"Ah can't believe Granny bought one o' these things! Don't she know our budget's tight this year?!"
Sitting on a small oaken stand on an oak floor in an oakwood house, a small TV with tiny antennae sticking out of it flickered to life as an orange hoof turned the power/volume dial on.
"Well, at least it works. That's a first comin' from those two-bit varmints."
An old, seasoned voice called from upstairs. "AJ, where's my anti-aging jam?"
Applejack sighed. "Granny, first, it's anti-aging cream. Second, have ye checked your vanity drawer?"
"Sure I have...uh...what's a vanity?"
She groaned and rolled her eyes. "It's the big mirror-desk thing I got from Rarity last week! Right next to your dresser!"
"Ah see it now! Thanks!" Granny stated in a way that somehow made the vanity something impossible to spot right away.
Applejack shook her head. Granny Smith couldn't find a needle in a haystack...or even in her sewing kit. Oh, but Applejack had always found them...just not in a pleasant way.
Applejack placed her hoof to the channel dial and turned it. TV static persisted for a few clicks before she found the one channel that worked: Ponyville Public Access.
Just as the TV screen came to life, said two-bit varmints, dressed in their striped candy-cane vests and straw hats, stood in front of a carnival tent.
"Aw no. What're those two sellin' now?"
Just as that question left her lips, Flim and Flam began their advertisement by dragging an old, shaky red mare with white hair onscreen.
"Hello, kind madam! You look a spot older than the dirt we're standing on!" Flam said.
"Oh, much older than that, brother of mine! How old are you, my dear?" Flim asked.
The startled mare swallowed. "Oh, uh, well, I'm jus' a bit over f-"
"Well, fear not! Your age doesn't matter to us!" Flam declared.
"Not at all! You could be thirty--"
"--two-hundred--"
"--or even a thousand! We don't care! And do you know why that is?"
"Well, no, bu-"
"We'll tell you why!" Flim left the scene for a moment before bringing back a green chalkboard. The front of it had a rather decently drawn image of the old mare on one side and an arrow leading from the old mare to a much younger, sexier mare.
"We of Flim Flam Brothers Inc. have discovered a stupendous--"
"--revolutionary--"
"--life-changing solution to the problem of aging, even if your face ages to the point where no one can tell the difference between it and the bark of an apple tree!"
"HEY!" Applejack shouted at the TV. "That ain't right!"
Flam continued, "Tell us, miss. Wouldn't you like to look as gorgeous as you were when you were at your prime?"
The old mare blushed a bit. "Well, I can't say that I haven't had daydreams about looking like that from time to time."
"Well, dream no more!" Flim cried out as he drew a small jar over the arrow leading from the wrinkled face to the young face, then producing said jar in another hoof. "For once you've tried applying some of Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam, you'll never have to worry about looking old ever again!"
The camera zoomed in on the jar in Flim's hoof, prominently displaying Flim and Flam's faces around the words "Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam!" before zooming back out to Flam holding the jar as the old mare sat on a stool.
"Are you ready, my dear?"
The old mare nodded, and Flam brought a hoof to the lid. He strained a bit to unscrew the lid, even turning away from the camera. He shook it in an up and down motion for a short period of time before a 'Pop' and a satisfied "Aaaaah" escaped his lips before he turned back to the camera.
He reached into the jar and got a decent portion of a white gooey substance on his hoof. Rubbing it into the mare's face with vigorous motions, even stretching out her face at some intervals, he spent a good thirty seconds applying the Youthful Jam before removing his hooves and placing a towel over her face.
"After applying the jam vigorously, place a warm soaked towel over your face. Let it sit for about a minute, but no longer than that!" Flam explained.
"And while she waits for our 'secret ingredient' to take effect..." Applejack blinked at how drawn out the mentioning of the ingredient was. The seductive tone of his voice didn't ease her concerns. "...if you're not convinced yet, just take a look at our first--and only--compelling testimonial!"
The scene cuts to inside the tent, where a very familiar face--
"GRANNY?!"
...was unmistakably Granny Smith, although she looked as young as she did back when Ponyville was founded. Applejack's jaw hit the floor at the sight.
But what seemed more jarring was her voice didn't change. "I'll admit it, I was very suspicious of these young'uns when they came to me yesterday, 'specially after that phony tonic incident.
"However, after just one use o' their fancy Youth Jam, I look just like I did in my old photos! I couldn't believe it at first, but let me tell you, the boys in town were givin’ me the nasty look like ye wouldn't believe!"
Applejack shook her head. No wonder she hadn't seen Granny around the house all that often the past week.
The screen changed back to the old mare in the stool, towel still over her head.
