Interviewing the Elements
Well, I was going to go taunt Anon villainously, but at the last moment I chickened out had a much better idea -- I decided to go find my Elements of Disharmony! I had an idea where three of them were, and with three of them I might be able to zero in on the others better.
There's an odd number of Elements of Disharmony -- seven rather than six, because six lines up neatly, whereas seven is both odd and a prime number, making it inherently less harmonious than six. They're Selfishness, Rage, Cruelty, Deception, Greed, Hatred and Arrogance -- very much not the concepts I personally think of when I think of disharmony. I'd have put a much more positive spin on the whole thing. For instance I would definitely have included Rugged Individualism. And possibly Competitive Spirit. But I'm not the one who made them; I'm just the one who gets to infuse them with power and hand them out to exemplars of these various vices to get them to go create some delicious havoc. The thing about the Elements of Disharmony is that each one, individually, has power; unlike the Elements of Harmony, where you need the full set to do anything, I could get a good bit done with just three Elements of Disharmony.
I got the Element of Arrogance back very, very easily -- it was in Canterlot, in a museum. It never ceases to amaze me how dumb Celestia is sometimes. She's been in how many wars, fought how many monsters and evil overlords and devourers of souls and of course me, and yet she just isn't paranoid enough, ever. Deep down inside she's still the filly who wanted to believe that the dragons were sincere about surrendering when -- you know what, I'm not going to finish that sentence. Nothing good comes of my thinking about those days.
The point is, Celestia is a big fat idiot sometimes. She trusts that goodness and courage and friendship will always save the day. Equestria's got no actual standing military, though the Guard was a lot larger before Anon got hold of it, and there is a militia at least, thousands of ponies across Equestria who train on weekends waiting for a call to arms that they hope will never come. As if a militia of ponies who train on weekends is going to stand up to a professional army. Of course, the fact that she controls the sun puts Celestia in a unique situation vis-à-vis the rest of the world; she's not overly afraid of military invasion because she can always hover the sun over her enemies for a few hours to demonstrate why they should not mess with her.
The thing is, Celestia is not the first to wield the sun -- Ra the Arabian alicorn in ancient Neighjypt and Amaterasu the kirin in Neighpon were two sun-wielders like Celestia, and they've both been dead a very long time. For that matter unicorns in what is now Northern Equestria and the Crystal Empire used to manage the job. Celestia's never had to deal with a sun war where another entity of similar power fights with her for control of it -- when I take over the sun, Celestia can't begin to oppose me because I'm just that much more powerful than she is, and Luna's never wanted to fight with Celestia over the sun, she just wanted the sun to go away and not come back. But part of the reason Saddle Arabia is a desert is the battle Ra had with Aten, another Arabian alicorn who managed to take over the sun for himself. So Celestia's belief that no one will ever invade Equestria because they're worried about the sun being used against them is... I'd say charmingly naïve, but I stopped being charmed by Celestia's naivete a long time ago.
All of this goes to show you why a powerful magical artifact with the power to make anypony with a little bit of pride in themselves act like an egotistical, pompous twit was sitting in a museum in Celestia's capital city, three blocks from the palace. I mean, maybe she never noticed because the unicorn nobility and wanna-bes that populate Canterlot are already egotistical, pompous twits, but that's not a good excuse for failing to notice the magic it radiates. In my day, unicorns knew how to detect chaos magic (the ones that didn't made great ten-legged hamsters), but nowadays, unicorns seem to barely be able to tell when an artifact radiates dark magic, let alone chaos magic.
It was shockingly easy to take it. I basically just walked up to the display, liquified the glass case, removed the Element, and replaced it with a facsimile that will squirt banana yogurt at any pony who handles it. Admittedly I was sort of broadcasting a "somebody else's problem" field to keep anypony from bothering to notice me or what I was doing, but really I expected more difficulties. Where was the room full of infrared lasers and explosive ordnance that I was going to have to use my fantastic flexibility and acrobatic skill to dodge my way through?
So now I have the Element of Arrogance, and a few possible candidates for who to give it to. I'm fairly certain that the Element of Greed is in the possession of a dragon way down south (really, who else would have it?) and the Element of Rage is held by the Kraken in the Mareland bay near Baltimare. They're not bearers, they're just hoarding powerful magic items. I also think the Element of Hatred is probably in the Crystal Empire but I don't think I actually want to use that one. So tomorrow I'm going to head to Baltimare to get the Element of Rage, but today I'm going to try to catch up with myself and finish telling you all about my adventures with Anon.
After I figured out that Anon had warped the world, made the Element Bearers fall in deep carnal love with him and actually altered the gender balance of Equestria to make this more plausible, created a Seventh Element for himself to wield, and so on and so forth, I decided I needed more information about my enemy. I'd spied on him, of course, but nothing could beat personal knowledge of him straight from the horses' mouths, as it were.
So I went first to honest Applejack, who was, as usual, bucking trees. Seriously, what kind of a life is that? Monday: buck trees. Tuesday: buck trees. Wednesday: buck trees. Thursday: get really wild and take apples to the marketplace, then buck trees. If I had to live a life like that, I think I'd have ended up hanging from one of those trees.
I coiled up in a tree she hadn't gotten to yet, waited until she got close, and then had the tree step backwards, out of her way, as she bucked. So her hooves, of course, hit thin air. "What in tarnation--?" That's what I love about these earthy farmer types, they're not shy to express their frustration with bowdlerized curse words.
She tried again, of course. This time I had the tree yell, "Hay! What's the big idea, lady?"
Applejack looked around herself. "What the -- who the hay was that?"
"It's me, hay for brains! I'm right here!" the tree said in the best Manehattan accent I could give it.
She stared at the tree. "Did... are you the tree talkin' to me?"
"No, I'm a giant banana. What do you think? Do I look like a big rock or something here? 'Cause I thought anyone with a brain could tell I was a tree, but apparently you're dumber than a box of pears, and that's saying something when you consider how dumb pears are."
"My apple tree. Is talkin' to me."
"Pretty sure I didn't stutter, lady."
"The hay with this. I better tell Twilight and Anon about this."
"Not so fast," I said, disappointed that I was getting such a lackluster response to my prank, and grabbed her with my tail, pulling her up into the branches to face me. "Don't you know it's rude to run off without even saying 'hi' to someone?"
