• Member Since 11th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Tempestus


FAN FICTION- Photon Prime

Comments ( 72 )
Comment posted by Tempestus deleted Sep 24th, 2014

1) Language.
Simply awful. I am not a native speaker and I am not familiar with English literature, but I assure you that it is not how you write a story.
Seriously,

To make matters worse it looks like the Pegasi have closed the cloud barrier and retreated, cowards this is as much their fight as ours and I could use their help taking out these mega spells! Screams from below me signal that the enemy is falling back on the ground.

This is a nice example of totally wrong mix of character's emotions and the description of environment. Not mentioning that this is hard to read.

I have seen death, it is not a new concept for me, I am the ancient compared to many here, born long before anypony started recording history. Now the region I that I was charged to defend is falling and all I can do is watch and mourn the loss of so many, and her, no RD, she, she is gone.

And this is example of hectic speaking, with little if not no logic between different parts of this sentence.
You could split it several sentences to make it readable. Just remember one rule: every sentence and paragraph must have only one purpose - not two or three, only one. Either you show reader an environment, or some action, or thoughts/emotions of main hero.

The other common mistake you have made is lack of info given to reader. Your character is not an absolutely normal pony that could be described in one phrase like "I am a raider gang leader, I used to raid caravans for living, I had three mares for my own slacking time" or "I am a griffon, I guard caravans that bitch used to raid, now I have to show his ex-wifes that I am not into them". Instead, your character has a big backstory which is not telled properly - by now (I have read prologue and first chapter), I can't even describe him. I simply can't puul data you have given into one piece.

2) Your character.
is.
Gary.
Stue.
WARNING! Caps under spoiler!
OKAY I UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYBODY WANTS TO LOOK MUCH COOLER THAT THEY ARE AND SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY SO BEATEN BY LIFE AND BULLIES AND SCHOOL SO THAT THEY TRY TO ESCAPE INTO THE WORLD OF THEIR FANTASY AND PRETEND THAT THEY ARE SOME BADASS CHARACTERS WHO ARE TOTALLY THEIR SELF-INSERTS, BUT COME ON!

WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN RAISING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM!
WE ARE INTERESTED IN NICE STORIES TO READ!

And nice stories are not compatible with "characters which are made for showing how badass I want to look".
Seriously, I really don't care if he is a black-n-red alicorn, I don't mind! The only thing I personally ask - make sure that your character can exist in fictional universe, that he fits in it! He might have epic backstory of epic endurance and can be overpowered as hell - I don't mind! But he must stay in that universe! If not - I call it Mary Sue, no matter how "balanced" character is.
And by saying "must fit in universe" I also mean that he must have reasons for every quality he has. You can't just go around giving your character every superpower you find cool and badass without any reason - but you can, if you have a nice reason behind it.
I have seen enough of this: mortal alicorns, alicorns without magic and ability to fly, some other hybrids - heck, I can give you some examples of OP characters I designed for my fic - yet I doubt that they would be called "Mary Sue".

So, in my opinion, these ponits are crucial to follow. Yet you falied in both of them. I won't say "I hope you will get better someday if you work hard", cos' I don't care about your story - and actually, there is not so much stories I really care for. It is up for you to decide what you want to do with your story. If you do wrong, you will know it really fast; if you do something right, you will get that fast too.
But right now, your story isn't something that I would want to reread in a free minute.

5050702 Beg you pardon but the character isn't a Alicorn, it is a pegasus who has a very different back story involving the Crystal Empire and Greek Mythology in which most of MLP is based from. Second off the story is being told from a narrative view, aka what is going through the mind of the character telling it at that moment. Tempest has many thoughts course through his head at the same time because he is in combat or expecting to be into combat soon.

Lastly I though I put a password on this to work on it a bit more before full release to get everything correct before I let anyone read it. :rainbowhuh:

Also I left the character to be explained as the book goes on to leave the reader a little imagination room to picture it for themselves, I do however, before the end of the book CH 10 to be exact have a full description of the characters.

