• Published 20th Apr 2012
  • 34,399 Views, 310 Comments

...But the Kitchen Sink - Dubs Rewatcher


Rainbow Dash falls in love with a kitchen sink.

  • ...
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...But the Kitchen Sink

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Pinkie, I’m telling you, as weird and crazy as you can be, it wouldn’t work!”

“Nuh-uh! It would!” Pinkie Pie insisted as they entered the bakery. “We could totally replace your entire house with cotton candy! We could make it float and everything! And you could live in it, and you could eat cotton candy anytime you wanted! And...and, I could live there too! And we could eat cotton candy all day long!”

“...You do make a good point. How much would it cost?”

Pinkie’s face scrunched up. “Let’s see: move that there, carry the one...oh, boy! Only about ten million bits! What a deal, right?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head and laughed. “Now, where are those cupcakes you promised me?”

“Oh, right in the kitchen!” Pinkie said. “I made them special, just for you! They’re vanilla: your favorite!”

Her mouth beginning to water, the cyan mare began to gallop away from her friend. But before she could get to the kitchen, she was stopped by a loud “Wait!”

She turned back to Pinkie, who was frowning a bit. “Sorry, Dashie, but you have to be careful!”

“Huh? Why?”

“The Cakes just spent lots and lots of money to get the kitchen all cleaned and remodeled! It's all new, and pretty, and fancy! They'll be super-duper mad if we get it messy!” Pinkie explained, bouncing up to her friend. “Especially the sink! That cost the most of anything! It's so new, and pretty, and fan—”

“Yeah, yeah, I get the picture,” Rainbow interrupted. “What was wrong with the old kitchen? It looked fine to me.”

Pinkie's face darkened. “Do you remember last week? When there was that big explosion?”

“Oh yeah! That thing completely cleared out all the clouds we were gathering for a storm!”

Pinkie's head drooped. "I kinda got into the coffee cupboard again."

“Well, it's just a kitchen,” Rainbow said, assuring her friend with a pat on the back. “Even if we got it dirty, there's nothing that my patented Rain-Blow Dry can't take care of, right?” Without waiting for an answer, she sprinted away from Pinkie and into the kitchen, bursting through the double doors without a care in the world. Her eyes immediately settled on the cupcakes.

The confections sat in a silver tray, tempting Rainbow with their delicious scent. They were covered in the sweetest, unhealthiest-looking pink frosting she had ever seen. They were perfect. Disregarding all sense of restraint, she grabbed one and proceeded to gulp it down. It tasted just as delicious as it looked. As she ate, Rainbow looked around the newly-redesigned kitchen.

All the walls had been painted a uniform pink color from ceiling to floor. It looked like the engravings in the wooden paneling had been redone, giving them a sharper and clearer image. A long line of shelves stood on the rightmost wall, reaching all the way up one way, covered with ingredients, tools and foodstuffs of all kinds. The counters even sparkled.

Everything’s nice, sure, but it’s just a kitchen,’ Rainbow thought. ‘Who cares if it gets a little dirty? There’s a washcloth right there, over by the sink.’

The sink.

It—no, he—sat across the room from her, sitting right against the wall. The sunlight filtering in caught on his chrome coat, sending glimmers of light crashing through the room. Rainbow could have sworn she felt one cross her face. He was sleek and streamlined, just like the pegasus. A drip of water hung in his mouth.

With a blush, she turned, only to come face-to-face with Pinkie Pie. “Rainbow Dash!” she shouted.

Rainbow instinctively jumped into the air. “Pinkie Pie, d-don't sneak up on me like that!”

Pinkie giggled. “You're drooling! My cupcakes must be the best ever!”

Taking quick glances at the sink, Rainbow wiped her mouth. She suddenly realized how messy her wings and mane were. 'I'm a mess!' she thought, and began to preen herself.

Pinkie stared at her inquisitively. “Dashie, whatcha doin'?”

“Oh, uhm...” It was at that moment that Rainbow Dash realized: she was trying to impress a sink. What was wrong with her? What had Pinkie put in those cupcakes? “Nothing. I'm not doing anything.” Just to make a point, she tousled her own hair. “Heh. Heh.” There was a long lull, as Rainbow fidgeted under Pinkie’s gaze. “Hey, Pinkie, why is that sink so special?”

“I’m glad you asked!” Pinkie said, brandishing a magazine from seemingly nowhere. “I happen to have the catalog right here!”

“How did you—”

“Umm... ooh, look, it says it has a ‘large and spacious basin that can fit nearly anything!’”

Rainbow gaped. “R-Really?”

“Yep! And it has ‘strong and durable chrome plating!’ Cool!”

A single bead of sweat formed at the base of Rainbow’s brow as she attempted to immobilize her own wings. “That is cool,” she said.

“And...and look! Look! It says the faucet has ‘advanced pumping action!’ Isn’t that the cooliest?!”

Rainbow Dash barely caught the moan in her throat. “Yeah,” she said flatly. “Uh, Pinkie, I think I understand. Please stop?” She began to wish she had a bottle of mind bleach.

