• Member Since 18th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 24th, 2016

Pony Leviathan


Um... Stuff?

T

200 years into the future and after a war with the zebra country. what is left of Equestria is forced to live in harsh times. And for an unlikely group of friends, it is about to get worse. Dodge Junction as grown steadily into a small community, trading, selling and buying its way into the future. The Enclave have the sky sealed up, the Steel Rangers control most of anything useful still to be found and the rest of the pony race is left to deal with not only others of their kind but the creatures of the wastes each day to survive.

Here follows a group of five mismatched ponies, each one with their own history hidden to most and tortured by the memories of their past. Ignoring past demons only slows the oncoming eventuality and something like that is never unstoppable. (On hold due to lack of motivation and inspiration...)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 7 )

You have a few spelling, grammar, and punctuation issues scattered throughout this. You might want to give your work an extra read-over before you publish it. Remember: Proofread. Proofread. Proofread.

Anyways, not a bad FoE fic by any means, but not one that will really stand out.

Good work, and keep writing.

Yay another wonderful and original Fallout Equestria(!)
Good thing too, we were running short on those(!)

“Would you rather I rip those tentacles out of your back?”

Despite having no eyes, Savage managed to give the scarred mare a grim look.

What kind of... thing is Savage? It's quite a thing to toss at the reader without further explanation.

And why are there pegasi around? Is this story set after the ending of the original FoE?

Formatting is good, although there are some errors with capitalization. Names (such as Dodge (the town) or your characters' names are always capitalized), while things like brahmin or pegasus (the races) don't have to be. The thing is, your spellchecker will mark "pegasus" as wrong because it's no official race. "Pegasus" (cap.) refers to the name of that greek-myth winged horse, and names are capitalized.

The only "problem" might be - kinda like 5020266 might have indicated - that there's nothing outstanding happening at all. And for a first chapter, this shouldn't be the case. If you want readers to stay, your first chapter should feature a plot that's interesting on its own or at least give a cliffhanger that intrigues the reader. Here, nothing significant happens and the ending is so every-day that it won't necessarily make readers want to come back for further chapters.

Final recommendation: Just think of some kind of plot-twist or something interesting to spice this first chapter up. because apart from the tension, it's a solid story.

5020539
While you are right that this might not be the most original premiss of them all (and to be fair, there are far more Stable-protagonist-fics, so it's not the most stale idea), what do you hope to achieve by writing stuff like this under the newer FoE stories? I mean, apart from people thinking you're a jerk how wants to discourage new writers, there's nothing in it for you.

Comment posted by Pony Leviathan deleted Sep 18th, 2014

Before I go ahead and critique, I'd like to go ahead and say that I did thumbs up your story and I do look forward to you writing more; and with that said, let's get on with my critique.

So, unlike most here, I didn't really read Fallout Equestria, so I don't really have something to compare this story too are far as concept, take that as you will.

Now reading this I have come upon the occasional hiccup in grammar or miss-spelling of words, but luckily they are few and far in between which is a plus. Honestly I'd chalk this up to not having an editor or a word processor with spell check but it's understandable, not everyone has that on hand at a moment's notice.

Now the setting and the characters, while I understand the setting comes from a different fanfiction from a different author, I do feel it's important that you flesh out the land a bit more. I haven't read the fanfiction that this is inspired by so there are moments where I sort of scratch my head because I can't really imagine or picture this town that well. Also I feel that even if it is inspired by another story you can deviate from the source material to make this more of your own. The characters also have their short comings, mostly from not enough time spent interacting with them and outlining who they are outside their roles in the caravan.

After that the Chapters are very short and feel like just snippets of events rather than a flowing narrative.

Now with all that said, why did I thumbs this story up? It's very simple, because it's decent. Sure it has it's short comings but it's Fan-fiction that's to be expected, and to those who compare it to the Fan-fiction it is inspired by I say, "You shouldn't expect the same quality from someone who's still very new at writing, and I don't see any actual advice being written to help this author improve other than, "Eh, it's okay, but it's no Fallout: Equestria."

Now Leviathan, I've spent a good bit of this time critique your work despite enjoying your story so I'm going to tell you what I did like.

I liked that you deviated from the normal Fallout formula of starting in a vault, I've played the games and I've read a lot of fan-fictions based on it, and it's very refreshing to see someone focus more on life born and raised in the wastes who understands the chaos of the wasteland as a part of life rather then the perspective of an outisider looking in and influencing a world in chaos.

I also enjoyed the main character Sandy, and her primary companion, Savage, who's lack of facial features like eyes and the inclusion of tentacles reminds me a lot of Slender Man or Mane, depending on which universe you're referring to. She and him have a real definite personality and while it's not entirely fleshed out on what their relationship is, I do enjoy reading how they interact.

All in all it's a decent story and with a bit of practice I feel it could become a great story. You're doing a good job and just remember it's important to practice because you do have talent.

What's going on here? Why can't I read The Darkness? What's it a crossover of, anyway?

If this is "on hold", then you should put it on hiatus.

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