A gentle breeze swept through Princess Celestia's mane as she watched the moon slowly descend beneath the horizon. She smiled from high atop the jagged peak of Canterlot Mountain as the last of its silvery light faded from the ocean's surface.
Her time had come again.
Celestia unfurled her wings and took to the sky, invoking the divine magic within herself to call forth the sun from its slumber. The golden light crept over the sea, embracing all that it touched within its warmth. This was the legacy of the Princess of the Sun, as it had been since time immemorial.
With her royal duty concluded for the moment, Celestia glided toward the shimmering towers of Canterlot Castle. Landing upon the soft earth of the gardens, the sweet scent of the flora and the morning calls of the critters greeted the Princess.
“Good morning once again.” She beamed, taking in the serene morning.
At the opposite end of the gardens sat Princess Luna, her attention focused on the sky. With a cheerful spring in her step, Celestia joined her sister's side and nuzzled her.
“Morning, Luna!” she exclaimed.
Celestia paused as Luna gave no response.
“Sister?”
Silence.
Although it was a pleasantly warm morning, a sudden chill flowed through Celestia's entire body. She looked behind herself and gasped. The world had vanished, replaced by a dark void which towered over everything like a terrible wave.
“Luna!” cried Celestia, shaking Luna's shoulder. “We must get away from here!”
The sisters rose to their hooves and charged forward as the darkness washed over them. Without warning, Luna's image transformed into a long-tailed purple comet and sped off faster than Celestia could follow. Celestia's vision flashed white and she found herself in a sprawling field of grass.
The sky was dark and painted with stars. The moon hung high and showered its light upon the rocky face of Equestria's central mountain.
Celestia gasped.
The mountain was split down the center like a wedge had been driven into it. Thick mist swirled about the mountain's base, and the city of Canterlot was no longer visible upon its surface.
Stepping back, Celestia turned around and spotted six ponies all waving their forelegs at her, beckoning her closer. She recognized them immediately.
“My friends, I am so glad to see you all,” said Celestia as she trotted over and gave each of them a warm nuzzle.
Twilight Sparkle and the others said nothing. They merely smiled at the Princess and pointed their hooves skyward. Curious, Celestia raised her attention in suit.
Meteors raced and danced across the vastness of space, but the show stopped abruptly. A single purple comet of immense size appeared and crept slowly across the sky.
Celestia lifted an eyebrow at the mysterious body and stood vigilant. “Is that...?”
Suddenly, the comet blitzed toward the earth and swerved in the direction of the ponies. Twilight and her friends screamed as it hurtled at them with ferocious speed.
“It's moving too fast!” cried Celestia. She stepped protectively in front of the others and stretched out her wings to shield them as she aimed her horn forward. She braced herself as she conjured a large translucent wall. The comet exploded against the magical barrier, and all became dark.
Celestia coughed as her vision began to clear. "Are you okay, my friends?"
All was silent.
Celestia groaned and shook her head, shivering as she felt something cold and hard beneath her hooves. She was standing in a dark stone hallway. Twilight and her friends were nowhere in sight.
To Celestia's amazement, the corridor looked similar to the interior of Canterlot Castle. She looked up and down the corridor, unable to keep herself from trembling.
“Where am I?”
Large marble columns spanned the length of the hall, and ornate stain-glass windows lined the walls. Many of the windows pictured events from Equestrian history, such as the coming together of the three pony tribes and the imprisoning of Discord, but as Celestia walked, the windows became darker.
She stopped at one in particular. Gazing through the window at the world outside, Celestia saw she was very high up. The sky was ghostly white and luminescent, but the land below was engulfed in shadow. The sound of rolling thunder echoed off in the distance, and flashes of lightning pierced through the dark clouds.
Celestia backed away from the window and gulped. She continued onward, and her every step reverberated from one shadowed end of the corridor to the other. “Hello? Is anypony here?”
Celestia eventually entered a spacious room. Banners bearing the crest of Equestria were hung on the walls. On the room's opposite end was a raised platform upon which sat two stone thrones, one bearing the symbol of the sun, and the other, the moon.
In the room's center, lying on the stone floor, was Princess Luna.
“Luna!” cried Celestia as she charged forward and knelt down, giving Luna an affectionate hug. “I thought I'd lost you again!”
Luna was still. She turned her eyes up and gazed at Celestia questioningly.
“Why do they ignore me?”
Celestia stared. “What do you mean?"
“The ponies. It is not fair. My night is just as beautiful as her day. Why does she get all the attention?”
“What are you talking about, Luna? The ponies are overjoyed to have you back with us. They are not ignoring you.”
Luna's expression turned sour and she looked away toward one side of the room, tears forming in her eyes.
