• Published 14th Sep 2014
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Ponyville Public Access - Justice3442



The Ponyville Public Access channel is where any and all Ponyville residents can go to advertise whatever they want or force those with a T.V. to watch their antics.

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Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium

Author's Note:

Today's little piece of madness comes from Tired Old Man.

The TV issues its usual sound of static, its grey screen flickering to life. Suddenly, the screen changes as a cyan pony with a rather suave black mane and wearing a wealthy-looking business suit strides out in front of a gated condominium complex.

“Hello! Were you recently kicked out of your apartment for breaking your roommate’s precious china for the tenth time this week? Have you burned your house down in a tragic baking accident trying to make the world’s spiciest crescent rolls? Or are you just down on your luck after another failed attempt at selling folk on your latest drink made of potato juice and whatever that was you found in the gutter outside the Greasy Gallon Bar?”

Some smooth, calming music begins to play in the background as the pony gestures to the complex behind him.

“WELL, dear fellow, look no further! I’m Gentle Colt, and here at Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium, we’ll take you in no matter how much life’s taken a dump on you! We’ll even take you in if you’ve literally been dumped on, crap and all! We’ll be wearing hazmat suits, though. Necessary precautions.”

The screen changes to the inside of the complex, showing a large pool and a smaller rounded pool surrounded by apartments that tower up above. The camera pans over Gentle Colt lounging on a beach chair as he points out at the pool.

“Here at Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium, we pride ourselves on a clean, peaceful environment, where your children (if applicable) can thrive in a warm, welcoming homely setting. Our pool is always clean and ‘p’-free! There’s nothing but ‘H’ in this pool during summer, if you know what I mean…”

Suddenly, the music cuts off as some mumbling can be heard from behind the camera, and Gentle Colt seems to be answering the mumbler.

“...Horses. I mean horses. That’s the ‘H’.” Then the business pony becomes quite agitated. Furious, even. “No, ‘p’ doesn’t mean ‘pony’...YES, it means that and--I’M TELLING YOU, THERE’S NO ‘P’--”

The camera cuts to the inside of one of the apartments in the condominium. The beds are neatly made, brightened by sunlight streaming through the white linen curtains. Gentle Colt is sitting on one of the beds, looking slightly winded as his dark mane appears to fray a bit on some of the hairs.

“O-Our rooms are the finest in quality. You won’t find a better place to rest your weary head after a hard day’s work.” He then lays back on the bed, seemingly enjoying the comforts of it when a spring shoots out from the mattress, penetrating the sheets and pillow, jutting out within inches of his face. Unsurprisingly, he leaps off the bed.

“What the buck?!” He screams before pointing at the camera...no, not directly at the camera. “Monty, you promised me these mattresses weren’t going to do that again! ...YES, I am docking your pay for this, you buffoon! I mean, seriously, who’s going to sleep on these now?! The sheets are ruined, it pierced the pillow AND we have to throw out the mattress, which’ll cost a small fortune and …wait, what do you mean ‘the camera is still rolling?’ WELL TURN IT OFF, YOU BUCKING MORO--”

The scene moves again to a small dining area with a few buffet trays in the back as some of the tenants are serving themselves. Smiles aren't on their faces, but Gentle wears one proudly, despite looking even more of a mess in his mane.

"We...we even have our own complimentary dining area, where a hearty breakfast is served in the morning and light snacks all throughout the evening! Just look at our wonderful tenants enjoying the food, silently eating as they savor the pleasantries of a home-cooked meal."

"Hey! You stole my hay weenies!"

"You stole them first, liar!"

Gentle turns his head back, noticing two ponies that are in an argument.

"Why did you even steal from me? The weenie tray is right in front of you!"

"I stole my weenies back from you because you saw me take them from the sweet spot on the tray! That's why you stole mine!"

"No, my weenies were in that sweet spot in the tray, but you took them first! I even marked it with my name on a cute toothpick flag!"

The other pony began munching on a weenie, holding onto a toothpick with a small bit of ripped paper on it. "What flag?"

"THAT'S IT!" Without warning, the two ponies grapple each other and break out into a wrestling match right there and now.

“Hey hey, no fighting in the dining area!” Gentle rushes over to the scuffle and tries to pull them apart, but one of the ponies grabs his tie. “Knock it of--AUUGH!” Without warning, he’s yanked into the fight, and the camera is set down on the table as Monty tries to free Gentle from the rapidly escalating scuffle, only to fall victim to the same fate as Gentle.

“DOUBLE RENT, DOUBLE R--OW! TRIPLE RENT! TRIPLE REEE--”

Finally, the scene cuts to a bit of static before showing the front desk of the condominium. Gentle Colt’s suit is in tatters, and his mane is so frazzled it looks like it’s about to fall right off. He’s also rather winded, taking deep breaths as he speaks.

“So…so...come on down...to Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium. We’ll keep...you cozy...no matter the cost.”

A pony off-camera then asks, “Gentle, where’s the ice machine? I know you’ve told me where it is about thirty times now, but I forgot again. I even forgot where I put the note you left on my door telling me where the ice machine is specifically so this doesn’t happen again, but--”

Gentle Colt turns with a crazy look in his eye as the corner of his lips twitches a bit. “Oh, it’s fine. It’s down that hall over there.”

“Where?”

“...the one you just came from.”

“So is that the one I’m looking at past you now, or--”

Gentle Colt screams and reaches for his mane. With a light tug, he pulls off his toupee and flings it offscreen. “THAT HALLWAY BEHIND YOU!”

“OH! You mean where you threw your--”

“YES! GO, BY CELESTIA’S MANE!”

“Okay then! Thanks, Gentle!”

Gentle Colt sighed. “You...you’re welcome…”