Changeling Replacement Services
Spike moans as the horrid racket of static lets out another earsplitting noise of torture before quickly being replaced with another example of tremendous advertising dribble.
A stallion has his sleeping head resting on a table, a strand of saliva—representing his utter lack of energy for the world—lazily pouring out of his mouth.
“DAD,” a shrieking voice like that of a thousand banshee wails reverberates from off the screen.
At this, the stallion’s head shoots up from its spot, the ribbon of drool whipping away from his face. His eyes open to reveal the aftermath of a string of abhorrent events that lead to red cracks.
A small filly enters the scene, her demeanor emitting the usual youthful decorum of little monster of hyper activeness. “Dad,” she bellows at the top of her lungs again, “can we go to the park?”
His response is a guttural sound that can be associated with the garbled noise of dying walruses.
“Honey,” the voice of a mare appears, as well as the figure of one. She continues with the grace of a plaguing superior. “You said you were going to clean up the backyard, and last time I checked, it’s still dirty.”
The eyes of the stallion begin to slowly wander in their own directions, frenzied insects without their antennae.
“Hey, bud,” another trespassing disease pops his head into the scene, “you promised you’d help me replace my window today after you broke it with that fishing pole.”
Left and right, the vile protests resound around the stallion before his brain turns into a mess of scattered neurons and brain cells, and finally resides back to a state of a lump of grey matter. Thus his head falls back onto the table with a soft, yet solid bash. This did not do much in ceasing the continuing ravings of the lunatics abroad.
Then, as if fingers of a mighty time god were snapped, the scene freezes with a cheery and relieving ‘ding.’
“Is this you?” The narration oozes with patronizing contempt, and is strangely produced as if through a voice filter. Yet, it is carried with an undertone of subdued optimism. “A sad, pitiful excuse of a pony without the mental capacity of a dead fish—let alone a full-time husband, father, and friend.” A figure steps from off screen, her carapace shining by the presence of a studio light. “Hello, poor ponies. I am Queen Chrysalis. If you don’t know who I am, it’s better it stays that way.”
“What you should know, though, is that I understand how hard it is to live your pitiful existence, forever trapped in an endless loop of worthlessness, pestering, and awkwardness. I’m sure many of you are dealing with such problems right now.
“But fear not, for I hold the cure to your ailments.”
The screen is engulfed with an exceedingly blinding lens flare as the scene is now replaced with a green logo depicting a pony figure that is split down the middle, one side normal and the other resembling a changeling. Following this is stock music that is both inviting and frighteningly annoying.
“Introducing, Changeling Replacement Services, the only reliable life substitute business. At your request, we’ll come in to be you, so you don’t have to.”
The scene cuts back to the atrocious bantering freaks before. The stallion is very much still unconscious, but with the magic of editing, he is suddenly engulfed with a display of twinkling stars, disappearing to reveal a spry and vigorous pony.
“I’m sorry I forgot, honey,” he says with bright warmth, “I’ll get to work on the yard right away.” He looks down to the filly. “And then when I’m done with that, daddy’s going to take his wonderful filly to the park.” Now his head looks to his friend. “But first, I’ll give you the money to get your window replace. Sorry about that, by the way.”
“Wow,” the three previously disgusting monsters say with genuine enthusiasm, which would be true have it not for the fact it is painfully rehearsed.
“Quite the change, no,” the Queen says to the camera. “That’s because the real pony who was sitting there not a moment ago is now enjoying the beachside of Baltimare, where as the pony you see now is one of our astounding employees.”
For emphasis, said employee looks to the camera with one eye, which is momentarily covered with green flame before dissipating to show a changeling winking back with a smile.
Chrysalis’ frame takes back the screen. “And the best part is they don’t even know it’s him. Our service prides itself in not only discretion, but also in making sure to emulate everything about you in perfect, tedious detail. Not just on the revolting outside, but on the dark inside too.”
The scene changes to a screen split into four squares. One square shows a changeling and a pony sitting at a table, conversing as the changeling takes notes. Another depicts a changeling rehearsing his role at a scene mocking a date. The one below has a changeling that looks to be reading and memorizing private documents. The last one portrays a pony evaluating with a nod to another pony identical to him.
“To ensure effectiveness and quality, our changelings get to know you personally. They’ll shadow you and learn all they can about your dumb behavior, sometimes even revealing embarrassing mannerisms you never even noticed about yourself. Not just that, but they’ll learn about your social life as well. They’ll get to know your family and friends, the acquaintances you met, all your private information, the enemies you hate, and even your pets!”
