”

“So, same as he always is?” My friend smiled. “Ok, I’ll be sure to warn him.”

“Um… and can you also tell him that there’s a tiny, random, pretty good chance, actually really probable, unavoidable side-effect where his pee may or may not turn algae green? That’s normal too.”

“He what? No way! I ain’t talking to my brother about what color showers he’s supposed to be raining!”

“But it’s kind of freaky the first time-”

“Then you tell ‘im! It’s your potion!”

“He’s your brother!”

“You’re a guy! You tell him! And why’d you whip up something that’d do that to a pony?”

“Well, it was the only endurance potion I could brew. Anything else requires distilled wind essence and that stuff’s expensive!”

“You keep mixing up potions like you’ve been doin’, and pretty soon you’ll either have more bits than Filthy Rich or a hot crater where the library used to be!” I winced at that. “Ah, well, guess I can’t complain. We were mighty fortunate you just happened to be carrying that-oop!” Applejack stumbled over a fallen branch, sloshing her cider onto the ground. I stepped forward to support her, but she had already recovered, cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Watch your step.” She apologized. Ruefully, she glanced down at the obstacle she had tripped over. A note of sorrow laced her voice as she muttered, “Those boys really did a number on this place, didn’t they?”

“Actually,” I broke into a proud grin, “potions for plants were some of the very first things Zecora taught me.” I gestured to a disemboweled tree trunk where a large branch had been ripped out like an arm from its socket. “With a little help from Twilight’s lab, and all that applesauce the SSCS6k left behind, I’m sure we’ll be able to brew up enough healing potions and super-fertilizers to close these wounds right up. Maybe even replace what was lost. Especially with scenarios like this one.” I pointed to a tree with no leaves. “Or even that one.” The next specimen was a tree stump bleeding orange sap. “It’s easier when you still have the parent tree as a template.” My feet paused on the edge of a large jagged hole where an apple tree had once stood. “Now that? That’s going to be a little trickier.”

“Don’t you worry none. We’ll get some new saplings goin’ soon as next season starts.” Applejack assured me. “But it’s amazin’, you being able to salvage what’s left of these.”

“I’m just sorry they got damaged at all.” I took a gulp of cider.

“Well, when considering that we coulda lost the whole farm today, I’d say it’s a small price t’ pay.”

“Heh! Yeah, I guess.”

“Don’t know what we would’ve done if y’all hadn’t stepped up.” Something about Applejack’s voice sounded distant, as if she was staring into an unpleasant alternate reality. I tried to reassure her,

“Well, you still had the superior product-”

“But we didn’t!” Applejack interrupted. “Those boys had a mighty fine contraption. It actually made decent cider ‘an it made enough for the whole town! By all rights, they should’ve won.”

“Nah, don’t say that. Once they cranked it up, they were doomed to fail.” I didn’t understand why Applejack was letting her opponents upset her after they had been soundly beaten. That is, not until she pressed,

“But you acted like you knew they were going to ruin their recipe.” At her words, I suddenly found myself unable to swallow my drink. “They never had that problem before, but you knew it was gonna come back to bite them.”

“I didn’t know, per se…” I guffawed. My mind frantically cast a line out for any convincing red herrings and reeled in the first thing it found, “I just made an educated guess. They had to cut corners somewhere.”

“So, let me get this straight. You offered to help so they’d be forced to turn up their machine so their quality would drop so Ponyville wouldn’t buy their pig’s slop and they’d be kicked out of town, is that about right?”

“Technically, it was Twilight’s idea to help.” I reminded. Even if I had pushed this world’s Twilight in the right direction, I had still gotten the original idea from the TV show’s Twilight. (It’s the Song of Storms paradox all over again!)

“I gotta admit, that’s a level of clever I can’t help but admire. I’m just glad it’s on our side.” Applejack beamed warmly and tilted her hat respectfully. My stomach melted at the sight of her and my knuckles turned white around my flagon.

