Ponyville Public Access

by Justice3442

Toot Sweet

Author's Note:

Mythril Moth is not saying you should be ashamed of your body's natural functions, but he's not not saing that either.

Starlight crept slowly into the TV room, eyes wide and alert, ears twitching. "Is...is it safe?" she whispered anxiously.

From the couch, Spike gave her a sidelong glance. "It's not a minefield, you know..."

"I'm not so sure about that," Starlight replied nervously as she cast a suspicious glance at the television. "Every time I see that thing, I walk away feeling like a bomb went off in my face."

Spike rolled his eyes and snorted. "It's safe," he said. "They're just running a weather update."

"Oh! Well...okay, that's actually useful information." Starlight walked into the room and sat down. On the screen, a pegasus named Fluffy Clouds was gesturing at a chart and delineating the planned wind and rain patterns for the next week for Ponyville, Canterlot, and a few other areas. Just as Starlight had settled in, however...

"And after the break, we'll look at the cloud distribution map for the greater Canterlot area! But first, these messages."
Starlight whimpered.

The screen faded to black, then faded in again on an image of elite Canterlot model Fleur de Lis, standing on a red carpet and wearing an elegant dress, surrounded by ponies in fancy finery. Fleur smiled at the camera. "As a member of the Canterlot elite, my dietary demands are different from the day-to-day dining of most of Equestria. But when it comes to digestion, there's one thing that makes us all equal, and that's when our back cheeks squeak, so to speak."

A pony walking past her chose that moment to play a loud, flat note on a trombone. Spike faceclawed. Starlight's face fell into a disgusted grimace.

"Now I'm never one to cause a stink," Fleur continued, "and that's why I keep my elite bleats discrete by using Toot Sweet." She levitated a box from offscreen and framed it elegantly with her hooves. "One little capsule of this scintillating supplement taken before a meal will tame even the fiercest winds! Your worst Cutie Mark peelers become a gentle, fragrant breeze. Then your gentlecolt won't have to cover his snout when you whiff one out."

Two ponies hiding behind her, dressed all in black, chose that moment to squeak a loud bike horn and fling a handful of rose petals into the air. Fancy Pants trotted past Fleur's suddenly billowing tail, taking a deep breath and letting out a contented sigh.

"Keep your fanny fresh with Toot Sweet!" Fleur summed up brightly. "Also available in a spray."

"You know," Starlight said as the commercial ended, "that commercial and that product are a lot tackier and more embarrassing than actually farting in public."

Spike frowned. "Well," he drawled, "you weren't here for the week everypony started calling Scootaloo 'Pootaloo'. But yeah, usually it's not that big a deal." He tilted his head. "Gotta wonder how they got Fleur and Fancy Pants to do that awful commercial, though..."

* * * * *

A pagepony knocked hurriedly on Fleur's dressing room door. "Fleur? You're needed on set."

The door opened a sliver. Fleur's prim muzzle poked out. "Just a minute!"

The pagepony blinked, then frowned faintly at the smears of fine white powder on Fleur's muzzle. "Umm," she said. "You umm...might need to, umm..." She tapped at her own nose with her hoof.

Fleur's eyes widened. "Oh ponyfeathers," she muttered, ducking back into her dressing room and slamming the door. She raced over to her vanity, picked up some makeup brushes and a small, fine comb, and set to work. A minute later, she was pristine, perky, and prancing out the door.

A ravaged cardboard box lay forgotten on the table by the elegant daybed, the grisly remains of a dozen powdered sugar donuts standing silent testament to the desperation of a supermodel.

Comments

[Hopeful_Ink_Hoof]

Well I guess if the real world can have a product like "Poo-pourri" (which -- for those who don't know -- is a spray used in toilets which supposedly hide the aroma of movements), then pony world can have Toot Sweet.

At least it's not a suppository

[MythrilMoth]

7803061 It was that obnoxious commercial for "V.I.Poo" that airs ALL THE FREAKING TIME on Discovery Family that inspired this.

[Crb145]

7803228 oh god Iv seen that commercial how can air something like that?

[Misplaced Mage]

[ArtieStroke]

Pfff- powdered donuts. Excellent bait and switch

[Jagafeh]

Spike frowned. "Well," he drawled, "you weren't here for the week everypony started calling Scootaloo 'Pootaloo'."

Could have been worse. They could have called her “Portaloo”.

[WorldWalker128]

This reminds me of that Pony anthology parody where Hearts as strong as horses became Farts instead.