Apple Loader

by shortskirtsandexplosions

E

"Wowwwww..." Lyra and Bon Bon leaned forward, their sparkling eyes glued to the top shelf of the open market vendor. "That's the most beautiful instrument I've ever seen," the unicorn cooed.

Bon Bon looked up. "What's the name of it again?"

"Stallionivarius," Octavia explained. "Built by the mid-classical family, Stallionivari." She brushed aside a few smoky bangs and smiled elegantly. "It is as fragile as it is symphonic." She ran a graceful hoof over the varnished wooden curves with gentility. "There are less than a thousand more like it in this world. They are only ever played in performances for the most aristocratic and noble of pony audiences. This one right here has been played at multiple Galas for the Royal Sisters themselves."

"Cinnamon buns," Bon Bon stammered with an awestruck smile. "It must be ungodly expensive."

"No less than three hundred thousand bits, I assure you," Octavia said.

"My stars, Tavi," Lyra remarked, leaning back. "What possessed you to put it on display here? This belongs in a shop in uptown Canterlot!"

"Or a museum!" Bon Bon's voice cracked.

"Mmmmm..." Octavia smiled demurely. "An instrument of this rarity demands a serious buyer. If a pony is truly desirous of buying this, then they must make a concerted effort to trot all the way out here into the country before negotiating a purchase."

"Oh, I see!" Bon Bon said with a smile. "So that way you'd know they were really serious about it!"

"Indeed," Octavia said. "Besides, I wouldn't be caught dead selling something of this antiquity in the busy city. No, my friends, it's better for it to be out here in the country." She smiled. "Where things are quiet, peaceful, safe—"

THUD! CL-CLANK! THUD! CL-CLANK! "Get yer fresh juicy apples! Fresh juicy apples, right here!" THUDDDDD!

The latest vibration sent a horrific tremor through Octavia's vendor. All three mares' eyes twitched as the Stallionivarius flew off the shelf, did a backflip, and landed... in twenty pieces.

"Uh..." Octavia's pupils shrank as her muzzle quivered involuntarily. "Uhhh... uh-uh..."

THUDDDD! The following shake brought the vendor crashing over Lyra's and Bon Bon's yelping bodies. The next row over, Applejack stood "tall" while juggling several baskets in her metal arms. "They don't get much riper than this, folks!" The mare grinned from within the cage of her undulating machine. WHURR-WHURR-WHURR! She spun a pair of baskets on top of one arm while converting the other one into a torch. "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" FWOOOOOOOMB! She fired a plume of blistering hot flame into the air, inadvertently setting a hotel's thatched roof on fire across the street. "Come to Sweet Apple Acres where we're also sellin' plenty of corn, wheat, hay, and milk jugs! That's cowmilk, for those city folk visitin' from Celestia-knows-where! Heheheheh!"

Several ponies climbed out of the hotel balcony, shrieking and panicking. They hoisted pales of water to one another to quench the flame. Meanwhile, a pair of ponies trotted past the weeping sound of Octavia and approached Applejack in her loader.

"Wow, those are a lot of apples!" Thunderlane said. "I bet they taste scrumptious!"

"Darn tootin'!" WREEEE! Applejack thrust a basket right in front of the two flinching ponies' muzzles. "Here, give 'er a whiff!" She winked from deep inside the machine. "And since I'm jugglin' a whole surplus here, I'm sellin' 'em at a special Sweet Apple Acres discount!"

"Jee... I dunno," Thunderlane gulped and glanced aside at Blossomforth. "I can't say if we really need that many."

"It wouldn't hurt to stock up!" Blossomforth smiled. "After all, Rumble is likely to be celebrating a cute-se-nera soon!"

Thunderlane's eyes turned to daggers. "I told you never to call it that. He's a colt."

"Heeheehee!"

"Hey, I've got two big ol' baskets with yer names on it!" Applejack grinned, jerking at her controls. Cl-Clack! She hoisted them up and gave the containers a metallic squeeze. "How about it, y'all? Two baskets for two purdy love birds."

