• Member Since 9th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 7th, 2020

dungeonguy88


I admit to being a geek. Wanted an outlet to try writing, as it seems to clear my thoughts.

T

The night shift can be kind of boring. Sure, the more experienced ponies always said boring was preferable, but Sea Breeze always liked to make her own fun. What better time to chat up her fellow bat-ponies? She was pretty sure Luna wouldn't mind.

And really, Sea Breeze kind of had a lot to talk about. Joining Luna's Night Guard had been a big change for her, and a change in the right direction at that. She was part of something now. Something she felt strongly about. Sea Breeze could admit that she wasn't perfect, but she was pretty sure that Princess Luna needed ponies like her.

And Sea Breeze was fairly sure that she had all her best ideas at night, these days. Could be helpful to get a second opinion on some of them, right?

--So, this is a short story expanding one of my more popular OCs, Sea Breeze the Bat-pony. Probably no more than three chapters, detailing the conversations she was with has with one of her fellow Night Guards, over the course of a night. Along the way, I'll also be detailing how she joined the Night Guard, among other things. This story can be enjoyed as a standalone story, but if you happen to enjoy Sea Breeze, she shows up in my other story "Diamond Tiara goes to Boot Camp". -Enjoy.-

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 38 )
Comment posted by dragon_slayer deleted Sep 17th, 2014

My own strange opinions do not prevent me from recognizing that this story has incredible potential. It is well written, hilarious, engaging, and has lovable characters. Well done so far, and keep up the good work.

Seabreeze isn't a naturally born bat pony?! :twilightoops:

You done shattered my world a bit there. :fluttershbad:

Well, I'll give it a read now. I was wondering when this one was going to pop up! :rainbowdetermined2:

P.S. Too many sentences starting off with AND in your long description. That's like a no no. xD

Well, that was a fun start. I loved the backstory, and Shade works as a good contrast to her. Too tired to type, (4:20AM BLAZE IT, Seabreeze!) but great chapter. Might wanna make a less telling long description though. My own personal opinion there.

5015151 Noted, I'll pare down the summary a bit, later today. Glad you enjoyed it.

EDIT: If you can't tell, the story summary is almost always the last thing I end up writing for any story. Doesn't always get the attention it deserves. :P

Not sure what to think of this one, dungeonguy. :applejackunsure:

The story is for the most part pretty cute, and Sea Breeze is a fun and interesting character.
However, it does still falter every now and then.
And the narrative... could honestly use some work.
For one, the perspective kinda switches between being subjective and omniscient, where as I find that going full on "subjective" would suit the story much more.
Further more, you do mess up the tenses once or twice, and the sentence structure could be a fair bit better(you do have a nasty habit of using the same word repeatedly in too quick a succession).
Finally, your commas feel out of place a lot of the time, either with superfluous commas, or missing commas.

Basically, I think this story has the potential of being pretty good, but it would need getting another pass by yourself, followed by a pass by an editor.
Feel free to send me a private message if you need more detailed advice and/or an editor ;)

~Sind

5015752 Fair enough. This little side-story isn't really one of my main stories, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be tightened up to proper standards. I'll probably be going over it this evening, and I'll keep in mind the issues you raised when I do so.

And having someone that could properly proofread chapters, before I post them, has been something I've been on the lookout for. If you'd like to offer your assistance, it would be more than welcome. It's just too easy for things to slide beneath my notice, when I'm reviewing things my self.

5016414
Sure.
I tend to work on a case by case basis. Whenever you have a google doc ready for commenting, send me the link and I'll see if I feel like taking a look at it =P

D48

Well, Sea Breeze is absolutely adorable, and the way she plays off Star Shade is great. I am definitely looking forwards to reading more of this in the future, especially if Luna gets a bigger part (I was half way expecting Sea Breeze to hug her after the Nightmare Moon talk).

Oh man, that last line.

Nice little look into Sea Breeze's backstory.

