You Hire the Bull...
{:Next Morning:}
He drove up along slowly in his banged up Citroen AX, eying the deep magenta colored school off to his right. His face contorted into one of intrigue as he noted the designs and peculiar markings around the windows, raising an eyebrow at the horse statue in front of the school.
'Should've expected this...' He mentally sighed. 'A school with a horse pun needed to have a horse statue...'
"The most fucked up school in the county... if not the country." He pulled the break, taking his foot off of the accelerator. Hartman looked on skeptically at the parked cars in front of him. 'Surely they have a parking lot here? Right?' He gazed at both sides of the school, shaking his head in disbelief. "They don't have a parking lot here!" He punched the center of the steering wheel, making the horn go off rather loudly. "Out- fucking-standing!"
He twisted the keys in the ignition, turning off the engine. He took the keys out and stuffed them into the pocket of his uniform's trousers. Hartman made his way out of the beaten car. 'Shit. Almost forgot!' He grabbed his hat off of the passenger seat and stuck it on his head.
He was now official.
As Hartman closed the door, the faint taps of shoes hitting the concrete path graced his ancient eardrums.
"I should've known you would have been early, Eric." Hartman know that voice, it was a sweet, motherly type of voice that a parent would use on their child.
Hartman wasn't a child though, far from it.
"I'm never late for lessons, Celestia." He turned to face his close, personal...
...
... acquaintance, standing by the opposite side of the car. That lovely mop of multicolored hair that looked and felt like silk. Those beautiful fuchsia eyes. The nice.. well rather tall figure was stunning. She looked like an angel in most people's eyes...but not Eric Hartman's. To him, she was a giant that needed to be slain. She most definitely squeezed in a few inches over him.
"How's life? Your husband doing well?" He asked, strolling along slowly up to the school. Celestia followed up after him.
"I'm doing good, the kids are starting their first day at kindergarten tomorrow." She paused. "... My husband has been left quite a lot to think about after that verbal beat down you gave him two weeks ago." A small smile tugged at her lips. "Though, safe to say, he's been spending more time with me and the kids." She chuckled, thinking about the events prior to that. "How about you? Do you have anything to contribute?" Celestia walked up the steps and opened the main doors.
Hartman stroked his chin in thought. "Not much lately, my wife's still in hospital after falling down the stairs."
"Is she going to be okay?" She inquired, sympathy in her voice. She went aside to let Hartman through.
"Thank you..." He mumbled, stepping inside. "After that spinal injury, I say she won't. But Anya is tough, she'll live alright." He took a brief look of his new surroundings. A display of trophies was off to his left, showing off the schools glories behind a thin pane of glass. Two hallways went off to both sides of the lobby. Student's lockers riddled the sides of the corridors, with the odd doorway in between sets of the metal cabinets that lead into the classrooms.
"Where's..." Hartman snapped his fingers together, trying to remember an important name. "... the blue one." But ultimately, failed.
"You mean, Luna?" Hartman nodded. "She's at her office. Want to go see her?" She jabbed a thumb over her shoulder.
"No, no, no. I'll see her at lunch." A tiny amount of curiosity dawned on his face. "When's P.T. start?"
"I have the timetables on my phone..." Celestia trailed on, taking the device out of her pocket. "... hold on." She scrolled up and down and pressed a few buttons, before reaching her goal. "There we go... Okay, you have the eleventh graders from 9:40 to 11 o'clock. You have ninth graders from 11:15 to 11:55, twelfth graders from 11:55 to 1:15 and finally, you have the tenth graders from 2:35 to 3:55."
"Eh, I've worked longer." Hartman stretched his back, a few satisfying pops resounded across the lobby, making Celestia cringe in disgust.
"Well, if you need anything, Eric, I'll be in my office. Just... don't be too hard on my students." That last sentence was desperate, and Hartman knew it.
"I'll make sure I don't go easy on 'em either." Met at an impasse, left at an impasse. Celestia nodded, walking off down the right hallway, toward her office.
"Feel free to wander around before class starts!" She called out, before entering her room, closing the door with a hefty bang.
"Might as well get comfortable with my surroundings..." Hartman muttered under his breath, walking down the left hallway.
{Three Hours and Five Minutes Later: 9:38 AM}
{Gym Hall}
"-and try not to step out of line, he can get rather..." Luna paused, thinking of the right word to use. "Upset." That was the understatement of the century and she knew it.
"Just try and be on your best behavior and you'll get along fine with him." Celestia concluded. It was at this moment that the man himself chose to walk in.
"Students, this is Gunnery Sergeant Hartman." He tipped his drill instructor hat toward the pupils.
********
"He's a lot older than I expected." Rainbow Dash whispered.
"How's he even gonna do P.E?" Applejack replied just as softly, skeptical at this revelation.
