• Published 22nd Sep 2014
  • 1,177 Views, 30 Comments

Carousel Designs, LLP. - Taialin



When Rarity collapses under her mountain of orders, only one pony can offer her help. Fluttershy, however, has problems that are just as dire. Perhaps they could help each other out . . .

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Appendix. Limited Partnership Agreement

LIMITED PARTNERSHIP AGREEMENT

This agreement is made the first day of the fifth week of Fall, year four of the Second Diarchy, by and between the individuals Rarity Belle, the General Partner, and Fluttershy Lepidera, the Limited Partner (hereafter collectively referred to as Partners).


1. The Partners hereto hereby agree to form a Partnership under the name and style of Carousel Designs to jointly manage, operate and develop the Partnership, and do all other lawful things as required of the Partnership to function. The principal place of business for the Partnership shall be Carousel Boutique, Ponyville, or any other place that the Partners may determine at a later date. The records of the Partnership, including this agreement, shall be kept in this location.

2. The Partnership shall commence as of the first day of the fifth week of Fall, year four of the Second Diarchy, and shall continue for a term of ten years. This term may be sooner dissolved and terminated by unanimous agreement of the Partners. Conversely, it may also be extended, up to the maximum dictated by law, by way of Amendment (see §9) to this Agreement. The financial year end of the Partnership shall be the first day of the fourth week of Fall, year four of the Second Diarchy.

3. The liability of the Limited Partner is limited to her capital commitment plus pro rata share of undistributed income in the Partnership. The Limited Partner shall have no further personal liability for debts beyond this amount. After making her full commitment of assets in the Partnership to pay debts, the Limited Partner shall not be liable for any further debts or obligations of the Partnership.

4. The General Partner shall contribute the full value of her assets, as of the time of this Agreement, to the Partnership. Fluttershy Lepidera shall contribute 7,000 bits of capital to the Partnership. The Partners may contribute additional capital to the Partnership in the form of money, property, or services at a later date.

5. The business and affairs of the Partnership shall be managed by the General Partner, acting in the best interest of the Partnership. With the exception of dissolution, as detailed in §2, the decisions and proceedings of the Partnership will be dictated solely by the General Partner, acting reasonably (see §6).

6. In the case that the General Partner is acting unreasonably, any decision, with the exception of dissolution, as detailed in §2, may be Contested, and thereby nullified, provided all Consultants and Fluttershy Lepidera unanimously agree that the General Partner is acting unreasonably. The Consultants are: HRH Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Danger Dash, Pinkamina Diane Pie, and Applejack Apple.

7. The public name of this Partnership shall be Carousel Designs, LLP. The General Partner's identity shall be public and linked to the name of the Partnership. The Limited Partner's identity shall be private, kept in the internal documents of the Partnership, and subject to the protection of the General Partner. This may be changed at a later date, by way of Amendment, as detailed in §9.

8. All net income and net loss of the Partnership must be shared between the Partners. The General Partner shall receive 67% of all allocable monies and debts, and the Limited Partner shall receive 33% of all allocable monies and debts. Under no circumstances shall the debts of the Limited Partner exceed her assets in the Partnership, as detailed in §3.

9. This Agreement may be amended by initiation of the General Partner and consent of the Limited Partner. All future Amendments are valid, and override any statement made in this Agreement. In the event that Amendments contradict each other, the latest Amendment stands.


In witness whereof the Partners hereto have executed this Agreement:

Lotus Blossom

Aloe Vera

Author's Note:

In case you're not familiar with the business terminology, LLP stands for Limited Liability Partnership. The format of this "contract" was inspired by a MaRS-published partnership sample document. You can find it here.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading! This was my first piece of creative writing in . . . well, ever.

Special thanks to Lightning Charger for prereading this fic.

Comments ( 27 )

Awesome first part :pinkiehappy:

I just finished it and it was fantastical

5040458 Thank you for reading!

I only wish it was longer, but it is amazing indeed.

5046424 I wanted to keep the story simple with only two plot points—didn't want to digress too far from my original plan. I think if I wrote any more words on those plot points, the story would have slowed down terribly. Just because the story takes place over seven days, doesn't mean I should detail every single one!

In any case, it's great you enjoyed the story!

5048576 I meant it would have been great if you continued the story further, such as having them do other business deals, go on advertising trips for a new line, etc.
A suggestion.

