• Member Since 8th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen 59 minutes ago

Whinifree


Your friendly neighborhood snuggle dragon! :heart:

T

It's time once again for Nightmare Night and the citizens of Ponyville are ready for another night of candy, costumes, ghost stories, and more. After Twilight Sparkle taught her the true meaning of Nightmare Night one year prior, Princess Luna takes the day off from her royal duties and joins in the festivities. But when Ponyville suddenly comes under attack by a mysterious force, Luna is discovered missing in the aftermath. What's more, this force is being commanded by a malicious creature wielding a terrible power that the ponies have actually heard of, but know nothing about.

Once again, Twilight and her friends must take up the Elements of Harmony in defense of everything they hold dear, but if Equestria is to have any real hope of surviving against this force, the ponies must first unravel the mysteries of the power that threatens them.


-some clarification: the “Lords” in the title is figurative.
-Multi-Act story (technically an epic. will be long). Each Act constitutes a "book" in the series.
Act 1 - A Tale of Two Sisters. Status: complete. Final word count: 72k
Act 2 - Shadow of Malice. Status: in-progress. Current word count: 66k
-Takes place mid season 3, before Keep Calm and Flutter On.
-This story assumes there's a one-year time frame for each season of the TV show, give or take a couple months here and there.


Was on hiatus from 4/18 - 8/18 due to lack of an editor.
Many thanks to BronyDad for his help with editing!
New editor as of October 2019: Vertigo22
Cover art by Tzolkine on DeviantArt. Unfortunately, the page 404s every time I try to look at it. This wallpaper was found on google and pinterest.
The time-stamp for Act 1 - The First Adventure is wrong. I revised it and re-released it on 3/1/15.

Chapters (23)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 168 )

Okay, here I am! Sorry it took me so long, my 18 month old got a fever and we have had several endless nights here. Now, she is sleeping and the oldest is at school, so... Let's do this!!!

The very first sentence needs to be indented.

Standing proud upon the peak of Canterlot Mountain, Princess Celestia gazed across the land as the moon descended below the horizon, retracting its illumination from the gentle ocean surface.

I like this, but the sentence should end at horizon. I think you should merge the last part of this sentence with the next one. "The wind swept through her mane as she watched the moon's soft illumination retract from the gentle ocean surface." Also:

All was peaceful, her time had come again.

This is a subject change and needs to be a new paragraph. Then the next sentence is Celestia unfurling her wings and taking flight which is another subject change, so it needs to start a new paragraph as well.

Great description here, but

Princess of the Day

Isn't she the Princess of the Sun?

down towards

down toward the towers. There is no need for the 's.' Same with forward and backward.

Celestia descended down towards the shimmering towers of Canterlot Castle and landed upon the soft earth of the gardens.

You need a comma after the word castle. You can tell because the sentence: "She landed upon the soft earth of the gardens" is a complete sentence on its own, so a comma is needed beforehand.

It made her smile.

Omit this. The next line she speaks and is beaming, so telling us she is smiling here is redundant.

“Good morning once again,” she beamed.

Should be "Good morning once again." She beamed. If you follow dialogue with an action, it needs to be a period.

At the opposite end of the gardens, sat Princess Luna, her attention focused on the sky.

remove the comma after gardens.

Celestia smiled again and with a gleeful jaunt in her step moved closer to join her sister's side.

I don't think jaunt is the word you're wanting here. Maybe a gleeful spring in her step? Also, you need a comma after again, and another one after step. And I think you should just say she joined her sister at her side. Saying that she moved closer to join her is redundant because you just said that she was moving with a gleeful jaunt in her step.

Luna gave no response or indication that she had heard the call. Celestia paused.

Should be: "Celestia paused as Luna gave no response or indication that she had heard the call."

Celestia felt a sudden chill that flowed through her entire body but there was no wind present in the garden.

Using but here is kind of awkward, try using something else. Maybe: "Although it was a pleasantly warm morning, a sudden chill flowed through Celestia's entire body."

“Luna!” she screamed. “You must get away from here!”

Perfect punctuation.

Luna was quiet, she only maintained her smile as the world around them dissolved away into nothing

"Luna simply smiled as the world around them dissolved away into nothing." I'm noticing that you sometimes get too wordy, and become redundant. Try to work at this.

I don't understand what the following double space means. Did time progress? I'm assuming that this is just a vision, but I'm not sure yet. If it is just a vision, I'd suggest that you remove the spacing and start the next sentence with, suddenly or without warning. If time did progress, then you could still do something along those lines without using the double space.

