Applegate

by Flutters Is Shy

11- Dissonance of Discord

To hell with it.

I strutted towards Applejacks wailing, where she was looking at the front of the barn with a gaze of utter brokenness.

"Ah, yees, zee amazink Applejack!" I said in a broken accent, drawing her attention to me. "Do yew liek eet? Eez magnifique, no? Zee structure, zee lines, zee ferocity! Eet zimply screams passion, non?" By this point her undivided attention was focused on me, and I slowly wondered if perhaps this was a bad baaaad idea.

"WHAT THE HEY DID YOU DO?!!?!?" She screamed at me. Yeah, this was a bad idea. Very bad.

"Why, mees Applejack, I wood zink yew of all ponies wood app-reeciate Function," I drew my hand in front of my face, striking a pose while doing my best 'blue steel' face. "Oovare...Fashion!" Well. That was a turn for the better. Instead of looking angry, now she was just looking confused. "Zee structure haz been eemproved! Ztronger zan bull! Ztrong enough to take oop to a cyategory sree toornado! Oor Zee Ranbow of Dash. Wheechever heets eet ferst."

"Wait jes an apple pickin' minute. Yer claiming this...ugly thing can stand up to Rainbow Dash?" Oh, I might actually get away with this, time to keep up the act.

"Zat ees not all! Zee ztructure cood tyake zee Ranbow of Dash goink fool teelt! Eye doo noot vant to brag, havink noot had eet feild tyested as oof yeet. Boot eye belief eet could even tyake soonick Ranboom!" I thrust my fist skyward, posturing for all my worth. I had actually gained an audience member in the form of Big Red during my speech. Might as well continue. It had been forever since I had cut loose and just acted goofy.

"Boot wait! Zeres moor!" I waved a hand towards the entrance, "Zee cellar haz been exteended! Beeger zan befoor! And too eemproove even furzur, eet has been geeven an extra foor levels! Zats right, and adeetional foor floors! And eet haz been attached to zee hous az well. Eef zat floots yer boot." I watched the wonder twins faces, which had by this point gone from confusion to amazement.

"Are yah serious? Ya did all that? How?" Well. I would have liked to continue past this point, but I've found that its never a good idea to take credit for actions you can't replicate. Puts you in situations you just get screwed in.

"I'm sorry, did I ever claim 'I' did that?" I dropped the ridiculous accent. It was fun while it lasted, but it was a pain to speak in.

"What...but you said..."

"I just said that it had been improved. Not that I had done any of the improving. Lets just say I know a guy, and he happened to be in the area." I took another look at the barn, and exaggerated my disapproval. "Can't say I approve of his choice in paint. How the heck did he even MANAGE to do plaid? That should have taken ages to dry, and then paint the other colors...I wasn't even gone that long..." Applejack gave me a questioning glance. "Hey, don't give me that look. I did exactly as you asked of me, I fixed up the boards in the back, my friend popped over to say hi, he said the lack of paint on the new boards 'irked him', so I went back to the house to ask Granny where the paint was."

"Paints in the barn." Big Mac oh so helpfully interjected.

"Well I know that NOW. Didn't before. By the time I got back...well, this." I gestured to the...barn? Could I even still call it that? At least it wasn't that annoying red anymore. "I was just as flabbergasted as you, he told me what he did, then scarpered off before I could stop him. Oh, and he also fixed your stupid hammer. The thing exploded on me," I waved my ripped and shredded shirt sleeve at them, still stained with my blood. Wonder how that worked. Guess even though my clothes morph with me, they still aren't considered genetic material or whatever.

"What the hey, are you all right?" Well that was new. She actually was worried about me.

"Hurt at first, but I morphed Twilight to finish the boards." She gave me a look that said 'what does that have to do with anything?' Guess I better elaborate. "Remember the forest? Morphing heals damage." Finally, a look of comprehension.

"So...yer friend...he couldn't have gotten far, point me in the direction he ran off to an' I'll drag 'im back tah fix ...this." Well, I think she was going to be disappointed.

