Lullaby for a vampire
Streams of hot tears poured out from the mare's swollen eyes. Her long, matted pink hair was caught in her hot sobs. She was running. Running from something. Was she in the Everfree? No. The ground was misty and had rocky shards peeking out from the ground. The trees were twisty and bare. The only action programmed in her mind was to run.
She felt she had wandered so far and aimlessly that she thought the bones in her hooves would break off. She panted uncontrollably, drawing, heavy breaths into her fragile chest. The crows cawed at the helpless creature. They stared down at her lifelessly from the bare branches, their beady and demonic eyes following her. She stumbled over a shard in the dirt and fell straight down, squriming and screaming in pain. Lifting her hoof she found the shard where it pierced deep into her skin, blood streaming out.
Panicking, she began to pick at it with her teeth only causing it to crumble in her gums. She tried to get up but her body felt paralyzed. The swarm's flapping echoes bounced off the trees. The sound grew louder, at this point she let her head drop. The massive swarm covered her body with the winged animals. Some whizzed past scratching and ripping skin, most toppled over her. The biting started on her hips, legs, neck and face. The fangs began to sink deeper inside her. She was finished. Blood gushed out the bites and ripped skin. The birds flew down to pick at the flesh.
****
Fluttershy woke up. Her bunny Angel had heard Fluttershy's screams and rushed to her side to comfort her. Fluttershy then dove her head into her quilted comforter, mortified and whimpering in terror. Angel gently stroked his friend's tear-drenched mane.
"Oh... Angel, i-it was...horrifying I-I...," she forced as she wiped her eyelids.
Angel felt sorry for his only friend, he had never seen her so terrified.Suddenly a cheerful grin graced his face. He had an idea. Angel hopped off the bed, and he went all the way to the other side of the bedroom. Curious to see what this mischievous bunny was doing, Fluttershy peaked out from her sheets. Angel struggled to open an old drawer and let out a high-pitched cough as the dust filled the air.
He groaned as he dragged an object across the floor. The room was dark, after all, and it was hard for Fluttershy to make out what it was. She lifted it with her hooves. Angel sighed as he dramatically collapsed on the floor.
"Huh?" Fluttershy said as she cocked her eyebrow at this thing.
It was an old music box with its faded colors and chipped wood at the sides. She had it locked in storage for as long as she could remember. She never thought of getting rid of it.
She opened the lid with her muzzle and, to her surprise, it still worked after all that time. The music was being played halfway through its melody. The music sounded somber and yet it had some innocence to it. Her eyes became heavy as she yawned carelessly away to its pretty tune. Soon she drifted into a dreamless and peaceful sleep. She had never slept so well for many nights.
****
Fluttershy woke up, clutching on her pillow, with the box still in hoof. A puddle of drool sat on the pillow case. She rubbed her eyes open and stretched her hind legs across the bed. She got up and placed the music box on her nightstand and went off to start her morning with some breakfast. She had fallen asleep so suddenly that she forgot all about her nightmare. All her critters were already up waiting for their meal to be served.
"Alright, my little friends; time to eat!" Fluttershy exclaimed happily.
Now all the other animals grew really anxious as Fluttershy poured the food into assorted bowls. All of them bunched up against each other at the rims of the bowls. She then set a bowl for herself next to the other animals and poured some oatmeal in it. Still pouring, her eyes wandered out the window at a ripe, red and juicy-looking apple, just hanging there all by itself on its branch. Fluttershy's eyes grew wide. She licked her lips with a sudden desire to just sink her teeth in the apple's sweet, delicious core. She yearned to suck the apple dry of every drop inside as saliva dripped from her mouth.
Fluttershy shook her head hard until it started to spin. She looked back at her bowl piled high with oatmeal, then she looked back at the other animals to see if any of them had noticed. They were too busy with their stomachs to fill.
"I'm uh...Just gonna check the...um mail," she hesitated, "I'll be right back..." she closed the door behind her.
Cautiously, Fluttershy trotted over to her mailbox. She opened it and found a letter inside. It was from AppleJack. She ripped the envelope and read the message aloud.
