• Published 14th Sep 2014
  • 4,018 Views, 357 Comments

Ponyville Public Access - Justice3442

The Ponyville Public Access channel is where any and all Ponyville residents can go to advertise whatever they want or force those with a T.V. to watch their antics.

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Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives

The screen flicks slightly as it change to a scene of an irate gray earth pony with a short black mane. The pony sits on his haunches outside and stares at the camera. He gets up and starts walking, revealing a cutie mark that depicted three sticks of lit dynamite in a bundle.

“Alright Ponyville, you don’t like me and I despise you, so let’s dispense with the pleasantries and get down to business. Is there a do-it-yourself-project you need to get on? Somepony else’s do-it-yourself-project you want to ruin? Need to build a fence? Allergic to something in your neighbor’s garden? Against the idea of saddles on general principal?” The pony walked in front of a plain wooden building with a large sign that read ‘Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives’ with the pony’s cutie mark at the end of the sign. He continued, “Well here at Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives I have a number of tools that can be utilized to solve your problems… and explosives… Mostly explosives.”

With another flicker, Dandy is suddenly indoors sitting in front of wooden shelves full of tools and an assortment of other item with fuses. He levels a forehoof at the camera.

“Let’s face it. There comes a time, or several hundred times, in one’s life when a pony needs to take matters into their own hooves and solve their problem through liberal use of hammers and dynamite. And we have both those things. Also wood, nails, and anything else you may need to do your own home repairs… Or build a siege weapon to rain pain and death on any that might stand in your way!” The camera pans with the pony as he trots in front of a catapult. “Also… I sell catapults… So you can just buy one if you don’t feel like building it yourself…”

The screen flicks once more and Dandy is once again outside. This time in front of a red wall, he holds up what appears to be a fuse and lights it with a golden lighter. He lets go of the fuse as it hissed, the flaming end quickly consuming the fuse and heading towards the wall behind him.

“Why solve your problems through unreliable talk and reasoning when trusty explosives will make them go away in a puff of smoke…? And also fiery, loud explosion that leaves a crater with a server dozen foot diameter.”

The camera pans out revealing the wall belonged to the Ponyville schoolhouse, and the fuse runs up to a pile of explosives heaped below the schoolhouse’s bell.

Dandy turns and shakes his hoof at the bell. “Try waking me up at 8 a.m. NOW!”


There was a large explosion as the top of the schoolhouse was torn apart in the blast. The large bell flew up into the sky.

“Huh…” Spike says as he stared at the T.V. “So that’s what happened to the old school bell…”

Author's Note:

Dandy's name comes from here.

I wrote this one so the cover art would make some degree of sense...

More nonsense as I think of it (and there's one or two ideas already in the works).