'I Hate Ponies!'

by Scripture

Asparagus Monsters

'I Hate Ponies!'

By: Scripture

Chapter 6: Asparagus Monsters

Squawk!

“Oh my…”

Bock bock!

“…FUCKING…”

SQUEEK!

“…mouse? Really? Even mice?”

Fluttershy nodded slowly as we finally reached her serene little house on the edge of the Everfree forest. “Oh, oh yes! The meadow mice always love the grass around here, and the berries are excellent this time of year! They always do so love-“

“Yeah, ok. Mice like the area. Thanks, I- Ughhhh!” Xavier shied away from a speeding line of mice crawling by, one looking at him curiously and giving him an indefinite “Squeak!” The ‘brave’ unicorn jumped a bit at the sound and caught up to me, sticking much closer than before.

Rolling my eyes, I used my hoof to open the door, squeezing myself and Matt inside of the place. A few birds flew out at the surprise visit, causing Xavier to jump in shock. ”You even have them INside the house?!”

Fluttershy looked confused at the question and cocked her head slightly. To her, he seemed more jumpy than even SHE usually was! “Well… of course! After all, it gets awful chilly out at night and I wouldn’t want anyone catching a cold…”

Xavier couldn’t respond to that and simply stood there, dumbfounded at the thought of having critters like chipmunks and foxes literally sleeping next to you. I shook my head a little bit and placed Matt delicately on the couch in her main room. “Uhm… Fluttershy? Do you know how to treat head injuries?” I know she has SOME medical training, but does she have enough?

The yellow pegasus nodded to my relief and went into one of her spare rooms, coming out with some bandages and a first aid kit. Placing her equipment down, she looked between the two of us and smiled sweetly. “Uhm… if you don’t mind, it’s going to take a little bit to make sure that he is ok… uhm… ok?”

I nodded to confirm her statement and pointed a hoof towards the door. “If you need us, we will just hang outside, ok?” Fluttershy nodded as a familiar white bunny bounded by us, carrying two surgical masks. Xavier blanched at the sight and I rolled my eyes. “C’mon worrywart. Lets unwind a little bit and see what we can figure out… kay?” Xavier, nodding numbly, walked out with me into the fresh, clean air outside. Hopefully, I thought, it’ll relieve a bit of stress from his mind…

======================

A soft chiming rebounded across the pastry shop as Applejack slowly let herself in, checking left and right around the place. Today seemed awfully packed compared to most days, but AJ was absolutely determined to find the mare she needed.

“Hmmm… now where is that-“

“HIYA AJ!”

“GAH!”

A pink explosion erupted in front of Applejack’s gaze, nearly giving the orange mare a heart attack. A cacophony of giggles came from the pink maned and pink coated pony in front of AJ, who was bouncing about the place with a certain vigor only she could muster. AJ cocked an eyebrow and watched the party pony hop around in one place repeatedly, apparently really excited about something. “Uh… sugarcube? What's got you so-“

“Mintylock muffins!” She chirped, indicating some piping hot muffins nearby with her forehoof, nicely baked with flecks of green in them. A smell of sharp, but warm, mint hit the mare’s nostrils, which made her eyes blink a few times in mint-shock. “They are selling like hot cakes! Except not really, since they’re muffins, but still! I can’t believe that they are so popular right now and-“

“Pinkie!” The brightly colored pony stopped hopping around, but still had a huge silly grin on her face. Applejack sighed a bit and looked out into the crowd. “Hun, I see this is very good news, but can ya tell me where I can find her?”

The bakery pony giggled once again and shook her head. “AJ! The Asparagus Monster isn’t real! We already went over this a chapter ago!” The cowmare cocked an eyebrow and opened her mouth to speak, wondering what the heck she was talking about, when Pinkie Pie interrupted her before she could utter anything. “She is in the back, table five!”

AJ nodded vigorously and headed over to the table, leaving Pinkie Pie back at the counter. She shook her head a bit and chuckled, looking out into the distance at us and shrugged a bit. “What can I say everypony? She has weird fascinations with Asparagus Monsters…”

======================

“GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“JACK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKIN THING?!?!”

“I DON’T FUCKIN KNOW! RUN! NOW!”

Straight after we had exited the quaint cottage, we had heard slithering like sounds to the right of us. Curious as to what could be making such a sound, Xavier and I had the audacity to go and check up on whatever was making such a noise. After stupidly looking around a bit, we didn’t notice anything particularly out of place… that is, until the ground beneath us started moving. Several shocked moments and shouts of terror later, we had launched ourselves off of the moving piece of land to reveal that not only did we find the source of the noise, we had found a rather strange and certainly pissed off monster.

Lovely, right?