"Fluttershy, I was wondering if you and the others could head on over to Sweet Apple Acres this afternoon. When the harvest is great a time 'round, the Apple family celebrates with taking half the crop for 'Apple Fest'. This festival usually happens once every few years. I need some help preparing for it and I need as much help as I can get. Getting everything ready will take a few days time though. But with all of us working together I know that we can get it done.
~ AppleJack,"
Fluttershy was torn; she had no idea what to do. She was terrified that, if she went, her old 'symptoms' would kick in while surrounded by all the apples in the orchard. But if she didn't go she feared she would end up disappointing everypony. Especially AJ, who worked so hard for a perfect harvest all year. She felt her heart racing again. What would she do now? ...
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CONGRATULATIONS!
Your story just won a full proofreading from me for little other reason than I was bored! It's actually quite lucky you kept this chapter short, or I wouldn't have bothered to correct the whole thing. So, here you go. Enjoy!
peeking
The bones are protected by other layers which would have to break off first. (see below)
bare-foot-horses.com/images/hoofparts3.jpg
-
takingdrawing (taking breath is almost always voluntary, not reflexive as it would be in this case)- heavy breaths, (comma)
-
in and out her fragile chest(rephrase and fix prepositions -- see below)Breath goes into the chest, not in the chest. Also, she can't take or draw breaths out her chest. She has to exhale or release breath from her chest.
down, squirming (combine with a comma and no capitalization)
- Correct the preposition here. "In her skin" implies that the shard was already in her skin and it pierced it from the inside, within her. "Into her skin," on the other hand, would mean that it pierced through the surface of the skin and into the skin itself.
- skin, blood (combine with comma and no capitalization)
-
steamingstreaming"Conceal" is used when something is being hidden from someone's view, but you haven't mentioned anybody watching her. The reader has to assume that he/she is the one you're talking about. In other words, it's like saying, "The swarm concealed her body from you."
Implying that the reader is physically present in the scene like this is awkward and distracts the reader from the illusion you're trying to create for them (ruining the reader's immersion). If you only want to say that her body is completely covered in bats, then just say that instead, or use thesaurus.com to find a better word (like "enveloped").
sink
Rephrase.
"Trailed out from her sleep," means that the screams physically left her sleep via a trail or in a trail-formation.
bunny, Angel, had (commas)
Correct the preposition again. To "rush by her side" means to rush someplace while next to or by her. You probably mean "rush to her side."
- Oh... Angel (add a space)
- Angel, i-it (comma)
- Using more or less than three periods for an ellipsis, like in, "was......" is poor formatting and detracts from the look and feel of your writing (for most mature readers). Instead, you can just correct the ellipsis, "..." or add a narrative note, like, "'Angel, i-it was...' Fluttershy froze, words inadequate to describe what she felt, 'horrible!'"
face. He (new sentence)
- bed, and (comma)
-
all the way he wenthe went all the way (rephrase)- dark, after all, and (commas)
- and it was (no capitalization)
- Remove the spaces preceding the beginning of the paragraph, or at least indent every paragraph consistently throughout the chapter with the same number of spaces. Check every line since this is a problem throughout your writing.
- "Huh?" (capitalize)
its (remove apostrophe)
- Adjust the indentation to be consistent again. Check every line twice.
- and, to her surprise, it (commas)
- Using a question mark after "time?" creates a conflict between the narrative voice and the character's inner monologue. The way you have it written here, the question mark makes it read as though the narrator, you the writer, are asking the reader a question. This interrupts the reader's immersion in the story, making it hard to be fully absorbed in it. Most of the time you do well with this, but here you ought to consider rephrasing so that it's clear that the question is in Fluttershy's thoughts or else simply change the question to a statement (use a period).
- Rephrase.
This means the music from the music box was being played halfway through some other tune from an unspecified source. In other words, you're saying that the music box started playing along with some other song that had already started (halfway in).
- Also, "tune" is more applicable when you're talking about the whole song, and not just part of it. "Melody" is a better word.
- Furthermore, to say "through a melody" or "through a tune" is unclear at best. Even if you rephrased it as, "The music began halfway through a melody," it still can sound like you're talking about two different songs, one that's beginning, and another that's already reached halfway, through which the other melody is playing simultaneously. Something less wordy is called for, like, simply, "A melody started playing halfway in," or, better yet, "The box played the second half of a song."
tune. It (combine with a semicolon instead of a comma, OR start a new sentence.)