And just to clear things up for anyone else who makes this mistake! The book is told from two different perspectives, Tempest and Applebits! The quote at the top tells you who is speaking at its end. Tempest is a Pegasus, Applebits is a Unicorn. There is an alicorn in the story but she comes in later and is more like a winged unicorn, will be explained in chapters to come.

5051002

Beg you pardon but the character isn't a Alicorn, it is a pegasus who has a very different back story involving the Crystal Empire and Greek Mythology in which most of MLP is based from.

Aaaand? He still doesn't fit into Fallout Equestria universe.
And MLP isn't based on Greek mythology at all. And even if it is, it doesn't give you a right to alter the verse not written by you in such way that you can fit anything you want.

Second off the story is being told from a narrative view, aka what is going through the mind of the character telling it at that moment.

You did it wrong. If you want to see some proper narrative view, you can read original story, for example. Or some classics.

Lastly I though I put a password on this to work on it a bit more before full release to get everything correct before I let anyone read it.

Nope, that was for that story with 48k words.

Also I left the character to be explained as the book goes on to leave the reader a little imagination room to picture it for themselves, I do however, before the end of the book CH 10 to be exact have a full description of the characters.

Yeah, and right now we can imagine absolutely nothing. Yet we even don't know anything about him.

And just to clear things up for anyone else who makes this mistake! The book is told from two different perspectives, Tempest and Applebits! The quote at the top tells you who is speaking at its end. Tempest is a Pegasus, Applebits is a Unicorn.

Aaaand? Does this change that this story isn't suitable for reading? Does this change that you decided to ignore canon to introduce "cool, badass" character of yours?

5051002
Ooze makes many valid points. "Narrative view" as you may call it isn't good to tell a story. You already chose past tense, so why that spontaneousness-thing of your characters' thoughts? All it acomplishes is to confuse the reader. Half-way through chapter 1 I was already lost. All I got was that around three (3) soldiers were fighting five hundred (500) Raiders.

That most elegantly leadss to the Gary Stue issue Ooze had. Those dimensions (3--500) are only to be laught at, it's anime-like and not in a good way.

Your character Tempest seems overpowered as f*ck, a "pegasus" beeing able to breath balefire and generate a shield that can withstand a balefire bomb. Why didn't Tempest win the war in his own then?

Another issue I have is with the pacing. Stuff is happening way too fast for the readers to understand what's going in. One moment Tempest destroys missles and then - without a transission - he talks to the Goddess and then the prologue ends and I have no clue what the frick just happened.

And finally: your attitude.
5043075
Dannykat took the worst parts. People tell you what's wrong with the story, but instead of tackling the issues, you're tackling the critics. I understand that there are things you don't want to change, I was - and will be when I publish my next chapter - be in a similar situation. But telling the commentors that you don't care what they, "the kids in the Internet", think about it is the wrong way to react.

You are a soldier. You should know best that if you - or anyone - messed up during some kind of drill or anything, yelling at your superior or fellow soldiers, saying you don't care, will bring you nothing but trouble. Your superiors not liking you, your fellow soldiers not liking you, you beeing completely alone.
The same thing will happen here.
Be polite and kind and other people/authors/readers will be polite and kind to you and your story. Bring rude will cause others to be rude as well, and this is a fight you can't win all on your own.

5051445

Ooze makes many valid points. "Narrative view" as you may call it isn't good to tell a story. You already chose past tense, so why that spontaneousness-thing of your characters' thoughts? All it acomplishes is to confuse the reader. Half-way through chapter 1 I was already lost. All I got was that around three (3) soldiers were fighting five hundred (500) Raiders.

But... but I am writing all my stories like that... and I was told... that I made thoughts easily distinguishable from narration...
sob-sob(
Though I believe it is mostly because the main character is rather grumpy with a lot of "COME ON!" stuff.

5051477
Me too, but not like the author did it here. It's not easy to distinguish here.

P.S.: You've written stories? Where? Do want! Naow!!

5051445 On the last part- he had offended me and I do recall apologizing about the one piece that you mentioned. However he was attacking one character in the book, which I have changed since therefore heading his advise.

If you recall during Chapter 1, Applebits and the team are inside a close quarters stable, the turrets are on, and the raiders of FoE are not equipped normally to handle a Steel Ranger.