So off we ran, running around, bringing us back to the present where this plant thing is chasing us down with a certain vengeance that only it knew about. It reminded me of a green dragon, but the plant parts of its body where so overwhelming it couldn’t have been... Could it?

WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR?! I snapped at myself in my head, wondering why I had given myself a short recap of the events leading up to me and Xavier fleeing for our lives. At that moment, we were hiding ourselves in a hollow behind a tree, hovelling and sniveling in fear… along with 3 chickens, 4 bunnies, and a raccoon who also seemed to have been caught up in the action.

“Dude, what the FUCK do we do?!” Xavier whispered loudly.

“How the hell am I supposed to know?!” I whispered back angrily, trying to calm some of the animals around us. “I’ve NEVER seen anything like that! I’m just happy we were able to get away from it in-“ Suddenly, a worrisome thought crossed my mind. “SHIT! What about Matt and Fluttershy?!”

Xavier’s mouth hung low as if what I was said was complete horse crap. “F-Fluttershy…?”He latched both of his forehooves on my shoulders and looked me dead in the eye. “DUDE! SHE IS A CARTOON CHARACTER! I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS ABOUT HER! SHE CAN DIE FOR ALL I-”

“GREEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“AHHHH!”

With one swift lashing of its tail, the monster of a plant thing took out the tree we were hiding in, opening up not only the hovel we were hiding in but also uprooting the tree in the process. Xavier, me, and all the animals with us were screaming absolute bloody murder as the beast loomed over us, as if uncertain which would be the better snack.

Oh goodbye cruel cruel Equestria! I wept in my head, my eyes still wide with terror at the plant being before us. I barely knew you, but I had hoped that I might have enjoyed you a bit more before I fell victim to such a savage monster!

With a final roar and a final scream of terror from the small group of us, we watched as the creature’s head raced towards us to fill his empty stomach. My life flashed before my eyes, thinking about all I did wrong, all I did right, and what the HELL I did to deserve this!

========================

Looking around a bit, AJ finally found the pony she had been looking for and with an exasperated breath, approached the mare hastily, slightly skidding on the tile floor. “Ugh, FINALLY I found ya! I have been lookin everywhere fer ya and-“

The mare suddenly stuck up a hoof and smiled under a brimmed hat, flashing her nicely whitened teeth. “Hmmm… come about the Asparagus Monster again I see? Well, I have some new information about him if you would care to hear about it?”

“Hmmm… that’s very good news… How much is the info?” AJ arched an eyebrow quizzically at the trench coated mare, slowly taking a seat across from her.

The mysterious mare chuckled and took out a folder full of papers, placing it on the table. “Well, for this nice chunk of info, 10 bits. Very cheap for a good client like yourself… Interested at all?”

AJ put a hoof to her chin and pondered about it. “Well, 10 bits is good an’ all, but-“ Suddenly she stamped her forehooves on the table and shook her head. “Dag nabbit! I got sidetracked!” Serious now, she leaned in closer to the mare, who after taking the folder back, leaned in as well.

“Well, today just a little bit ago I found these three stallions sleeping in my orchard… After wakin one up and talkin to ‘im, I went and got Big Mac to check on the story they gave me.”AJ shook her head a bit and sighed. “Well, when we got back, they were talking about somethin… something not right… something they said they were which made me mighty curious…”

The other mare rubbed her chin slightly, taking in this information in full. “I see… and what exactly was it these stallions were a part of?”

“Well, they said they were ‘humans’ but honestly I have no clue what that-“ AJ was about to continue when she noticed the mare before her quivering slightly. Cocking an eyebrow, the cowpony tentatively poked the mare’s forehoof. “Uh, sugarcube? Y’all are shiverin a bit… is there somethin’ wrong?”

The clothed mare chuckled slightly and slowly took the worn hat off of her head, revealing her mint-green horn and blue-green mane. She smiled widely, her body shaking in anticipation, her golden eyes glistening with excitement. “No, nothing at all… Nothing whatsoever…”

===========================

"...When?"

Scritch-scritch-scritch

"Very soon. Just be patient..."

Snort

"Fine..."

A/N-

Welp. Sorry it took so long for this chapter, been vury busy as of late... It was a sudden busy i did NOT want... But, i should start to produce more and more of these chapters~ I actually am enjoying this series a lot and hope to keep going with it :)

Until the next chapter! :D

ALSO THANK YOU ANOOBUS93 FOR HELP ON THE EDITING! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Comments

[Drawdex]

LYRA!!!
I KNEW IT WAS HER!!!!!

[ArTic]

804186
MY THOUGHT AS WELL. ALSO, humans.

[Dream Searcher]

Xavier doesn't give a buck about Fluttershy!?! I'll tear his head off!!

