• Member Since 25th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen July 1st

Vitaixe


Over-enthusiastic brony. Sour Sweet is best human.

T
Source

How much can a baby dragon take? Countless chores, orders, rejections... What happens when the said dragon gets enough?

Rated Teen for swearing
Cover art vector Sad Spike made by XxWingsxOnxVenxX
All the characters are trademarks of Hasbro and are only used in entertaining purposes.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 121 )

Well,you have me curious about what will happen when Spike finally snaps.

This fanfic… continue.

You keep using 'red' in place of 'read'.

I bet Spike will say.....

This looks pretty good so far! :twilightsmile:
Mistakes and stuff below.


Luckily the library is in alphabetical order: otherwise finding the right place for these books could take hours!

Don't need the colon there.

"Hey Applebloom, do you need something?" I asked. "Hey Spike, Applejack send me here to borrow some cooking books to try something new!" Applebloom answered cheerfuly. "That's great! Come, the section for cooking books is this way,"

New speaker needs a new line.

It was probably just Twilight: This kind of nightwalking happens a lot.

Replace the colon with a semi-colon and make the 'T' lowercase.

But I have to go: Applejack is probably already concerned about what's taking so long!

Replace colon with semi-colon.

dame already in Popular Stories good job:moustache:

Red should be read, you might not want to use grunted all the time try grumbled, muttered, etc.
Otherwise, it's doing good!

5029990 You'll see :)
5030058 Will do!
5030059 Then I shall write the next chapter ;)
5030078 Thanks for correcting!
5030426 You bet :D
5030450 That's just the criticism I wanted! Will edit all mistakes :)
5030483 Do I smell a quote?
5030546 Thank you very much!
5030554 I'll try to remember that in the future.
And to everybody at once: thanks for reading!

Well aside from the fact that you need an editor, and the 'coverart' being merely a screenshot...
i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s---Z1Sp_FI--/185bumh70n5kvjpg.jpg

good... but I think you could have don't the whole story in 1 chapter, but that's just me any ways i'll read again if you make another chapter so yea Russian approves comrade

A good start, but I think I'll need to see where this goes. Favorited anyway, let's see your tale good sir/ma'am!

5031304 Surprisingly, no.

5031839 Well, if you ask so kindly :)
5032184 I don't know about a one chapter, this is going to be pretty long.
5032620 Sir is fine :)
5033148 Well that's just too bad.
Thanks for reading and favoriting!

the first thing I thought while reading this (other than needing an editor) was if he could send Celestia a message saying something like: "I know this may seem kinda strange, but is it possible for you to send somepony here to the castle to observe what's going on? I feel like something's very wrong and I want someone without a bias to watch over (invisibly if possible) what's happening around me..." or something... but the posibility of Spike getting amazing powers from those whispering voices sound amazing as well!!

But either way, I can't wait to read more

*Nods* Not too shabby though like most times I suggest working on the length. :pinkiesmile:

5033816 We'll see about that :)
5034052 This is just the prologue, I promise the next chapter is much longer :)

5029990 5030059 5030426 5030483

Soon, very soon the camel's back will give out.

Oh no, if this is going to have clop then I am not continueing to read this, man.
:ajbemused:
I-I just don't do clop, nnononon
NONONOOOOOOOOO!
:flutterrage:
:fluttershbad:
:fluttershyouch:

This is an interesting beggining.

The dream was suddenly interrupted when a shout came from downstairs.

You need to both say that he was dreaming, and possibly clarify what the dream was a about [you don't have to go into insane detail. But something along the lines of "dreaming of [object] / [situation] / [brief synopsis of dream]."]. Otherwise we don't know that he was dreaming before hand. Or you could change "The dream" to "His sleep" or "His slumber".

_________________

Daydreaming was suddenly interrupted when the door slammed open.

Same as above. What daydream? Or find a word that fits the situation [don't know what that is since he's just looking at the picture, but http://www.thesaurus.com/ is a great site for looking up stuff.

___________________

"It's not a big job to clean up the downstairs! You were just slacking!" Twilight grunted.
"You're grounded for the rest of the week! And no buts, mister!" She said before leaving the room.

Move down one line, and connect the bit of dialog beneath Twilight grunted to connect to that line.
_______________

"Great, only tuesday and I will be inside for the rest of the week." I muttered to myself. Not that I mind staying inside, since I've been a lot inside recently. On summer holiday, I can't think anything to do. Cutie Mark Crusaders haven't needed my help with any of their tricks lately, let alone Rarity with her dresses. Sometimes I feel like they're evading me, but I try to get those thoughts out of my mind.

its only

Tuesday

inside a lot

On a summer holiday [which one?]

The Cutie Mark Crusaders
_____________________________

. I'm maybe a baby in dragon years, but I've learned so much living in the library that I'm couple years ahead of everyone in my school!

I

Spike doesn't go to school. He works. If not for Twilight then for Rarity. He works a stallions job. Well several stallions / adults.

_________________________

I would do anything than cleaning up.

other than
______________

"Hey Spike, Applejack send me here to borrow some cooking books to try something new!" Applebloom answered cheerfuly.
"That's great! Come, the section for cooking books is this way," I told her trying to sound normal when in reality I was really tired and irritated.

Separate Speakers get their own lines. Please break up dialog and separate them.
__________________________

But atleast she could try to stay quiet when she gets back home.

at least
_________________

Okay, so constructive criticism.

1) Each new speaker gets there own line of dialog. And that line is separated by one line. Same as you'd do for a paragraph.

