• Published 14th Sep 2014
  • 4,018 Views, 357 Comments

Ponyville Public Access - Justice3442

The Ponyville Public Access channel is where any and all Ponyville residents can go to advertise whatever they want or force those with a T.V. to watch their antics.

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Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff

The screen flickers briefly and suddenly a pink pony with a curly pink mane and tail is beaming at the screen.

"In trouble but can't afford a lawyer who's actually passed the bar or even has the ability to process oxygen? Then Pinkie Pie has the solution for you.” Pinkie points out towards the screen. “Just come down to ‘Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff’ where we have dozens of objects ready to represent your every law stuff need!

“Founded when yours truly discovered there are serious and potentially deadly consequences to impersonating an operating room nurse for over fifteen weeks, Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff has been providing bargain law-whatever-representation for ponies who absolutely should not represent themselves under any circumstances!

“Why, our firm is full of qualified-looking objects that stand upright when set on a bench quite easily! Who knows! Maybe during your next brush with the law you can be represented by Mr. Cement,”— Pinkie motions to a bag of cement in a bowler hat— “, Mrs. Salad Tongs” – Pinkie motions to a pair of salad tongs in fashionable pair of high heels— “And even… ermuh…” Pinkie trails off as she stared at yet another smartly dressed object. “Uh… An eggbeater in a hilariously small, but adorable suit! I don’t have a name for that one yet…”

The camera pans out, revealing a large assortment of smartly dressed objects.

"Our defenders will never crack under pressure!"

A rock with a quill taped to it cracks behind Pinkie.

"Except Crackle over there. He does it for fun!

“But don’t take my word for it! Just listen to these testimonials from real, live clients who have benefited from our lawyering... thingy.

Pinkie gallops up towards the screen and suddenly the camera shifts to a light-blue unicorn wearing a purple wizard hat with a star and moon motif and a matching cape.

"The Grrrrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie used to represent herself until the Equestrian magistrates banned me from doing that because of"--Trixie air quotes with her forehooves-- "'A tragically flawed understanding of how the law works' and 'gross incompetence'. Thankfully I was able to hire a sack of potatoes in a fashionable power suit with shoulder pads for a fraction of what I make from one of my shows and suddenly all my legal proceedings went a lot smoother.”

The camera again shifts, this time to a walleyed, grey pegasus mare with yellow eyes smiling happily at the camera as she sits on her haunches next to a lamp. “Believe it or not, unexpected and accidental damage can happen anywhere at any time. Who knows! You just might happen to be by some of it!” The pegasus flings her arms out and hits the lamp, causing it to fall over and break against a set of yellow drapes. “When that happens, you’ll want good representation, or at least representation of good representation!” Her eyelids lowered slightly and she gave the camera a slightly sad look. “If you try to represent yourself, you won’t know what went wrong!”


The drapes behind the pegasus suddenly caught flame and Pinkie rushed over, fire extinguisher in mouth.

The scene flashes static briefly and then flickers back on to a scene of a pink earth pony mare with cutie mark that depicted a strawberry and some grapes sitting next to a briefcase and numerous bottles of wine in various states of being imbibed.

“They had a bottle of wine with a briefcase that was full of more wine…” The pink mare says. “And now I can at least go to court without being found in contempt of court every time…” The pink mare raises a bottle of red wine up to her lips and takes a swig. “Also court is now a lot more fun to go to!”

The scene shifts once more to a gray earth pony with a straight purple-colored mane and tail wearing a steel blue-colored dress.

In a monotone voice she announced, “I hired a garbage can full of rocks in a pair of loafers… I didn’t even have a reason to go to court.”

The scene shifts to Pinkie’s smiling face which occupies the entire shot. “Wow! Listen to all those satisfied customers! I mean… In the past… You would have already listened to them if you were paying attention… Hehe… Anyhow, here’s a real live magistrate herself to explain why it’s perfectly legal to be represented by a box of apples with a suit drawn on it!”

Pinkie gallops up past the screen and the camera suddenly pans over to a lime green earth pony with swirling orange mane and tail both in a bun. Her cutie mark depicts a gavel. She seems to regard the camera with sad, lavender eyes as she begins to speak.

“I tried to pass a law making it illegal for ponies to be represented by things that had no way of communicating, but a baby alligator in a tie that was bigger than it convinced the city council to allow this mockery of justice. So… whatever I guess… I don’t even care anymore…”

The pink pony with the strawberry and grape cutie mark suddenly leans into the shot holding a half-drunk bottle of red wine. “Would you like a hit?” she asks the lime green mare. “It takes the edge off.”

The lime green mare sighs and reaches for the bottle. “Yeah, sure…”

A call rings out from outside the shot. “THE GWWWWRRREEEAT AND POWERFFFUUUL TWIXIE FLEEELS FWANTASTIC!” Trixie stumbles into the shot with a mostly empty bottle of white wine in her forehoof and collapses in front of the other two ponies. Trixie’s hat falls forward slightly over her face. She thrusts the wine bottle up regardless. “TWIXIE IS GWOING TO WIN OFER THE TOUGH CROWDS AT THE… HIC… FUNERAL PARWER TONIGHT! JUST TRY AND STOP HERrrrrrr…ME!

The lime green pony utters a long, gravely sounding moan as if her soul is slowly leaking from her body via her mouth. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggg…” She takes a big swig from the bottle in her hand.

The camera rapidly pans across the room and suddenly Pinkie’s smiling face is occupying the entire shot. “And there you have it!” Pinkie says cheerfully. "Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff! It's literally better than nothing."

Author's Note:

This is what happens when someone talks about being better represented by a "sack of cement" around me.