"Discord! I mighta known this was your fault!" She struggled, wiggling. "Put me down right now!"
"Now, now, no need to be so hasty," I said, bouncing her up and down a bit, mostly because she was strong enough that if I didn't disorient her she might actually be able to wiggle loose from my grip. "I'm just here for some information, and then I'll be off on my way."
"Information?" She glared at me. "You ain't gonna get any!"
"By hook or by crook, I will, dear Applejack," I said, grinning broadly at her. For some reason it unnerves ponies when I do that. It might have something to do with my random collection of carnivore teeth. "After all, you wouldn't want to lie to me, would you?"
"I can keep my mouth shut without lyin' at all," Applejack retorted. "Just cause you ask a question, there ain't no reason I gotta answer you."
"And here I thought mares loved to talk about the object of their affections," I said, pressing the back of my paw to my forehead. "Oh, dear, will I ever understand the vagaries of love?"
"Of love? What the hay are you talkin' about, Discord?"
"Anon, of course! A little birdie told me that you love him, so I thought you'd be eager to tell me all about him! Isn't that what mares do when they're in love?"
"I ain't telling you a darned thing about Anon!"
"So you don't love him. Why, Applejack, you naughty filly! I never took you for the caddish playgirl type!"
"No -- that ain't what I'm sayin'! You're twistin' my words all around, Discord! Now put me down!"
I'd brought her just a trifle too close to my face, forgetting how very inventive these particular mares can be sometimes, not to mention determined. She twisted her body around in my grip and kicked me in the face. A foreleg kick isn't nearly as powerful as a backleg buck, but it's nothing to sneeze at either. My head rocked backward and I lost my grip, allowing Applejack to fall to the ground, where she immediately started running.
So I warped space, making her run straight toward me. She caught on immediately, spun around and started running in the opposite direction. We played this game for a few minutes, where she'd try to charge off and then I'd flip space around so she was running back toward me again, until finally she gave up in defeat and charged directly at me, full speed, with the obvious intent of bucking or kicking me again. This time I was prepared, though, so I turned my body into chocolate taffy and when she spun on her forelegs and bucked with her backlegs... her backlegs buried themselves deep in the taffy I was now made of.
"Let me go, you darned varmint!"
I started giggling uncontrollably. In part because the sensation of her legs stuck in my taffy abdomen was actually kind of ticklish, but mostly because she looked ridiculous, stuck to me with her back legs buried half-deep in my stomach, balancing precariously on her forelegs. "Of - of course I will!" I said, laughing. "Here, perhaps a little lubrication to help you pull free!" I summoned up a cotton candy cloud and made it rain chocolate milk directly on top of her, turning the ground to mud that her forehooves sank into. (No comments about the unoriginality, please, I already know.)
"Let me go!" she shouted again.
"Oh, dear, Applejack, you seem to have caught a bad case of repetitionitis. Are you able to say anything other than 'let me go'?"
"Of course I am! Now let me loose!"
"But I have so many questions to ask you! Tell me more, like does he have a car?"
"A what?"
Celestia and Luna know my full range of capabilities, of course, but I'd gotten the distinct impression they'd never told their little ponies everything I can do. So Applejack would be prepared to fight back against my making her a liar... not to stop me from turning her eager to share her honest opinions about everything. Increasing the trait of Honesty tends to make honest ponies happy to express themselves. "Hmmph," I said. "If you really loved this Anon, you'd be desperate to tell me all about him!"
"I do love him!"
"Prove it," I challenged. "Tell me all about him. Why do you love him, Applejack? How did he win your heart?" I looked directly into her eyes.
Her eyes didn't swirl -- they would have if I'd used brute force, but her desire to prove her love opened the door, just as her desire to preserve her friendships had the last two times, and when I'm making ponies more like themselves, it doesn't show up as if I'm hypnotizing them. Their auras brighten and turn harsh-looking, more monochromatic and sharper, the brightness wiping out shading and subtlety, but even most unicorns can't see auras unless they're trying, and a brighter aura is much less noticeable than the graying, aura-dulling effect I get when I make them into their opposites. "You'd never understand," she said, glaring behind herself. "I'll bet you've never even been in love. What would you know about how it feels to find a soulmate?"
I released her, letting her back hooves fall free of me and turning myself back into flesh. She pulled her forehooves out of the muck and turned to face me, as I knew she would. The flowery word "soulmate" told me she was under my spell, ready to spill her most honest thoughts and feelings. Applejack's actually had a much more sophisticated education than she chooses to let show, because she doesn't want to remind her family of her months as a teenage runaway living the Orange life in Manehattan. She doesn't normally perceive hiding her advanced vocabulary and educational level from other ponies as dishonest, because she sees displaying those traits as putting on airs, or so she said as a newly becutiemarked filly, returned from her adventures (remember I spied on these guys with all the meager power I had available to me in stone, from the time of Twilight's magical surge to the time I broke loose, because I knew they'd end up as the Bearers of Harmony.) Under my influence, however, the internal censor that made sure she talked like an Apple was gone, and what came out was the full Applejack. "Why would I know anything about it? I need you to tell me, Applejack. Tell me how it feels to find a soulmate. Tell me why you love him."
So she did. She waxed ecstatic for the next ten minutes or so about how strong and dependable and down-to-earth Anon was, how important family was to him now that he'd lost his (apparently he had a tragic past in which his entire family was killed in a plane accident on vacation while he'd been in college, which had in some unspecified manner led him to arrive in Equestria), how understanding and kind and determined he was, yadda yadda. When I pointed out that it hardly seemed kind and dependable for him to be the lover of six mares, she retorted that the herding had been the mares' idea, and that Anon came from a world where one man paired up with one woman, so they'd had to convince him that being with all of them at once would keep there from being jealousy or conflict between them. I've discorded too many members of herds to believe that herding actually does anything to stop jealousy; it just gives ponies motivation to suppress it.
"But aren't you in the slightest bit jealous?" I asked the Most Honest Mare In Equestria.