"Hmmmmm..." Blossomforth blushed with a smile. "Well, I've been in a baking mood..."

"Then it's a deal?"

Thunderlane rolled his eyes and reached into his bit bag. "Alright, honey. Anything for you."

"Yeeehaa!" THUD! Applejack dropped the baskets down on either side of them. "Now that's what I call home-country barterin'! Ahem. Fifteen bits, please."

"Here ya go." Thunderlane held up the bits, lingered, scratched his head, then ultimately dropped them in the flat of Applejack's metal "hoof." WHURRR! She pulled it closer to the loader's cage and snatched it in her own forelimb, depositing the gold coins into a receptical.

"Whoops..." Blossomforth winced, looking at the two hulkingly large baskets. "Should have thought this through. Just how will we get all this home?"

"Shouldn't be a big deal," Thunderlane said with a shrug. "I see us making two trips. Making three."

"Pffft!" Applejack waved a hoof. WHOOSH! "Horseapples to that noise! I can take care of that for you!"

"Er... no th-thank you." Thunderlane chuckled breathily. "We don't actually have... uh... a garage that can fit you in, even for a delivery."

"Naw, for real! I got you covered!" CL-CLAMP! Applejack lifted both baskets and slapped them end-to-end like a giant wicker pill box.

"Eeek!" Blossomforth yelped, her wings twitching. "D-don't crush the apples—!"

"Refresh my memory!" Applejack squinted down at them. "Y'all share a flat on the corner of Fifth and McCracken, right?"

"Er... right." Thunderlane nodded. "Second story."

"Hah! I knew it! Now..." Applejack pressed several digits on a keypad in front of her. "If I just set the coordinates here..."

"Coordinates?"

"I'll have the apples waitin' for y'all by the time ya get home!" Beep! Beep! Boop! Ding! "Shazam! Watch this!" Whurrrrrrrrrrrr-whurrrrrr! The apple loader stood up like a biped, limbs clattering. Then, with robotic precision, it held the conjoined baskets full of fruit back and aimed for the far edge of town. "Here's the wind up... and the pitch..." WHURRR! Swooooooooooooooooooooosh! The loader launched the apples over dozens of rooftops.

Thunderlane's and Blossomforth's heads turned as they gawked at the produce's flight. The dual baskets soon fell out of view, landing between two familiar apartments with a CRASH!, followed by the breaking of glass and the deathly shriek of a cat.

"Whoops! Eheheheh..." Applejack smiled nervously. "Yer all dog-lovers, right?"

"Uhm... Applejack? We, uhm..."

"Oh! Dag nabbit!" Applejack slapped a metal cross-bar. "Of course! I forget yer change!" Cl-Clack! She rotated one arm into a rifle barrel and—P-POW! Fired three tiny coins.

Sm-Smack! The bits ricocheted off Thunderlane's skull, knocking his body into Blossomforth. "ACK!" Thud! Both fell to the floor in a crumpled heap.

"Y'all come back now, ya hear?!" Applejack twirled with a grin. Cl-Clank! She shouted past the smoldering haze of a burnt hotel. "Apples a'plenty! You want heaven in a bite?!" She motioned with a metal hoof, grinning. Whurr-whurr-whurr. "Come and get some!"

Comments

[Skeeter The Lurker]

What? No teleporting capabilities?

Rarity needs to do her research better.

~Skeeter The Lurker

[RoboRed]

...Who designed that contraption, anyways?

[Themaskedferret]

Poor Octavia...and wow AJ...

[King Kenya]

Reminds me of the story about the chap who dropped his Stradivarius under a bus...

[silverspawn]

I was expecting this to be semi-serious after the second chapter. though, already 300k bits of damage caused, plus a building on fire? and we're only 1/4 way through the story. this is going to be fun.

[Fire Soul]

Is...was this...

Was this thing meant for wartime applications? Because uhhhhh....

[Fishberry]

... She's lost her mind.

There had better be a friendship lesson at the end of all of this.