At the end of the prologue I mention in the story itself that he is part dragon from before recorded history, there are a few ways of fitting this into the time period. The only logical one is that he served in the "Underworld", but that was only for so long as explained later in the book. His history of life lies within the same time period of the Crystal Empire and King Sombra.

As for the shield, he is capable of low level magic, levitation, healing, and low grade shields. I didn't say that he fully contained the blast, however he did long enough for it not to spread as far as normal. Spike breaths Balefire, its the magic fire that they use with the scrolls.

Thanks for the imput.

5051374 Hate to burst your bubble but so far every mythical creature from Greek Mythology has appeared in the show as well as the fact that Celestia is Latin for Sun, and it was Apollo who pulled the sun across the sky. Same can be said for Luna, Latin for moon, Artemis was the goddess of the moon. Both Apollo and Artemis were siblings. Cadance is the princess of love, Aphrodite is the goddess of love.

I tried to fit it in as best I could, MLP mentions Tartarus which is located in the Underworld, however aside from that it is open.

Thank you for your imput.

5051535

Pfffft. And Cantelot is clearly named after Camelot, which is, if I am not mistaken, is folklore of the Britain of Arthur's times. And Breezes are clearly fairies.
And there is many mythologies in the world, every has a god of sun and love at some sort.
Just because it is named mostly after Greek mythology, and copies most of its names doesn't mean anything.

As for the shield, he is capable of low level magic, levitation, healing, and low grade shields.

Question: how? He doesn't have a horn, right?

5051535
There are a few errors/wrong assumptions in your statements about greek mythology. On the other hand, this doesn't matter, since MLP borrowed only a few names and designs from mythology, all independent from and not connected to one another.
So staying true to mythology =/= staying true to MLP. It's like saying Supernatural actually teaches you anything about Christianity. They use names, "events" and designs too, but that's about it. Myth-canon is mostly too boring for normal people, so it's changed because drama.

5051798 I did notice the take from English mythology as well, it was minor in comparison though it resided mostly with the Dragons. I believe I stated before that he is the son of a Mage Dragon, a breed now extinct from being scattered, and a pony. He took the general of the pony, but he also has traits from his father, minor magic being one of them, along with wings and fire breath. Putting these three traits aside he is a little bigger than Big Mac (about two hands) and normal. Aside from his deal with the dead and all.

Within every civilization there are references to a Reaper of sorts, many different names for it. Tempest gave his soul and served as a reaper, later he was given it back in time to fight King Sombra and become imprisoned within the Crystal Empire. That explains his absence from history.

Good questions and valid point, as I said, I am still working on the book to make a bit more acceptable to those who don't understand the tiny hole I am working in with this character and what I am trying to get at with him. It seems like everyone's problem with the book is only Tempest.

Thanks for your imput.

5051900 Wanted to tag you in previous comment. Also Pegasi are from Greek Myth and unicorns are from English Myth. (Seems a trend) Therefore it is completely reasonable to go off of them, I haven,t effected the normal MLP universe and do not intend on changing anything that may happen.

Please stop slapping me now, I am not trying to step on anyone's hooves (toes). :pinkiegasp:

5052139

I believe I stated before that he is the son of a Mage Dragon, a breed now extinct from being scattered, and a pony.

Putting these three traits aside he is a little bigger than Big Mac (about two hands) and normal

An alicorn-necromancer that is freaking hard to kill because of that powers of hers would be normal, cos' alicorns and necromancy is somewhat not out of reality in FoE.
The Mage Dragon race or whatever it is is. What are you doing here is replacing FoE-canon with your HEADCANON. Get that? You are not buiding something on the canon basis, you are replacing it.
"When writing some sidestory, why limit yourself with some stupid restrictions? Crush the fictional universe, as some borders must mean nothing to imagination!".
This is wrong.

Within every civilization there are references to a Reaper of sorts, many different names for it. Tempest gave his soul and served as a reaper, later he was given it back in time to fight King Sombra and become imprisoned within the Crystal Empire. That explains his absence from history.