If Pinkie had noticed anything was wrong, she didn't show it. “Okie-doki-loki!” She picked up another cupcake and shoved it at Rainbow Dash. “Let’s stop the reading, ‘cause it’s time to get eating!” she squealed.

If only so that Pinkie wouldn't shove the treat down her throat, Rainbow took the cupcake. However, as she took her first bite, she found that her stomach and heart had teamed up to rebel against the rest of her body. Her stomach seemed to be teeming with butterflies, making it near impossible to keep the cupcake down. Her heart raced faster with each passing second. Yet, it skipped a beat when she glanced at him.

‘It!’ Rainbow’s mind screamed at her. ‘It!’

With some difficulty, Rainbow finished the cupcake. She gave Pinkie a smile. “Oh, yeah, Pinkie, that was great!”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes lit up like stars. “Really?”

“Yep! Mmm!” She rubbed her still erupting stomach. “But I sure am full now. I doubt I could have even another bite.”

“What?!” Pinkie gasped so hard she hovered. “There can never be too many cupcakes! It’s impossible!” She seemed to disappear into the floor, and popped up a second later behind Rainbow. “Inconceivable!” She popped up again on Rainbow’s left. “Incomprehensible!”

“Pinkie, stop!” Rainbow said, blushing. “You’re embarrassing me!”

Pinkie stopped mid-bounce. “Huh? In front of who?”

“In front of...” She stopped when she realized she was pointing at the sink. “Uh, nopony. Forget it.”

“And you forget being full!” Pinkie yelped, landing and grabbing the entire tray of cupcakes. She stuffed the entire tray in Rainbow’s face. “Eat!”

“No, Pinkie, stop!”

“You’re going to eat your cupcakes, and you’re going to like them!”

“Pinkie, I said-”

Just then, Rainbow saw a drop of water fall from the sink’s faucet. As if on cue, the pegasus’s wings shot up. Her right wing slammed into Pinkie’s tray, sending it flying.

“No, cupcakes!” Pinkie cried. “Come back!”

Ignoring their creator, the cupcake tray proceeded to ricochet around the room, spreading bits of cupcake and frosting everywhere. The two ponies could only watch in shock, and dodge the careening cupcakes when necessary. It only took a few moments for the tray to smash right into the top shelf on the right wall. The ponies couldn’t see it, but its impact had formed a hairline crack in the molding.

Rainbow silently cursed whatever vengeful spirit who had first created pegasus wings. Pinkie Pie looked more and more scared with each splattered cupcake.

A few seconds later, the crack had grown and spread throughout the entire shelf, sending it tumbling downwards. That shelf crashed into the one below it, and that one into the one below it.

Soon the two mares watched in abject fear as the entire wall of shelves came crashing down, throwing up dirt, paint and food like there was no tomorrow. The different supplies that had made their home on the shelf—flour, frostings, food coloring, dough—scattered and smushed all across the floors, creating what looked like an infant’s take on fine art.

Rainbow’s wings dropped.

Pinkie’s jaw literally hit the floor.

“...WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Both mares’ heads whipped to the staircase that led to the upper floors, where the Cakes’ made their home. Two distinct cries echoed throughout the building, causing them to wince.

“What’s going on down there?!”

Pinkie jogged in place. “Oh no, oh no, oh no! Dashie, we’re in so much trouble!”

Rainbow Dash was still too shocked to move. Forget the washcloth. Even the Rain-Blow has nothing on this.’

Mrs. Cake, her eyes already bloodshot, cantered into the room. “Pinkie, you need to-” She stopped immediately. The blue mare looked at the cluster of destruction. Then at the two mares. Back to the cluster. Back to the mares.

She noticed an open bag of coffee beans in the corner.

“Pinkie Pie,” Mrs. Cake growled, her face contorting into a mutant mix of rage, frustration and exhaustion. “What happened to our kitchen?”

“Uhm...there were cupcakes?” Pinkie replied in a squeak.

A vein popped on Mrs. Cake’s forehead. “Pinkie Pie, how many times did we tell you to keep the kitchen clean? We can’t afford to rebuild this bakery every other week!”

“I know, Mrs.—”

“No, I don’t think you do!” Mrs. Cake had begun to walk toward the duo. “We’ve given you a home, food to eat! We put up with you eating half of our profits! All we asked was that you try and keep this place nice, and what do you do? You tear down a wall!”

Mrs. Cake had effectively managed to make Pinkie Pie frown. “I’m sorry—”

“And that’s not to mention the babies! We had just gotten them down for a nap! Do you know how hard that is, now that they’re teething?”

Rainbow looked on in shock. She had never seen Mrs. Cake this angry, or even Pinkie this worried. Of course, she had also never seen Sugarcube Corner’s walls torn down before, either. She began to curse the sink that had gotten her acting so strangely—then, she remembered it was an inanimate object.

Part of her felt like leaving; stay any longer, and she was bound to get roped into it too. But, her other part, her “loyalty sense,” commanded her to stay and help her friend. After all, it was her fault. She was the one who had the...erection.

‘But from what?’

“Hey, Mrs. Cake?” Rainbow interrupted.

The mare paused her tirade to look at Rainbow. “Yes... dear?”

