Apple Loader

by shortskirtsandexplosions

A

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiie! Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiie!" Sweetie Belle screamed and screamed from where she perched high in a tree. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiieee!"

"Sweetie B-Belle!" Apple Bloom panted and stammered, trying her vain best to climb up onto a low-hanging branch while lampposts herded around her. "Stop screamin' yer head off and help me!"

"I dunno howwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Sweetie Belle wailed, tears flowing.

"How 'bout usin' yer dag-blame'd magic?!" Apple hissed, kicking away at the metal limbs reaching for her. "Your horn got us into this mess! Can't it make these creepy thangs stop!"

"I caa-aa-aan't!"

"Why not?!"

"Refractory period!"

"What the h-hay is a refractory period?!"

Sweetie Belle sniffled. "It's Rarity's explanation for why I-I can't use my magic twice in a row!"

"Nnnngh!" Apple Bloom grunted, knocking back one lamppost after another. "Get away from me, will ya?!"

"Also something about her handsome pen pal in Neigheria ignorin' her for a full week!"

"Aaaack!" Apple Bloom gasped as one lamppost finally grabbed her and slammed her to the grassy hill below. "Ooof!"

"Apple Bloom!" Sweetie Belle wailed.

"No!" Apple Bloom scampered away from the stomping "legs" of the lampposts. "No no no n-no!" She zig-zagged around a bouncing trash can—only to be doused in the face by an animated water fountain. "Blarghlblarghlrarghl!" Thw-Thwomp! She fell back on her rump. "Ooof!" Wincing in pain, she looked up. "Oh no..."

Hissing like a cobra, a menacing wooden bench leered above her. Its backpiece splintered off into two jagged "arms" and aimed one murderously at the filly's sensitive throat.

"Mmmph!" Apple Bloom gulped and covered her face. "Applejack! Please! Save me, big sis! Save meeee!"

The bench reared its splintery spike, about to strike—

Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack!

With a jolt, the outdoor furniture stopped. It spun around with a crackling hiss, craning its "neck" towards the hilltop.

Slowly, a suited mare marched up, her yellow strobelight flickering across the countryside.

Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack! Whurrr-Clack!

Applejack lurched to a stop, bearing the mother of all scowls.

"Get away from her, you bench!"

The wooden furniture merely hissed and charged straight at the mare.

CL-CLANK! Applejack turned her forelimbs to metal claws and spread them wide. "Come onnnn!" Grunting, she gave the rampaging bench a right hook. "Haaaugh!" WHUDDD!

The artificial monster rolled to the side, shrieking in artificial pain.

As Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom watched—gawking—the lampposts stampeded uphill in the bench's place.

"COME ONNNN!" With warrior-esque grunts, Applejack uppercutted one lamppost and gave the second one a headbutt with the bars of her golden chassis. THWACK! CRACK!

Crumpled soda cans and plastic bags of dog poop pelted the apple loader from afar.

"Nnnngh!" Applejack sneered, glaring to her side.

The trash can was strafing across the dirt road, launching projectile after projectile of garbage.

"Haaaaaugh!" Applejack flung a claw to the side. Whirrrrrrrrr—CLAMP! She grasped the last remaining lamppost, then snapped it in two over a metal knee. CRACK! "Go fetch, ya mangy varmint!" She launched half of the lamppost like a javelin.

SCHLUNKKK! The trash can was impaled through its middle. It rolled over to the side of the road where it made quiet little trash can death rattles.

WHIRRRR Applejack spun around—THUD!—only to be pounced on by the ceramic water fountain. "Whoah nelly!"

The bowl of the fountain loomed up to the metal bars. Its spicket swiveled and fired a jet of water.

"Gaaugh!" Applejack dodged her head to the left.

The spicket fired again.

Applejack's head jerked to the right of the chassis. Snarling, she converted one metal limb into a drill and slammed it into the heart of the fountain. With crumbling plaster, the ceramic structure ruptured, spilling water all over the place.

"Yer all washed up!" Grunting, Applejack tossed the remaining, twitching bits onto the ground and—CRUNNNNCH!—viciously curb-stomped it to dust. "Nnnngh!" She stood in the flexing machine, panting heavily. Tossing her sweat-stained bangs back, the flushed mare looked across the park.