And does it go well with FoEcanon?
The answer is - no. You are good at making excuses why you shouldn't follow the rules, but this doesn't work.

5052175

I haven,t effected the normal MLP universe and do not intend on changing anything that may happen.

You haven't affected your HEADCANON of MLP universe. And you must use Fallout Equestria canon.

5054299 I am sorry that you don't like my book! I see no reason to keep this, now going on for three days, conversation going. If you didn't notice I did not in any way during the book affect anything that happens and I worked the historical part of one of the main characters around pockets that are not explained or are just left out in general. Every civilization does have a Devil/Reaper/Lord of the Dead, it was safe to assume since MLP has princesses that control, love, sun, and moon, then a god of chaos, and demons (Tirek is a good example, though he may just be a god, I do not entirely know) that there would be no problem with the consideration of not actually affecting anything in a large way. I worked with pockets of information that was never explained to my knowledge.

I do plan on continuing it and I do plan on writing a sequel that happens much later, when I figure out what happens 17 years after Little Pip and such, the characters of this book will be on the side and a few will even die, even if they managed to survive this one.)

Thank you for your opinions, but I am done being insulted by an abrasive critic.

Have a nice day, and at least try to Love and Tolerate, :rainbowlaugh:!

5055027

that there would be no problem with the consideration of not actually affecting anything in a large way.

Orly? In your headcanon only that is. And your headcanon doesn't go well with FoEverse - cos' your character would be a real bright figure not to notice.
Once again, you are good at making an excuses why you shoudn't follow rules of writing sidestories; however, they don't work.
Your assumptions are only based on "I want this hero to be, so I am making some excuses for him". I wouldn't mind if you aren't writing in FoEverse, but you are - and you just throw FoEcanon like some garbage, cos' it doesn't suit you well.

I wouldn't mind if you aren't writing in FoEverse, but you are -

This.
I think that's the only "real" problem people have with this story. If it weren't set in the FoE universe, many of your "errors" wouldn't be errors, but world-building.

5055556 Follow rules of writing side stories. Last I checked so long as you do not interfere with cannon in FoE, or any for that matter, then you are okay. Tempest was a secret, he isn't a pony you would just meet out and about. You have to be high ranking because he doesn't usually go anywhere without a disguise. He doesn't want friends, he wants to serve. In the Wasteland if I recall correctly not much is known about events that were not highly publicized, Tempest wouldn't allow his actions to be known. I explain that in the book later on, he was a general of yet another army, that is all anyone knew of him.

Again thanks for your opinion, but I knew what I was doing when I wrote this to not interfere with the original book. I am not stupid and I have already bent once, I am not changing him severely again. Have a nice day!

Sincerely,

Tempest Knight

Book is pending more chapters until finalization of re-write of a few characters and additional details in chapters.

Until then keep in mind that what is posted may be modified with a higher part for detail and perhaps a few more references earlier on in the book, instead of the multitude later on in the chapters I have yet to publish (Yes they are done, I am just tuning them)

Stay Brony :rainbowlaugh:

5149840 I refer to it as a book because I have 15 chapters of it done, I am just doing a rewrite and don't want people to get confused.

Also they were not fighting them all at once, remember, stables are very large and are also CQC during combat.

Just replying, if it comes off hostile I am sorry. :facehoof:

Thanks for the comment and the history lesson! :pinkiehappy:

5152643 They are raiders.... against a steel ranger.... and don't forget the stable auto defenses.

As for the book thing, I originally wrote this on paper, then copied it down to MS word, finally upon learning of this website, began downloading it onto here. A book is a multi-page piece of literacy. (English was my favorite subject when I attended school, right next to history).

Again thanks for the imput and have a good one.

Tempest Knight :rainbowdetermined2:

5153279 :rainbowhuh: Eh, your opinion. I shall respect it.

As for the raiders, well if I recall from the original FoE they are not that awful smart, and remember, Applebits had not only the element of surprise cause they had no idea she was there until it was too late, but they probable were not all armed with good firearms. Must take things into contrast, still it is your opinion and this is mine. I shall respect you, at least you didn't blow up at me about Tempest like everyone else did, that in itself, I give you my thanks. I do intend on explaining more in depth what happens early on in the story, as you wish for me to stop referring to it as a book.