The screen cuts to a changeling standing beside a dog, who is greeting him warmly with a welcoming growl.
“Pet the flea bag, you dolt,” Chrysalis’ voice whispers from off screen.
Changelings’ expression are among the hardest for ponies to read, yet the dragon can practically feel the daunting anxiety coming from the drone as he slowly lifts his holey hoof next to the dog’s head.
Before the dog decides that it has enough of him and lashes out at the poor thing with the rage of a thousand rabies-infected raccoons, the scene bounces once more to Chrysalis.
“If you honestly still think that this is some fabricated truth, and you still choose to wallow in your self-induced punishment, let our customers here prove you wrong.”
Now taking the center of the screen is a yellow mare with an orange, curly mane and green eyes. “I’ve been dying for a break for awhile, and thanks to Changeling Replacement Services, I finally got it! The service was so good that nopony even knew I was gone when I came back.” She smiles at the camera, though it is short-lived as her expression suddenly grows dreary. “In fact, not a lot of ponies really notice if I’m gone or not.”
Leaving the obviously depressing sight for a more delightful one, the mare in center screen was now a grey earthpony with a charcoal mane and purple eyes. “At first I was a little worried. I play the cello, you see, and thought my replacement would have trouble doing my job. But after we spent time practicing, he was able to play as fine as I do. He even offered me…” She hesitates a bit, taking audible gulps and making strange twitching motions with her face and neck, all the while smiling with a force. “Some… critiques… about my performance… which I very much appreciated… Coming from a changeling who only copied my performance and even imitated my own mistakes and wouldn’t know a high note from a low one and does he actually think he’s better than—”
Abruptly cutting her off is another cut to a purple mare with green eyes and mane with varying colors of pink. “I would normally hire a pony substitute for my job, but my changeling replacement was able to do more than just watch the kids. He studied every detail of my lesson plan and was able to carry it out perfectly. Now thanks to him, I’m finally able to work on my garden.” She looks directly into the camera, smiling. “Which is good, because I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t.”
The camera, for some reason, hangs on the shot, not changing to another pony and instead only showing the mare’s face. Something about her face seems to convey some sort of uncomfortable feeling, not so much for her, but for the viewer watching. Call it a trick of the eye, but Spike swears the camera is subtly but surely zooming in on her face. The sight itself made the dragon unconsciously shrink back in his seat.
To his overwhelming inner request, the scene finally cuts away to another pony.
This time it is a tan stallion, with a slick-backed mane and cyan eyes with the subtle appearance of bags under them. “I’m a very busy pony and wish I could be everywhere at once. Thanks to my changeling replacement now I can be in a business meeting while spending a day with my daughter at the same time.” He winks to the camera, teeth metaphorically sparkling as he smiles. “Thanks, Changeling Replacement Services.”
The camera hangs on the expression, almost sending echoes of the previous pony, before the stallion drops his smile and looks off camera. “So you’re going to blur out my face and modulate my voice or something like that, right?”
Silence.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
Chrysalis’ face adorns the screen again. “If you’re still being stupid and not jumping at the chance of this offer, listen to a testimony from Princess Celestia herself!”
Just as she said this, the scene transitions one more time to the face of the Royal Sister herself. “I know it may seem strange to employ the help of a race that attacked my country, but they are good what they do.” She gives her trademarked warm smile. “And now thanks to them, I can finally take the time to read all the friendship letters from my student that I’ve been putting off for the past year.” Like that of an interrogated convict unknowingly confessing to his horrendous crime, Celestia’s eyes shrink as the Royal Hooves lift to cover her mouth. After a moment of silence, she puts one down to speak. “Can you edit that out in post?”
Due more to the fact of her inflated ego than actual practicality, the screen changes again to Chrysalis as she snickers. “Ahem. Yes, now I’m sure your tiny brains are slowly formulating enough thought power to bravely ask me, ‘but Chrysalis, this good of a deal must cost something, correct? How much of my useless money must I throw at you to be worthy enough of this offer’? Interesting question, but seeing as you’re impressed with just about anything, I’m going to tell you all that this amazing service will cost you nothing.
“That’s right, our high quality services are completely free… in money terms. The only thing that you have to provide to us is a loved one you your changeling replacement to fee—er, to take care of while you’re away. No payments, no trades, and certainly not a single bit out of your pathetic bank.
“But wait, there’s more! You now have the option of vacation plans. Feeling like taking some personal time off from the wretched ponies you know, but want to do it fast and conveniently? Look no further, because our resident travel and business advisors are here to assist. Here they are to talk about it right now.”
