Akkura
Joined 6th Apr, 2012 ·
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Before i start reading, Chapter 8 has no words.
490606
He thanks for the catch lol
490643 This isn't a bad story, it has potential, it just goes to fast with not enough detail. Not bad for a first go fic though.
EDIT: A young operator is transported to Equestria where he isn ot trusted by anypony. What must he do to earn their trust? And if he does what adventures await them?
You may want to fix the part where it says 'he isn ot' to 'he isn't' or 'he is not'.
DIS GON B GUD
Would you like me to pre-read for you? I noticed a lot of grammar errors and some details that could be added in that I would be able to fix with no problem. Just let me know as I'd be more than happy to help you out.
Very good I want more!
heavy: yes ehhi like dis
i read this all in 15 minutes. i like the story so far, i hope it gets more interesting!
Commas, paragraphs are too short, and more. Nice idea, though.
Dude I can give you some pointers if you would like, For one I think you need to make the story longer and more descriptive. I don't see the main idea of this story, A solider goes to equestia. I for one think this story needs a climax. Like what if he accidently shots a pony and celestia and him have a huge battle. You see what Im saying, But other than that your story is really good. If I may, I think you should read whiplash a story very similar too this.
i think you should add twilight because she is seeming to talk alot and wouldent that make her more part of the story?. idk its up to you i will resume reading this fic now.
also no romance vote for me
A tried and tested concept that has been done a bunch of times. Some worse than other (Mostly due to self insert, rushed writing.) Although yours is competently written and engaging enough through the first chapter that it didn't feel odd or forced. I cannot get over the fact that a 14 year old is part of a "top secret" special forces squad, sure a 16 or 17 year old at a push but 14. Whatever it's your fic and nothing can constrain ones imagination, lets see how the rest of it unfolds.
Good so far, nice job.
Look's legit
As i have told you before: look's legit
add romance if otehrs want it :L but all in all it's a damn good piece of writing :) maybe slow down a little, liking the main character at the moment :)
The story's good, but you should slow the story down a bit and describe more, other than that though, it's pretty good.
Yeah, the descriptions are a little on the sparse side. Also, there are a lot of times when a paragraph is split in half and part of it ends up as a new paragraph.
And also a fourteen year old special forces soldier? Really, my suspension of disbelief went out the window. Personally, I'd make him mid-twenties to early 30s.
I think the dialogues are... I dunno... Odd?
Mostly one sided.
-Hey let's go there!
-Okay.
That's just doen't feel right.
Favourited.
Raiting later.
Wait, the character is 14...you have got to be shitting me
edit: odds of this being some poorly thought out self-insert just skyrocketed
Good idea, but the whole: "Teenage Special Forces", doesn't work out so great. Geneva convention states that anyone under the age of 15 cannot be granted any source into the military that is direct combat, then you have to deal with American standards; Must be aleast 17 to join with parental consent and I believe SOs in general requires at least 18. Special Forces also requires a physical demand that a fourteen year old could not reach, same reason females cannot be in Special Forces.
It just feels impractical, the moment they lines up with Delta Force, SEALs, or Pararescue, they wouldn't last. There's a reason in fights they pair people up with weight, and I strongly doubt a fourteen year old kid could hiptoss a 150-200 pound man.
All and all, it's nicely written, unrealistic as can be, but a good concept. Would be so awesome (
) if the kids were actually men.
519784
Also It plays into the plot so i figured I should attempt it.
I agree but before I say anything else I want to say that I know some Teens that are more atheticaly fit than most grown men of ages 20-30
520500
Not saying that they're aren't teens more athletic than adults, but a teen more athletic than a SEAL? I find that highly unlikely, if possible at all.
Knew this SEAL candidate that could pump out 160-180 something push ups in two minutes, and not break a sweat.
520577
I agree, but like I said it figures into the plot a little bit, so if I ever get an overwelming amount of comments/pms I will change it, but as of right now lots of people are either being quite or just ok.
520588
I mean, in all honesty there isn't anything truly wrong with it, it's just unrealistic, then again, he did he transported to a magical land full of ponies that can talk and fly. So realism isn't too big of an issue.
I dunno, I can give suggestions, but it's your story, you do what you do man. XD
520634
True, lol, thanks for the understanding, I totaly understand your thoughts on young special forces operators and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
520711
Well, if you need any help on military stuff or other things, shoot me a PM, I'll do my best to help.