Again thanks and I hope to finish uploading and updating soon so you can finish the fic, lol. :rainbowlaugh:

5051477
5051445

Okay so it has been a long time but I did take into consideration your thoughts, though I left the past tense as I was going for a kind of journal entry style with the past tense since the Epilogue will be much closer to the future and will involve views from both of the main characters.

I am sorry that I took my anger out on you two, though the one guy just ****** me off to a point I couldn't handle it with only the negative (can't work with only negative as I have no positive to balance it out) for a time making me think that I should have just taken the story down.

I placed explanations in the Authors notes in case somepony couldn't make connections I pointed too during the story, such as Tempest being half Dragon (No longer an alicorn as even I got tired of that as he seemed far to powerful and I did make him tire easily since he is still drained of energy soul wise, though he could still summon a small army of the dead he would pass out into a similar but much shorter coma, perhaps a week long or something depending on how many he summoned granting him a few weaknesses as you can see.)

I wanted to make this apology public as I would like to make amends and would greatly appreciate if you have any interest in this story then you should give it a read, just be mindful I am making changes as I go but I think that I am done editing the original sections that I left and will now only focus on making new chapters and salvaging the poor job I did to start with.

If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them, and stay positive about it as I'd rather not cause conflict since we are targeted even here for elimination. :yay:

5051445

That most elegantly leadss to the Gary Stue issue Ooze had. Those dimensions (3--500) are only to be laught at, it's anime-like and not in a good way.

His character may be OP, but nobody can beat Liberty Prime
new1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/4882198+_66c7820903a298b3f7b2fc2336da6ef9.jpg

...except maybe an orbital strike. But that was ONE time.

6091013 Liberty Prime owns all, that is just how it goes. As for the "OP" fully functional Steel Ranger with all her ammo against raiders with light and badly managed guns... even at high odds unless they hit her with one hell of a sledgehammer (since they probably had one somewhere in there) they were not going to penetrate her armor. So a better term would be OP for the situation. (Though looking back I should have had her get shot up a bit by a security turret...)

Hope you enjoy this as I did a complete plot edit and the ending (along with the begging) are completely different, I also changed a few chapters just to improve the overall story.

Stay Brony Everypony!!!

6234075 No thanks, recently I have tag teamed with someone in the later chapters (after 11) and what is done prior is done. Sorry for any errors you may find, alas enjoy the story.

Do be honest you should just make a separate story for Arnold ponegator after this one is over whenever that happens

6288046 Hehe, you'll have to wait and see, though I am sure that you'll like it!

6288046 Okay so I have decided that I am Cancelling the series I was going to bring after this fic, sorry. However I would love to see Arnold Ponegator in his own fic, so if you or anyone else wish to write him his own, he will not be making any other showings in this fic aside from a passing mention from the main characters. I am not saying that he is alive or dead, that is all reader speculation, but please if you want to write him into your own story as a side character or primary, feel free.
orig15.deviantart.net/00cd/f/2015/167/e/b/arnold_ponegator_no_back_by_lord_photon_prime-d8xlwd6.png
"I'll be back!" - Arnold Ponegator

Note: This fic will be finished, this I can promise!

6698629 I am glad you are enjoying it!

6699767
5050702
5051445

Hmmm ... new Chapter? I wonder where the flamers are?

8179701 I know, it has been far too long since I updated anything.

Might wanna use dashes instead of commas in the stuttering, or similar. Some names need spacing.

Run this through an editor program. Just....

Good chapter :ajsmug: But all this stuff with Rage maybe little too intense? Or maybe too epic? Too pretentious?:trixieshiftright:

8293008
I will let the co-author know, but it won't change anything friend. Lol.

8291775
I will take it into consideration. (I normally use periods for studders, no commas that I know of lest you are early in the story... then I am uncertain as it has been 4 years.)

You need a editor just saying

She's adapt it she and to not ti

Too many exclamation marks!

Quiet fast? It's quite fast you mixed em up again

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