"Well, that minute's up, so it's time for the big reveal!" Flam said with flair as he gestured to Flim and the mare. In a flash of white, Flim flung the towel away, revealing the face of a mare about Applejack's age in appearance. In all honesty, she looked like a scrumptious red velvet cupcake.
Flim pulled out a mirror and held it up to her face, and Ms. Velvet gasped. "I...oh my goodness! Is that me?"
"It sure is, my dear!"
"Ah can't believe it," Applejack responded.
"Believe it!" Flam's face took up the screen. "You've seen it firsthoof here, folks, so buy it now before it's all gone! Trust me, we've got tons of the stuff!"
Suddenly, Flim asked offscreen, "What? But we've just started making it since last week! And...uh...our supplier is a bit sore at the mome-"
"Like I said, we have it in stock! And if we don't, we'll make it on the spot!"
"But-"
"On. The. Spot," Flam spoke through gritted teeth. "So buy Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam now!"
The commercial ends with a close-up of the jar again. "Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam! Why be a wrinkly prune when you can look like a juicy plum?"
As the commercial came to a close, Applejack turned off the TV in a mild daze. There was no way she missed that last bit of their commercial, and deep down, she had a very good suspicion as to what their secret ingredient was in their cream.
And if Granny willingly put that on her face--
"Applejack! I still can't find my Youth Jam! You didn't take it or anything, did you?"
"NO AH DID NOT!" Applejack yelled.
"Well, who did then?" Granny asked.
Applejack froze. She didn't even know about the cream until just now, and there was no way Big Mac would ever dabble in makeup. That left--
"Abbajack?" A tiny pale yellow filly stumbled into the room, barely keeping her balance due to the large red bow on her head.
"A-Apple Bloom?! You...you didn't use Granny's cream, did you?"
Apple Bloom fidgeted on the floor. "M-Maybe a widdle...for five meenits."
Applejack remained silent. One could hear the gears in her head whirring and grinding as voilently as her grinding teeth as she carefully processed everything that happened in the past few minutes as calmly and rationally as she could.
She failed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
~~~
Far, far away from the Apple Family Orchard, two ponies in a carnival tent had just finished capping off yet another jar of Youthful Jam, an oddly musky scent permeating the air. One of which was visibly and audibly exhausted, sitting on a stool.
"Huff...huff...Flam, please tell me we're done making Jam for at least a week."
Flam counted the multiple jars of jam in front of him, and smiled. "Flim, I think we're set for a while. You can take a rest n-"
Suddenly, both brothers heard a scream. It started barely audible, but rose higher and higher as time passed by.
"...Flam, do you hear that?"
"I feel that."
"I have a sudden need to flee for my life. Should we pack up and--"
"Already packing!"
That "secret ingredient..." is it something you can say in a below M-rated story?
For all the flack the Flim Flam brothers get, they're 2 for 3 (counting this story) in terms of products working exactly as advertised.
I don't get how that woud work?
5291434
Magic.
Ain't gotta explain shit.
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120215173555/jakehastomuchtimeonhishands/images/5/51/Hugh_Jelly.png
That's exactly how creepy this is.
Congrats, Tired Old Man. I'll be feeling this one crawling all over my skin for days.
(I'm still laughing my ass off though)
(Because I'm a terrible person)
...Gordy, take it away.
"I'm Twamatized!"
5292617
The beginning indicates AJ knew Granny was getting into wearing beauty products, but she didn't specifically know it was another Flim and Flam product, much less a disgusting one.
5292127
Huh, I actually forgot about that jam maker when writing this.
That's also disgusting, and actually I don't know which is worse now: having it all over your body, or in you.
5292885
That line was referring to the TV, actually. It's part of their new product line of stuff that actually works, like the cream they're advertising.
And if you still don't know what's in the cream...you're not thinking dirty enough.
5293854
I think that would be preferable to what the story hints at...
5294060
Damn. Thats just wrong.
My mind is now imagining things!
Crap!
5291275 Well, 3 for 3 sort of... the tonic was an amazing confidence booster. Mind over matter, one could say. They just need to market it in ethically correct ways... Their first visit was actually fine, Applejack didn't need to battle them. The Apple family could have just said no way! The second one was devious and a scam, but only because they marketed it falsely- they should have just sold it as a confidence booster. The third one... I actually have no problems with: it does what it's supposed to do. They just need to put an 'Ingredients' list on the back. There's a reason we have those lists in real life...
I just... My skin needs to age back to around three minutes ago, and I'm not using that damn jam.
Hmm. That title, out of context, could mean something else entirely. Ugh, too much anime/Internet has ruined me.
-
And now I realize that one of those alt-out-of-context-meanings was NOT out of context, and I feel like screaming, too.
But, you know, there are still real, live people who'd still be willing to use that. And that makes me want to scream in horror even more.