520839
Sure, thanks for the offer
519784 My thought exactly
. I'll give it a try still. I just don't see a 14 year old bein g able to perform at the same level as this...
fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s720x720/419160_335881836449109_109175182453110_832732_669375581_n.jpg Tim Kennedy, a REAL SF operator.
Yeah... A real operator would not have gotten in that awkward situation in the first place, Instead of making him the quiet professional a SF operator WOULD be, he's kind of a noob.
522485
What situation are you talking about?
Ray: Ffffuck...
this just got real.
and first
525598 In chapter 2. Where he broke his arm after
1) Not bracing himself for the fall.
2) Not rolling properly.
woohoo
See this is what i'm talking about, Nice work man *Brohoof*
still loving it
you make it soud as if the story is third-person. you should use 'i' more instead of 'ray'.
story is great moar please
FUCKING CLIFF HANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
525874
... Well atleast I made a lame excuse
Lame excuse time! (lol) He was messed up from the impact of the branch? ... Your not falling for it are you
Well I'm glad people are ok with chapter ten, I wasn't sure if people would like wut happend
Also cliffhangers are revenge for all those cliffhangers I have been put through XD 
Early morning and Sweetie Belle and Applebloom are up, two small children?
When I think of Ray, he reminds me of a 30 year old Special Forces veteran, not a 14 year old Spartan. The way you describe him with "he's been through worse" makes it feel like such.
And I would think a falling tree would create a lot of noise, even more than the fire, so Ray probably should've been able to hear that if he heard Rainbow Dash in the middle of sleeping.
Wait, wait, wait. Time out. Rainbow Dash was stuck in a raging fire, caught under a burning log, most likely had a severe case of smoke inhalation and exhaustion. Ray got hit by a collapsing, burning tree, probably also had smoke inhalation, and broken bones. Both didn't even spend a day at the hospital?
Uhm, I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that. I don't care about the power of that new Element (which I do like the idea of actually). A day or two or four is an order. Burns and smoke inhalation and broken bones are something one doesn't just get over y'know.
520634
Hey. There's this thing in history called Greece and the Spartans. Ever heard of them? Word on the street is they kidnapped children and trained them to be elite soldiers at a young age. Sound familiar? Yeah, they also took that concept for the game series Halo and other countries have done similar things to children.
HISTORY!
If you ship Rainbow and Ray, I will not forgive you. Unless there's sex. There always needs to be-
ANYWAYS, since I've read these nine chapters now, I shall get to work on editing chapter 10 for you. Wait, it's 11:00PM. Er, I'll do it during Study Hall tomorrow. Yeah.
Study Hall.
531711
Spartans never kidnapped Children, they raised their own to become powerful warriors, and if my history is correct; They were not allowed to engage in battle until they could do certain tasks, and those tasks came at the a later age, like 17-19, rough estimates from historians.
And Halo? Really? Halo? By that logic, the Earth will also be attacked by aliens with Hasbro weapons.
I'm telling you; a young teen could not do SEAL/Delta/ParaRescue. There is a reason age is thrown onto signs ups.
rabbitinasuit.com/sphere/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=2738.0;attach=893;image
531758
The way you said it previously implied that teens can't do these things at all. 100% impossible. While unlikely, yes, there are possibilities.
Yes, Halo. Because Halo is the best gaming series. I don't see what Hasbro weapons has to do with anything. Only showing that the same idea applies.
You do know there have been teenagers in the military before in major wars like WWII and Vietnam, right? Albeit not Special Forces, there have been infantry as young as 14/15 before. I see no reason why one can't become Spec Ops. The possibilities!
531820
I know there were teens in WWII, my Great Grand Father was one of them, lol.
Main Forces, I don't doubt it.
Just, trust me on this: I can confirm, 100% that a teen (14-16) COULD NOT complete SEAL training, and given what I've been told about Delta and others, Special Forces would be out of their reach. I mean, why would they in the first place when they have something that is working well beyond what is needed? That just seems like a step backwards to me.
531870
100%? That's pretty damn sure. I think though...-
God damn it, it's 11:30. I need bed so I can think straight and not seem like a complete nob who has no idea what he's talking about. Excuse my idiocy. I'll just go stand in the corner.
Read some Halo books to get a better understanding of what I was talking about. They're a pretty good read and poke at the point I was attempting to make.