She gasped and looked at the sky: It was dark and painted with stars.

You don't really need a colon here. Honestly, I'd recommend that you don't use colons at all. It was dark and painted with stars could be its own paragraph, since the next line is a subject change and needs to start a new paragraph as well. Also, it should be: She gasped as she looked at the sky.

smiled: It was Twilight Sparkle and her friends.

Again, remove the colon. Also, don't bother telling us that it was Twilight and friends, as you will tell us again two lines later. Just leave it as, she recognized them. Then the next line could be:

"My friends, I'm so glad to see you all," Celestia said as she trotted over and gave each of them a warm nuzzle.

Meteors raced and danced across the vastness of space,

Start a new paragraph here.

Celestia and the six ponies stared in wonderment

and another one here.

Celestia spread her wings and fled. The comet blitzed past Twilight and her friends as they ducked out of its path. When Celestia looked behind herself to see if her friends were safe, she saw they had disappeared

Here as well. Also, I can't help but think that this is incredibly OOC for Celestia. She would stand her ground and try to shield Twilight and the others, not flee and leave them in its path. I think she should move in front of them and cast a shielding spell, it hits them, and then she opens her eyes and finds herself all alone.

To her amazement, the corridor looked similar to the interior of Canterlot Castle.

Start a new paragraph here.

She stopped at one in particular;

New one here too.

In the room's center, laying on the stone floor, was Princess Luna.

While this could be connected with the paragraph it is in, I feel you should make it its own for dramatic effect.

What happened sister?

You need a comma after happened.

gazed at Celestia in question.

Huh? Do you mean she looked at Celestia questioningly?

Celestia stared. “What do you mean sister?” she asked.

Remove she asked.

“What are you talking about Luna? The ponies are overjoyed to have you back with us. They are not ignoring you.” stated Celestia.

Wait...so this is after Luna came back from the moon? Well...I guess that makes sense because you mentioned Twi's friends, but...you need to make this more apparent. I suggest when she first sees Luna in the garden Celestia should think to herself how nice it is to have her sister back, that will eliminate the confusion I just experienced.

towards

Don't need the 's.' Now I'm being redundant.:twilightblush:

Tears formed in her eyes.

This should be merged with either the sentence before or after it. Also, the Celestia was speechless bit needs to start a new paragraph.

Celestia opened her eyes and let out a groan

New paragraph.

Celestia channeled the energies inside of her

New paragraph.

This was pretty cool. You handle scene building really well, and apart from Celestia flying off and leaving Twilight and Co. to be smashed by a comet, you did a good job keeping them in character. You just need to work at being a bit less wordy and your paragraphs. Most paragraphs should be 3 to 4 sentences at most. If you get to 5 or more, you probably have a subject change somewhere. I like this story and am interested to see where it will go. I'm not sure when I'll manage to look over chapter 2, but I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you again soon, and great job!

Great revision! There are just two final things I wanted to point out.

The sky was dark and painted with stars.
The moon hung high and showered its light upon the rocky face of Equestria's central mountain.

These two can be one paragraph because they are both describing the sky, stars, and moon.

It swirled and twisted about like it was alive, encircling the Alicorns.

*as if it were alive* You use like for these types of comparisons a lot, and while it works for most of them, this really should be "as if." Try to use both for more variety.

Other than that, this looks great now. But I have to repeat myself, double space between paragraphs, it will look much more presentable on a monitor that way.

Here I finally am to look over chapter 2!:yay: Let's go!!

inside a birdcage

inside *the* birdcage.

Celestia's thoughts raced. Turning toward a large mirror propped against the wall, she gazed into its depths. “What was all that?" She wished that the Alicorn staring back at her could answer. As the seconds passed, Celestia began to see the moment when Luna had been freed from the domination of Nightmare Moon.

This paragraph is a jumbled mess. It just needs to be restructured. How about:

Celestia turned toward a large mirror propped against the wall. "What was all that?" she wondered out loud as she studied the Alicorn that was gazing back at her. While she contemplated the answer, her mind recalled the moment when Luna had been freed from the domination of Nightmare Moon.

Three years had passed since that day.

This is so random. I understand that you want the reader to know that it's three years later, but you need more here. Have Celestia reflect on how Luna has changed over the last three years, and how their relationship has strengthened. This also gives more meaning to the next paragraph

Her horn glowed a radiant gold and the door creaked open. Celestia exited the bed chamber, closing the door behind her.

