• Member Since 3rd May, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 1st, 2016

ZephyrZero


E

Rainbow Dash is confused about her recent feelings towards Twilight.

WARNING: Contains ponies. You have been warned.


Big thanks to my friend Snohball for proof reading!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 16 )

Don't you hate it when you get down-votes without a comment.
I thought it was a very cute and fluffy story, even if it went a bit fast.:scootangel::eeyup::moustache:

I can honestly say this is the best new Twidash I've read in almost a month. That's... honestly sad, because this has a lot of problems.

The pacing isn't terrible, but could still use the occasional description, and Rainbow's feelings are just... not well done at all. They come out of seemingly no where and develop way too quickly. Then we have Twilight doing the whole "Will you be my marefriend" thing before the date has even actually happened. I mean all they did was walk to where the date was supposed to take place, call me crazy but that's not much. You tell way too much and don't show us anything, which makes the text very... bland and dry. The characters are.... okay, actually. Not terrific, and some of the dialogue is a bit stiff, but overall pretty good. This honestly impressed me, being your first story and all.

I'm going to assume this is your first story? Really not bad for a first run, it was cute and fluffy or maybe that's just because I haven't read a fanfic in a long time...anyway keep it up you can only get better right?

Very cute and is a rather nice one-shot.
If i have anything to say about it is that this story can very well continue, exploring the relationship as it blooms. But i'm not hear to tell you that i want more it is good enough as a one-shot just saying it COULD be a multi chapter story.
I see a cookie in you'r future, good work sir/madam
~Tobben

WARNING: Contains ponies.

This is a pony site. That warning is unnecessary. And not particularly humorous, either, if that's what you were intending.

5048867 As long as you practice often enough, that is.

The last thought in Rainbow's head before in shut down from joy was,
This is so awesome! Oh my gosh this is great! This is by far the best day ever!

and then rainbow sliped in to a coma never to wake again :twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush:

Thank you for the advice, I honestly appreciate the criticism. Yes this was my first story and while I don't intend to add more chapters I will definitely take this into consideration for my future stories and will hopefully improve.

It was very fun keep it up ♥

Dude, this is my second favorite story of all time. My first being "Sugar Wings and Other Nice Things" This was amazing:rainbowkiss: No words to describe except for I almost cried. You almost made a twenty-year old man cry. Congratulations. The reason why this is my 2nd favorite, is because "Sugar Wings and Other Nice Things" actually made me break down into tears. (Don't judge me). But a few errors here and there, like duplicated words and such, but otherwise, I am speechless.



-Fluffle

btw, my favorite part
This really does remind me of Fluttershy, not just because she said it, but It's so much like her actual character.

"No problem Rainbow. If I were you I'd go and talk to Twilight about those feelings of yours." Fluttershy replied with a wink and giggle, leaving a stunned Rainbow Dash as she returned home.

-Fluffle

5056489
Thank you so much. It really means a lot to me and i'm so happy you enjoyed it!

Cute. Fluffy, and adorable, with perhaps a hint of lemon. (The fruit, not the slang)

Good job. :twilightsmile:

But, as for advice, Try both beefing it up a bit, try using somewhat useless behavior/descriptions, (Such as describing the weather after a scene cut, or having the character do something mundane, like sigh/burp/laugh/anything relevant.) Also, double check both your punctuation/capitalization and your characterization. Your characters come off as somewhat clunky, both in their behavior, and their speech. Try watching an episode before writing large amounts, to fix that a bit. If you can hear or see the character doing that, after seeing a episode with them in it, it should be fine. Make sure you character's sentences end with a period. "this isn't good" isn't very good.

Always remember to double check spelling and word usage. Prefect is an actual word, so it won't show up in a spell check, but you should check if "Perfect" should be in it's space instead. If you have troubles, Hunt down a beta, or pre-reader.

And always remember to define and refine before posting! :rainbowwild:

I'm reading this for the second time, and I found this error:

Angling her wings, Rainbow speed off in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. As she flew over Ponyville she passed by Twilight's library.

The word "speed" should be sped in this case.

:D

Ok not bad for a beginner, but here is some advice:

You shouldn't start a story, with a description of the weather. This is almost as cliché as starting with "Once opon a time". It's not really a mistake, but should only be used, if you haven't any other idea how to start. That you describe the weather again, a little later, doesen't make it better, either.
Also, you are using the word "light" four times in the first paragraph.
This makes not the best first impression and the experienced reader will read the rest of the story more critical.

The story itself is....lets say its classic. A typical TwiDash plot. A little bumpy, rushed and not really a masterpiece. But its solid and if you keep practising you will surely become better.

I read a lot of TwiDash, so this may have come out more negative, than I intended.

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