Ponyville Public Access

by Justice3442

Mister Handy's Hand-Me-Downs

Author's Note:

Tired Old Man offers up another dose of surreal.

As sure as the summer breeze is hot, the TV static clears away once more, this time revealing an elderly green earth pony wearing a ratty beanie and a coat that's more holes than cloth. Swiss cheese would be jealous...you know, if swiss cheese had feelings.

He opens his mouth to speak, but starts with a fit of coughing. By the time he's done, a tiny bit of spittle hangs from his lip. He doesn't seem to care.

"Hello. Is there something missing from your life? Do new things scare you, frighten you, terrify you to your bones as you wish you could hold onto something, anything from the past? Anything that takes you back to those not-scary times where carts didn't have wheels, and were instead wooden drawers that didn't go anywhere unless YOU moved them?"

The scene cuts to the inside of a dingy warehouse with rusty holes in the ceiling and littered with piles and piles of stuff all over the floor, all of it covered in dust.

"Or maybe you're just looking for an odd trinket, doodad or bauble that would probably fetch a slightly better price at your local pawnshop, or to give as a birthday present to some relative of a relative that you don't really remember, but feel obligated to give them something. Well, fear no longer, my thrifty shoppers, and come on down to Mister Handy's Hand-Me-Downs.

"Everything here is either donated by the community or found discarded in old, abandoned homes, warehouses, deserted museums...you know, picking places. Whether their owners have left them behind or donated out of the kindness of their hearts, rest assured that when you walk in here, you'll find something that'll be special to someone out there. And don't forget that--"

Suddenly, the front door is bucked in as royal guards flood the front door.

"...oh buckbuckets."

"Mister Handy, hooves in the air! Now!"

Mister Handy complies, and two guards rush forward and tackle him to the ground at once.

"Mister Handy, you're under arrest!"

"OW! For what?"

"Possession of stolen contraband, tax evasion, public indecency in a fountain at the local park--”

“I was bathing for that one!”

“In front of an entire field trip’s worth of schoolchildren!”

“Well, how was I supposed to know they’d show up that day? They even took pictures!”

“...wait, they took pictures?”

“I should know. I gathered them all... Do you want to see them?” Just as Handy finishes, he starts to try and fish something out of his ratty coat pocke--

“GODS, NO! Ugh, you’re giving me a headache already.”

“Then you might want to wear a helmet,” Handy quipped with a smirk on his face. The guard blinks and taps his head, noticing it’s a bit lighter.

“You stole my helmet!"

“I didn't steal your helmet!" Handy objects through a suspiciously acquired helmet he wasn't wearing before.

"Then why is my head bare and yours adorned with shiny gold?"

Handy shrugs. An incredible feat, considering he's still under two guards yet still took the helmet. "Happenstance?"

The helmetless guard cries out, "Cuff him so he stops stealing...MY ARMOR!"

Handy, now wearing a full guard armor set, smiles sheepishly at the guard he just pilfered the set from. "Hee hee...sorry?"

"TAKE HIM AWAY!" The bare guard yells, and some of the guards at the doorway pull Mister Handy out and away from his store. Soon after, the tackling guards are the last to exit his store, but Handy's camera is still rolling.

For a few minutes, nothing happens. Then the camera shifts around in blurs of movement as it's picked up and turned around, revealing Mister Handy, still adorned in gold guard armor.

"Hi. Sorry about that. That's my fourth run-in with the guards this week, and they've been rather persistent in trying to arrest me. But I swear to you all that this is a legitimate busine--"

"OH NO! Not this time, you slimy worm!"

The camera falls to the floor, catching glimpses of Mister Handy and the bare guard in quite the scuffle!

"Gimme my armor back!"

"Gah! Stop trying to arrest me in my store, and maybe I will!"

"Everything in your store is--OW! Stolen!"

"Not all of it! Most is donated legitimate--lyyyy!" Handy cries as the bare guard finally gets a grasp on him. The bare guard drags Handy by the collar on the armor out the door, caught in one last shot by his camera.

“Don’t worry, everyone! I’ll be back soon. Buy from Mister Handy’s Hand-me-downs, where everything belongs to someone out theeeeere!”

The front door to Mister Handy’s store closes, leaving the room in silence once more.

Comments

[PixelFluttershy]

I hope you learned your lesson kids. You dont want to end like that guy

[MythrilMoth]

....wooooooooooow.

[Tired Old Man]

5054784

You know, the more people I leave stunned, mostly speechless or both, the more I'm convinced this commercial is actually crazy enough to match what Justice writes.

...nah, now that sounds crazy to me.

[Heron Brokengear]

5055135

public indecency in a fountain at the local park

I'm trying to imagine the logistics of public indecency for a species that usually forgoes clothing. All I can think of was that he was enthusiastic with his scrubbing.

[F1utt3rshy]

5080558 someone got the reference have a heart also hes a mule because he is a jackass

[Dice Warwick]

dude, you need to wright a Fallout Equestria story, seriously .

[The Dankest Meme]

I think this is my favorite chapter so far.

[LoneWolf]

Hey look Mister Handy is Stan Pines

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Swiss cheese would be jealous...you know, if swiss cheese had feelings.

This is offensive to changelings.