Needs to be:

Her horn glowed a radiant gold as the door creaked open. Celestia exited the bed chamber, and closed the door behind her.

Celestia approached and waited nearby,

Saying she approached and then waited nearby is repetitive. This would sound better: Celestia approached as the last light of the moon disappeared beneath the distant ocean's surface.

smiled. “And you as well, sister.”

you need another space after smiled.

The Alicorns walked closer together, wrapping their forelegs around each other in a tender embrace.

This is worded awkwardly. Omit the first part, and change wrapping to past tense.

“Uh...sister?”

I cannot see neither Luna nor Celestia saying Uh, or Um. They are just too confident to speak like that. A simple Sister? would suffice here.

Celestia was silent as a tomb and she kicked a stone into the bush.

Again, awkward wording. Flip the sentence: "Celestia kicked a stone into the brush but remained as silent as a tomb."

When Celestia spoke, the words seemed difficult to find. “You know more about dreams than anypony in the world, sister.”

This should be its own paragraph. Also, adding the word finally after Celestia would help the mood here.

“But it was more than any simple dream wasn't it?”

Need a comma after dream. And after vision.

You had a vision didn't you?”

Celestia gazed forward. “It's more like 'what didn't I see?'. You and I sat together in these gardens the same as we are now. You did not speak. Then, the world went dark and I chased you until I appeared in a field. Twilight Sparkle and her friends were there. We all watched a meteor shower together. The world darkened again a large meteor struck us. For the last part I found myself inside a long hallway. The scary thing is that it looked like the castle, but it was all black. It even had many of our same stain-glass windows. I could see the sky through one of them. It was all white and ghostly looking. When I entered the throne room, I found you on the floor and you started saying all these strange things. Then this mist appeared and pushed me away from you. It wrapped itself around you and you vanished. I woke up just after that.”

First off, I try to never have this much dialogue all in one go, and when I can't avoid it, I break it up by having the speaker walk around or do some sort of action. It makes them feel more lifelike. This giant wall of dialogue, however, is completely unnecessary. We just read chapter one, we really don't need a summary of it again in chapter two. I would suggest deleting this, and instead make a short paragraph of Celestia telling her story, and Luna's reactions to it.

. “You are correct sister.

Comma after correct.

“I am sorry Luna.

comma after sorry.

"It is alright

Okay, this is just me being nitpicky, as I warned you I am. In literature, alright should be spelled all right. Alright is mainly for informal usage, like messaging and writing letters. In story form, use all right. Alright?:scootangel:

Celestia moved her face closer to the paper, reading the letter aloud.

Moved her face!!??:rainbowlaugh: I don't know why this struck me as so funny, but I couldn't stop laughing for like a full minute. How about she leaned in closer to the paper?

your majesty

This is a title and should be capitalized.

Luna stopped tapping her hooves together as a dragon would use his talons to count down.

I have no idea what this sentence is telling me. Seriously, I'm totally confused.

Celestia closed her eyes. The warmth and comfort she had missed for over a millennium filled her, and any doubt she retained about the reality of that moment faded from her mind. Hugging Luna tightly, Celestia let out a gentle sigh.

This is a very cute and peaceful little paragraph, but there is a lot of sighing in this chapter. Maybe try to find another way to express what they are feeling?

“Costumes! “I

Unneeded quotation mark here.

nudging her forwards

*forward* drop the s.

The Alicorns walked side by side back toward their quarters and Celestia's horn glowed. Opening the door for them, they stepped over the threshold into the dimly lit room.

Again, awkward wording. End the sentence at quarters, and then say the doors swung opened as they approached. We don't need to know who opened them.

You did pretty well with this, the paragraphs were much better done this time. My only concern is that we are two chapters in and still have no idea what the plot is. I hope this will be fixed in chapter 3, because waiting until chapter 4 is just too long.

Hopefully, I'll be getting to chapter 3 tonight. Talk to you later!!:twilightsmile:

Okay so you have a few typos here and there but luckily you've got someone to help you with that, which is something i always recommend.

Grammar aside. I like this story! Tracking!

5469847 The sad part is well over half of the current views are me doing scans for exactly those cause I am :derpytongue2:. Glad you like it though. :twilightsmile:

Looks like fun. I will definitely read the next parts when they appear.

And just because I always enjoy nitpicking, even at works I really like:

Celestia bolted upright, breathing rapidly.