"I'm jealous of all my friends sometimes," she said. "Rarity's so much prettier than I am, and Rainbow's a blowhard but she's got the chops to get away with it, and Twilight's so darned smart, and Fluttershy's just so nice and Pinkie's energy never stops. Lots of times, I wish I was more like them. But I ain't jealous of Anon loving them, 'cause they're lovable. I love them. I wish I was more the kind of pony they are instead of being just some simple farmer with dirt on her hooves, but I ain't, and that's why I ain't jealous of his lovin' them too. I'm just so lucky that he loves me at all, even close to as much as he loves them, 'cause I ain't the kind of mare any fella wants to take out and treat fancy, if you get what I'm sayin'. I'm lucky anyone can love me as a mare at all. Anon's the best thing that happened to me."
Part of me thought this declaration was absolutely hilarious. But... for some reason, it saddened me as well. It's true, by pony standards of beauty Applejack was probably the least conventionally attractive of her group, but that expression "conventionally attractive" is always one I wished I could burn out of the pony psyche with molten chocolate lava or something. I'd never seen or heard any evidence that Applejack was anything other than proud of herself and happy to be exactly who she was, and as I said, I've been spying on her and the other Bearers for most of their lives. She's not my type -- it's hard to imagine a less chaotic pony, even Pinkie's rock-obsessed sister generates chaos by being so unbearably monomaniacal about a subject that bores everyone that it's unusual and disturbing to ponies -- but I'd always respected her for being exactly who she was and proud of it, even if there were a good number of ponies who'd look down on her for it.
Either she'd been hiding this kind of insecurity her entire life and my spell had brought it out of her... or Anon had warped her. I didn't know which, but... it bothered me to feel this way, ponies are my playthings and the Bearers are my enemies, I shouldn't feel any kind of sympathy for any of them... and yet I did. For... personal reasons, it bothers me when a pony who's different from the norm expected for ponies, or the norm expected by any particular group of ponies, is ashamed of that difference. There are ponies who should definitely be ashamed of who and what they are, because they're pompous twits or hypocritical boremasters or pretentious artsoids, but Applejack is not one of them.
My original plan had been to find a weakness, an insecurity and work on that to increase the disharmony between her and the other Bearers. But I couldn't do it. This particular insecurity bothered me. I couldn't bring myself to make a pony less proud of the differences between herself and other ponies. I told myself I was going soft (I'm still telling myself this, in fact), but it didn't change how I felt, and, well, chaos is all about going with your whims and doing what you feel like doing, and I didn't feel like making this particular bugaboo of Applejack's worse. So I didn't. I wiped her memory of the conversation, instead. (Memory's not a personality trait, but I can affect it as easily as I affect personalities, at least for the first twenty minutes or so after an event I don't want ponies to remember takes place. After that I can't neatly erase a given memory, and attempts to do so usually lead ponies to end up with giant holes in their recollection, large enough for parents, best friends, or the taste of lemonade to fall into.)
I left her confused and alone, standing in chocolatey mud, apparently trying to remember what she'd just been doing, and went off to find Rarity.
Rarity had closed up shop and was in the middle of making... something... I think it was an outfit, though honestly it looked to me more like a parade float. Her sister was at school, her front door was locked, and she was in a room full of ponyquins. Perfect.
"Mommy!" I made one of the ponyquins cry. "Mommy! I'm hungry, Mommy!"
Rarity looked up, startled. "What in the world--"
"Mommy, I'm bored! Can you read me a story?" another ponyquin demanded.
"Mommy, can I have cookies?"
"Mommy, I have to go to the potty!"
"Where is this coming from?" Rarity looked around herself, but of course didn't find any actual foals in her workroom. Because I didn't make them move, or give them mouths to talk with, it took her a few minutes to realize the cries were coming from the ponyquins.
Hilariously, her first conclusion was that her ponyquins were haunted, and she tried to flee the room, which was a little difficult for her because I'd turned the door into a life-size paper photograph of a door hanging on the wall, and when she used her magic to open it, it tore into shreds. Meanwhile the ponyquins were crying for "Mommy" louder and louder. Rarity backed herself against what used to be the door, sewing needles and scissors floating in the air in front of her, ready to shred an attacker to bits. Sad, really. The baby ponyquins just wanted love from their mommy, and instead she was preparing to kill them if they came near her! What a terrible mother Rarity is.
I dangled down from the ceiling and tapped Rarity on the head. She let out a shriek and fired a bolt of magic straight up at me, which I of course dodged. "Oh my!" I said. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything..."
"DISCORD!" The lungs on that mare. "What have you done?!"
"Why, what makes you think I've done anything?" I said, putting my paw over my heart. "I've just come to drop in on an old friend for a chat! I'm shocked that you think I'm up to something nefarious, after all we've meant to each other!"
"All that we've meant to each other? All you mean to me is a hideous nuisance who's ponynapped Princess Luna!"
"How soon you forget, Rarity!" I floated down from the ceiling. "I hooked you up with your last boyfriend! It's hardly my fault it didn't work out between you and Tom."
"Be quiet, you ruffian!" She started throwing things at me, such as scissors, needles, etc.
"Well, now, that's hardly ladylike behavior," I complained.
"You do not deserve ladylike behavior, you monstrous brute!"
"And here I was thinking that ladylike behavior is inherent to the lady, not to her audience. Oh, how cruelly my illusions have been shattered!" I put my taloned arm to my forehead and fell backward onto her fainting couch. She took the opportunity to send her entire arsenal at me, so I turned them all into cheese puffs and funneled them all into my mouth, chomping them down. Rarity stared at me, one eye twitching.
"You... you monstrosity! What have you done to my sewing supplies?"
"Oh, I ate them. They were delicious! Your hospitality is excellent as always, Rarity, thank you." I wiped my lips with the whatever-it-was she'd been making, getting cheese puff crumbs all over it.
Before her eyeballs exploded out of her head, I leaned forward. "But actually, I'm here for some information. I must confess, this Anon fellow of yours has me stymied. However did someone like that win the hearts of six mares? I have a hard time imagining that you would all find him attractive."
"That simply shows how little you know," Rarity huffed. "Anon is a true gentlemen, a paladin, a knight in shining armor! Not to be confused with Twilight's brother, of course, who is quite the handsome stallion, but Anon is a gem, a paragon of male beauty!"
"But he isn't even a pony," I pointed out.
"I know," Rarity said dreamily. "So exotic! And the wonders he can perform with his hands!"
