• Member Since 13th May, 2014
  • offline last seen May 21st

SaiyanUltima


There really is not much to say, except I am here for the same reason I write on Fanfiction. I want to entertain you with my writing, not just detail it but make you feel that you are in the story.

Comments ( 323 )

Finally!

This is it!

No more changing the story people!

This is how it going to be throughout the entire thing, so prepare for a long progression of Cadance and Dragomir', yes his name is Slovakian, but most of all...prepare for some serious Megan Williams and Celestia dispute when the time comes.

ALL HAIL MIGHTY MEGAN!!! I'm here, author-ma'am, metaphorical red pen in hand! LET'S DO THIS!!!!

Very good! :twilightsmile:

Cant wait for more! :raritywink:

Normaly, I don't give a fav for just one chapter. There are but an exceptions when:

1) The chapter has more as 2000 words,
2) The Chapter is a good advice to the style and writing skill of the author,
3) The chapter is AWESOME!

And this one filled the criteria for that. I hope to see the second chapter soon :twilightsmile:

5041570
5041581
5041565

So it's better than all the other tries from the last few days? :trixieshiftright:

5041595

I never got the chance to read the others mostly cause I wait for more then 5 chapters then one or two. :twilightblush:

Great, I'm so glad you've decided to start writing instead of rewriting it over and over!
I look forward to futre chapters!

5041595 I just had read one of the other versions. I thought first this one was the second part of the one version I had read.

In this one happens more why it seems to be better. I personally like it mostly more when something is happening. That's why I like this one more.

But in the end, It's your decision which one you choose. :twilightsmile:

Holy shit!! :derpyderp1:

You did this babe? :rainbowderp:

Wow...I mean not like perfect...but wow on this chapter and sticking to the original.

The killing, the snuggles, and the lovestruck is gone, There is a little mystery written out, even though everyone already knows, and you only made him a little nice.

But you countered it with an anti-social personality.

Honestly I am very impressed and proud of you. This a big improvement and I am hoping to see what else you write.

And as for Megan Williams....HELL YEAH!

"My story, my idea, and I will only accept criticism of screwing up my grammar and other mistakes with my writing."

YEAH!

Love the story can't wait for the next chapter :-)

Good so far. On a side note, I always thought the alternate universe tag granted the author license to stray from the storyline that is considered "canon" . So haters check those tags and accept that your criticism of the author's vision is invalid.
More chapters please.

5041646

I don't mean haters that criticize, but the ones that hate the HIE idea, Megan Williams going to be in it, and that Dragomir' is half-dragon.

And I'm pretty sure everyone knows who daddy is. :duck:

But this is how it is going to be. And if there is no criticism, just insults...I'll delete them.

My story, my page, so I don't have to take that crap.

Nice start, keep it up, and do what you want. This is your story, not the haters.

5041553 Hope this is the one your proud of. I'm looking forward to the first and second you did (even if I personally preferred the first). Third was just annoying seeing how everyone kept complaining.....

Good luck with the story though hope no more drama from all critics about your character 's.......Love to see this story grow more!

5041595 All I can say is that I'm glad you're going with what YOU like. If you don't have fun while you're writing, you're not writing the right stuff.

I'm liking the re-write already. Great chapter and good luck :rainbowdetermined2:

I didn't get a chance to post a comment before you changed things around the first time, so I'll make sure to post one now. I'm intrigued at the concept, and look forward to see where it goes.

I've lost count on how many times I've read this. Each one was good but at the same time had it's problems. But I'm proud that you decided to stand up for yourself and stopped being pushed around by others.:twilightsmile: Since this is similar to the original, I'm enjoying it. Now that you're bringing Meghan Williams makes me wonder. Is she a ancestor to Dragomir or perhaps his mothers?:twilightoops: With him being half dragon/human does that mean Meghan got freaky with a dragon?(perhaps with the original Spike?:applejackconfused:) Thinking about this makes me a bit uncomfortable.:pinkiesick:

5042390

I'm sure a dragon king can henge into a human, or he can henge a human into a dragon.

Can't tell you though....

Great chapter, to let u know ur original chapters were fine, these comments are just criticism, do ur story ur way, that's all that matters, hope to read another chapter soon.

Much improved flow from the last time I looked. A great deal more coherent against itself. Still very rough to read but it's not like a long slide over sandpaper anymore. :pinkiecrazy:

I'll be curious to see more.