By that point, I’d been working side-by-side with Applejack for almost a year, always doing my best to keep pace with her, always failing, and always feeling as if I was dragging her down or holding her back. More than once, I had reached the conclusion that she only employed me because she felt pity for me and even then, she had always done it in a way where she still made me feel appreciated. That moment in the south orchard was the first time she had ever looked at me with genuine respect. But I couldn’t accept it.

Insightful, clever, witty, whatever she thought I was that day was a farce. Everything impressive about me had been ripped directly from the show. Any praise she had for me wasn’t mine at all because I was cheating.

These thoughts pushed down on my shoulders until I slowly sat myself on the top of a grassy knoll. Applejack came up beside me and together we stared over the endless treetops to the sinking sun beyond. I searched for a subtle way I could deflect her admiration without betraying what I knew.

“We just got lucky.” Was all I could muster. Her freckled cheeks lifted in a smirk as she countered,

“An’ sometimes we make our own luck.”

At that moment, I seriously considered telling her the truth. We were in a perfectly controlled environment; we were alone, I was with the most level-headed pony in town, and we both had nothing but respect for each other. I wanted to explain everything, about Earth, about the show, about why I knew about events before they happened, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it. At that moment, more than ever, I was reminded of what such a revelation would cost me. “Friends” was almost too weak a word to describe what the girls were to me. Every day brought new lessons that helped me grow as a person and every day I had watched the girls grow up right beside me. That type of cooperative sculpting went beyond casual acquaintances, we were tighter than the Fellowship of the Ring, and nothing could ever change that.

Nothing, that is, except for doubt. It wasn’t a stretch of the imagination to picture my secret as a form of betrayal. My actions could be misinterpreted, my motives could be twisted, my fellowship could be skewed. If I revealed that I already knew who the girls were before I met them, then what’s to prove that my relationship with them had ever been genuine or if it was just another false supplement provided by the TV show? I could lose their trust, I could lose their acceptance.

I could lose my new home.

On the other hoof, prolonging the ruse was no better. It was just as much a fraud, just as much a lie and, worst of all, was selfishness in its purest form.

My muddled brain couldn’t handle the stress of these arguments orbiting each other. In its inebriation, it couldn’t even articulate them properly. Instead, all I could do was sigh and rest my chin on my knees. Unfortunately, the sound that escaped me was more like a moan.

“Something wrong?” Applejack looked at me anxiously.

“No, I’m good.”

“Now hold up, partner, that ain’t the truth and we both know it. If you’ve got a fire under you, I’m here to listen. After all, I owe you a heart-to-heart after what you pulled at Dodge Junction.”

“I didn’t ‘pull’ anything. I just woke up earlier than the others is all.” I retorted, swirling the last of my cider as I tried to arrange my thoughts. “I was just thinking… about what you said earlier… Do you really see me as an ‘honorary family member’?”

“Of course!” Applejack answered cautiously. “Is that all right by you?”

“Well, we’re not really related, you know.” I smiled down at her.

“That don’t matter.” She quickly asserted. “After all, family’s about more than the two who brought you into the world, it’s about the ones who get to share your story once you’re here. You an’ the others are what makes me who I am and I know I can count on you no matter how the cookie crumbles.”

“I like that definition of ‘family’.” A grin tugged at the corner of my mouth. “And it might help explain what’s tripping me up.”

“And what’s that, hon?”

“The fact that today I saw you as family too.” I turned to face Applejack. Her warm green eyes looked back, patient and reassuring. “For some reason, it meant a lot to me to hear you say so. When I first arrived in Equestria, I was perfectly happy just meeting you. And then becoming your friend was even better! But, and I feel terrible for saying this, I don’t think the magic of friendship is the cure-all-end-all I first thought it was. I feel guilty for wanting anything more, but I’ve been feeling oddly alone, even when we’re all together, and I don’t know why.”

“Aw, sugarcube, I know exactly why.” A strange look mingled in my friend’s eyes, a water painting between sympathy and regret. “You’re not home yet.”

My soggy brain flipped these words over like an omelet, but I couldn’t find the logic in them. If I were back “home”, as it were, then by all rights, she and I wouldn’t be having our conversation. Not to mention, it was an exchange about feeling closer to her, so,

“What does Earth have to do with this?” I murmured. To my surprise, the country girl broke out laughing, a hearty, half-singing holler.