This, I had to admit, rather ticked me off. "I'm exotic, and I have hands," I said crossly. "What's Anon got that I haven't got?"
Rarity glared at me. "Symmetry."
All right, she had me there. "So what's so great about symmetry anyway?"
While I'd been having this conversation with Rarity, I'd been slowly working on her, increasing her talkativity and desire to gift me with her opinions. This was actually easier than it was to do to Applejack, and didn't even require me to alter her aura much; Rarity was already a gossip who'd share her strong opinions about anyone and everything at the drop of a hat, probably after quickly dusting the hat off and complaining about how it was practically ruined now from touching the ground.
"As if you could possibly understand," Rarity sneered. "A creature like you couldn't hope to understand the appeal of someone as wonderful as Anon!"
"Then tell me," I said. "Educate me. If you think he's so wonderful, surely you can spare a few words to explain why!"
"Gladly," she said sharply, before losing her edge to that dreamy expression again. "He's so well-mannered and so caring, such a delight to be with. Why, any mare in his embrace can't help but feel as if he'd move heaven and earth to take care of her. He's so strong, but so gentle; so sweet, but so fierce in our defense. He always has a compliment or a gift for us, and he's so considerate and loving..." She shivered, a sultry smile on her face that rather annoyed me, given that I knew how little it had to do with being in my company. "And those hands, and the magnificent things he can do with them. So very splendid."
"And you don't mind sharing him with five other mares? How very generous of you."
"I..." Rarity flushed and looked away. "I confess it... sometimes... sometimes I feel unworthy of him, of my friends, because I can't quite live up to my ideals... I'm supposed to be the Element of Generosity, but there are times... there are times I do want him all to myself, and I resent that I must share him with my friends. What a terrible thing for me to think! Sometimes I feel like such a failure... I'm not truly generous at all, am I?"
It's so very interesting to make ponies want to babble their deepest, darkest secrets to me. I always get such intriguing tidbits out of it. "Of course not!" I said. "Feeling jealousy at having to share your lover is a perfectly natural, normal thing for a pony to feel! After all, you're not perfect; no pony could possibly be. I think it's positively wonderful of you that you can even share a lover at all, and keep any jealous feelings to yourself! No one could blame you for what goes on in the privacy of your own mind, after all."
"You really think so?" Rarity asked, by now deep enough under my spell that she'd forgotten I was her enemy Discord, Spirit of Disharmony, and had apparently mistaken me for a gal pal from the spa or something.
"Of course!" I said. "Besides, given what they've said about you -- oh dear, I wasn't supposed to talk about that, was I?"
Even under my influence, Rarity's finely honed instinct for gossip about herself was as sharp as usual. "What do you mean?" she asked, glaring.
"Oh, I'm sure Applejack wouldn't have meant me to share the information," I said, talons against my lips in my best impersonation of a coy ingenue. "She only shared it with me because she's so very honest; I'm sure she would prefer that I keep it in confidence."
"Did she tell you not to tell me?" Rarity demanded.
"Well... not really... it never actually came up, to tell the truth," I "admitted".
"Then there's no reason you can't tell me!" she said triumphantly.
"I... suppose you're right," I said, feigning reluctance. "Well. If the truth be told, Applejack told me... something about Anon that... oh, I really shouldn't be telling you this."
"Discord, tell me now!" Her telekinesis grabbed my head and yanked it forward so she could glare into my eyes.
"Oh, well, if you're going to be so forceful about it..." I pulled my head back. "See, Applejack was sharing some of her insecurities with me... you know how honest she is..."
Rarity blinked. "Honest or not, I cannot imagine Applejack sharing insecurities with you," she said, overlooking the fact that she just had.
"Wellll... it might have had a teeny tiny bit to do with a spell I put on her to amplify her honesty..."
"You brute!"
"Oh, make up your mind, girl, one moment I'm making her a liar and I'm a brute for doing that, and then I make her more willing to exemplify her Element and I'm a brute for doing that too? If anything I just made her more powerful against me, did you ever think of that? I mean your little lightshow only works when you're really feeling your Elements, right?"
"You... do have a point," Rarity said reluctantly. "Well, go on then, what did she tell you?"
"Well, she was saying how insecure she feels around all of you, because she feels like all of you are so much better than she is. In particular, she pointed out how much prettier than herself she feels you are, Rarity."
"Oh... but Applejack could be so beautiful if she only put some time and attention into her appearance! I'm not really all that lovely, naturally, I simply know how to make the most of what I have! Oh, I must teach Applejack some things about makeup and fashion, I'm sure I could help her to become truly stunning!"
"Oh, no need, no need!" I said. "You see, Anon helped her with her feelings by telling her that she's his second favorite of all of you... next to Twilight, of course--"
"But I always thought his favorite was Fluttershy," Rarity said weakly.
"Well, there's no way to tell if Anon was lying to Applejack or not," I said. "But what he told her when she said she thought you were more beautiful than she is, was that you're his least favorite pony. Something about being just like the stuck-up girls from his high school?"
Rarity was turning even paler than usual. "But... surely Anon couldn't have..."
"Of course, Applejack wouldn't have lied to me," I said, "but Anon could have been lying to her to make her feel better."
"Of course," Rarity said weakly, before putting a hoof to her mouth. "Except... Applejack can tell when anypony's lying..."
"But Anon's not a pony! So perhaps he can lie to her!"
Rarity was shaking her head, her face a mask of dawning horror and misery. "No... no, Applejack can tell when he's lying, too... she always knows..." She burst into tears. "Anon doesn't love me!" she wailed.
"Now, now, I'm sure he loves you," I said reassuringly. "Just because you're his least favorite of his six marefriends doesn't mean he doesn't care about you! Just not nearly as much as he cares about any of your other friends!"
"I -- I must be strong," she hiccupped, obviously trying to stop sobbing. "It's... it's his decision, not theirs... I must not be jealous of my friends' good fortune..."
"Well, if they were good friends, I'm sure they'd understand," I said. "It's certainly painful to be told the one you love loves five other mares more... seven if you count Celestia and Luna."
"He loves the princesses more than me?" Rarity wailed.