“You can’t blame Pinkie for this. It was my fault. I was the one who hit the tray of cupcakes away from her, and knocked down all the shelves. If you’re going to blame anypony, blame me.”

Mrs. Cake sighed and turned to Rainbow Dash. In the blink of an eye, she had started raging again. “Rainbow Dash, how could you do this? Just come into our home and wreck it?!”

Rainbow backed up a bit. “Whoa, whoa!” ‘I’m all for making sure Pinkie doesn’t get in trouble here, but I’m not just gonna sit here and get lectured!’ “It, uh, wasn’t all my fault, though!” she said, not making eye contact.

“Really.” Mrs. Cake rolled her eyes. “Then just who’s fault was it?”

‘Think, Rainbow, think! It was...’

As if she didn’t have control of her own hooves, Rainbow pointed off to the side. “It was him! He seduced me!”

"Him?" Mrs. Cake asked, looking where Rainbow was pointing. "Do you mean the bird?"

Rainbow Dash gazed at the sink, and quickly realized that a bird had landed on the windowsill above it. "No, no, I mean the-"

'Wait. What am I talking about?'

“Oh, nevermind! I did it! It’s all my fault! Sue me, bill me, whatever! Just don't blame Pinkie.”

Mrs. Cake glared. “Rainbow Dash, I think it would be best if you left.”

Rainbow sighed and glanced at Pinkie. The mare was gazing at her sadly. She shifted her eyes to the sink. ‘I hate you,’ she mouthed. Without another word, she flew out of the kitchen.

----------

As she flew home, Rainbow Dash reviewed the events of her visit to Sugarcube Corner. She had:

A.Gotten into an argument about cotton candy houses.

B. Had some pretty good cupcakes.

C. Been turned temporarily insane, it seemed, by a kitchen sink.

D. Gotten a wingboner from said kitchen sink.

E. Caused hundreds of bits in property damage.

F. Quite possibly gotten banned from the best bakery in town.

...Huh.

It wasn’t like it was her fault or anything. It was the stupid sink! It was like it had some spell over her! Whenever she had looked it, her heart started beating faster, she began to sweat... It couldn't possibly be good for her health. She had only ever felt that way once before, at Junior Speedsters.

Yet, despite all the trouble it had caused her, Rainbow just couldn't get it out of her mind. Every time she tried to forget it, the sink just popped back into her mind.

'Oh, Celestia, what if I'm cursed? I wonder if Zecora has some tea or something—"

Suddenly, she stopped, mid-flight. "Wait," she said to the air, "what am I doing? I beat Nightmare Moon and Discord! I proved the Sonic Rainboom was real! And now I'm just gonna start running from a stupid sink? No! That thing can't get me down!" She flew high above the clouds, leaving a rainbow trail in her wake.

"I'm Rainbow Dash!"

She spread her arms wide, waiting for the inevitable crowd of cheering ponies. After a few seconds passed, and she realized that she was the only pony around, Rainbow smiled sheepishly and resumed flying.

“I’m way too awesome to be worrying about this,” she said as she landed in her front lawn. “I’ll just pay to fix up the wall, apologize to Mrs. Cake, and everything will turn out alright.”

The sun was setting in the west, creating a beautiful view at her vantage point. But Rainbow found herself unable to appreciate it as a large yawn escaped her lips. It was the price to pay for spending a day with Pinkie Pie.

With a flap of her wings, Rainbow brought herself up to her bedroom. Tank sat in the corner on his enchanted bed. Her eyes felt like weights. She hovered over to her own bed, laid down, and got some well deserved rest.

----------

It was dark. That was the first thing she noticed. It took a few moments for her eyes to adjust, but once they did, she realized what the wet feeling around her legs was. The ground was flooded with deep blue water. She was in some sort of maze. She began to walk forward, ignoring the pain of the cold water against her skin.

She had no idea where to go. Every turn seemed to lead to another turn, or a dead end. At points, she could have sworn she heard somepony—or, something—moving with her. After a few minutes of useless wading, she began to panic. Where was she?! Why was this happening?!

Barely containing the urge to scream, she rounded another corner. That was when she saw him.

Sitting in the middle of the water was Sink. He glanced at her lovingly. She knew that he was the key. He would make everything go away. He would make everything perfect. She cantered towards him, her heart beating faster with every step. He radiated sunlight, his warmth replacing the water’s chill.

She grabbed his wide basin and pulled him closer. “Oh, Sink...”

His drain curled into a smile. “Oh, Rainbow Dash...”

----------

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Rainbow Dash shot up in her bed, eyes wild. “Oh Celestia, oh Celestia, oh Celestia...what was that?! What did I just dream?!”

Her mind raced. Suddenly, it all came back to her: she had had that dream before. Years ago, at Junior Speedsters. Except, back then, it was about a colt she had a crush on.

It hit her like a ton of bricks.

Her queasy stomach. Her heart fluttering. Wanting to look nice.

She did all of those things for the colt, too.

She was in love.

She was in love with a kitchen sink.

----------

Down in Ponyville, the village was just waking up. The sun’s rays erupted through town, coating everything in it’s light.