“Sorry, pumpkin, but that wasn’t what I was getting’ at.” She quickly corrected, “Just like ‘family’ doesn’t always mean your kin, ‘home’ doesn’t always mean where you were reared.”

“Oh… You mean like ‘home is where you hang your heart’, then?”

“Nicely put.” Applejack looked thoughtfully at her cutiemark and sighed. “Home is the place you belong. I found that one out on the most important day of my life. Sure was lucky that my family was my ‘family’ and my home was my ‘home’, but I think you’re the same as I was. Only difference is you’re takin’ a mite longer to find where you belong.”

“But if I’m like you, then what did you find that I’m still missing?” I pressed. “What am I looking for?”

“Wish I had an easy answer for you,” She said helplessly, “Sounds to me like y’all want to start making a family of your own, a home of your own, a place to be a part of, but something’s telling you that you can’t. Not yet. That’s why the confusion.” As Applejack finished, a genuinely pained expression tightened her jaw.

She didn’t have to say anything more. We both knew that there were some things that had always separated me from the rest of the ponies of Equestria and always would. No matter how deep I buried the thoughts, no matter how much I tried to forget, the fact remained that this was a ‘human in Equestria’ story and I was the only one of my kind in the entire world. As long as I stayed in that land, I would never meet someone who could sympathize with me over a stubbed toe, I would never be able to hold hands with someone I cared for, and I would never find someone to start my own family with.

“I see…” A whisper slipped from my lips. Even amongst all my friends, I was not immune to this type of loneliness. Indeed, the closer I got to them, the more acutely I felt our differences. Still, it wasn’t fair to pull my friends into my personal melancholy. “Thank you, Applejack… For everything.”

All of a sudden, the country girl leaned into me and pressed her face into my shoulder. My surprise almost bowled me over as surely as the unexpected shift in weight. In confusion, I tried to catch her eye, but all I could see from my position was the top of her broad hat. Instead, I felt her, the warmth coming off her cheek, the strong heartbeat in her chest, the gentle rising of her sigh. It occurred to me just how long it had been since I last felt that kind of contact.

“You’re still looking.” I heard from beneath the hat. “You’re still wandering. You’re not home yet, and I can still remember what that was like. I’m sorry I can’t help you find what you need, but I want you to know, Mark, that no matter where that rocky road of life takes you, no matter how long it takes, you can always come home to Sweet Apple Acres.”

After that, it was all I could manage to control my breathing. It took a few seconds of slow, deep lungful’s of air before I was confident I could speak around the coconut that had manifested in my throat. When I had finally regained control of myself, I put my arm over Applejack’s shoulder and pulled her closer.

“Sure thing… It is, after all, where my ‘family’ is.”

* * *

I wouldn’t describe the creature that stumbled into Twilight’s library that night as something the cat dragged in. Instead, I’m sure I more closely resembled something dragged in by whatever it was the cat dragged in.

“Mark!?” Twilight Sparkle cried, astonished at my haggard appearance. The sun had long since set and the library was full of orange lamplight, but even in its warm glow, I was sure my face was sea green and my eyes were watery. My feet shuffled across the floor uneasily and I held my stomach tenderly, but for all that, my smile was as big and broad as a crescent moon.

“Heh… hey, Twilight…” I gurgled.

“What happened to you?” The purple unicorn rushed forward to support my wobbling frame.

“AJ and I were out in the orchard and we found a wild crabapple tree. They were ripe, too, like juicy little cranberries. Of course, what else was there to do but turn it into a crabapple-eating competition? There may or may not have been alcohol involved...”

“Oh dear.” She flinched as the hand that was holding my stomach suddenly leapt up to my mouth to stifle an unpleasant gag. “How many did you end up eating?”

“Bleventeen?” I said weakly.

“Oh dear.” My friend carried me over to my bed and lowered me onto it. “Try not to move, I’m going to get you some medicine for your stomach… And a bucket too.”