D48

Well, Sea Breeze is still awesome and the first part was amazing, although the transformation was not anywhere near as much fun. Still, it had to happen and it was good, it was just not as much fun with Sea Breeze being so subdued due to the situation and the fact that she seems to know better than to annoy the princesses like she does with Star Shade.

Also, I found a minor error here:

The Princess of the Night have been willing to concede that point to Sea Breeze, as Luna had been rather concerned with the state of the bat-ponies in this modern era.

You used have instead of had.

Well, Sea Breeze, rules sometimes have a god intention in mind:D

5357803 Yeah, in the flashback she was still just getting used to being around royalty, and wasn't as inclined to be herself around them. Which is a fair amount of restraint on her part, as she tends to be very egalitarian, with her natural response to treat everyone the same as everyone else. In the present, she's less starstruck and also knows better that the Princesses aren't going to snap after an off-hand comment from her, and is of the mind that the Princesses would actually like a more casual relationship with some of their subjects.

And the transformation was a life-changing event despite her attempts to play-it-cool, compounded by the fact that she does have her own problems in her life, that at the time she was trying to address.

Also, thanks for pointing out the error. I'll probably be picking those out over the next couple of days.:twilightsmile:

5357957 Another important lesson for her to accept. :raritywink:

D48

5358203 Well, it sounds like we are exactly on the same page then, and I am always happy to help with catching errors. :twilightsmile:

There's nothing wrong with wanting a souvenir bucket.

Kind of like moving your leg around in ways that a pony's leg was not meant to move, but without all the broken bones. And you weren't the one moving the leg, but it seemed to be deciding where it wanted to go all on it's own.

Yikes, body horror, that's just a little bit creepy.

Sea Breeze vomited again.
“Oh, my...” Princess Celestia remarked.
Princess Luna could only heave out a heavy sigh, as she looked down upon the mess that was covering herself now.

See, clearly a need for a bucket.

Yes, I suppose technically you are obligated Sea Breeze. Either to flirt or set her up with someone who will flirt with her. If you think it would give her an ego boost, anyway, given that Princess Luna strikes me as insecure. Though be careful, making her uncomfortable might be the opposite of what your oaths call for.

That transition into a flash back felt a bit oddly placed, though.

5499433 I might do some tweaks at the transition point then, when I'm doing the last chapter.

5635794 This month, probably, after my next update to "Diamond Tiara goes to Boot Camp".

5636722
cool thanks really good story so far

*laughter*

Good chapter and also funny at the end:pinkiehappy:

yay, it's finished, now can read it.

"Uh, you see... a dragon flew by the window and just shoved part of his hoard in, saying something about letting me hold onto this for a while for him." *Carefully shoves scroll knighting her under the bed.*

Really, that was an interesting mix of heavy emotional issues and humor.

5680363 Yep, that's the contrast I was going for. Typical Sea Breeze fun, while still showing she's still someone that has to work through some of her emotional issues too.

I just finished reading.

I don't know how I came across this but I do know one thing: I so want to see more of Sea Breeze, Star Shade and Luna.

Because this is comedy gold.

5682616 Worry not. Due to sheer popularity, Sea Breeze is going to remain a part of my future writing. By extension this will include Star Shade. Luna's also going to be getting some dedicated spotlight time soon...Just realized we don't have a Luna emoji, and that makes me sad.:fluttercry:

That may be the best end to a night out drinking ever. My only question is, did Luna just assume the title, or did they really find a group of diamond dogs who crowned her King? Could have some implications for Equestrian diplomatic relations that might make it just a bit more difficult to hide the night's events from Celestia.

5684615 It's kind of fun leaving things vague, and letting everyone fill in the gaps on their own in this kind of scenario, so don't take this as being authoritative. There were no actual Diamond Dogs around, and it's just a drunken romp that ended up leading to a break-in to a museum, a pretty easy accomplishment between the two of them. They ended up swiping a couple of replica pieces, as one assumes the museums have all learned a lesson about keeping actual pieces on display, after all the times Ahuizotal probably robbed them. Luna withdraws a large amount of gems, and they spend a good portion of the night trying to bribe regular dogs around Canterlot with them to follow their new King. And eventually end up breaking into Delicacy's wealthy family's home.