At the same time, another thing erupted: a mysterious, high-pitched scream of despair, coming from the sky. Everypony who was already outside looked to each other in confusion. A few dogs barked. Birds scattered in droves. All three of the Flower Sisters fainted simultaneously.

----------

“No-no-no-no-no-no-no. This. Can’t. Be. Happening. I can’t be in love! Especially not with a sink!” Rainbow flitted around her house, suppressing the urge to just break down and start screaming again. “I-I-I’ve never been in a relationship before! How does it even work?!”

She began to think about all the relationships she had seen throughout her life. Usually they started out with a date, then came kissing, then they would... do things, then was marriage.

She couldn’t think of any restaurant that was likely to allow her to bring a sink in as her date. “Well, maybe that one place in Cloudsdale with the waitresses.”

How would one even kiss a sink? On the faucet?

She decided to skip thinking about the third step.

But that left her with the one stage she dreaded more than all: marriage.

I can’t get married! Nopony can pin me down! I still have so much I want to do with my life! Like, join the Wonderbolts...

With a pang of depression, she realized that joining the Wonderbolts was her only aspiration in life.

Still, it was something! None of the Wonderbolts were married! And marriage meant kids, and kids meant constant stress and responsibility. They were not for her.

“So, that settles it,” Rainbow declared as she reentered her bedroom. Her mane now looked even wilder than usual, her throat was sore, and her eyes were bloodshot. “I’m not in love. I’m not. Nope. No way.”

She laid back down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. After that, there was no way she was getting back to sleep, but she tried anyway. She closed her eyes. Almost immediately, Sink entered her eyelids.

“Ah! Mind, stop it! I just want to sleep.”

Once again, Sink’s glittering frame entered her mind’s eye. He was covered in pink flower petals.

Rainbow sat up, her heart racing and her wing threatening to extend at any moment.

There was no avoiding it. The truth was there, right in front of her, plain as day. She didn’t want to accept it, but she had to. It was now her life, her destiny, and it had to happen. She fell back onto the bed.

“I...I love him!”

Across the room, Tank gurgled.

Don’t judge me, turtle!

----------

“Thanks, come back soon!”

Derpy Hooves gave Pinkie a small smile and nod as she picked up her bag. “Thanks, muffin pony!” She trotted away.

“Next!”

Pinkie!” Rainbow yelled, bursting into the bakery. She had flown there as hard as she could. “I need to talk to you!”

“Dashie!” Pinkie cheered back, giggling. "I haven't seen you in forever! Or, at least it feels like forever! I think! I mean, I’ve never waited for a forever, so I don’t re—”

“Okay, okay!” Rainbow Dash landed in front of the counter where Pinkie was ranting. “Listen, Pinkie Pie, I need—”

“AHEM.”

Rainbow turned around, only to come snout-to-snout with Carrot Top. “I was waiting! No cutting in line!” Behind Carrot Top, a long line was forming. A few ponies were scattered around the shop, watching the scene unfold as they enjoyed their breakfast.

Pinkie Pie nodded. “That’s right! As cool and amazing and awesome-tastic as you are, Rainbow, you need to respect the rules of the line. And the first one is: no cutties!”

“Look, it’ll only take a second! Pinkie, I, uh, need to get into the kitchen.”

“Huh?” Pinkie asked, her smile fading. “Why?”

“There’s, uh, something I need to do—I mean, um, see, in the kitchen. So, if you’ll just let me through, I’ll be out of your mane.”

Pinkie frowned. “Sorry, Dashie, but I can’t do that!”

“What?! Why?”

The pink mare rubbed the back of her head. “The Cakes kinda told me that I can’t let ponies that don’t work here into the kitchen anymore...sorry.”

“Oh, come on!” Rainbow protested. “Is this about the shelves? That was just an accident! It’ll never happen again!”

“I’m sorry, Rainbow! But I really don’t want to make the Cakes upset. The twins have been super cranky, and that makes the Cakes super cranky! You saw how mad Mrs. Cake was!”

Rainbow sighed bitterly. “Fine. Then-”

“AHEM.”

“Oh, keep your mane on!” Rainbow yelled at the mare behind her. She flew out the door.

“Well, I never!”

“Bye, Dashie!” Pinkie called. “Come back soon! You never finished your cupcakes!”

As soon as she was outside, she sprinted upwards to a cloud that sat just above the bakery. “Drat,” she muttered. “I can’t get in by myself.

“Let’s see...what would Daring Do do? Uhm...” Her eyes lit up. “In book twelve, they wouldn’t let her into the Museum of Equestrian History because they thought she was the one trying to capture all their precious jewels! She used a disguise! That’s it! I need a disguise!

“But what...?”

----------

“Uh, who did you say you were again?”

Rainbow Dash subtly adjusted her moustache. "I'm the Sink Inspector!" she exclaimed in a strong baritone. "I'm here to inspect your sink!"

Mrs. Cake eyed the Inspector warily. She could have sworn that she had seen this pegasus before! But she knew for a fact that she had never met a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane, a black, scruffy moustache, a brown fedora, and a shining golden badge that read "The Inspector."