Let me quote Nonagon, who is a better writer than I'm here: :pinkiehappy:

She jolted upright, something which would be a difficult feat for a bipedal creature and was doubly impressive for one whose spine naturally bent in the opposite direction.

:trollestia:

5472082 Glad to hear you like. We got quite a journey ahead of us. :twilightsmile:

This is an excellent story. Or, at least, an excellent start. I love the vision sequence, and the whole way it is written leaves a lot of mystery to be discovered in the future.

This story also does something else very well: it makes me think about where it is going. It makes me want to know where it is going.
I try for the same thing in my writing, though on a much longer time scale than this story.

Keep Writing, because you have something here, and we should never waste an opportunity to be excellent.

5586844 Im glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile: I know its been a while, but it's finally off hiatus and ch2 is in the final stages of production. :rainbowwild:

Honestly, if you continue to get better like this, I may start to worry about my own writing. :trixieshiftright:

But seriously, amazing chapter. Not only is the atmosphere excellent in this story, but it manages to move through scenes very well. There are some points in which I am confused as to what's happening, but that is just me and my need for details. That's actually the reason why my own stories move slowly, I feel the need to completely describe the scene, and that really extends the length of the story. You can accomplish the same without the detail, though, and for that I commend you.

Finally, my favorite part: the dialogue. It was, in short, excellent. You got the characters down perfectly, it actually kind of felt like I was watching an episode of the show. Not to mention the mystery thickening, with vague dialogue that leaves a lot to the imagination. I just, love it.

I can gladly say that I am excitedly awaiting the next chapter. You have captured my interest, and, likely soon, my adoration.

5691476 I do apologize for taking so long to get this updated. I'm a bit of a slow writer. :twilightsheepish: But I'm very :pinkiehappy: you're enjoying it so far! Ch3 is now in production! :twilightsmile:

Welp, following. Can't wait for Chapter 3.

I has question. Is the a crossover of lotr and MLP if so I will add to group of mine.

I'm Civviq Writer, from the Fimfiction Bureau of Imaginationists, here to review your story!
Find it here!

Aww, the first dislike. It was only a matter of time. :pinkiesad2:

Alright, this was pretty good! Smoothly connected with a balanced amount of detail. I didn't notice any grammar errors that really stuck out (,there were a few EXTREMELY minor ones, but that's because I'm fairly picky). Overall,vthis was very good, especially for something like a crossover. Keep it up!

5858578 Glad you liked it so far, except this ain't a Xover. :raritywink:

5858622 I meant Adventure, I have no idea why I typed Crossover, heheh. But anyway, great so far!

5858673 Is this idea dead. Or is there a new chapter coming soon?

5894401 Ch2 was republished this past March, I just didn't do the process correctly. I.e, I didn't delete the chapter before reposting it, so the time-stamp wasn't changed to reflect the update. Ch3 is fully drafted and is being edited, and while that's going on I'm getting a head start on the rough draft for ch4. :pinkiesmile:

My current 2 chapters are actually my old 4 chapters consolidated for a better flow. I had to go on hiatus a while for life reasons and just came back in February.

5894508 I am a bit of a slow writer, which certainly doesn't help, but I'm only doing part-time at work now before I go back to school in Fall, so I'm trying really hard to have more out before then. :twilightsmile:

Great job! I look forward to the rest!

5901544 Ch3 is being edited, and I'm building the skeleton for ch4 in the meantime. Many thankies for the fav! :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Passions Star deleted May 4th, 2015

Sorry it took so long to set up to follow the story you are writing, but I did get here :)

Anyway, I like the story very much, so far, and look forward to reading the rest of what you write.

5939103 Looks like you goofed up the first comment. There's an edit comment option for that. It's the little pencil button in the top right corner of the comment window. Just so you know for the future. :rainbowkiss:

5979626 Thank you much! And Despite my being a slow writer, I promise that progress is being made. :pinkiesad2::rainbowdetermined2: Ch3 is in the editing stage after a near total re-write. :rainbowwild:

Still following my sisters perfect work, your faithful sister, Poetry Motion.

This was an enjoyable start.

We got some happy Luna and ominous visions. What is not to love? Looking forward to more!

“Luna?” Celestia nudged Luna's shoulder and sat down alongside her.

“It's nothing.”

You know the horseapples are accelerating toward the cooling device when the Princess of Dreams is disturbed by your visions/dreams...
:raritydespair:

“You know more about dreams than anypony in the world, sister.”
<...>
Celestia gazed deep into Luna's curious eyes. “I'm more concerned what I did not see.”