5052219 I've thought about that; it would certainly make for an engaging story, no? Rarity and Fluttershy could grow their business and take the fashion industry by storm! But that's another story. :raritywink:

5053295 That's exactly what I meant.
A sequel would be fascinating.

Cutie Mark Crusaders' Reciprocal Reviewing Time! YAY!

Grammar: Seven. Right off the bat, there are several issues that amateur/first-time writers make. I won't go through absolutely all of them one-by-one, but I'll provide you with a couple of examples of what I'm on about:

Could you please stop ringing and let me finish writing these stupid letters?!

Up until recently, I did this one a lot, too. Never use two pieces of punctuation together. When someone is stressed out or angry, it's better to describe in the prose how they are feeling so we get a better sense of their emotional state.

*rrrrrrrrrin—SMASH*

This isn't an RP you're doing with someone. You're telling us a story. While you certainly can use the onomatopoeic word for a sound, there's no need to put it inside asterisks as if you're describing action taking place in a chat room.

A better way of formatting this section would be to build up Rarity's increasing tension with the ringing, culminating in her smashing it (with her hoof? A nearby blunt object?). Right now, there's no sense that the *SMASH* has anything to do with Rarity 'cause you don't mention her reaching for an object, or her hoof hurting, etc.

There were a couple of capitals amiss, too.

Pros: Both the main characters are perfect. The bit where, even after Rarity has offered a thousand bits for help, Fluttershy STILL doesn't even considering offering because she doesn't think she's good enough, is very in-keeping with her personality. Rarity's drama queen antics get a good showing, but without ever seeming overboard or schtick-ish, as some authors tend to make them. Also, I'm glad you didn't go down the route of having her be jealous of Fluttershy for some cheap tension.

The plot is interesting; the reveal of Fluttershy being broke was well-done, and despite my issues mentioned in the grammar section, the build-up of Rarity's increasing tension with her job (and again, threaded through her rant during the spa section) and fickle customers was handled brilliantly.

Pacing is also very good; while I wouldn't mind it being a bit slower, the scene transitions never seem clunky, and there's always plenty happening between the two friends to keep things interesting.

Cons: Is very dialogue-heavy at times; take some time out to describe the surroundings, give us a sense of where the characters are in their environment. I know we know what Carousel Boutique looks like from the show, but never be afraid to throw in your own ideas, too. It will also give a sense of how hectic things are around there if you mention that there are bits of dresses/sewing equipment all over the place.

Partway through the second chapter, there is a scene of Rarity walking-in on Fluttershy designing some dresses based on customers' orders; I thought it would've been a good place to introduce some jeopardy, given how protective Rarity is of her work. Fluttershy was shown to be canonically a brilliant sewer, but a lousy designer, so maybe the ideas she came up with wouldn't have been horrible per se, but it might've been a good idea to have Rarity give things a once over. That way, it could also have meant a nice student/mentor dynamic built between the two.

If Fluttershy is as close to the brink as you suggest she is, it would've been nice to have seen some more of that before she starts working for Rarity. Something that makes her realise that she REALLY needs this job. Perhaps Rarity could've been considering hiring somepony else and that's the impetus that Fluttershy needs?

Notes: All in all, a very good story, especially for a first time writer. It's rather daring in its idea of Rarity and Fluttershy joining forces and becoming partners at the Boutique; it's something that could almost work in canon, too, especially if - as I mentioned - there was more of a teacher/student relationship at work with Fluttershy learning more about the design/business side in addition to the practicalities of sewing itself. The characters themselves are beautifully written, almost understated, and I can't think of too many stories where I've genuinely enjoyed Rarity as much as I have here. With the grammar bugs ironed out, and some more emphasis placed on describing actions and environments, this story could be a perfect ten no problem.

Any questions, comments or complaints, feel free to reply/note me. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Taialin deleted Sep 30th, 2014

5064132 Wow. Okay, I was not expecting that much praise. English was by far my lowest grade in high school, so it's good to know I've made strides since then.

Being, as you said, a first-time writer, I wanted to keep my first foray into writing simple. My original idea was nothing more than a "Rarity gets stressed" fic. I'm surprised enough I managed to set up two concurrent conflicts and resolve them both! I had a half-dozen other plotlines that I abandoned for the sake of simplicity. But that student-mentor dynamic you suggested is a really good idea, and now knowing I apparently can write for beans, I guess I can write in that third plotline.