"Oh, well, why do you need to inspect our sink?"

The Inspector smiled. "It's my job! I'm under orders from Mayor Mare—no, Princess Celestia! I'm under orders from Princess Celestia to inspect every sink in Ponyville and give them a grade."

"I...see. Well, if you would just follow me, I'll show you to our kitchen," said Mrs. Cake. Turning her back to strange pony, she didn't notice the Inspector's face light up. The red-maned mare led her visitor out of the restaurant and into the kitchen. "Here we are! I'll be in the foyer. Just give me a holler if you need anything!"

The inspector gave a reassuring smile. Once alone, she turned to the sink with a seductive grin. She found herself involuntarily wiggling her hips as she cantered up to her chrome friend.

"Hey," she said. "I've been seeing you around here for a while. What's your name?"

A droplet of water fell from the faucet.

"Sink? Yeah, that's what I thought. I know this is kinda sudden and all, but: are you single?"

Sink stayed silent.

Rainbow cheered inwardly. "Oh. That's cool. I, uh...I noticed you looking at me before. Was there something you wanted to say?"

A small gurgle came from Sink's drain.

A fire ignited behind Rainbow's cheeks. "O-Oh! Wow! That's, uh, well." She moved a bit closer. "You know," she murmured, "I've never really been in love before. I always thought it was a waste of time. Oh my gosh, I'm sorry!" Rainbow moved away and covered her face with her hooves. "We just met, and I'm already hitting you with all this heavy stuff! I don't know, it's like you're making me crazy..."

Another droplet fell.

“You want to meet up later? Sure.” She put her hooves on the part of Sink that was connected to the counter. "But we're all alone now. Nopony can judge us."

She puckered her lips and moved toward his faucet—

"PHBBBBBBBT!"

Rainbow, her heart threatening to break her ribs, spun around. Sitting on the ground a few feet away were Pound and Pumpkin Cake. The former was giggling happily, while the latter was drooling on her own hooves.

"H-How much did you hear?!" Rainbow demanded. "I swear, it's not what it looks like!" She mouthed a quick 'I'm sorry' to her lover.

"Baba!" Pound Cake squealed, hitting the floor. "Daaaaah!"

Rainbow held a hooftip in front of her still-moustache-clad mouth. "Shhhhhhh! Can't you see I'm trying to be sneaky?!"

The foals sat, confused as to why the strange hairy pony with a shiny thing on her chest was shushing them. This, combined with the mysterious pain erupting from their gums, created a problem. Their brains were unable to find a suitable answer, so they retreated and launched their foolproof failsafe system.

They began to cry.

Rainbow Dash jumped. "Oh, no, no, stop crying! Uh, look!" She made a funny face. Instead of calming the babies, however, they just cried harder. "Oh, horsefeathers!"

"Pound Cake? Pumpkin Cake? What's going on in there?"

"Oh no! Nothing is wrong!" Rainbow cried in her normal voice. "Oh, uh, I mean, nothing is wrong!" Maybe she hadn't caught the slip-up?

"I'm coming in there!"

Rainbow whipped her head around desperately, looking for an out. The babies were crying, Mrs. Cake's hoofsteps were getting louder, Sink was tugging at her heartstrings with his damned reflected sunlight...

Wait. That was it! The sunlight was coming through the open window! With speed rivaling that of Spitfire herself, Rainbow shot out of the kitchen, through the window, through the bark of the tree right outside, and straight into the sky. She gave a small cheer as she slowed down. Sure, she probably had a concussion, but anything was worth her newfound relationship with Sink.

Back in the bakery, Mrs. Cake rushed into the kitchen, only to find her two children, alone and sobbing. "Oh, my babies!" she cried, galloping over. "What happened?! Did that pony hurt you?" The babies seemed to calm down a bit at the sight of their mother, but they still wailed loudly. Mrs. Cake grabbed them and held them over her shoulder. "Shush...momma's here..."

She walked over to the sink. Hanging from the windowsill was the Inspector's moustache. She regarded it with disgust. "That's the last time I trust a sink inspector!”

----------

Rainbow Dash swallowed hard. 'You can do this,' she thought. 'Remember, you've faced down dragons before, no sweat! This has nothing on that.' She gave the blue door in front of her a light rap. A few moments passed before the door opened with a magical flourish.

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique! How may I- Oh, Rainbow Dash! How delightful!"

"Yeah. Hi, Rarity." She cantered into the boutique. "Listen, I kinda, y’know, need help."

Rarity beamed. "Oh, it's about time you started coming to me for advice! There's so much I need to teach you!" She grabbed the pegasus in her magic. "Come! We'll start with table manners! I've come to notice that yours are the least bit...lackluster."

"Wait, Rarity, stop! I just have a question!"

The unicorn froze in her tracks and frowned. "Oh. Well, in that case..." She let go of her friend and pulled up two velvet cushions. The two sat down. "Ask away."

Rainbow shifted her hooves. "Okay. But, before I say anything, you have to promise not to laugh. I'm serious."

Rarity gave her friend an incredulous look. "Laugh? Moi? Why, I would never do something as base as that!” She held a hoof over her heart. “You have my utmost respect, Rainbow."

