• Published 14th Sep 2014
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Ponyville Public Access - Justice3442



The Ponyville Public Access channel is where any and all Ponyville residents can go to advertise whatever they want or force those with a T.V. to watch their antics.

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Saturn's House of Epic Learning

Author's Note:

Today's weirdness courtesy of Iamnotarobot.

The screen flickers and it reveals a yellow unicorn stallion with a lab robe and a bowtie.

"Are we on?" He asks.

"Yup." A voice behind the camera responds.

"Hello, do you have an insatiable thirst of knowledge, wish to know more about this wonderful planet, or want to make your mama and papa happy?"

The stallion moves to the side to reveal his cutie mark, that represents a grey planet with rings, and a small building.

"I'm Saturn Eclipse and I present you... Saturn's house of epic learning!" He was rather enthusiastic.

The screen presents static and then shows Saturn inside a laboratory, with some tables with tall chairs on them, on the background there is a periodic table.

"In my institute, ponies of all ages can learn a wide variety of disciplines, here are just some examples!"

The screen presents more static for a few seconds, then Saturn appears on an open field at night with a telescope, the starred sky beautifying the view.

"Astronomy! Say goodbye to social life and friends and say hello to a map of the night sky with each and every star with name, coordinates, mass and location! Also, 'Most of my work takes place at night' is a great pick-up line!" He says with a wink.

The screen flickers and shows the scientist on a room with about five computers.

"Informatics! Learn more about this wonderful new science! Not to mention you learn another language: profanity." He says the last part under his breath.

"Here we have a lucky mare who is learning, let's see how she goes."

The camera points to the cream mare with a blue/pink mane, typing on her computer.

"How are you doing?" Saturn asks happily.

"I know how to start it, but how do I turn it off?

"Well, first you press the start button and-" Saturn is interrupted by the mare.

"No, I told you, I want to turn it off."

"I know, you press the Start button-"

"Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do."

"I did." Saturn is getting annoyed.

"When?"

"When I told you to press the Start button."

"Why should I press the Start button?"

"To shut off the computer"

"I press Start to stop."

"Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer." Saturn is getting mad.

"I knew it! So what do I press?"

"Start."

"Start what?"

"Start button." Saturn facehooves.

"Start button to do what?"

"Shut down." Saturn is angry.

"You don't have to get rude!"

"No, no, no! That's not what I meant." Saturn was is enraged.

"Then say what you mean." Bonbon was is mad too.

"To shut down the computer, press-" Saturn is interrupted again.

"Don't say 'start'!"

"Then what do you want me to say?!" Saturn yells.

"Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop."

"But that's what you do!"

"And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights."

"Don't be ridiculous." Saturn screams.

"I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation." Bonbon shouts.

"What are you talking about?!"

"I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye." Bonbon leaves.

Saturn screams his lungs out punched a computer monitor. His hoof brakes through the hardware.

More static and Saturn is now outdoors in a green field. His gray mane is uncombed and there are eye bags under his eyes.

"Zoology!" He exclaims, his enthusiasm faker than Sapphire Shores' plot.

The camera points towards a small monkey, stereotypically eating a banana.

Saturn starts getting close to it, he says:

"Aww... Such a cute little monkey..." He starts sitting down close to the primate.

"Umm... Saturn? You might not want to sit there..."

"Shut up, Telescope!" Saturn snaps.

Saturn sits down... On the monkey's tail, they both scream and the latter jumps into the former's face, biting and scratching him, the scientist leads out an ear-ripping shriek, meanwhile, a laugh can be heard from behind the camera.

"Telescope! Ahh! Telescope! Help! I'm bleeding!"

"Eventually..." He says, calmly.

"Oh gosh! I can't see out of one eye!"

"Soon..."

"Ahh! I'm bleeding from my horn!"

The camera rotates and it reveals a light gray pegasus with an azure mane and turquoise eyes, he lifts up a note that said:

My name is Telescope Lens, I’m being held against my will, if you're reading this, please send help and/or weapons

"What is that?! Oh no!" Saturn yells.

The yellow unicorn stands up, still with the monkey ripping his hair and jumps towards the camera, the lens brakes and the image screen goes black.

Finally, a poorly written message says:

You can also learn psychology, discover new things about the pony brain! Like I just discovered I am zoophobiac.