story about Applejack and Thunderlane. A romance and Slice of Life Fanfic
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 26th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 20th, 2015
Redo_RetroBrony
The un-talented wrighter of the internet...
Redo_RetroBrony
Joined 26th Sep, 2014 ·
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Well, I love Thunderjack and I wish there were more stories about them on FimFiction. Props for writing about them
But you could really use an editor. You have problems with pacing, formatting and grammar. It's really hard to understand what's going on and it felt as if the chapter ended before it even started.
I don't have good grammar most of the time. It's my one down side. :'(
Nice job with this story. I can't wait to read what happens next in this story. I say Applejack needs bit of Jealously though to make things interesting. We need a conflict here.
5071903 I'm working on that part...
Nice chapter. I can't wait to read what happens next. I hope Thunderlane feels the same about AppleJack.
5211185 It might be that way, or it might be... that way?
That was a short, but sweet chapter. Thanks for writing it. Good luck with any future chapters.
5243373 I need a better way of making chapters longer.
5065821
Bad grammar isn't a permanent condition. One cures it by reading a lot and seeing how sentences are used to build stories. Syntax and composition are vitally important to writing, and if you want to write, you have to learn to properly push nouns and verbs together.
Your short description is significantly longer than your long description... and your long description tells me nothing about what the story is about. Did you perhaps get them mixed up?
Also, your short description is absolutely littered with errors:
Not bad of a start of a story some of the grammars is a little bit off but not bad so apparently Applejack was nearby at the everfree forest tell she heard a scream and it turns out it was her sister and her friends and they were attacked by a manticore Applejack distracted it while the girls were out of danger but this one was very aggressive and almost killed Applejack but luckily there was somebody was there a Pegasus name thunderlane saved her and took her home after that audio and she thanked him for that like I said not bad let's see how this will go
I was walking down the streets of Pinyville thinking about what just happened.
Ponyville
So it looks like Thunderland is having some thinking lately about Applejack and how she hugged him and everything and he felt like it was nothing but in his mind it was and apparently Applejack has been kind of acting weird about him lately and he tried to not think about it but he couldn't I think he's starting to have some feelings for Applejack
As Apllejack awoke from her nap, she went down stairs for dinner. She still had a cramp in hoof from running.
Applejack
Well that was something so Applejack went through a lot as well going through routines and everything but she still couldn't not stop thinking about thunder Lane and how he helped her and everything and she needed to clear her mind until he showed up and both of them kind of talked to each other which she never Minds it I wonder what else are they going to talk about
Okay first of all it is pretty sweet and cute but also kind of Fast Pace here and not enough build up or anything like that but for your first story not bad but if you ever got the chance to try to slow down on your pace on these kind of stories and hopefully it will be better but anyway so it looks like thunder Lane and Applejack confess each other how much they do like each other and tunnel Lane wanted to show her at the Sweet Apple Acres and he even confessed that he was in love with her so did Applejack as well and it looks like this was a start of a beautiful relationship again not bad pretty cute keep up the good work