Great story waiting for more. Ps. do you know any other story with half-dragon 'cause i was able to find only one other and it has really long pause right now.

...the reason your third version failed was because you thought all the dragon exposition had to be lumped into the beginning of the story. You could have written it JUST like this, without mention of or allusion to a human half, and you would have been perfectly fine. Hell, I'm wondering now if you wrote that version the way you did because you WANTED to fail it and intentionally SABOTAGED it, because there was NO REASON to set it up like that. On top of you STILL not fixing your comma-barren grammar, and you erecting a criticism shield in your author's note...

Screw it, I give up.

My blood lust couldn't be sated
BUT WE HAVE A WINNER! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also mood ring hair will get awkward when it goes pink and dark blue

5044727

Yes, but that is going to be a little while. Still it will be funny when it shows and Cadance has to be explained about it by another.

move on with the story :ajbemused: sometimes the beginning is not always good but if it catches eyes it is good enough but what counts is what you do with the rest of the story :pinkiesmile:

Good, good. This is much better than the previous iterations for a number of reasons.

For one, the difficulties in front of the characters seem more harrowing - the problems aren't overcome just because a character faces them. You've also taken a more measured approach to the developing relationship which is probably more realistic given the circumstances. This chapter is also better about including only the information necessary to the story without tossing quite a bit of things at us just because it can.

And, most importantly, it feels more like the characters are living the story rather than being forced into actions because that's what plot points demand that they do.

Now we get to the nitty-gritty; the procedural stuff that turns average writing into good writing.

First off: Perspective.
The story starts off as third-person limited from Cadance's viewpoint. What this means is that we're sort of seeing the story as though through a camera placed on Cadance's shoulder. We see pretty much only what she does, and we get to hear her thoughts/feelings to an extent, but she's not actually the one telling the story to us.

A while later we start getting some insight into the Griffins' thoughts/feelings, and even later into Dragomir''s. Swapping characters and getting to know about all of them is known as third person omniscient because the reader ends up knowing everything. Either is fine, but you need to pick one - right now your story sort of flows back and forth between the two.

What you probably want to do is third person limited with perspective changes. You tell a scene or an event from one character's perspective, getting their thoughts and feelings, and then, when appropriate, you put a break in the story and then switch completely to a different character . So you might tell Cadance waking up from her perspective, but once she's aware of her surroundings you might tell some of the next few events from one of the griffins' viewpoint. My suggestion is to swap viewpoints only when absolutely necessary and only when a different character would be a better (more interesting) viewpoint for the scene. Personally, I think the entire first chapter should be solely from Cadance's perspective because she doesn't know what the griffins are up to, so when the first one tries to mount her we get the full brunt of her horror.

Second: Heavy-handed foreshadowing.

They were tired from all of the running and hiding, but somehow found the energy to start fulfilling their desires while the pink princess found her own energy to try and escape.

Try that is...

What this is, is showing us that something that we, given the story viewpoint, is about to happen, but won't happen quite yet. They're like in-story spoilers to events later in the story. Cadance has no idea whether her struggles will succeed or not but the story tells us that she won't, and does so essentially before she tries. You do this in a number of areas throughout the chapter - the quoted selection is just one example.

My suggestion is to simply not do this kind of thing. Don't give us information we shouldn't know (remember third-person limited perspective - don't tell us anything the character doesn't know) because, like any spoiler, it ruins the actual moment when that moment arrives. Frankly, it makes the story less exciting.

Third: Showing instead of telling.
Every story tells something to the readers, but the idea of "showing" is that you describe actions/feelings/thoughts rather than just stating what they are. For example:

Still the princess felt confused and untrusting of the male towering over her, tucking the ends around her body...

"...the princess felt confused and untrusting..." tells us how she feels. "...tucking the ends [of the blanket] around her body..." shows us how she feels. Rather than telling us that the character is a certain way, show us how it makes them behave. How would Cadance act when she's confused and untrusting in a situation like this? That kind of thing.

It's a lot of work when you're first starting because it can be difficult to really get into the character's mind, but once you do your writing will be that much more descriptive. You can be overly-descriptive though - writing too much detail - so it will probably take some practice to find the right balance in your writing.