Rarity leaned forward on the bench, looking at them with an eyebrow raised. "Now, now. We wouldn't to judge him by his looks alone now would we?" She spoke quietly, looking at Hartman whilst he was talking with the principles. "I mean, look at his uniform!" Applejack and Rainbow turned their heads toward him. "From what I can see, there is barely any creases whatsoever. How does he do it?"
'She's in one of her states again...'. Rainbow shook her head in disbelief, looking at Hartman. 'Out of everyone else, we got this old fart!' An exasperated sigh escaped past her lips, she massaged her temples.
"I just hope he's nice." Fluttershy mumbled, looking down. "Spitfire wasn't all that good to me."
"Aw, cheer up Fluttershy!" Pinkie whispered loudly, wrapping an arm over Fluttershy's shoulders. "He could be one of those nice teachers that don't get themselves worked over a tiny mishap." Understatement of the millennium right there folks!
"I hope so."
********
"See you in teachers lounge at break, Eric." Celestia proceeded to exit the gym hall. Luna nodded, a very awkward and strained smile on her face. Inside, Luna was praying for the safety of the students for the oncoming hell they would have to endure with Hartman.
Hartman grunted in acknowledgement. The double doors leading into the hall closed with a satisfying click. 'Time to teach these brats the definition of lively.'
He turned to look at his class. A stern look graced itself over his features. "Alright! Enough lazing around, get up onto your feet!" The class stood up almost immediately, they weren't expecting an outburst. "Half the class go the opposite side of the hall!" He pointed to his right.
They walked over. Something Hartman didn't like. "Faster! Move your asses!" They jogged, their eyes holding small laces of fear. The students straightened their posture.
"Alright... Now we can begin officially." He walked slowly down the middle of the hall, his hands behind his back. "I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your new P.T. class tutor. From now on you will speak only when spoken too, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be 'sir!'. Do you maggots understand that?" The pupils of Canterlot High had no idea what was going on, but chose to follow along.
"Sir, yes, sir!" They mix of female voices shouting with the boys was unfamilier to Hartman's ears, as he only ever taught boys within the Corp. This was his first P.T. class in a long time.
"Bullshit! I can't hear you!" Some students cringed at the swear, some nearly burst out laughing, especially Pinkie.
"Sir, Yes, Sir!"
Hartman walked over to Sunset Shimmer, and got right into her face. "What's your name, scumbag?"
Sunset kept her face as straight as she could. "Sir, Sunset Shimmer, sir!"
He glanced up at her hair. "Bullshit! From now on you're Bacon Sizzler, do you like that name?"
Sunset was trying very hard not to snap out at him. "Sir, yes, sir!"
"This is a joke..." Hartman turned around immediately, fire in his eyes.
"Who said that?" He stormed over to the other side. "Who the fuck said that!? Who's the slimy little twinkle toed cum-guzzling cocksucker down here who just signed their own expulsion papers!?" He looked between, Trixie and Flash Sentry. No one answered him. "Nobody huh?!" Silence. "The fairy-fucking-godmother said it?! Out-fucking-standing!" He threw his arms up in the air. "I will P.T. you all until you fucking die!" Fluttershy was getting increasingly more scared by the second. "I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking butter milk!"
Hartman grabbed Flash by the the collar of his shirt. "Was it you, you scroungy little fuck?! Huh?!
Flash found this whole experience very frightening. Very frightening indeed. "Sir, no, sir!" Hartman got into his face.
"You little piece of shit! You look like a fucking worm! I bet it was you!" Trixie was getting more and more nervous.
"Sir, Trixie said it, sir!" She gave in. Hartman stopped shaking Flash around like a maraca, and walked slowly over to her.
"Well... no shit. What have we got here, a fucking swagger?" He couldn't bring himself to punch a girl... so he did the next best thing. Karate chopping her shoulder. Trixie hissed in agony, putting pressure to the area of pain. Hartman pointed at her accusingly. "If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ, Twix Bar!" Some students hissed out some air at the insult he used. "Now let go your shoulder!" Trixie did so, tears welling up in her eyes. "I've got your name! I've got your ass! There's no leaving these classes until you learn by the numbers I will be teaching you!" Hartman walked down over to five certain girls. Trixie was left there sniffling, trying her best not to cry.
Pinkie caught his attention instantly, due to the mass of pink, that was and made, Pinkie Pie. "You look like a piece of chewed bubble-gum. What's your name?"
"Sir, Pinkie Pie, sir!"
"Holy dog shit! Your name's a pun!" He was gobsmacked. "Did your parent's have any form of imagination!?"
"Sir, no, sir!" Pinkie was hurt by the question, but she kept her face as steely as possible.
"Well, from now on, your going for Clit!" Pinkie as with every other student in the room blushed a tomato red. Pinkie was trying not to laugh, instead, a small grin tugged at her lips.
"Do you think I'm cute, Clit? Do you think I'm funny?!" Hartman questioned.
"Sir, no, sir!"
"Then wipe that disgusting looking grin off your face, before I gauge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you!"