The wooden bench was just getting up and "looking" at her.

"Alrighty then..." Applejack smirked devilishly and motioned with a metal hoof. Wrii-Wrii-Whirr! "About that dance..."

The bench let out a roar and charged across the field.

"Rrrhhtt!" Applejack yanked both control levers forward. STOMP STOMP STOMP! She met the bench halfway with a clap of thunder—POWWWW!—sending vaporous bursts of air rippling across the high-grass in every direction. When the atmosphere above Ponyville settled, both the apple loader and the bench were locked in grueling, mortal combat.

The bench detached more of its wooden planks, morphing them into a splintery wooden sickle that lashed and lashed at the living, breathing pony inside the loader. SCHIIING! SCHIIIING—CL-CLANK!

"Nnnngh... th-that's the way you wanna play?!" Applejack spat saliva and blood. "Well, alright!" Cl-Clakkk! The suit's right metal limb switched to a flame thrower. "Need a light?"

FWOOOOOOOOMB!

The bench shrieked and thrashed about as every inch of its abominable body caught aflame. It soon melted into a charred, smoldering mess in the apple loader's grip.

"This here ain't my first rodeo, ya mangy varmint!" Then Applejack hollered at the top of her lungs, suplexing the crispy bench into oblivion. "Haaaaaaaugh!" SMASSSH!

As the dust cleared, the bench was nothing more than a black spot in the soil.

Whirrrrrr! Applejack leaned the loader close enough to spit on the ashes. "Ptooie! Now that is what I call a trip to the woodshed!" Wriiiii! She spun about, grinning. "Apple Bloom! Don't you worry none! It's all over!" She blinked, her smile fading. "...Apple Bloom?!"

The only pony to be seen was Sweetie Belle, rocking back and forth on a tree branch. "So... m-many... explosions..." she whimpered with a thousand-mile stare. "They sh-should have sent a poet..."

"Sweetie Belle!" Thud! Thud! Thud! Applejack marched up and carefully picked the filly up between two metal limbs. "Yer alright! Thank goodness!"

"I'm wet in places I've n-never been wet before..."

"Sweetie Belle, darlin'..." Applejack leaned forward. "Where's Apple Bloom? Did you see what happened to her?"

"Mmmmhmmm..." Sweetie gulped and pointed over the hillside. "She ran in that direction."

"She did?!" Applejack panted. "Why... wh-what in blazes for?!"

"She didn't say. She just scampered off." Sweetie Belle stared up, lip quivering. "Does this m-mean I have to wear diapers again?"

"You just sit right here and wait for my friends to come get you!" Applejack gently placed the filly down and tore off towards the woods. "Apple Bloom!" Th-Thud! Th-Thud! Th-Thud! "Don't run, lil' sis! Wait for me!"

Sweetie Belle shivered, hugging herself. "Because Rarity likes to lock those up too..."

Comments

[Skeeter The Lurker]

"So... m-many... explosions..." she whimpered with a thousand-mile stare. "They sh-should have sent a poet..."

What a funny way to spell "Michael Bay"...

~Skeeter The Lurker

[RoboRed]

Appleloader - One-Liners Are Magic.

The trash can was impaled through its middle. It rolled over to the side of the road where it made quiet little trash can death rattles.

quiet little trash can death rattles
This makes me giggle.

Does this m-mean I have to wear diapers again?"
Sweetie Belle shivered, hugging herself. "Because Rarity likes to lock those up too..."

*eyetwitch*
OH FOR THE LOVE OF-

[Jake The Army Guy]

"Get away from her, you bench!"

Why do I get the feeling that this line was the sole reason behind writing this story?

[Derpamena]

"So... m-many... explosions..." she whimpered with a thousand-mile stare.

So where are the short skirts?

[Emptybee]

5061032 My reaction exactly.

[Flynt Coal]

"Get away from her, you bench!"

Goddammit, I knew the Aliens reference was going to happen at some point, but that freaking killed me!

[homicidal doktor]

"Get away from her, you bench! "

Knew that joke was coming!