The camera turns to the changelings she motions towards. The pair wears shirt collars with red ties, one being pin-striped. Their half shut eyes convey no expression as they speak with the business-like efficiency of soulless salesponies.
“Choosing this optional vacation plan requires a standard fee of fifty bits…”
“Plus however many is required to prepare your trip.”
“Rates are based on the location you are travelling to…”
“The method of transport…”
“And duration of trip.”
“It is the responsibility of the customer to track their own luggage…”
“And any medical condition you may have before, during, or after the trip.”
“At an extra cost, we also offer an identity change if you feel it appropriate.”
“Note, the change is NOT permanent and all records pertaining to the identity will be terminated by the expiration of the trip.”
“To choose this optional service, please specify in your request letter…”
“Or refer to your changeling replacement.”
“For details on your vacation, please feel free to ask us…”
“Or refer to the pamphlet you will receive as per service request.”
“All payments are final and non-refundable,” they both finish off in unison.
“And there you have it, you insufferable ponies,” Chrysalis says as she comes up from between the two, “you get the amazing Changeling Replacement Service for free, plus optional vacation planning. And all you have to do is work your tired minds to work a quill so that you can formulate words onto paper and send it in to the following address.” The location and P.O. box flashes in neon green text across the bottom of the screen. “So what are you waiting for, your flank to do it? Get off it and utilize our services now!
“Changeling Replacement Services. We’ll be you, no matter how stupid you are.”
Much like the many lovely nonsense of other ads before, the presentation finishes off with a quickly read legal statement so perfectly tacked on to the end.
“Changeling Replacement Services, LLC. is not responsible for failure for you to return to your normal life. Some exhaustion from your loved ones may occur. If they begin to exhibit signs of dizziness or nausea, seek medical attention immediately. Revealing a changeling replacement’s cover is grounds for immediate termination of services and legal action. We are not responsible for what your replacement does as you. Must be eighteen years or older to apply.”
As all things come to an end, so too does the brilliantly crafted infomercial, swiftly replaced by the snowy, constant screech of disgusting static.
It is promptly stopped by Spike as he flicks the TV’s life off, mind pondering that spectacle that he just saw before him. Not much of the commercials ever please the dragon, nor do they even get any response from him. But that one seems to be the golden apple of the bunch. Flipping through countless of dribble and off-putting ridiculousness, that is one of the few products that peeks his interest. Maybe, just maybe, he would finally make due on one of the infomercials that come from that intricate stupid-box.
“Nah,” he says, waving off the notion, “sounds like a scam to me. I don’t think they can even change into dragons.” With the thought lost forever to a drifting void, he walks his little way to door before encountering a troubling thought.
He still has nothing better to do for the day.
Heaving a powerful, infuriating sigh, he takes his way back to the sofa that he made his mark on and that box that intimately knows him so.
A flick of the switch and the madness continues.
Stats
Page generated in 0.021 seconds
Total duration
976 users online
1,259,604 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Wow, that chapter had a very Invader Zim vibe to it.
Dear Changeling Replacement Services,
Could you impersonate a pony based on a picture or description? Like, a white unicorn with a purple mane, beautiful eyes and perfect figure?
Spike
>Now thanks to him, I’m finally able to work on my garden.” She looks directly into the camera, smiling. “Which is good, because I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t.”
Cheerilee gets very unpleasant without her garden.
>stupid, stupid, stupid
All I can think of is Stupid Doll every time I hear Chrysalis say that word.
I kinda expected Spike to stumble on a changeling version of Twilight at the end xD
"-peeks his interest-"
I think you meant 'pique'.
"The only thing that you have to provide to us is a loved one you your changeling replacement-"
What?
Proofreading is important.
Wow, Cheerilee always needs time to weed her garden. Whether it be her private one or the world's.
This was, by far, the most affective I have read. I don't think there were any blatant fails during the commercial, save for the petting of the dog.
5871816
incredibly late to this party, but thinkin' on it... your right. can't put my tendril on it but it does have that quality.
Just found these and read through them all up to now. One question about this "Changeling Replacement Services" one:
How do they feel about... alibi work? Say... somepony wanted to kill another -- purely hypothetically mind you -- and wanted a changeling to pretend to be them at a public event where they will be noticed. That way, there will be witness that can say the alleged "killer" was nowhere near the victim at the time of their death.
Actually, this doesn't sound that bad. Aside from giving a loved one to feed off of.