"Of course," I said. "They are the princesses, after all. But don't worry! If you want to keep the fact that you know this from your friends so they won't think you're jealous, you needn't worry about Applejack! I put a memory spell on her when we were done with our little chat, because I didn't want her to run to Anon and tell him I was in town, so she has no recollection of our conversation at all! And as long as you don't question her on the matter and reveal that you know something, she won't have any way of guessing that you feel jealous of her!"
Rarity glared at me. "And how do I know you're telling the truth?"
I put up my paws in a gesture of surrender. "You're the one who demanded I give you this information! I certainly didn't volunteer it to you, madam, and I find it quite rude of you to insinuate that I'm lying to you when you practically had to pull my fang to get me to tell you any of this!"
The anger on her face collapsed into misery again. "That's true... if you were lying you'd have just told me without my insistence... oh, why did I even ask?"
"Don't you think you have the right to know where you stand?" I said softly to her. "Rarity, all the world knows you're a magnificent mare. Not my type, of course... you're far too symmetrical." I grinned at her. "But for some reason you ponies do like this whole symmetry thing. By pony standards, you're stunning. Surely if you feel slighted by Anon, you could do better elsewhere? Isn't it better to know the truth?"
"I... I couldn't do better than Anon," she whimpered. "I'll never find a stallion as wonderful as he is..."
"I'm sure you could," I said. "If you keep your eyes open. Which you can't do if you spend all your time gazing at Anon. There's a whole world of stallions out there, girlfriend! Go on, go out there and carpe stallionem!"
"I... but it's Anon I want..."
"Well, then you might have to compete with your friends for him. Just friendly competition, of course, you're all in a herd together. It's not as if you're going to backstab them and force them out of the herd to improve your standing with Anon; after all, they're your friends."
"Of course I'm not..."
"That's right! It'll be much harder to win his love all to yourself without making them look really bad and ruining his love for them, of course, but that plan of action is right off the table because you'd never do such a thing to your friends, even if they've all betrayed you by taking the stallion, excuse me, man that you love and making him love them more than he loves you!"
"I... I have to think about this..."
"Well, of course you do. Put as much thought into it as you need to, my dear. None of it's any skin off my nose, anyway; I don't have a mare to root for in this fight. Though I must say that anyone who'd prefer a country bumpkin like Applejack to someone as sophisticated, intelligent and artistic as you are... well, honestly, I truly do think you could do better. Why, even my old friend Steve has nothing but wonderful things to say about you, and when Steve waxes ecstatic about a female, let alone a female pony... well, it's just amazing to me that no stallion has come along and swept you off your hooves yet."
"Steve?"
"Why, you know him, Steven Magnet! The river serpent? We're old pals!" We aren't. He expressed extreme displeasure when I changed the river water to chocolate syrup and attempted to attack me. Oh, dragonkind, always trying to posture draconically at me as if I were a mere dragon-pony hybrid and not the Lord of Chaos. And yes, water serpents are, essentially, dragons by any other name. I did know him well enough to know which direction his gate swings in, though, quite fabulously too if I'm not mistaken.
"I... but there are so few stallions, I'd have to share nearly any of them with their other wives..."
"Like Cup Cake shares Carrot?"
Rarity frowned at me, but it was an "I'm thinking" frown, not an unhappy frown. "That's true... Cup Cake doesn't share Carrot... except maybe with Pinkie but she's never said so one way or another..."
"Now surely you don't think you're less alluring than Cup Cake, do you?"
"Of course not!" She drew herself up in a posture of great offense. "I am much more attractive than that... little... baker!"
"That's the spirit! You go out there and be as Rarity as you can possibly be, and some stallion or other is bound to swoon at your feet! Even if you're not interested in him... you can always use him to make Anon jealous, now can't you?"
"Yes... yes, of course, I could do that..." She brightened.
"Do tell me how it all turns out, won't you? Ta-ta!"
Oh, what a marvelous day that was. And since then I do believe I've seen bits and pieces of disaffection with Anon from Rarity. I was hoping to make her turn on her friends in jealousy, but making her fall out of love with Anon might be even better -- if she starts to see him for what he is, it'll either drive a wedge between her and the rest of the Bearers, or between the Bearers and Anon, and either way will be good for me.
My next few interviews... did not go nearly so well. But I've quite exhausted myself writing about my own cleverness, Dear Reader, and since Luna's free now (that happened round about the same time as Anon chopped off my tail, and I'll get to telling you all about it, eventually), I have to be careful to get my sleep during the day. It's off to nap a bit for me, and when I get up, I'll try to finish writing about my interviews with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. Though maybe I won't write about my conversation with Fluttershy. Ever.
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Very nice
Now that's a terrible fate. There are quite a few ancient civilizations that would have spawned absolutely terrible past Anons.
5098821
Indeed. They were called "Goa'uld"
5099050
No, it's a riff on pretty much every other freakin' HiE. I don't know what "Diaries" is unless you mean "Diaries of a Madman", but the main character there has a name. "Anon", short for Anonymous, means "nameless" or "unnamed". The idea behind naming characters Anon is that they're supposed to be a standin for whoever the reader wants them to be, but it doesn't work, because the moment a character is named Anon, the fact that that is not a name is a massive blow to suspension of disbelief. Stories aren't video games.
And somehow Discord manages to be even worse when he's amplifying their elements than he is when he's reversing them. I wish that shocked me.
Each and every chapter of this is laugh-out-loud funny. I'm really looking forward to what happens next! I've got the strongest feeling that Discord is about to relate what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a Party Cannon attack...
5099039
Oh, sure, it seems like it’s all good and well now, but what is going to happen to the world when Anon Prime shows up?
5099185
What you say certainly has merit, but what we do know, because it makes no sense whatsoever to assume otherwise, is that ponies had some kind of society before Discord, where ponies competed with each other for power in various domains, because there is no reason whatsoever not to believe this and ample evidence that ponies are the kinds of beings who will do that kind of thing. Unless Discord created ponies, they existed before he came, and it is unlikely that Discord created ponies. And if ponies existed before Discord, there is no reason whatsoever to assume that they lived an idyllic but stupid life as completely egalitarian creatures who never competed with each other for anything... which is what the poster I was responding to seemed to assume they might have been.
