Over-enthusiastic brony. Sour Sweet is best human.
How much can a baby dragon take? Countless chores, orders, rejections... What happens when the said dragon gets enough?
Rated Teen for swearing
Cover art vector Sad Spike made by XxWingsxOnxVenxX
All the characters are trademarks of Hasbro and are only used in entertaining purposes.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well,you have me curious about what will happen when Spike finally snaps.
This fanfic… continue.
You keep using 'red' in place of 'read'.
I bet Spike will say.....
This is going to end in tears, I just know it.
img0.joyreactor.cc/pics/comment/Dark-Souls-%D1%84%D1%8D%D0%BD%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%BC%D1%8B-Dark-Souls-2-%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%BF%D0%B0%D0%B1%D0%BE%D0%BB%D1%8C-1108780.png
dame already in Popular Stories good job
Red should be read, you might not want to use grunted all the time try grumbled, muttered, etc.
Otherwise, it's doing good!
5029990 You'll see :)
5030058 Will do!
5030059 Then I shall write the next chapter ;)
5030078 Thanks for correcting!
5030426 You bet :D
5030450 That's just the criticism I wanted! Will edit all mistakes :)
5030483 Do I smell a quote?
5030546 Thank you very much!
5030554 I'll try to remember that in the future.
And to everybody at once: thanks for reading!
Well aside from the fact that you need an editor, and the 'coverart' being merely a screenshot...
i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s---Z1Sp_FI--/185bumh70n5kvjpg.jpg
A good start, but I think I'll need to see where this goes. Favorited anyway, let's see your tale good sir/ma'am!
5031304 Surprisingly, no.
5031839 Well, if you ask so kindly :)
5032184 I don't know about a one chapter, this is going to be pretty long.
5032620 Sir is fine :)
5033148 Well that's just too bad.
Thanks for reading and favoriting!
5033324
pony.cscdn.us/pic/photo/2012/12/39d3ff4dc7440068dc0bf1abd85c0246_1024.jpg
the first thing I thought while reading this (other than needing an editor) was if he could send Celestia a message saying something like: "I know this may seem kinda strange, but is it possible for you to send somepony here to the castle to observe what's going on? I feel like something's very wrong and I want someone without a bias to watch over (invisibly if possible) what's happening around me..." or something... but the posibility of Spike getting amazing powers from those whispering voices sound amazing as well!!
But either way, I can't wait to read more
*Nods* Not too shabby though like most times I suggest working on the length.
5033816 We'll see about that :)
5034052 This is just the prologue, I promise the next chapter is much longer :)
5034176 Looking forward to it.
5029990 5030059 5030426 5030483
Soon, very soon the camel's back will give out.
Oh no, if this is going to have clop then I am not continueing to read this, man.
I-I just don't do clop, nnononon
NONONOOOOOOOOO!
This is an interesting beggining.
You need to both say that he was dreaming, and possibly clarify what the dream was a about [you don't have to go into insane detail. But something along the lines of "dreaming of [object] / [situation] / [brief synopsis of dream]."]. Otherwise we don't know that he was dreaming before hand. Or you could change "The dream" to "His sleep" or "His slumber".
_________________
Same as above. What daydream? Or find a word that fits the situation [don't know what that is since he's just looking at the picture, but http://www.thesaurus.com/ is a great site for looking up stuff.
___________________
Move down one line, and connect the bit of dialog beneath Twilight grunted to connect to that line.
_______________
its only
Tuesday
inside a lot
On a summer holiday [which one?]
The Cutie Mark Crusaders
_____________________________
I
Spike doesn't go to school. He works. If not for Twilight then for Rarity. He works a stallions job. Well several stallions / adults.
_________________________
other than
______________
Separate Speakers get their own lines. Please break up dialog and separate them.
__________________________
at least
_________________
Okay, so constructive criticism.
1) Each new speaker gets there own line of dialog. And that line is separated by one line. Same as you'd do for a paragraph.
2) Clarify! If they are dreaming, what's the dream about? If they are thinking about / pondering something, what's on their mind? Etc.; Or if you don't want to do that, or you don't want to re-write that they were doing that thing. Go to the thesaurus link, or even an online dictionary to find a word that might fit better if you're not sure.
3) You started this fic in third person narrative, then shifted into first person. Either pick telling the story in one form or the other. Also you have really weird shifts from past tense to present tense when he's technically thinking to himself. If he is thinking to himself [internal monologue] then italicize it. Otherwise, you never mix tenses. If you write in past tense all of the fic needs to be in past tense. Although technically you could get away with it if it's italicized as a personal thought. Since he is thinking it at that time.
And that's it really. Watch your tenses and perspective, clarify things, and make sure that you watch your dialog. Honestly mixed feelings. On one hand you really need an editor before you submit. On the other, it's not that bad of a story. I'll give this fic one, possibly two more chapters before I make up my mind on whether to leave or stay.