About Fluttershy's dilemma: I sprinkled in a few subtle hints relating to Fluttershy's poverty in the story, including at the spa. Writing an entire scene about Fluttershy before the spa kind of introduces both conflicts at once, and that seems like too much exposition to me. You also said you liked my reveal of Fluttershy's problem. Adding another scene before that might drain some of the feels from that reveal. Plus:

Any bits I have go to food for myself or my animals . . . and I don't even have enough for that now.

That seems plenty dire to me. What do you think?

Thank you for the review!

5075729

I'm sorry, I don't know why I didn't get back to this before now. :facehoof:

You're quite right, and I was possibly being overly harsh about the suggestion of adding more plot elements; it was just something I thought you could've hinted at, but yes, for a first effort, it's usually wise to focus on a single element.

That seems plenty dire to me. What do you think?

I was thinking of a scene where she has to dig in to the Friend Fund to pay for food, and that's the final straw, so to speak. But I'm mostly just saying that as a fan of dramatising everything. There's nothing at all wrong with how you've handled things.

5113537 Don't worry about that. I did ask for people to be brutal, right? In the words of my English professor, the criticisms you like least are the most useful ones.

In any case, just wait for my next fic. Given how it's turning out now, I think it'll have waaaay too much drama for its own good:twilightoops:.

5121087

Even brutal reviews must be done with flair, otherwise they're just pointless rudeness. :pinkiegasp: Actually, I don't see the point in "brutal reviews" (unless they're for troll-fics or something equally horrible). Why can't we just have fair, balanced criticism that highlights both the good AND bad points of the story? :rainbowlaugh:

Anyway, I'm looking forward to your next story. :pinkiesmile:

I have little to say except that I find this both plausible and adorable.

5186352 Plausible and adorable, you say? Then I have accomplished my goal.:moustache:

This was great! I'm glad palaikai sent me your way. :twilightsmile: It's an interesting concept, and you delivered solidly in the execution.

5595953 Thanks a lot! It's incredibly gratifying that an author you respect respects you back.

Although, I'm not sure if his shout-out to call attention to my stories was a good idea. I mean, before, this story page was filled with happy words and bright colors . . . but now it has a creepy baby on it.

:fluttershyouch: < Fluttershy is afraid . . .

5596598
*googly eyed stare intensifies*
I don't know what you're talking about. I am a perfectly n̛ơ̢͡ŗm̶̢͟a͏l͏̵ human. There is nothing a̦̫̝̰̤͙b̶̙̪̹n̞̥̲͉͜o̸͓͈͜r҉̛̰͙̟̰̲̙͍̮̞m͎͇̦͎̱̮̺̥̱ą̧̖̫̻̹̝̬͟l̵̴͚͎͈̤̤͎̦͠ about me at all. I am most definitely not an e͖̳̦͇l̵̲̠͖̯̖̯̟d̘̲͙r̭͎̝̟i̜͉̘͉͈ṭ̷̬̥̗͔c͜h͙̤͞ ̳͟abomination. Not at all. P͈͙̞͙̣͎̫̕͢͠ḙ̡̞͍͎̥̮̗͉̮͉̖͓̫̳͚̟̜͠ŗ͏̵̩̦̥̮͓͓̯͍̻͚̞̙͓͖͕̙͔̕͟f̗͓͓͚̟͙͓͖̪̺͘͢͠e͏̺̰͈͔̯̫̲̝͉͚̮̞ͅͅc̴̸̝̳̺̪̬̠͎̗͚͙͙͖͝ͅͅt̶̴̙̗̩͈̪̙̬̲̞̞͎̹̥͎̥͚͜͡l̷҉̧̡̻̣͎̥̦̣̙̜̩̠̺̪̙͚͍̬̩y̬̹̱̼͎͙̼͓͚͇̝͘͜͜͝ͅ ̨̪̰̹̜͔̗̜̬͎̣͖̪̩̬̠́́̕n̢͡͝҉̥̯͖̜̱̭͉̼̬͍͍̹͘ͅo̵̧̺͇̗͍͉̘̳̹̥̠͍͈͍͔͕͖͘̕͢r̴̦̻͔̰̮͓̣̣̯̫͕͍̥̝̘͜͝m͏̵̴͙̘̦̺̬͚̭̤̞̥̦̕͢ͅà̶͓͙̙̱̲̺̪͖̪̥̗̥͇̘͈̣́͢͠ĺ̵̗̭̝̹̳̞͜͠ͅ.͏̸̤̗̞͇͇͖̦͇̥̰̺͖̮ͅ

And at last I read a story of yours! "Be brutal," you say? Well, I don't think there's any need for that. This story has quite an interesting premise, so that's a good start. I liked the explanation for Fluttershy's lack of money: it made sense and was believable for MLP. Actually, I liked the way you wrote Fluttershy in general; Rarity was mostly okay as well, though I didn't like her quite as much. The appendix, though not really necessary, was just the sort of thing an appendix is for, too.