"Good." Rainbow smiled uneasily. "Okay. My question is: how do you impress somepony special?"

Rarity gaped. "Special?"

"Yeah. You know..." She blushed. “Somepony you like. Like, like like.”

Rarity tried to contain her giggles.

"Hey! You said you weren't going to laugh!"

"I'm sorry, Rainbow, really! But you have to admit, this is rather, oh, how to put it, unexpected. I never pegged you as one to proclaim your love in such a fashion. Especially not in front of me."

Rainbow's eyes widened. "I-I'm not doing that! What am I, a chump?"

Rarity smirked. "My dear, if that makes you a 'chump', then you are the chumpiest mare in all of Equestria. No offense, of course."

"But, I'm just- Oh, can you answer my question or not?!" 'I knew this was going to happen.'

"Of course I can, Rainbow. You came to the right unicorn." She stood up and walked over to a long rack of dresses. "I have read enough ro- Ahem, I mean, I have had enough experience to know that the only thing that attracts stallions is style. ...It is a stallion, right?"

Rainbow blinked. "Uh, sure."

"Good! I mean, not that I would have a problem if it were a mare. But this just makes it much easier. Do you know what he thinks of you?"

“Uh.” Rainbow thought hard. He had never said he liked her. Well, at least not in those exact words. He had asked her out on a date, though. “Yeah. I think he likes me too.”

“Wonderful!” Rarity smiled as she pulled out a frilly pink and red gown. "Here we are! Oh, it matches your eyes so well!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I am not wearing that thing! I do not do dresses!"

"Oh, come now, Rainbow Dash! I assure you, no stallion will be able to resist this! You will have ponies lining up to father your children!"

Rainbow went red. What would a pony/sink hybrid even look like? She could see it now: a little filly or colt, with her rainbow mane, their father's silver coat...maybe a pipe for a tail?

"Rarity, are you sure there's no other way? Aren't you supposed to, like, 'be yourself,' or whatever?"

Rarity laughed and shook her head in pity. "Oh, what an amateur mistake. Everypony knows that that never works!"

Rainbow Dash sighed bitterly and rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. "Fine. How much?"

"Free of charge!"

"Whoa, really?"

Rarity put a hoof on her friend's shoulder. "Rainbow Dash, you are my friend. I care about you. And may Celestia banish me if I don't do everything in my power to make you happy." She floated the now packaged dress to her friend. "Good luck. I expect details!"

Rainbow laid the dress over her wing. "Wow. Thanks, Rarity! You know, I never thought I'd say this, but this might actually be pretty cool!" She laughed a bit. All at once, her expression shifted to one of pure dread. "Oh Celestia what is happening to me."

"It's love, dear. True love."

----------

The moon served as the only source of light as Rainbow Dash trotted silently through Ponyville. Her new dress obstructed her wings, so flying was out of the question. It felt a bit weird, not being able to fly, but it was worth it if that was what would win over Sink.

It was strange, addressing him by a name. Just a day ago, he was just another household appliance. Now, he was so much more.

‘Get a hold of yourself, Rainbow. You can be sappy later.’

Not even a creak could be heard as Rainbow approached Sugarcube Corner. No light could be seen through any of the windows, giving the entire building a somewhat eerie quality. Not daring to try and break into the front, Rainbow trotted around the building until she came to the garden in back. From there, she had clear view of both the door and window that led into the kitchen.

Rainbow Dash stood on her hind legs to reach the window. "Shoot!" she whispered. "It's locked!" She peered downwards, only to feel her heart start racing. Sink's faucet was dripping rapidly, making an audible splat against the basin. As Rainbow felt the familiar warmth ignite in her body, she breathed hard onto the window, and traced a heart into the fog.

She jumped down to the back door, a few feet away. Pulling hard on the door, she found that it too was locked. How was she supposed to get in now? She couldn't wait another day! She had a date tonight! Besides, they wouldn't even let her in!

There was a sharp shuffling from above. "H-Hello?" Rainbow ducked into a nearby bush, silently cursing herself as a loud riiiip cut through the night. “Is somepony there?! I have an alligator, and I’m not afraid to use him!”

Rainbow peeked her head up. “Pinkie Pie? Is that you?”

Pinkie leaned out her window and regarded the scene. Despite it being near midnight, she still held the same joyous pomp that she did during the day. She gasped. “Rainbow Dash? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me!” She got out of the bush and grimaced. The bush had torn a long rip in the side of her dress, revealing her right wing. “Aw, Rarity’s gonna freak!”

“Dashie, are you wearing a dress?!” Pinkie yelped. She immediately broke out into a fit of giggles. “Dashie is wearing a dress! Hee hee!”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Hey, quiet down! Do you want to wake up the whole town?!”

Pinkie considered the question. “No, I don’t think so. Dashie, what are you doing here? It’s way past your bedtime!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Pinkie, can you let me in? I’ll explain once you’re down here.”

“Okay,” Pinkie said. She disappeared inside the house. Rainbow waited in the backyard for a minute before a sharp clack came from the door and it swung open. Pinkie stood in the doorway. “Come on in!”