“Thanks.” My eyes stared at the ceiling as I rolled onto my back, still smiling. In the next room, her hooves could be heard trotting across the wooden floor. When she returned, she was levitating a vial, a cup and a bucket with her and shaking her head incredulously.

“Why would you compete in something like that. You know that can’t be healthy for you.”

“Yeah.” I hiccuped.

“I mean, she’s a pony, after all. Her stomach is built for things like that, not yours.”

“Yeah.”

“And she’s practically grown up eating apples.” Twilight Sparkle measured some syrupy medicine into the cup and floated it to me. All the while, she scolded, “What makes you think you ever stood a chance against her?”

“Because maybe, just for a minute, she felt… human…” The smile finally dropped from my face and a silence filled the room. Twilight watched me quietly as I gingerly sipped the tonic. Even at the tail-end of my cider intoxication, I could tell she had something on her mind by the way her eyes kept avoiding me.

“You like her, don’t you?” She finally asked the question. The awkward question. The dangerous question that had the power to divide an entire fandom into the “platonic” and “amorous” parties. Still, I held out,

“I don’t know if I like her or envy her.” The medicine rose up in my throat, but I forced it back down. “She’s the picture of contentment. At perfect peace with herself and the world around her. If only we were all so lucky.” A few more seconds of silence passed.

“Are you happy here?” Twilight nudged.

“Of course I am!” I coughed. “No use beating a dead hors- Sorry! Pardon the expression.”

“I mean, are you happy here?” She iterated. I took a deep breath.

“I’m not naïve, Twilight. It’s a normal part of growing up to leave behind the things you know and forge your new path through life. Make no mistake, I’ve been nothing but blessed by you guys. I’m still just coming to grips with the fact that there’s an incredibly high chance that I’ll live out my life as the only human this world has ever seen. A fulfilled life, make no mistake, but lonely in its own way.”

“Yeah…” Twilight’s ears folded back against her neck. “You never mention it, but the others and I knew you must be feeling something like that. They all want to help, but we decided not to bring it up until you were ready to talk about it.”

“I think technically the Apple family adopted me.” The chuckle that shook me immediately turned into a groan.

“As far as we’re concerned, we all adopted you.” The mare added. My head lolled over to flash her a playful grin.

“Aww, that’s sweet of y’all.” I blinked. “Oh my gosh, I actually used ‘y’all’, didn’t I?”

“I don’t know if they will help, but I’ve found a couple stories I think you’ll find interesting.” Twilight Sparkle ducked out of the room momentarily and returned with a half-dozen novels hovering around her head. “This one, ‘Feathermane’, is about a gryphon that was raised by ponies. And this one by Silver Lining is a classic about a balloonist stranded in a remote pegasus settlement. My recommendation, though, would have to be the ‘Walker’ series by Looking Glass, because of, well, I guess that’s a spoiler...”

“You sound like my mom at the beginning of summer break.” I shook my head.

“They’re all fictional, though. I couldn’t find a lot of historic text that paralleled your… situation.”

“No, that’s fine.” My eyes squeezed shut. “Sometimes fiction is more real than you think.” When I looked at Twilight, however, I saw her biting her bottom lip fiercely. There was a battle going on behind her eyes, but I couldn’t divine the two factions. Finally, one side began to dominate and she muttered,

“You know… I’ve also been thinking, looking through some tomes, and there are some shape-shifting spells that… I don’t know, could let you, I mean, let me let you, look like a pony… I guess.”

Long seconds ticked through the air as her words sank in. Slowly, I recalled just how boundless Equestrian magic was when cast by a skilled wielder. Trixie could reverse a pony’s body clock, Star Swirl could open doors to pocket dimensions, and even Twilight could half-turn a frog into an orange. A memory suddenly floated to the surface of my mind of the unicorn student turning all her friends into breezies. I could practically envision a photo of all my friends, but instead of me standing in the middle of them, it was my OC.

“No!” I sat bolt-upright in bed, ignoring my stomach’s protests. “No! I did not need that now! No, Twilight, bad. Not fair! That’s not fair!”