It occurs to me that after a millennia of solitary rule, Celestia would have picked up the rudimentary basics of protecting ponies' dreams to patch over the gap left by Luna's Late Lamentable Lunar Leave. It would be interesting to see how Celestia deals with relinquishing her crude control over the dream world to its rightful steward.

6018452 That second quote copy-pasted? Do I have a missing word? :twilightoops:

6018650

That second quote copy-pasted? Do I have a missing word?

Hmmm?

No, no missing words. I was just idly musing over Celestia's possible role in taking over managing ponies' dreams while Luna was banished.

6022932 Ahh. :pinkiesmile: Well I can't wait to hear your thoughts on ch2 and 3. One can never have too much feedback. :twilightsmile:

The light reflected off the swirling mist in the air, and the ponies shielded their eyes as they walked silently along the labyrinthine woodland.

This seems like good background music:

<shadowy figure in the castle>

That is sort of brilliant in a fridge-logic sort of way.

Evil being seeking to pierce the Veil Of Shadows and enter this world from the Void?
Simply calendar your invasion on Nightmare Night and ham it up to anypony that may discover you while you are consolidating your power and nopony will suspect you until it is too late!
:twilightoops:

6046417 If you wanna talk background music, I've actually got YouTube videos in mind for each and every scene...:pinkiecrazy:

6046682

If you wanna talk background music, I've actually got YouTube videos in mind for each and every scene...

Sure!
I would not mind expanding my repertoire. I would love to hear them.
:pinkiehappy:

6050152 I'll send them in a PM. :twilightsmile: As there are several music tracks per chapter, I'll only do one ch at a time so I don't end up spamming.

You are off to a good start. It will be interesting to see where you take this. Keep up the good work.

First of all, Sweetie Belle's costume was amazing!

Secondly, I like the tension build. Even when there is seemingly nothing bad happening, it FEELS like something bad is going to happen. I'd say it's a success of atmosphere creation.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

Okay, the first chapter was intriguing, and now my heart is pounding! Your characterizations are very, very strong, as are your scene descriptions. I can't wait to read the next chapter!

“Wait, you're not seriously suggesting that this was some kind of ancient, dark spirit.”

Twilight certainly is in no position to be casting aspersions on "silly ghost stories" after Nightmare Moon. At this rate I am sure Celestia's next goal at her Canterlot budget meeting would be the creation of a new branch of the military who's sole purpose is to guard the Everfree against dark dimensional rifts, evil undead revenants, and 1000 year prophesies...

Can we please talk about something more cheerful?

How about a Timberwolf puppy? (Sapling?)
derpicdn.net/img/2012/12/30/198106/medium.jpeg

A sharp sting suddenly shot through Twilight's horn, and her friends turned and gazed at her as she let out a loud yelp.

That does not sound good!

“It was like a chill suddenly fell upon me,” whined Rarity. “And for a moment there, I couldn't feel my horn.”

That sounds like some seriously bad juju. Probably time to start panicking...

Without warning, loud screams were heard off in the distance.

Eeyup!
The horse apples have definitely impacted the cooling device! Time to participate in that time-honoured Ponyville tradition of screaming and panicking in the streets!
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/3/17/272881.gif

It is my first ever attempt at writing a story, and although I am going against all wisdom by doing such a massive undertaking so early on in my fanfic career, I could not be happier with my decision.

Well it is certainly off to an interesting start. Looking forward to more chapters!

As promised in a forum thread, I forgot which group, I gave your story a read. I'm really enjoying it so far. The writing is great, and certainly about a lot of what can be found on this site. The characters all feel real and true to themselves, although I was a bit confused as to when the story takes place within the timeline. Definitely before Tirek. The power ponies costume would imply it takes place after the episode of the same name, but Twilight seemed to lack some of the knowledge regarding the superhero setting.

The story definitely has me hooked so far. I really don't have much in depth criticism to give, except maybe that I found the danger to be a bit too ominous and vague, maybe a clearer picture of what sort of trouble they're in would be a plus.

Overall though, good job! Looking forward to getting into the action.

6161787 I'm very glad you have enjoyed it so far! :yay::pinkiehappy:

I found the danger to be a bit too ominous and vague.

Exactly what I was going for. :pinkiecrazy: Fear not! All shall be revealed in time...starting with ch4! :pinkiecrazy::rainbowwild:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!