"Actually, he kinda teleported off. And seeing as he was able to do this," I waved at the front of the barn "in only a few minutes, he obviously is packing some serious juice. I don't think you'll be able to follow. He said he'd be be back to talk sometime though, so if you want I could tell him you want to talk to him?"

"Hmph, you do that. While I appreciate the...'improvements', if they are what yall said they are, the fact that 'e did this without permission jes burns mah britches."

"You...aren't wearing any pants." I deadpanned, gaining an incredulous look from both Big Mac and Applejack.

"It's a sayin'. What, ya don' have those o'er in human land?"

"I...Okay. I have no response for that. I'm just going to nod my head and say 'allright'. In the mean time, are we gonna just stand out here gabbing, or go in and take a look?" I started walking towards the door, the wonder twins following at my heels.

It was- "Big." -yes, big. Thank you Big Mac. When a guy as big as him can't help but say that, you know its darned big. The ceiling was as high as the roof had been, and I could see stairs leading up to a second floor. I also saw what looked like an elevator. Kinda like one. It was attached to a set of gears and treads set into the wall that I guess lifted and lowered it. Didn't see what it ran on though, I could only see two buttons set into the lift(the stereotypical up arrow, down arrow), and another set into the wall beside it. I hadn't gotten that good of a view of the barn before, but I could see that most of the space was empty, the meager variety of items having been secluded to a single corner. Applejack made a slight fuss about that, but both of them were for the most part floored by the new space. There actually was five floors under the barn, the first(and probably original celler) had a bunch of large barrels of what smelled like apple juice. The following four floor underneath each had a large empty space(not that surprising, they didn't exactly have time to do anything with it between the time it was made and when we looked at it.). There was a tunnel attached to the first celler, that wound its way all the way back under the main house. There was also a large minecart looking dealio with tracks going the full length of the tunnel. Guess they could use it to more easily cart stuff between the house and the barn. I guess. The weirdest part of all of this, was the lighting. The very walls seemed to emit light, but it only seemed to last as long as someone was in the area. The lights faded as we exited the tunnels(popping up from a trapdoor in the living room, scaring the stuffing out of poor old Granny Smith), and Applejack and her brother were whispering back and forth about something.

"Listen, Wade, we wanted to talk to yall bout something. " Ooh, first name basis. That couldn't be good. "The barn...we can't accept it. Thats hundreds upon thousands worth of bits of renovations. We'd like it if yall contacted yer friend, so we could work out a way to pay 'im back. It aint right to leave it as is." And with this, she stomped a hoof, a satisfied look on her mug.

"He kinda left in a hurry, can't say he'll come running. You might have to wait a while, that okay with you?" With a nod and a resolute look from her, I pulled the coin out of my pocket. She looked confused at this, so I flipped it in the air.

"Auric, I call upon you." Applejack looked at me as if I had gone crazy, until a certain agitated unicorn poked his head out of a tear in the air.

"What? Oh, you. Sorry, I don't have time to talk, did you get the folder yet?" I shook my head, and Applejack pushed past her confusion long enough to confront him.

"Are yall the one what gussied up the barn?"

"Barn? I don't...oh wait, the barn. That was a while ago. Did you like it? I liked the paint job. Some of my best work.~" He trailed off under Applejacks glare, his hooves dangling out of the hole. Kinda weird looking, seeing this guy without a lower body.

"We wanted to talk to yall bout that. We appreciate it, but we can't accept it. Not as is. We wanna know what yall want, so we can pay ya fer yer work. Thats jes the honest thing tah do."

Auric massaged his head in his hooves, then spoke. "Look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm kinda in the middle of something. I really don't have time to talk or otherwise converse on a given agreement, so I hereby claim Wade here as my beneficiary, if you want to settle this do so with him. Now, as much as I'd love to stay and chat, some Djinn have gotten the idea to set water on fire. I've got to figure out how, then how to stop it, before my tower explodes. Good day miss Apple." And just like that he popped his head back through the tear and was gone. Applejack waved a hoof through the space he had occupied, and finding no resistance she finally gave up with a huff. And then she turned back to me.

"Well then, it looks like we got some stuff to talk bout, don' we?"

Well. Shit.

~-------------------------------~

Well that was exhausting.