Where this fic falls down is technically, which is both good and bad. The good is that it's easy to fix without changing the actual story. The bad: some of it was really distracting, enough to take me out of the story. For example, there are some lines where you don't capitalise correctly at the start of speech:

As the two friends exited the spa, Rarity called out, "gGoodbye Aloe, goodbye Lotus! Thank you!"

More seriously, there are times (eg the opening scene of chapter 2) when Rarity and Fluttershy seem to use each other's names in every other sentence. Close friends in an informal, private setting just don't do that, and unfortunately it was infuriating.

As it stands, the story is also infuriating: close to being a very enjoyable fic, but significantly harmed by those technical errors. I can see that this was your first story, so I'm not surprised by those mistakes; we've all been there! But just give this some solid editing/proofreading and, without changing any of the actual plot, it would be a significantly better story. :twilightsmile:

5614342 I wasn't expecting you of all people to review my story, but thank you very much! I've actually been reading your Louder Yay reviews for a while, and I'm honored that you'd take the time to read my story.

I completely agree with you when it comes the capitalization around quotes; I've had that error pointed out to me a couple times now. I just haven't gotten around to correcting those errors in this story because I've been too busy writing other stories. Eh, I guess I could have worse uses for my time. :twilightsheepish:

I really hope that my grammar has been getting better. Seeing as I'm making periodic blog posts about it now, the last thing I want to do is give people incorrect tips. I've actually been reading the heck out of CMOS (Chicago Manual of Style), the FiMFiction Writing Guide, and several other sources for the past few months to refine my technique. I pride myself on good grammar now, and it's kind of a hard blow to take when my own errors are pointed out to me. I mean, this story was posted before I started getting more fastidious about studying grammar, but it still sucks. As soon as I have the time, I'll correct those errors.

Your second point concerns me a bit more because I don't entirely agree with it, and I've never had it pointed out to me, either. And that means this problem is still in the stories I've written and am writing now, in all likelihood. If you could elaborate on your "names in every sentence" point some more in a PM, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you again for the review!

5614534 Actually, your other two stories are on my RiL list as well. :twilightsmile: I know I was maybe a little harsh on this one, but bearing in mind it was your debut I saw plenty of promise there. Certainly enough to make me interested in looking at some of your more recent/polished output.

Your second point concerns me a bit more because I don't entirely agree with it, and I've never had it pointed out to me, either.

Interesting; it was the thing that jumped out at me most, I think. Not that there's any reason why you should necessarily agree with me on these things, but I'll happily drop you a PM in a while.

Update: And, you know, when I was looking through the story to find examples: they don't jump out nearly as much at me now. I still think the names may be slightly overused, but not as much as I felt. As such, I withdraw that part of the criticism. My apologies. :twilightblush:

Also, this should have had a like. It's now getting one. :twilightsmile:

5963507
It's in the Author's Notes of the Appendix, and it stands for Limited Liability Partnership. More discussion about exactly what that term means for Rarity and Fluttershy can also be found there.

Awesome! Economy (along with friendship) is magic: two together can benefit more than either alone. :raritystarry::yay:

A few nitpicks I do have, though. It seems a little silly for Rarity to be able to fill out all the paperwork in between hearing the alarm clock go off for the spa visit and actually arriving there. Maybe shift that into more of a one-day timeskip?

Also, "The financial year end of the Partnership shall be the first day of the fourth week of Fall, year four of the Second Diarchy" — the year specification here seems quite unneeded. :rainbowwild: Dating things explicitly by the year of the reigning diarchs monarch diarchs is a nice touch!

6395027
This story's kinda past its sell-by date, but thank you kindly for the suggestions, and thanks for reading!

All in, this was very sweet and heartwarming.

Thank you for sharing.

This is the first time that I have ever seen business writing as an entire chapter of fanfiction. Fan authors come up with the most unique things.

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