Noble and wealthy, that is commonly seen about a pony that lives in Canterlot, but for Cadance it is not what she wants. Her prince is all but a dream, until she is saved by a creature that is savage, mute, and uncouth, but kind, gentle, and caring.
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How did she know he was called Dragomir He never said anything in the first chapter to her
I think she did a good job as her first time as a nurse.
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Is anyone getting a Beauty and the Beast vibe with her cleaning the wound he suffered when he saved her? Come to think of it, this story is basically Beauty and the Beast.
keels
I'm liking this so far (again), the pacing feels nicer now compared to before too I think.
5090236 and it's bad because?
5092838
I didn't say that was bad, I was just asking if anyone sees the similarities?
5092915 I didn't wanted to acussate you neither i just wanted to show that inspiration come from many things and f you readed many books you are able to see much more similarities than just that (beauty and beast is just one of this easy to catch)
Great! Continue please
You're doing better with the pacing and the action. The characters are doing roughly the things I might expect. She's being helpful, he's somewhat evasive, and they're both wary of each other. They need time to get used to and figure each other out, and you're giving it to them now.
You still need practice at editing though, or need to get a good editor to help.
Be careful of your tenses. In this sentence "the person he knows is worrying about him right now" is in present tense while everything else is in past tense.
You also seem to be trying too hard to be wordy. "he felt some consideration of being more thankful" reads rather awkwardly because of its forced "wordiness."
Here's how I think this passage should look:
"The care, quick thinking, and the warm smile all reminded him of someone who was probably worrying about him right now. Since the pieces of this other person fit this strange mare so well he considered whether to be more thankful, but the realization of what was under him broke him from his thoughts."
You still have a tendency to "beat around the bush" rather than saying what you mean to say. Don't backtrack in your writing unless it is what a character is actually thinking, or it is how they are speaking. Just write what you mean to say - it will be easier to read. This is actually very similar to what I said in my previous post about providing in-story spoilers for things about to happen in the story. Be somewhat more direct with what you're writing - giving us only what we need to enjoy the story. Any more and the story will slow down and be harder to read.
Here's how I think this passage should look:
"Before Dragomir' could limp even one step towards home he flinched in surprise as the mare's neck touched his arm and went around it."
Refer to characters this way very sparingly, if at all. He/She or simply using the characters' names will read a lot more easily. Short descriptions can also work (such as "the mare with the pink coat"), but should generally not be used when referring to the character who is doing the things you are describing.
5090236 yea your right
5090236 Yes nurse I need a sponge bath and and I got an itch I can't reach.
Interesting I can't wait to read more.
good job man see you next chapter
ok i like it so far
stay classy
Where've you been? Gone for a month? I was really liking this.....
5518463
Sorry man. Apparently she has given up and transferred it to me. But don't worry, I'll squeeze my work into it and finish this for her.
Still love this story. New chapter please.
5840523
How does tomorrow sound?
Take all the time you need man. But tomorrow does sound nice!
5840707
Excellent, but don't expect CutieUltima on here anymore. I believe the haters got to her.
Tell CutieUltima that she started a great story and the haters can eat shit for a lifetime.
5840941
True, very true. But I think being a parent has destroyed her interest in Fimfiction. Don't get me wrong, I have the same feeling of being a parent, but I still want to at least break down a few hours of the week into writing my novel and Fimfiction.
Children will come first no matter what. Don't worry man I understand.
The word you're looking for is "keel."
I don't know what happened, the first chapter was really great and then this? It felt like the story turned 90 degrees and headed off in a different direction.
I like this, he is still giving her the silent treatment and they are not just "bam" suddenly in love.
I also like him acting a bit wild.
So I'm guessing he's half dragon & half human and humans are commen knowledge... Neet.
This story is awkward to read, and requires more time to parse than I’m willing to invest in a flight of fancy. Nothing about this has particularly interested me thus far. There’s also plenty of good advice already in the comments.
It's not the smoothest, and you just dumped his name in with no explaination, but you've attracted my attention.
8223751
Did I really dump his name in?
Seriously, did I?
8223770
This is the first paragraph, his name isn't given in the first chapter.
This character could be a completely different entity miles away, if taken out of context.
That being said how does Cadance learn his name? I think it was when his mother shouts it from the tower.
So... he went from a badass in chapter 1 to the definition of a retard. On chapter one you mention his body was full of scars yet he’s so dumb he doesn’t know how to treat a basic wound. Due to his attitude is clear that nobody help him. So how did he got the scars yet can’t cure himself and doesn’t accept help? Then his attitude is all over the place. His big, his bad, and he. Blows raspberries????? Wut, excuse me??????? Then he acts like a child ??? CRASHING HIS OWN FOOD!!! who’s this imbecile and what happens to the protagonist on the first chapter.