That's my hypothetical scenario, to explain the events of the night. But I welcome any other ideas or speculation.

And, yeah, there's pretty good odds that Celestia going to find out everything, assuming she isn't figuring things out already. They left kind of a paper-trail during their escapades. I was actually tempted to write a short-scene at the end, with Luna and Sea Breeze trying to sneak back into the castle only to find Celestia and Star Shade waiting. But this chapter was already running pretty long.

Delicacy is such a nice foal, isn't she ?

5697330 A bit manipulative, but she's a nice filly.:scootangel:

D48

Oh god, that was great. Of course things went totally loopy like that once Sea Breeze and Luna went out clubbing. :rainbowlaugh:

5684684 That and Star Shade had a squad shadowing them to make sure everything went well so he probably saw quite a bit of what happened. :trollestia: Also, I think that extra scene might make for a fun extra chapter to tack onto the end at some point in the future because there is no way Celestia will not know most of what happened by the time she confronts Luna which will inevitably lead to some funny trolling and watching Sea Breeze try to worm her way out of trouble should also be amusing.

5769116 It didn't get mentioned in the story, as neither Sea Breeze or Luna would have realized it, but they accidentally shook off Star Shade's tails, over the course of the night. While it was a good idea in theory, tailing ponies isn't something they're all that experienced with. Meanwhile, Sea Breeze lived a good portion of her life learning how to avoid supervision, and Luna is...well, an alicorn with thousands of years of experience.

D48

5769575 That makes sense. Tailing is not trivial, and with them going into a lot of clubs there are plenty of opportunities to accidentally slip out without the tails noticing it.

Kinda lost interest when you brought up Sea Breeze sleeping around. I just stopped caring.
I tried to keep reading because this is REALLY good. But I just kept thinking back to that one point and wondering, why mention that? What does it add to her character other than she is promiscuous? Which is irrelevant to the fic.
I'm going leaves a thumbs up for how good the first chapter was, but I just wish that wasn't in the story.

7904689 It was a while since I wrote this one, so I'm not exactly in the same headspace.

But as I recall it was mostly to serve as a point of contention that Star Shade initially had against her, viewing it as unprofessional and likely to lead to interpersonal problems. Whereas with Sea Breeze it helped demonstrate a lackadaisical attitude coming into the Royal Guard that was at odds with her goal of being a different pony; not so much the part that she enjoys sex, but that she's not considering the obstacles that could arise from doing so flippantly.

Sea Breeze doesn't see a problem with people enjoying whatever they can in life, which is not itself a problem, as she usually works to avoid hurting anyone in the process. But, deep down she knows that her usual behaviors don't really lead to long-term ties or growth, which suggests that for a while she was sticking to her usual behavior despite consciously wanting to change. She was basically trying to sabotage herself without even realizing it.

On some level, both Sea Breeze and Star Shade eventually realize that she is, in a way, sabotaging herself. Eventually this leads to Star Shade to taking a more active role in trying to mentor her and curb her tendencies, as he focuses less on her habits and more on the fact that she wants to change. Meanwhile, Sea Breeze starts to move beyond being principally concerned with her own comfort, both emotionally and physically, and starts actively trying to put someone else first. This lets her focus her efforts, as she's no longer just concerned with being a better pony for her own sake, but is instead interested in taking control of her life for Luna's sake.

Again, it's been a while since I wrote this one. So, I'm not sure if I'm even interpreting my own writing entirely correctly at this point. But that's the gist of what I recall.

In short, Sea Breeze has always enjoyed sex, but knew that this lead to previous social troubles for her before. Despite wanting to change, she slipped into old habits anyway, subconsciously undermining her own efforts. She starts to realize this and starts trying to be more responsible with her personal life, with Star Shade's encouragement.

Hope that explains her character a bit more.

Of COURSE that would be what she thinks of thestrals.
And yup, that's why there's a bucket.

Now I am wondering just how accurate she was about them...
So, what do they eat?

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