“Why not?” She gently tried to push me back down, or at least angle me towards the bucket. “Sure, it might take some getting used to, but at least you wouldn’t get ponies staring at you for being different, right?”

“Because it’s tempting! I'm tempted, but it won’t solve anything!” I insisted. “You should know better than that, Twilight Sparkle! I finally learned how to appreciate me for who I am and you’re inviting me to just flush that down the toilet? After all, aren't you the one always going on about our friends and how much better we are when we embrace what makes us special or different? Or was the whole episode with Trixie not enough for you? It turned out to be a good thing you were unique, right?”

“I guess…”

“Besides, didn’t we just save Sweet Apple Acres by combining our different talents? No, but become a pony just like everyone else, Mark, and you won’t have to worry about the occasional side-glance.” I swallowed a burp angrily. “And what about Spike? Have you offered him this opportunity?”

“This is different.” Twilight argued. “He’s grown up his whole life with ponies, and he’s still too young to think about future relationships.”

“You might be surprised.” I grunted.

“I just thought you might want to try it.” My friend huffed. I rubbed my eyes and turned down my volume.

“That’s very thoughtful of you. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Twilight, but unfortunately, it only makes more problems than it solves. Not the least of which is what if it does work? What if I start meeting ponies who I really connect with and then I have to turn around and let them know I’m not a pony? ‘Sorry, agent J, but Laura just happens to be an alien princess after all!’ ‘Sorry, Lan, but Iris just happens to be a netnavi after all!’ ‘Sorry, Eliwood, but Ninian just happens to be a dragon after all!’ I think I’ve gone through enough ‘deceit’ friendship lessons for you to know how I’d feel about that.”

“You mean, ‘oh, what a tangled web we weave’?” Twilight assented. “I guess you would know what that feels like.”

“Heh…” She didn’t know the half of it.

“But you don’t think you’d like to try being a unicorn for a day?”

“I’m good, thanks. We already determined that my problems with magic are due to my wavelength, and that’s not going to change by putting on a mask. No, and I’m rather fond of my thumbs too.”

“I understand.” Twilight Sparkle turned away from the bed. “And you’re right. That’s a very mature decision.”

“Well, don’t let me stop you from researching it…” I pulled myself onto one elbow. “I mean, just in case we ever do need it.” Never know when you need to turn into a feather-winged bug, after all.

“Got it. I’ll do that.” She called back, “You just focus on getting better. Stay away from crabapples for a few days.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” I urped. As she softly closed the door behind her, I let my head fall back against my pillow.

By that point, I was convinced that the show’s second season might as well have been called ‘Family is Magic’. Rarity and Sweetie Belle had gone through their sisterly bonding, Apple Bloom had decided not to disown Granny Smith, Pumpkin and Pound Cake had come into the world, and even Rainbow Dash had welcomed a new (actually, very old) tortoise into her home. Now, I had been unofficially adopted by my closest friends.

Still, it’s important to note that ‘family’ wasn’t a term I swung around lightly. No mere tier above ‘friendship’ was it, it entailed commitment, dedication, and sometimes conflict, and it was beyond the relationship event horizon. Once made, it could never be nullified. Even so, I wasn’t going to shy away from that responsibility and the upcoming episodes would have plenty of opportunities for me to look after me and my own. One particular occasion that leapt to mind was in the case of Twilight Sparkle’s own family.

Specifically, her future sister-in-law.

Author's Note:

Dear me! I'm going to have to pick up the pace if I want to reach some important plot twists before Season 6 is over!

Comments

[Titan Commander Sebaste]

Hooves McGilligan and Bucks McGee

Every time I see or hear AJ name her hooves that, I just lose it, but as always, great job on the chapter, and I look forward to the next one!

[HIEfan]

A really sweet chapter, good work.

[Conflicting views]

“With I had an easy answer for you,”

Maybe wish?

[Clayton the hunter]

This. This was good.

[-headshot123-]

and not if I had anything to say about it.

>"And I DO! I'm going to say the N word!"