- Rephrase.
To "yawn away" means that she would have yawned several times or for an extended period of time, like, "They chatted away the evening," or, "She drank away her grief." Maybe you mean, "she yawned carelessly to the pretty melody," or something similar.
- If you changed "tune" to melody earlier, then you could chance this to "tune" instead, if you like to avoid reusing the word for any reason.
-
goodwell- Rephrase.
"She had never slept well for many nights" means that, over the course of many nights, she hadn't slept well, even once.
Center all of these consistently in your chapter. Some are centered, some indented, and some are all the way to the left. Bonus points if they line up exactly with each other nicely.
- Correct the indentation. Check every line in the chapter.
- up, clutching her pillow, with (commas) ("clutch" is transitive and needs no preposition "onto")
Rephrase.
This means that the puddle is sinking like a ship sinks in the ocean, that the puddle of drool will stop floating on the surface of the pillow case.
nightstand and (combine with no period, no comma, and no capitalization)
- Alright, my (comma)
- friends. Time (new sentence) OR friends; time (semicolon)
- to a ripe (preposition)
- juicy-looking (hyphen)
- apple, just (combine with a comma and no capitalization)
- of every drop (preposition)
- from her mouth (preposition)
- oatmeal, then (comma)
- looked back (redundant)
- noticed, but (combine with comma and no capitalization)
- busy with their own stomachs (rephrase to be less wordy)
Fix the ellipsis after "the," (only 3 periods is correct) or insert narrative pauses like I mentioned before that describe the effect you're trying to create with the periods.
- back..." She (correct elipsis and sentence fragment)
"then she closed the door behind her," is an incomplete sentence fragment. You can take out, "then," and start a new sentence, or you can combine it with the previous sentence, making it...
'she hesitated, "I'll be right back..." then she closed the door behind her.' (note the comma instead of the period after 'hesitated')
Applejack
"Fluttershy (remove space before quotation mark)
Applejack" (correct name and remove comma since it's unneeded for a block quote)
The whole letter from Applejack was very roughly grammar-ed. I'm sorry I don't have the heart to correct it.
torn; she (semicolon or new sentence)
that, if (comma)
while surrounded (more succinct)
orchard, but (combine with comma and no capitalization)
go, she (comma)
- everypony
Spellcheck won't recognize it, but this is written like the word "everybody," without a space. Also correct this in your story description.
- everypony, especially (combine with comma and no capitalization)
AJ, who (comma)
now? ... (add space after question mark and correct ellipsis)
As for the subject matter and style, beyond your need to work on grammar and punctuation, I really enjoyed the tone and flow of the writing. You seemed to put real effort into it, polishing it with spell check, and I've seen worse for grammar and punctuation. The descriptions were pleasantly rich without being overdone in most cases, making it nice to read as long as the reader doesn't get caught up on errors.
The story itself doesn't seem like a very original one, and it's a bit dark for my personal taste, but, for first times, it seems like a fun one to write, and, if you enjoy it, then that's all that really matters. Many readers do like darker things, so you'll have some interest if you keep going with it in that direction, though it will limit you a bit if you're aiming for popularity. (I don't recommend trying to get popular on your first fic, though.)
Readers who are like you will like what you write, if you write what you like.
I highly recommend finding a good writer help group, but, even with multiple volunteer editors, you'll need to try and improve over time if you want much of a readership. For now, I recommend you just enjoy what you write, and don't worry about ratings.
5025409 one word. WOW thank you so much for your feedback and I understand that you were just helping to improve it. Yes I definitely need to improve on the things you listed. I know it seems unoriginal at first but I did want to make it slower paced than the other Flutterbat fics. Eventually the story will unfold. Again, I really do appreciate your comment!
5026424 I'm really happy I could help and that you appreciate the fruits of my bored night at work. Welcome to being a fimfic writer!
How long for chapter two I wonder.......
We'll except for some grammar and punctuation here and there this story is great! A lot better then first fanfic I wrote 3-4 years ago that's for sure. I really liked how you described Angel getting the music box. Keep up the amazing work!
I like it! Keep it up!
5025389
Congrats on that. Not many would do it that detailed.
Please continue this story! You are very good at this!