“Sweet!” Rainbow cheered, taking her friend’s offer. As soon as she saw the object of her affection, her smile faded. “Listen, Pinkie, I know this is going to sound crazy. But...I think I’m in love with your sink.”

“I know!”

“Yeah, I know I’m pro— Wait, what? You know?”

Pinkie grinned. “Well, of course I know, silly! I heard all about it from Miss Dishwasher, his ex-wife! Besides, he talks about you all the time!”

“...H-He does?” Rainbow’s cheeks filled with blood as she took a nervous glance at her lover. “What does he say?”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Oh, lots of things! Sweet things! Funny things! Inappropriate things! Things that should never be repeated, especially not in front of fillies and colts!” She poked Rainbow in the side with a shoulder and gave her a mischievous glance. “He’s got the hots for you!”

“H-He does?”

“Yep!”

Rainbow beamed. “This is awesome! How do I look? What do I say?!”

“Just be yourself, silly!”

“Wait. Rarity said that doesn’t work! Isn’t she, like, the expert?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Trust me, Dashie. I’ve read enough fanfiction to know that you can be with anypony in the whole entire world! Even me!” Rainbow felt like making a comment, but decided against it. Instead, she just gazed lovingly at Sink. “Oh,” Pinkie said, “I think I’ll leave you two alone.” She smiled and trotted to the staircase.

Rainbow Dash gulped. Before she could chicken out and turn back, she forced her hooves to move forward, each step bringing her closer to her love. Her heart pounded in her chest, and, at this point, it became likely that her dinner was going to make a reappearance. But she managed to muster up the confidence to put her hooves on the counter, looking Sink right in the handles.

“Hey. I’m here, just like you wanted.” She glanced down at her ruined dress. “Yeah, sorry about the rip. I just wanted to make myself look nice for our date. I look like a foal.”

The pitter-patter of Sink’s drip against his basin stopped for the shortest moment.

Rainbow resisted the urge to melt. “You like me just the way I am?” ‘Yes! I knew Rarity was a hack!’ “I really like you too. You just make me go crazy. I can’t describe how I feel when you look at me! I know people will probably think we’re crazy, and I know it’s really sudden, but... I think I love you.” She winced, as if she were going to die right there.

Something shifted in his piping, making the faintest creaking noise.

“Y-You love me too?”

He gurgled.

The pegasus’ face went from blue to red. She could see what Pinkie meant when she warned about repeating this stuff to foals. Rainbow wrapped her hooves around her partner, his cold metal sending shockwaves throughout every inch of her body. She felt a sudden urge. She wanted to rip off her gown, attempt things that had never been attempted before, all with her loving Sink.

Yet, something felt wrong.

Rainbow got off him and looked around the empty kitchen. It felt cold; even colder than Sink’s skin. The silence was deafening. It was just so lonely. She looked back to her boyfriend. “You know, your house is cool and all, but I really wish we could leave. You know, go somewhere special for our first date.”

Without warning, Pinkie Pie popped up behind Rainbow and laid a hoof over her shoulder. “That can be arranged!”

Rainbow nearly jumped out of her dress.

----------

Rainbow sat outside Sugarcube Corner, her ruined dress in a bunch next to her. Pinkie had told her to wait outside a few minutes ago, and she still hadn’t returned. The bakery was as quiet as ever. Was this a prank or something? The pegasus could always appreciate a good prank, but keeping her away from her date just wasn’t funny.

Just as Rainbow was getting ready to take her chances and bust back in, Pinkie bounded around the corner. “Dashie, I have a surprise for you!”

“Really? What is it? Where’s Sink?”

Pinkie ducked back around into the backyard. She returned just a few seconds later, with a new object in tow.

“SINK!” Rainbow yelped, speeding up to her lover. He was completely free of the counter that had been around him. A thick pipe hung from his basin, and the chrome plating that Rainbow loved so dearly seemed to shine ever brighter now that he had been liberated from his makeshift prison. Rainbow grabbed him and hugged him tight, barely resisting the urge to slobber him with kisses. “Pinkie, how did you—”

Pinkie lifted one hoof to her friend’s mouth. “You kids go have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow, right? I mean, if you’re not too worn out.”

Rainbow’s face boiled. “Pinkie Pie! Not in front of Sink!”

“Oops! Sorry, Mr. Sink! I’ll leave you two alone.” She turned away. But before Rainbow could say another word, she spun back around and sang into her friend’s ear: “I call godmother!” She bounded away.

Rainbow smiled before looking at her new boyfriend seductively. “Let’s go back to my place...”

She could have sworn she saw him smile back.

----------

“I’m afraid you have tetanus,” Doctor Stable said. He was reading off a long clipboard. "It says that you most likely caught it from 'indecent relations' with a sink.” He stood for a moment, before rereading the papers. “Wait, what?"

Rainbow was sitting on a long bed and wearing a hospital gown. She grit her teeth. "That little sneak! He told me he was clean!"

The yellow unicorn blinked. "Rainbow Dash, are you leading me to believe that you were with a sink? How is that even possible?"