Pinkie was trying to contain her laughter, but this was laughter that she couldn't even contain.
...
As with everyone else in the room.
They were going to regret that. Big time.
This is before their friendships came to a close, so this is well before the movie.
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Have some food, my preeetties!
reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/batman_om_nom_nom_nom.gif
They laughed at Hartman?
THEY HAVE FUCKED UP NOW!
God, this is hilarious.
.... *Stands up, walks out of room, grabs a bullhorn, goes to roof* Out fucking standing work!
Seriously I felt like I was going to die of laughter at the names, but oh the fury to come from the laughter XD
.............................................................................................................................................I need an adult.
Oh my god...
This is beautiful. I'd prefer if there weren't requotes from the movie, but honestly, the lines are so great, I'm not gonna whine too much.
Now choke yourself!
5101095
Same here. Still great, but a little originality would be nice. Although I can't deny that I really wanna hear the golf ball through a garden hose quote.
FTFY
*Sees author's note*
..Captain Picard punching out Darth Vader....
HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS GIF?!!!
That Trixie insult DAMN!
my only question is. who is celestia's husband?
5101116
Five bucks says its Discord.
Don't get it.
Although I'm assuming it has to do with a clitoris.
And where's the mature part of this? If this is all, shouldn't this be rated Teen? I mean, there's no outstanding violence, outstanding psychological torment, straight out clop, or any of the other things that need to be present for the mature rating. I mean, it does limit the amount of people who will find this story, and those who do will be rather let down by the tag.
Not saying I don't like the story, I do. But you should really change the rating.
Yep, I lost it.
Oh my gosh!
WOW!
...Oh, boy. It's only getting better from here.
That went well...
5101150 its from the nigh infinite amounts of swears that will come from this.
and i feel so sorry for them for laughing...
5100993
Consuming Pinkie Pies is bad for your health:
i.imgur.com/Z04aP.gif
Also "Bacon Sizzler" has got to be the best damn nickname for Sunset Shimmer ever.
Twix Bar..
That's just gold. Pure gold.
I have no clue what grade they are in the movie, but going by the time schedule, he is teaching the 11th graders.
That one caught me off-guard
Also loved the burn that followed thereafter. Well-played, sir 
[youtube=GTQAXX08A-s]
who said that?... WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!
One! Two! Three!
Sir, I can't help it, s...
BULLSHIT! GET ON YOUR KNEES, SCUMBAG!
5 seconds in and you got me outright laughing. Doesn't happen often in fics, so already this is a great success. Can't wait for more!
media.giphy.com/media/qhURwEDavrGQE/giphy.gif
5101146
It better not be. I hate that ship.
"I just hope he's nice." Fluttershy mumbled, looking down. "Spitfire wasn't all that good to me."
"Aw, cheer up Fluttershy!" Pinkie whispered loudly, wrapping an arm over Fluttershy's shoulders. "He could be one of those nice teachers that don't get themselves worked over a tiny mishap." Understatement of the millennium right there folks!
"I hope so."
oh how they were wrong...
Normally I might let a missed word here slide, but this is the titular phrase we're talking about here.
Aside from that, yeah, outstanding.
Lee Ermey would be proud.
Welp. They've just signed their death warrants.
Oh, and am I the only one that wants to see Hartman vs the CMC?
If that's what you had to throw at us in his introduction to the gym class... I know I better not be drinking anything next time around, because I nearly spewed my drink on the screen from laughter from this chapter
His insult to Trixie was spectacular. Perfect insult for those who think they're better then they really are
Roll Credits!
T
This is gonna be great.
You need to come up with some of your own insults, but this is shaping up to be rather interesting.
Here's an insult you can use: Back-alley handjob shovelled in with a rusty spoon.
We are going to have good time with fanfic, I can tell. With this much shouting and comedy, I'm definitely going to love this.
God I'm dieing from how funny this is! Also, does 11th graders (did I get the grade right for those guys?) are DEAD. also, I keep wanting to see Hartman vs the CMC for some reason...
That's all that's needed.
This story is going to be great.
Oh my fucking JESUS, THAT WAS HILARIOUS! Keep up the good drill, SARNT! I can't wait until they get destroyed in P.T. ....
5101150
Pie is a slang term for vagina.
Out-fucking-standing!!
5100996
One of the things they used to say in bootcamp was "Why are you eye fucking me?" everytime someone would look at one of the RDCs. "You guys see that shit. This guy is fucking me with his eyes."
made me laugh every time.
Awesome story btw.
Holy shit you had me rolling with the IQ joke.
5100993
img.webme.com/pic/d/disneyfan/birdys.jpg
Ah, the memories...First Sergeant Parker, you will be missed...(He was my DI in Basic.) Sometimes clerking for AIT is shit, 'specially when the instructors sometimes toss you in with the cads while you're running duties for the Major. And no, this is my off time 'fore lights.
This is gold!!!
Hilarious! Funniest one I've read yet.