[Scripture]

804135

Hur? where? O.o Love System of a down~ :D

[TheWingedTurret]

804314 Same

[Zytharros]

...Yeah, I like this one. This is funny!

[Scripture]

804352

lol nice XD but i mean... where did i reference them? unless that was at somebody else...

[Twisted but true]

Will fluttershy do the stare? On Matt?

[blawrg]

804382 BYOB is a system song, referred from chapter 1

[Perception Filter]

HEheh, it's LYRA TIME!

[Scripture]

804697

My experience with this BYOB thing thus far:

*looks over chapter one*

*finds it*

804679

Lol thanks very much I try, i try... but confidence aint exactly my strong suit But thanks anyways!

[Shadow Scryer]

... Called it.

[theRedBrony]

Lyra's reputation proceeds her so much, she needs not be named.

[Regret]

Lol, sorry Scripture. Reading this, I see I totally on the Shied one... oh well, my bad.

On the plus side, your almost up to 130 likes!

[Scripture]

805511

...

I KNEW I FORGOT TO DO SOMETHING FOR THE CHAPTER!

805407

Well, its about them hating on bronies... and Pokemon is majorly more accepted for any age audience then MLP honestly... At least, it is where i live

805467

[Regret]

805528 Forgot...something? what? And don't say credit... I stay in the shadows....

Speaking of which, I KNEW I WAS BEING FOLLOWED!!!!

briangervais.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Shadow-Assassin-300x300.gif

[Scripture]

805558

Uh... typing up your thanks then~

and...

ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=4918455424122968&id=5595a82c2eb3c5ad3e5280f5a1cb0bc4

[Regret]

805610
images.sodahead.com/polls/000659931/polls_nooo_2308_794410_answer_2_xlarge.jpeg
images.sodahead.com/polls/000954656/despair_motivational_xlarge.jpeg

[Scripture]

808403

Key word; was

[Scripture]

810985>>811036>>811062

ts2.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=4868870022497345&id=ac8a698fc52915766bfecc3520b08982

[iloveportalz0r]

804733
twentypercentcooler.net/data/sample/e3/ce/e3cee2996d4a4cf943b4c1475c3181de.jpg?1319060450

805467 I had to look at the comments to realize that it's her dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png

811089 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png

[Perception Filter]

811173 That is awesome.

[iloveportalz0r]

811535 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png

img.ponibooru.org/_images/93d9843dd26d197fa7ead9c38df27c07/60496.png

[Perception Filter]

811593 That is less awesome, but still awesome.

[iloveportalz0r]

811608 a.deviantart.net/avatars/t/e/tealcindeedplz.jpg

[Always Shipper6]

I tried to find the BYOB reference in chapter one...but I couldn't fine it

Oh well, back to listening to System of a Down, Disturbed, Korn, Slipknot, and other bands of that genre...does FFDP count?

Also, keep up the good work! I'm loving the story so far

[D-Bence35]

810664 Yeah, life's a bitch to me.

[Rakdar]

meh

HOW ARE YOU GUYS POSTING THOSE EMONTICONS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[Scripture]

812944

took me a bit to find myself honestly... Its in the text that Matt sends to Jack~

813155

nah its more like

814186

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

[Shiver]

811593
Oh God it's looking into my soul

[iloveportalz0r]

814186 Sorry, I don't know what an emonticon is e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png
Protip: Next time, reply to the person you're asking

815236 a.deviantart.net/avatars/i/k/ikrplz.png

[The Gargoyle]

Ye Broke the fourth wall!... Congrats
And now Lyra makes an apperance, Huzah!!!!!!!!!!!

[SuperChaosKG]

LYRA!! DAMMIT LYRA!!

[Mr AJ]

811593 Go fourth Mecha-Lyra, and destroy the abomination!!!
th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/112/f/5/____mecha_lyra______by_rainbowplasma-d4x9dgm.png

[iloveportalz0r]

890728 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png

[Halo Prime]

Awwe shit, Lyra gets into the mix!!!

[HIDEMYPAST]

Am I the only one that honestly has NO FUCKING CLUE what's going on?! D:

[Strawberry Cupcakes]

I KNEW ET ITS LYRA

[nyiff]

Pinkie: She knows to much!
Applejack: She hasn't known to much since I began seeing her!
Fluttershy: APPLEJACK IS GONNA GET IT WHEN I SEE HER NEXT!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh yesh, I forgot about Flutterrage
P.S. She must be Lyra! (She really DOES know to much )

[DarkSamus288]

I love how Pinkie knows about the fanfic. Way to break the fourth wall Pinkie!

[Husqvarnic]

804186srsly? Everyone knows Lyra knows all about humans. If they are ever involved... so is Lyra.

[SuperMarioDemon]

“AJ! The Asparagus Monster isn’t real! We already went over this a chapter ago!”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!