2) Clarify! If they are dreaming, what's the dream about? If they are thinking about / pondering something, what's on their mind? Etc.; Or if you don't want to do that, or you don't want to re-write that they were doing that thing. Go to the thesaurus link, or even an online dictionary to find a word that might fit better if you're not sure.

3) You started this fic in third person narrative, then shifted into first person. Either pick telling the story in one form or the other. Also you have really weird shifts from past tense to present tense when he's technically thinking to himself. If he is thinking to himself [internal monologue] then italicize it. Otherwise, you never mix tenses. If you write in past tense all of the fic needs to be in past tense. Although technically you could get away with it if it's italicized as a personal thought. Since he is thinking it at that time.

And that's it really. Watch your tenses and perspective, clarify things, and make sure that you watch your dialog. Honestly mixed feelings. On one hand you really need an editor before you submit. On the other, it's not that bad of a story. I'll give this fic one, possibly two more chapters before I make up my mind on whether to leave or stay.

5033324 well okay bro I'll keep reading

Am I the only one who thinks Spike looks like a baus in the cover?
:moustache:

5034729 Baby you gotta let me kno-ooowww...

Should I stay or should I go?

:raritycry:

^^Me trying to sing.

5034683

It's Teen, not Mature, so any "clop" is likely to be very subtle/tasteful. Like a scene in a PG-13 film where there's some cover-ruffling action and a cutaway.

5036104

:scootangel: *evil grins* :scootangel:

Seriously though your "song" reminded me of Night at the Roxburry. So I decided to pick a random MLP PMV to post up in response.

5035894 Oh ok, but what do you mean "tasteful"?

5036233

It'll be left to your imagination what's going on. :twilightsheepish:

5036244 If it's bad, Ima not gonna read it missy......:ajbemused:

Spike opened his eyes

I answered

We have a tense problem. The first paragraph is third person, then without warning it abruptly shifts into first person.

only tuesday

That should be capitalized.

I would do anything than cleaning up.

This line reads weird, like it's missing a few words. A better line would be 'I would rather do anything than clean up'. Or 'I would rather do anything than clean up.'

"Hey Applebloom, do you need something?" I asked. "Hey Spike, Applejack send me here to borrow some cooking books to try something new!" Applebloom answered cheerfuly.

Since you have two different speakers you need to put them in separate paragraphs. Like so-

"Hey Applebloom, do you need something?" I asked.
"Hey Spike, Applejack send me here to borrow some cooking books to try something new!" Applebloom answered cheerfully.

Also, cheerfully has two Ls.

It didn't take long when I had found a couple cooking books and given them to Applebloom.

More wonky lines. This works better-
It didn't take long for me to find a couple cooking books and give them to Applebloom.

But I have to go, Applejack is probably already concerned about what's taking so long!

And this is confusing. The previous line states it didn't take long to get done at all, as in a few minutes. So, why would AJ be worried about it 'taking so long'? Either it took a while to find the books or it didn't.

I can just hope everything will turn alright.

*turn out alright.

It looks interesting but, you need to proofread before publishing/find someone to proofread it for you to catch these things before it goes out. And a tiny nitpick but, AB's name is written as Apple Bloom, rather than Applebloom.

I like where this is going.

5/5 moustache rating for the cliff hanger

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

There's missing newline, look for: I asked. "Hey Spike,

Change of narration from third to first person was weird (or it is just me).

You have my curiosity. Do not fail me. :raritywink:

5034683 There's two sentences of clop in the next chapter without any details that would be considered sex. It's just there to explain some things, I promise!
5034692 Thanks! Already writing Chapter 1 :)
5034729 That was just the response I wanted. I will try to find an editor, just wait! I'll try to fix every mistake you told me :)
5035879 No you're not :)
5035894 Exactly.
5036736 And even more of this awesome kind of criticism! Will fix the 1st person/
3rd person problem in the future.
5038917 Thanks a lot!
5039731 I shall not fail you! The double personalities will be gone in the future :)
And once again, thanks to everybody for reading!

5039788

You're welcome, and best of luck in finding an editor :twilightsmile:.

5040796 Of course! Cross my heart, hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye!

5029990

Most likely? He'll keep snapping until there's nothing left, if you catch my meaning.

I thought the library got blown up by Tirek

5043888 It was, but they rebuilded it. Well atleast in this fic they did.

5044154 Could've stated that. Plus, why would she need a library? She's got an awesome castle now and the library was just a tree

First, I would recomend you read this aloud. Some of the more awkward word constructions could have been avoided had you done that. Second, you should check out FiMFiction's Writer's Guide, especially the section on dialogue. Otherwise, mechanically speaking, this looks good.

Now, as a bit of a fanfiction fanatic, I've read everything from garbage to gold, so trust me when I say I can guess exactly where this story is going. Spike continues to be Twilight's slave until he cracks, at which point there is a fight. This is a classic setup for a bash-fic, where the author beats up on a character. Be careful about how you do this, especially with Twilight as your victim. In canon, she is a respectable, likeable character who is on many peoples' best-pony lists. She's also a sympathetic/empathetic character who is the Princess of Friendship and a member of the Elements of Harmony, which says a metric fuckton about her character. So if she deviates too much from her canon personality without a very, very good reason, you are not going to have a very good reception.

Also, something that amature writers don't seem to understand very well is that by making one character less likeable, they only increase the relative likeability of that character's opponents, not the absolute likeability. You want your characters to be as absolutely likeable as possible.

Hope this helps! Good luck with your writing. :pinkiehappy:

5044791 Someone obviously likes worst pony

Will there ever be a 'Spike is mistreated and runs away' fic where Spike isn't a whiny, pampered idiot?

Not today, that's for sure!

5047982

There are a few of those, but he's whiny at the start

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