The pegasus' face suddenly darkened. She grabbed the doctor and shook him. "Wait, is the baby going to be okay?!"

"I, you-" Stable stuttered. He grasped for the right words. "Since when are you pregnant?! How have I not heard about this? Are you telling me that this... object is the father, too?"

Rainbow's eyes began to well up with tears. "Yeah!" she yelped. "And the jerk won't even pay child support!"

Comments ( 310 )

I'm so sorry.

...

:rainbowwild:

I haven't even read it, and my mind is going :what:
I'm obliging myself to read this..... tomorrow.

I kind of want to read it but... in love with a sink? huh... I'll read it later.

That was one of the funniest, strangest love stories I have ever read in my life!

Wha...Why...huh? The hell did...The fuck just happened!? Awesome story...but...Seriously, the fuck just happened?

What the fu... I dont even... WTF IS HAPPENING!?!?!?

Seriously?:facehoof::rainbowlaugh:

It's official. RD has been shipped with just about everything... Including the kitchen Sink.

This reminds me of a FluttershyxBloomberg shipfic that I once read, except this one is actually funny as intended.

I saw that on Equestria Daily

YYYYEEESSS! Randomness! I'll be back tommorrow! :yay::yay:

Silverstein222 out!

474210
My thoughts exactly! She's been with everypony... "But the Kitchen Sink"... until now. :facehoof:

474308

Well that's not exactly true. I've checked the archives and found that she hasn't been shipped with Zecora... yet. You hear that ship builders, your slipping. Get on it.

What is this I don't even..... Dammit.

I was certain that this was going to be another run-of-the-mill parody, good for a few hearty chuckles and nothing more...

But it turns out that if you isolate it from its premise, this actually stands up as a very well-written and entertaining story in its own right. It's clear that the author has expended a not insignficant amount of thought, time, and effort on making this thing work. Oh yeah, and it was super funny as well. Kudos!

Aw, yeah. :rainbowdetermined2: Serious satire is the best satire. Kudos for not half-assing it just because it's a joke, that just makes it ten times funnier. And I think out goes without saying that I approve of the premise. :trixieshiftright:

OH GOD WHY CAN'T I STOP LAUGHING

475006
Did...did you just draw that? If so, that's awesome.

475031
Nope, t's an old one by cartoonlion

Is it just me? or is the ad bellow the story for a kitchen sink?

I swear, I read about this on a 4chan thread...lordy, it came true...

Just finished reading it
Why can't I stop laughing

475368 Weirdly enough, I think I saw the same thread. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry

As for the story: brilliant. You took a weird concept and than ran with it under serious conditions. RDXSink 4evar (even if he gave her tetanus...)

I am laughing SO HARD right now. And I CAN'T STOP.

You, sir, win the entire Internet.

:yay:

I honestly love fics like this, where the subject matter is taken seriously, despite it being completely out-of-this-universe ridiculous. It adds all the more to the comedic aspect of it. Great job!

That. Was. AWESOME!!! And weird. And totally perfect. :derpyderp1: still don't know what just happened, but I'm really happily confused.

Excellent story. :moustache:

This was hilarious.
Then the ending.

WAHT TEH FCUK!?

This was so funny! I actually had to take a few breaks to catch my breath.
But the weird thing is that this is actually possible and has hapened #4 on this list
Wikipedia
Now don't you feel bad for laughing? :ajsmug:

:rainbowlaugh: oh god, that was the funniest thing i've ever read!

I’ve read enough fanfiction to know that you can be with anypony in the whole entire world!

Normally I don't approve of Pinkie breaking the fourth wall, mostly because it isn't half as fun as you buckers think, but this, this is goddamn hilarious! As is, of course, rest of the fic. It contains all the standard elements of a shipping fic, only twisted in a sick and wrong fashion. Wonderful!

:fluttercry: that was the most... most romantic fanfic ever :fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

:rainbowwild: : The reason I am with a sink . . . img.ponibooru.org/_images/e306412ae9043542ed467eb8d9168e6b/89768%20-%20forever_alone%20macro%20rainbow_dash.png

Seriously though, she is either confused about her sexuality, or she just a pony who like to fornicate with. . . .everything.

473220

No, you're not :D

This is PRETTY good, but obviously non-canon.

I mean, seriously, in this fic Dash is STRAIGHT?

Come on... that's just breaking the suspension of disbelief.

This has got to be the biggest serving of WAT I have ever witnessed.

....Dafuq?

I dont even.....

what happened? my mind is blank... anyone got mind bleach btw......

I didn't read the whole description. I don't regret it, because if I did, I'd probably think it's too silly to read. This way, I just came inside to see what metaphor does a sink stand for in relationship between Pinkie and Dash (I expected that pairing).

I have no regrets. :rainbowderp:

I was in love with a sink once.....it broke my heart...ill read this tomorrow

whyboner

That last part...

funny, funny stuff! :rainbowlaugh:

That's shameful bro. :pinkiesick: Made the rest of the shipping fics look stupid. Anyway, Sink is best appliance. :rainbowkiss:

Is it odd that I was hoping for a clop scene between Dash and Sink?

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