For my personal headcanon I take the Hearth's Warming story to be roughly true, but yes, of course it doesn't have to be. We haven't seen independent evidence of any of it. There's just no reason to assume that Celestia and Luna single-handedly made ponies into beings who compete with one another for power, glory or money, because why would they even do that if it was possible to avoid it?
5098720 Nice Profile pic
5099073
I find this quite entertaining, having once attempted a 'transfigured HiE without ANY Mane Six interaction' fic and failed utterly... me, I mean. This is much more of an investive read.
I have to wonder, though... just how much of Discord's investigation is of his own will... and how much of it is "Nameless's" wish-fulfillment.
By now, Discord would normally be redeemed by Fluttershy. Twilight Sparkle would be an alicorn. Blueblood could actually show some goodness or just be silent instead of being a puppet of hate.
Protection is not an aspect of 'harmony'. By that logic, it is 'chaos' to let things happen as they would, to let others be self-sufficient. No... no harmony can be achieved when one coddles as that unknowing wretch does.
Harmony is balance, protection and destruction. Decay and recovery. Chaos and Order.
And Elements of Disharmony...? Oh.... oh Discord, you're falling hook line and sinker. Think, man. You never had such things... you never NEEDED such things.
5099073 Umm... His first name is literally Anonymous. It isn't revealed until about 2/3's of the story in but according to the narrative that is his name. ITs either Anonymous Navorone or Anonymous Navarone something.I dont remember if navarone was his middle name or first name.
5099243 And from that, so many other HiE fics spawned using the monicker 'Anonymous' as a placeholder. Discord has every right to laught at it, and from that, the writer of this story has every right or privelage to riff on this cliche.
I'd go with Bob. Bob is so damn unoriginal and cliche it's circled around by now compared to this placeholder. XD Or Robert. Again. Circled around by now, and then in a week it will circle back to gag-inducing again.
5099268 Oh i wasn't disputing that. Feel free to riff on whatever you like, its just entertainment. I was just curious as to whether or not I caught the reference correctly. Whether or not it was intended.
5099276 Ah. Okay then. *shrug of ease*
5099278 Glad we are at an agreement, alicorn Pleb.
5099281 Lol. Now that's a scary idea for a horribly executed story. Blueblood the Alicorn Prince...
... At least Anon's not an alicorn. That would really set Discord into despair.
I'm forever seeing Japan-Nippon's equestrian name transcribed as 'neighpon', but I always thought 'nippony' (nee-ponee or nippon-y) would work better with the japanese pronunciation, and keep more of the original spelling/romanization. But maybe my American/Ohio/Midwest accent is meddling with my perception on how "neigh" should sound aloud. *shrug* but seeing 'neighpon' written always makes me think more of the incendiary made famous in the Vietnam war than a Japanese inspired fantasy island populated by asiatic unicorns.
5099287 Too right, one must wonder however. Do we really have so much spare time that we are chatting in the comments section of a satirical comedy? And if so what has the world come to?
5099291 Boredom and predictability.
5099301 It would appear so. It also seems that we are having a contest on who can have the last words.
5099307 Lol. *silent, awaiting you to have the last words.
Heh, I don't know if he realizes it, but he's REALLY fucking with Anon's narrative here: Anon is going for a story where he fights Discord and saves the day, but Discord just injected romantic-tension, creating romantic drama and inadvertently buying himself time....
This is one of the few stories that deserve to be featured.
9.5/10
Oh, Discord, you're such a clever rascal! Trying to turn the Elements Bearers around this way is genius. Though I fear this whole thing will fall to pieces once the human gets wind of it; he'll probably expect the girls to immediately spill the beans about what's wrong.
Also that brightening up thing is a nice touch, a bit similar to something I came up with in a different context.
Wait. What's that?
Ahem. Don't worry, just me being silly for a bit.
Interstingly enough, I already figured out a pretty good way for Discord to defeat this guy: he's writing a story, and the characters can inject their own information into it at any time, so all Discord has to do is inject the idea that Anon needs to leave Equestria because he's destabalized the dimensions or something, perhaps simultaneously convince him that it would make for a better story anyway, and Anon will leave. Granted, he has to get out of it alive somehow...
I liked you as an author before this chapter.
Then you added Ra, then you added AMATERASU! That made you one of my favorite authors of all time.
Then you made Amaterasu a kirin. A honest to God kirin. You're my favorite author ever, of all time.
Not only you added Ra, you added Amaterasu, my favorite Japanese god, then you made her a kirin. A kirin! The best mythological creature to ever exist!
5099598
This would assume that Anon is both aware that he’s telling a story (evidence suggests this is not the case), and that Anon is actually the source of the reality warping (there is not yet evidence for or against this; see above mention: Anon Prime).
5099698
Let's just hope Discord doesn't have to deal with The Suethor.
Somebody else's problem field? Hey, I use that in my fic as well! Fellow Hitchhiker's Guide fan, eh?
Yes, the Bearers were the ones that convinced Anon to herd. Totally.
Hmm, Discord's slowly reforming himself I see? Curious. Also, laughed hard at 'What a terrible mother Rarity is'.
Symmetry. Hahaha! Also, wow Discord went hardball on Rarity.
Wonder what Wittle Woona will do.
I really like how in-depth this story is about Discord's character & deconstucting the idea of a Gary Stu or "Anon".
I'm curious as to just how much it's possible for Discord to derail the narrative that's being forced on everyone though. The story of "Anon's the Hero & Everypony loves him." has been given a sight jolt with Rarity, but will whatever force is imposing the narrative allow this? Can Discord continue to push events "Off Script" or will the force push back?
I look forward to finding out.
5099212 thanks
Actually that was a much better idea for Discord. Gary Stus have no sense of humor where being personally-taunted is concerned, and Anon is more poweful than is Discord.
I liked the Elements of Disharmony.
I also like your adaptation of the conflict between the priesthood of Ra and the cult of Aten into Pony terms.
Discord's critique of Celestia's lack of caution and over-idealism seems almost exasperated-protective. As in "If you don't stop being naive this way, someone really vicious, much worse than me, is going to destroy you through this weakness." Which totally makes sense, given their backstory.
A well-targeted insult!
I like this concept.
I personally think that Applejack is one of the most beautiful of the Mane Six, but you might be right that she isn't by Pony standards. Ponies probably like cute, delicate and refined (*) more than an honest Amazonian beauty. Me, I've always had a thing for strong females (in every sense of the word "strong"). And Applejack is both strong and sweet (which, come to think of it, fits her name).