I am now apparently an "honorary family member", according to Applejack. I've gotten the rope paid for in full, but apparently even that wasn't enough to pay for my friends services. After going back and forth with them trying to offer me money and me saying they had done enough(I didn't do jack besides nail some boards in. This kind of attention was...unsettling.), I finally left while they said they'd 'come to an accord' and get back to me. So I managed to put that off for another day. Future me's problem, not mine.

I morphed back into Flutterbat(didn't want to cause a panic, seeing how flighty they were just from seeing a flat haired version of Annoying Pink) and was on my way to town when....well.

Q happened. FREAKING. Q. FROM GOSH BE DARNED STAR TREK. SAME VOICE. SAME ATTITUDE. Same 'PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS'. And apparently he was friends with Fluttershy.

"Oooooh Flutterbutter~." I heard trilled from behind me, the instant before I found myself being hugged upside down. "You've had some work done! Can't say I agree with the results, you look NOTHING like you did before." At this point, he was holding me at arms length, talking to my butt like it was my head. "Can't let that stop me from spending time with my bestest friend in the whole world though, that would just be petty."

"...put me down? Please?" I was starting to get woozy, the sudden blood rushing to my head.

"...Fluttershy, were you aware your plot was talking?"

"You're holding me upside down."

"No, I'M upside down, you're rightside up, also would you like a cup of tea?" He asked, handing me one over the picnic blanket I found myself sitting on.

"Ummm, I...sure." I took the cup, took a sip, and immediately regretted it. This wasn't tea, this was-

"Okay then, would you like that before or after you finish your snail mucus?" He handed me another cup, this one actually filled with TEA, and I washed the abhorrent taste from my mouth as fast as I could. "Guess that answers that question. For some reason, I couldn't find any Jade tea. So I just made some Jade tea instead." I looked up, and we were at the edge of a waterfall. Somehow. "TAKE CARE NOT TO LET THE SWATTER SNIPES GET YOU, DONT GET TOO CLOSE-" Swatter snipes? What? How the heck did I get to a waterfall? How the hell did I get to a forest? Why was I running?

"Why are we running?!?" I called to...Q. He wasn't really running, and he didn't look anything like he had on Star Trek. He had a long, almost serpentine body. He had four mismatched limbs, which he currently had tucked against his belly. Except for the lion paw, which held out an open umbrella.

"Well, I'm flying, I don't know why you're running but I assume because you are trying to not get eaten by the banglygoos." He stated in a bored, detached manner.

"What the hell are banglygoos?!!!?!??!" I yelled at the unfortunate storeclerk I found myself talking to. He was quite startled by my outburst, and took a few seconds to compose himself.

"I'm sorry ma'am, this is a coffee shop?" He pointed up behind him at a menu set into the wall. A logo denoting the horrendous title of "Pony-bucks" was in the left bottom corner. "Are you going to order anything?"

"I'll have an iced white mocha," I sighed. Maybe I was just having some sort of sleep deprived breakdown?

"This is a hardware store lady, we don't serve drinks." The burly looking pony behind the desk stated, spitting into a garbage can off to the side.

"And finally, I was hoping we could just have a nice chat about the weather or something." Q said, passing me a cookie from across the table. I found myself back at Fluttershys...hovel. House? House sounds nicer. "Except Gregory House, that fellow is just all sorts of unpleasant." he mused, sucking on a table leg. That was still attached to a table.

"I...uhhh....what?"

"Oh, he's a very unpleasant doctor. Smart, but his bedside manner could use an overhaul. Oh Stutterbutter, I missed these talks of ours!" He reached over the table and grabbed me in a privacy deprived hug once again. "Awww, your new hair extensions are so soft! Who's a pretty pony? You're a pretty pony! Come now Shybye, who's a pretty pony?" Oh hell no. I squirmed in his seemingly fluid grasp, trying to get free. "Fluttershy...am I embarrassing you?" He asked in a serious tone, before getting a huge shit eating grin on his face as he hugged me tighter, and somehow made two more hand things appear in the air and start tickling my stomach. Now if there's one thing I hate more than being touched without my permission, its being tickled. Against ones will, that is a fate worse than death. The loss of control and the feeling of unwanted sensations running over ones skin. So I started trying to escape in earnest, thrashing and jolting against his grasp. All the while trying and failing to withhold the laughs and giggles that were issuing forth unbidden from my mouth.