Am I the only one who thinks Spike looks like a baus in the cover?
5034729 Baby you gotta let me kno-ooowww...
Should I stay or should I go?
^^Me trying to sing.
5034683
It's Teen, not Mature, so any "clop" is likely to be very subtle/tasteful. Like a scene in a PG-13 film where there's some cover-ruffling action and a cutaway.
5035888
5036051 Wat
5036104
Seriously though your "song" reminded me of Night at the Roxburry. So I decided to pick a random MLP PMV to post up in response.
5035894 Oh ok, but what do you mean "tasteful"?
5036233
It'll be left to your imagination what's going on.
5036244 If it's bad, Ima not gonna read it missy......
5036193 Okai
We have a tense problem. The first paragraph is third person, then without warning it abruptly shifts into first person.
That should be capitalized.
This line reads weird, like it's missing a few words. A better line would be 'I would rather do anything than clean up'. Or 'I would rather do anything than clean up.'
Since you have two different speakers you need to put them in separate paragraphs. Like so-
Also, cheerfully has two Ls.
More wonky lines. This works better-
It didn't take long for me to find a couple cooking books and give them to Applebloom.
And this is confusing. The previous line states it didn't take long to get done at all, as in a few minutes. So, why would AJ be worried about it 'taking so long'? Either it took a while to find the books or it didn't.
*turn out alright.
It looks interesting but, you need to proofread before publishing/find someone to proofread it for you to catch these things before it goes out. And a tiny nitpick but, AB's name is written as Apple Bloom, rather than Applebloom.
There's missing newline, look for: I asked. "Hey Spike,
Change of narration from third to first person was weird (or it is just me).
You have my curiosity. Do not fail me.
5034683 There's two sentences of clop in the next chapter without any details that would be considered sex. It's just there to explain some things, I promise!
5034692 Thanks! Already writing Chapter 1 :)
5034729 That was just the response I wanted. I will try to find an editor, just wait! I'll try to fix every mistake you told me :)
5035879 No you're not :)
5035894 Exactly.
5036736 And even more of this awesome kind of criticism! Will fix the 1st person/
3rd person problem in the future.
5038917 Thanks a lot!
5039731 I shall not fail you! The double personalities will be gone in the future :)
And once again, thanks to everybody for reading!
5039788
You're welcome, and best of luck in finding an editor
.
5039788 Okay!
Pinkie Promise?
5040796 Of course! Cross my heart, hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye!
5029990
Most likely? He'll keep snapping until there's nothing left, if you catch my meaning.
5041068 YES!
OKAY, LET"S DO THIS!
I thought the library got blown up by Tirek
5043888 It was, but they rebuilded it. Well atleast in this fic they did.
5044154 Could've stated that. Plus, why would she need a library? She's got an awesome castle now and the library was just a tree
First, I would recomend you read this aloud. Some of the more awkward word constructions could have been avoided had you done that. Second, you should check out FiMFiction's Writer's Guide, especially the section on dialogue. Otherwise, mechanically speaking, this looks good.
Now, as a bit of a fanfiction fanatic, I've read everything from garbage to gold, so trust me when I say I can guess exactly where this story is going. Spike continues to be Twilight's slave until he cracks, at which point there is a fight. This is a classic setup for a bash-fic, where the author beats up on a character. Be careful about how you do this, especially with Twilight as your victim. In canon, she is a respectable, likeable character who is on many peoples' best-pony lists. She's also a sympathetic/empathetic character who is the Princess of Friendship and a member of the Elements of Harmony, which says a metric fuckton about her character. So if she deviates too much from her canon personality without a very, very good reason, you are not going to have a very good reception.
Also, something that amature writers don't seem to understand very well is that by making one character less likeable, they only increase the relative likeability of that character's opponents, not the absolute likeability. You want your characters to be as absolutely likeable as possible.
Hope this helps! Good luck with your writing.
5044791 Someone obviously likes worst pony
Will there ever be a 'Spike is mistreated and runs away' fic where Spike isn't a whiny, pampered idiot?
Not today, that's for sure!
5047982
There are a few of those, but he's whiny at the start
5047982 That's kind of hard to make, considering Spike is still a baby dragon.
5044791 Again, the ever so good constructive criticism. English is not my first language, so I'm trying to find an editor. I have read many Spike fanfics too, and they all have an element for different endings just like this one. That prediction is still not completely wrong, though. The desc even hints that. I promise this will be great :)
And once again, thanks for reading!
5036051 They need to just make the 1:56 mark just loop infinitely with a higher def. And without the watermarks.
5049266 I can help with the grammar mistakes. I've taken to editing as of late.
GREAT STORY!
Keep writing!