And you may be right that her apparent smug belief in her own excellence may be hiding insecurities, even without Anon's warping of her personality. I think she's very good at inducing respect for her in others; I notice that this was even true for Discord. You very nicely showed the still-unrealized tendencies in Discord toward friendliness which in the main timeline Fluttershy would be able to use to reach him.
The Applejack interview is very sad because she manifests the sincerity of love which she would pretty much have to feel toward anyone she, in particular, loved. One of the best things about Applejack's personality is how loving she is -- you see this on the show all the time in her behavior toward her family and friends. What's more, this is not a requirement of Honesty -- one could be brutally or cruelly Honest -- Applejack chooses to be lovingly so.
She's never been shown in canon being romantically (or even sexually) attracted to anyone. It's very obvious from the rest of her personality that if she felt that way, she would only act on it if she was seriously in love, and that she would be very sincerely and deeply in love. AJ is probably the member of the Mane Six with the least inclination to "trifle" with someone -- and perhaps the most love to give to someone she did really love. So it's really sad to see her feel this way for Anon and know that it's a false emotion, induced by her power. It's a mockery of what's beautiful in her character.
I would not want to be on the receiving end of all that love turned to hatred. Though even there -- if she knew Anon was unaware of his own power, she might actually feel sorry for him. Applejack is also extremely kind, which is one of the reasons she's so lovable. I emphasized her kindness in Dragonshyness (she shows it canonically in "Dragonshy," and I added three scenes where she was being kind to Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, mostly-implied in the TV episode)
What this shows, in conjunction with Applejack's
makes it obvious that what's happening here is that each of them is being induced to perceive Anon as the realization of all their ideals of masculinity. Rarity sees a chivalric ideal (essentially, the complement to her concept of ladyhood), while Applejack sees what amounts to a male version of her own personality (interestingly, her masculine ideal is close to her brother's personality, which is one of her points of commonality with Twilight Sparkle, and for the same reason -- their brothers are both strong and admirable Ponies who were their best friends growing up).
Digression: This thought makes me wonder how Big Mac and Shining Armor would get along. My guess is that they might butt heads at first, both being very strong-willed Ponies, but that in the long run they would like one another, for essentially the same set of reasons that Applejack and Twilight Sparkle like one another. They have compatible values, and if they spent much time together would probably wind up friends.
I think I can now guess how the other members of the Mane Six will perceive Anon. Twilight will see him as smart, Pinkie Pie as fun, Rainbow Dash as awesome and Fluttershy as kind. Each of them, in short, will see her own virtues mirrored in him -- in a complementary pattern to her own. Which makes me think that Celestia will see him as responsible and Luna see him as brave.
Luna's wrath will be terrible if she figures out what's going on. I do not see Luna as taking betrayal at all lightly.
Celestia's really nice, but what may disturb her even more than the way she's been used is the way in which all Equestria has been warped to his lusts. She loves her little Ponies.
Heh, Discord basically primed Rarity like a bomb and tossed her into the melee.
Cruel, but funny -- exactly the sort of tactic I'd expect from him!
===
(*) Someone more like "Applejewel," in fact. But then, Applejewel is a complete and conscious phony. What I loved about the Applejewel scene was that it conclusively demonstrated that Applejack does, in fact, know how to play the game of false sexual signalling -- the one that Rarity plays almost as a full-time occupation. Applejack simply scorns it.
5099073
(*nods*) Unlike "Call me Ishmael" (perhaps the most famous anonymous protagonist in the history of literature), it fails because it's not an explicit pseudonym. Nor is it an in-story trick, such as Ulysses' claim to be "Nobody." It's just an inexplicable weirdness. And a disturbing one -- what sort of person is called "Anon?"
5099185
Nation-building myths are usually grounded in some reality. To take Romulus and Remus, and the myth about them which starts with Aeneas, the Etruscans really may have been influenced by immigrants from the part of Asia Minor which contained Troy (this is all part of the migrations of the Sea Peoples); and there is no reason to assume that Rome's founding did not include two brothers who fatally quarreled. I generally assume a myth to be true unless there's some reason to assume that it isn't -- for instance, I don't think Aeneas was the son of Venus because Venus is impossible, but it's quite likely that "Aeneas" was based on some noble who fled the fall of the Hittite Empire with his war-band and family, and wound up living among the Etruscans. Why not?
5099243
Ah. I only read about the first six chapters or so, so I wouldn't know that.
No, no. I hear them, the voices in my head. This isn't going to work. Something will go wrong. Even if Discord manages to trick the rest of the Elements, some deus ex machina is going to save Anon and re-brainwash the six. I can feel it.
5100117
Sensible, real people, obviously, unless you have some sort of personal grudge against my good friend, Anon Elmer Muss.
5100117 Um, Anon is male name used in Sweden, Norway and Finland. It is variant of Anund and sometimes it is used as shortening of Anonsen. So logically most of “protagonist“ of HiE fics are Swedish/Norwegian/Finnish...or at least of Swedish/Norwegian/Finnish descent.
The more you know!
Edit: I'm truly sorry, but in the end I couldn't resist posting this.
5099073 Actually, that's incorrect! The name "Anon" is used for tradition more than anything else.
See, way, way back in 2003, Moot, a member of the Something Awful forums, the birthplace of the oldest memes like "All Your Base" and of Let's Plays, created a website called 4chan based off of the popular Japanese message board 2chan.
Most 4chan users are anonymous posters using default name, "Anonymous". Not doing so is often frowned upon unless there is a reason for doing so, as it is often seen as calling attention to oneself. In fact, Moot has twice disabled non-anonymous posting on /b/, the most popular board and the womb of *chan culture (with average posters of appropriate maturity), the first for about two years, and the second for a few months. This has led to the Anonymous culture, best known for trolling other websites and protesting Scientology.
When posters post stories, whether true, false or probably false, they usually use the boards quote function, which turns the text green. When other people refer to them in said stories, they replace their names with Anon, to protect their privacy.