Finally: Revise for coherency.
This one is pretty subtle because it has to do with word choices. You want sentences that plainly and effectively say what you mean for them to say. You want enough detail but not too much. You want the words themselves to make just the right amount of sense in context.

However she could not deny this touch being the first bit of care she's received in the last few days. What was worse is she could not find the willpower to push his hand off of her or request for him to stop. It was an ensnare to her fragile state, baiting her with naught but the smooth petting that trailed to her ears.

"However, she could not deny that this touch was the first bit of care she had received in the last few days. What was worse was that she could not find the willpower to brush him off or request that he stop. ..." [I honestly have no idea what you're trying to say with the last sentence.]

The entire chapter really needs one last going-over with the intent to clean up this kind of thing.

It's a matter of word choice to get the clarity you want in your writing. It can be difficult - which is why editors are so helpful - but do not skip it. Lack of care in polishing the actual writing can be just as much a turn off as badly-written plot or characterization. Even if you have editors help you out, remember that you are the writer and the editors are helping you; they're not writing the story for you.

Jex

5044455 You gave it your best try... over and over again. I guess some people just aren't meant to listen to criticism.

Ok, first off this site is full of trolls and haters. Second write what you want to write. It's your story and yours alone. I've read all three rewrites and it never really mattered to me how you went about it. Keep up the good work and I'll see you again when you update.

yeah. alright, i can work with this.

This made me really want to play Breath of Fire series again and that is not a bad thing.

yeah, i'd say your heading in the right direction with this.

How did she know he was called Dragomir He never said anything in the first chapter to her

I think she did a good job as her first time as a nurse.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/4/2/286394/large.png

Is anyone getting a Beauty and the Beast vibe with her cleaning the wound he suffered when he saved her?:rainbowhuh: Come to think of it, this story is basically Beauty and the Beast.:rainbowderp:

before he kills over

keels

I'm liking this so far (again), the pacing feels nicer now compared to before too I think.

5045117
Any chance you still have the second revision of the first chapter, where the MC was an anthropomorphic dragon?:unsuresweetie:

5090236 and it's bad because?

5092838
I didn't say that was bad, I was just asking if anyone sees the similarities?

5092915 I didn't wanted to acussate you neither i just wanted to show that inspiration come from many things and f you readed many books you are able to see much more similarities than just that (beauty and beast is just one of this easy to catch)

Great! Continue please

You're doing better with the pacing and the action. The characters are doing roughly the things I might expect. She's being helpful, he's somewhat evasive, and they're both wary of each other. They need time to get used to and figure each other out, and you're giving it to them now.

You still need practice at editing though, or need to get a good editor to help.

The care, the quick thinking, even the warm smile, it all reminded him of the person he knows is worrying about him right now. And as these pieces of her fit the mare so well...he felt some consideration of being more thankful...and an unwanted realization of what was under him.

Be careful of your tenses. In this sentence "the person he knows is worrying about him right now" is in present tense while everything else is in past tense.
You also seem to be trying too hard to be wordy. "he felt some consideration of being more thankful" reads rather awkwardly because of its forced "wordiness."

Here's how I think this passage should look:
"The care, quick thinking, and the warm smile all reminded him of someone who was probably worrying about him right now. Since the pieces of this other person fit this strange mare so well he considered whether to be more thankful, but the realization of what was under him broke him from his thoughts."

Before Dragomir' could take another step towards his home, or limp in better term, he flinched...

You still have a tendency to "beat around the bush" rather than saying what you mean to say. Don't backtrack in your writing unless it is what a character is actually thinking, or it is how they are speaking. Just write what you mean to say - it will be easier to read. This is actually very similar to what I said in my previous post about providing in-story spoilers for things about to happen in the story. Be somewhat more direct with what you're writing - giving us only what we need to enjoy the story. Any more and the story will slow down and be harder to read.

Here's how I think this passage should look:
"Before Dragomir' could limp even one step towards home he flinched in surprise as the mare's neck touched his arm and went around it."

Said human...

Refer to characters this way very sparingly, if at all. He/She or simply using the characters' names will read a lot more easily. Short descriptions can also work (such as "the mare with the pink coat"), but should generally not be used when referring to the character who is doing the things you are describing.

5090236 Yes nurse I need a sponge bath and and I got an itch I can't reach.

Interesting I can't wait to read more.

Login or register to comment