"Nee! haHa, Let -JURGUHR- Lemme, NYEEEhheeeeee, Lemme go!"

"Not till you say it, c'mon, who's a pretty pony, say it!"

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had tried everything I could to get away, and yet here I was. I had to say it. I literally couldn't think of anything else. My mind was blank.

"I'm a pretty pony. I'm a pretty pony! I'M A PRETTY PONY!" and just like that he stopped, dropping me on the floor.

"Thank you for the lovely time new guy. And next time you want to impersonate Fluttershy, at least try something that doesn't look like the cross between her and a bat. I mean, were you even trying?" With that and a snap of his finger/claws, he was gone.

So there I was, huffing and panting as I tried to get my body to calm down. Seeing as he saw through my morph almost immediately, the bare minimum of being punked by Q was a small price to pay. At least I was alone-

"Well." came the deadpan comment of my least favorite Rainbow Dumbass. "That was amusing. But seeing as I'm not quite sure what I just saw, I'm gonna go home and take a nice long, cold shower." RD and Fluttershy had apparently been standing, dumbstruck in the kitchen, watching that entire exchange. Rainbow Dumbass zoomed out an open window(she was two feet from the nearest door, would it have killed her to spend that extra five seconds?) , leaving me wheezing my lungs out infront of a red faced Fluttershy.

'Oh...my..."

Oh my indeed.

Comments

[DarkParable]

What did I just read... Why am I laughing? ...Halp?!

[nighters]

apple jack gonna tell twilight about the barn so that gonna not be fun later. I wonder if ponies would try to use the dimensions for there own gain? discord perfect.

[Luna-tic]

5136263 I understand, Q isn't Q he is discord, does that help?

[DarkParable]

5136283

Oh, no. I understood that... Its was more a reaction to the complete and total randomness that wouldn't be out of place in an old spice ad.

[Luna-tic]

5136295 Ok, and If you don't understand anything else tell me and I'll ask the author. ya know being a pre-reader makes that easier.

[Luna-tic]

5132676 It has been done, just for you.

[Citadel]

I have absolutely no idea what happened with Discord. No idea why he did that, my brain is full of wut? Well one message was clear I think, stay away from morphing fluttershy.

[Infinty Blade Brony]

5136370 Okay as promised
LOL!!!!
There is the lol I promised.

[DarkParable]

5136365
I understood all this, really. Its just that going from a mildly serious tone through out this fic to the explosion of random that was this chapter was jarring, hard to follow just a bit, and more than a little off putting. Granted it WAS extremely funny... But I was left scratching my head and wanting to cash in all my "Wat."

[Flutters Is Shy]

5136388
Oh, so, Discord?

[DarkParable]

5136447

Discord.

[Luna-tic]

5136460

[ThePinkShadow]

One word to describe how the randomness of this chapter can not only keep me laughing my butt off while pulling a 'lesson zero' at the same time for the sheer "What in gods name is going on?!": Discord

My mind is a mine that just exploded in a fiery display of illogical encounters and awesome displays of the strange and questionable... I like how much I hate the confusion it brings to the proverbial table of the train wreck that is my brain after the storm ended and all ideas were through out the window. If your wondering what this means... I have no idea!

[VcSaJen]

I waved my ripped and shredded shirt sleeve at them, still stained with my blood. Wonder how that worked. Guess even though my clothes morph with me, they still aren't considered genetic material or whatever.

Hm, in the books, once 'formed', it's just swapped bodies, one specific wound stayed on one specific body. I guess this improved version is reforming bodies from scratch every time instead?

[RealityCheck]

Okay COME ON. You're bending over BACKWARDS to make the protagonist both a doormat and an idiot, and Applejack into a greedy, ungrateful bitch.

[Razzy]

Discord'd.

[Frazzle2Dazzle]

Huh... Didn't know about Q.