This leads us to the /mlp/ board, where Anonymous In Equestria was thought up. AiE stories were, at first, greentext stories where Anonymous, a personification of 4chan's collective anonymous posters. The traditional "Anonymous" usual only used in art, is depicted with green skin, a suit, and only as much of a face as is needed at the moment, but almost never has eyes. This portrayal was taken from a stock image in a poorly done local news story on Anonymous made back when they terrorized Habbo Hotel and invasion threads weren't banned from 4chan on sight. Various sub-genres were created, such as the one where Fluttershy repeatedly attempts and fails to seduce Anon.
As stories got longer and the writers better, more and more "Anon"s started to show up that were their own characters rather than the traditional Anon. Nowadays only about half of all AiE stories star protagonists recognizable as the dickish and aloof Anonymous, and few of those are very long. The name "Anon" still remains in those stories, however, as a sort of tradition.
Of course, when someone who doesn't frequent 4chan (or it's offspring) names their character Anon because humans in Equestria have to be named Anon, there's no excuse.
After the last chapter, this felt a little shorter. Probably because it was a little shorter. Regardless, I'm still patiently waiting to hear the tail story, because it sounds so grimly fascinating to me.
I fukin love how you write discord, he genuinely comes off as intelligent and devious, yet also very sympathetic despite being a dick.
I must say that the "interview" with Fluttershy, the one who reformed Discord, intrigues me the most. I hope Discord changes his mind about it.
The Aten thing happened because Akhenaten, father of Tut, decided not to worship Ra anymore. Pretty sure after he died, they went back to worshipping Ra. (Tut died young).
5103646
Yes, they did go back to worshiping Ra.
Well done conveying discord's character, I can really believe this to be him in the show. Also, thank you for railing on the seventh element bull.
5102383
I think most of the time that I've seen it on fimfiction, it is clearly not a consistent character but just the name given to the writer's human OC.
I knew the name came from the anonymity of 4chan and the growth of MLP fandom there, but I didn't know Anon was a specific recurring "character"; I thought they used the name Anon and the 2nd person narrative to give the sense that the main character could be any of the Anons reading it. This is fascinating stuff that I never knew; I'm actually quite interested in the folklore and ethnography of fannish culture, including internet culture, so this is cool shit to know. Thanks.
5099200 As I said previously, you've given a good enough explanation for me to accept, but even so, I think that this part right here is worded a bit strongly:
Perhaps it wasn't possible to avoid constructing a society from scratch. If ponies didn't have a society in the first place, then the alternative to making a society for them to live in would be to leave them to their own devices and wait/hope for them to develop their own society the hard way around, which hardly seems like a desirable option. Granted, if we view the Hearth's Warming story as accurate, there's convincing reason to believe that they might already have had a society, and as I said, I'm willing to accept that, seeing as it's pretty much a head-canon issue at that point. That being said, I don't think the "Celestia/Luna builds a society from scratch" theory deserves a blanket dismissal like "there's no reason to assume this whatsoever". That, to me, feels like a far stronger claim that needs more support before I can consider it legitimate.
5102624
Tail story was originally scheduled for next chapter, but I had to break the interviews into two chapters, so it'll be chapter 7.
There will be a scene inspired by the scene that haunted me into writing this story, but it won't be the tail and it won't be in chapter 7 (from Discord's perspective it hasn't happened yet, whereas the tail already has). I'm not sure exactly when. I have things tightly plotted through chapter 8 and then after that there's a collection of pieces that I don't quite know how they fit together yet and then the ending, which I do know.
5102319
Well, so now I know Discord doesn't know Finnish, or he wouldn't have reacted with such amusement and disbelief to Anon's name. :-) (funnily enough, over in my other universe where Discord is Q, he once tormented Twilight by turning all the books in her library to Finno-Ugric, which is one of the ancestor languages of Finnish. But Discord the native Equestrian, unlike Discord-who's-really-Q, is a polyglot, not an omniglot; there are languages he doesn't know.)
I may actually use this factoid. Thanks!
5104203
Ok, here's my problem with Celestia and Luna build a society from scratch: you assume that no society existed under Discord. But every time you put two sapient beings who share a language together, they work out between them rules of operation that they're going to follow in their interactions with each other, they develop routines and "customs". Discord would have disrupted a lot of social structures, but the only way he could have disrupted all of them would have been to make ponies incapable of communicating with each other, and there's no reason to believe he did that. We have been told that ponies were miserable when he dominated Equestria, not that ponies had no interactions with each other whatsoever.
Celestia and Luna could well have built a political structure from scratch, I find that believable. But did they invent the Running of the Leaves? The Wonderbolts? The legend of Hearts and Hooves Day? The romantic and sexual customs ponies use when approaching each other as possible mates? The lullabies mothers sing to their children? The pegasus emphasis on athletic skill and flight ability? The democratic traditions of small earth pony towns? School plays? Lending libraries? The world of high fashion?
Ponies live in a very, very complex society. It was almost certianly much less complex under Discord, but a society still existed. Under conditions of extreme environmental uncertainty it's even more important for sapient beings to work together and cooperate, and the fact that Discord would probably have destroyed any power structure obvious enough that he found it a threat meant that the necessity of working together for survival would have been balanced against the threat of being discovered by Discord to have an internal power structure... a difficulty that would have taken a lot of intelligence to navigate, but groups where no one within the group solved that conundrum are unlikely to have successfully reproduced and carried forward to the next generation. If you don't work together, in a totally unpredictable world where the shelter you built for yourself yesterday turns into chocolate and melts today, you'll die, or at least suffer enough that raising children to successful adulthood becomes damn near impossible. If you do work together in a large, stratified hierarchy like within a city-state, Discord will come wreck your shit. So ponies would have developed the kinds of strategies the oppressed always develop, to preserve as much of their culture as they could and maintain as much of a society as was possible for them.
It is pretty much impossible for Celestia and Luna to have created all pony customs, all pony social structures, all pony careers, and so forth. Most of that has to have evolved naturally in the way that cultures do. The fact that so many parts of that culture include competition and hierarchical ranking says that ponies are hierarchical creatures who compete with each other. The political structure that might have been imposed by Celestia and Luna would have had very little to do with managing the everyday lives of ordinary ponies, so ordinary ponies would have built their own society and culture, probably on the bones of whatever they were able to carry forward through the Discordian Era.
Ra is the sun god, Aten is the worship of the sun itself