“Sister, do not talk like this. I spent every waking moment of that time wishing I could have you back at my side. I could not bear to lose you again.” Celestia settled down next to Luna and draped her wing over her like a blanket.
"I know now what I must do..." said Luna coldly.
A dark mist appeared in the room. It swirled and twisted about as if it were alive, encircling the sisters.
"Is that what you truly desire?" The voice resonated throughout the room. It was deep and ghostly, but beautiful at the same time.
Celestia startled and rose to her hooves. Standing over Luna protectively, she trembled and watched as the mist glided over her snout. Like a mighty tempest, the mist pushed Celestia away into the back wall and she fell to the ground in a heap. Luna rose to her hooves and turned to face the stone thrones, glaring at the one marked with the crest of the sun.
Celestia opened her eyes and groaned, rubbing her head. She tried to stand up, but it felt like her hooves had become magically chained to the floor. Celestia struggled and gazed at Luna.
“No, sister!” cried Celestia. “Don't do it!”
The dark mist had engulfed the entire room, blurring Celestia's sight and obscuring Luna's figure. Cracks of lightning shattered the silence as the mist collapsed on itself and took the shape of a giant claw with four talons.
Celestia channeled the energies inside of her and shot a bolt of magic at the creature, but it had no effect. As the bolt collided into the wall with a boom, the mist-claw lunged forward. It wrapped its massive talons around Luna, and disappeared along with her.
Celestia screamed as the faint sound of Luna's cries echoed throughout the chamber.
"The world within welcomes you!" cried the ghostly voice.
Celestia bolted upright and rubbed her forehead as her breathing slowly returned to normal. With a groan, she slipped out from beneath her silken bed sheets and rose to her hooves.
The room was silent except for a clock mounted above a fireplace. A gold birdcage hung next to a large bed with a sun carved onto the headboard, and a ball of red and orange feathers slept within. The sky outside was dark, and the window creaked as the wind grazed across its wooden frame.
Luna was nowhere to be seen.
Celestia turned toward a large mirror propped against the wall next to her nightstand. "What was all that?" she wondered out loud as she studied the Alicorn that was gazing back at her. While she contemplated the answer, her mind recalled the moment three years earlier when Luna had been freed from the domination of Nightmare Moon.
“I'm so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister.”
“I missed you, too.”
Looking in the direction of her nightstand, Celestia saw a photograph of herself and Luna at the party that was thrown to welcome Luna home. Celestia levitated the frame over and held it close to her muzzle. The Alicorns in the picture were smiling and embracing each other. From the image alone, nopony would be able to guess that Luna had spent the previous millennium sealed away deep within the heart of the very heavenly body she commands.
With a heavy sigh, Celestia returned the picture to the nightstand and turned to the door leading out into the garden. Her horn glowed a radiant gold as the door creaked open. Celestia exited the bed chamber, and closed the door behind her.
The leaves in the trees rustled and danced in the wind, crickets chirped, and a splash came from the pond as the frogs played in its sparkling waters. Celestia allowed the cool scent of the morning dew to calm her nerves.
Opening her eyes, she saw Luna hovering high above the treetops near the watchtowers at the opposite end of the garden. Celestia approached as the last light of the moon disappeared beneath the distant ocean's surface.
Luna lowered herself down to the earth and planted her hooves upon the damp soil. She sighed wistfully, staring out at the waves as they crashed upon the shoreline.
“Morning, Luna!” said Celestia.
Luna looked over her shoulder and smiled. “And you as well, sister!”
The sisters wrapped their forelegs around each other in a tender embrace.
“I managed to see a little bit of the moon before it set,” stated Celestia. “It was beautiful. I am sorry to have almost missed it.”
Luna turned and sat down at her older sister's side, her tail flowing across the soft grass. “It does not bother me. I actually found the silence peaceful. I did not want to disturb you anyway. You were sleeping so soundly, as a newborn filly.” She let out a quiet chuckle.
“Well yes, I was. I had the most interesting dream.”
“I was tempted to peek inside for some light entertainment,” said Luna. “I would prefer that over breaking nightmares. I envy you at times, sister. The world of dreams is, at its best, unusual.”
Celestia looked away and watched some butterflies fluttering around a nearby bush.
“Sister?” Luna tapped Celestia's shoulder, raising an eyebrow at her inquisitively.
Celestia kicked a small rock into the bushes but remained silent as a tomb. The peace of the garden was shattered momentarily as a flock of birds burst from the leaves and dispersed.
When Celestia finally spoke, the words seemed difficult to find. “You know more about dreams than anypony in the world, sister.”
“But it was more than any simple dream, wasn't it?” Luna kept her hoof rested on Celestia's shoulder. “I know you, big sister. You had a vision, didn't you?”
The images flashed through Celestia's mind. “It is most likely.”
“It troubles you, sister,” said Luna. “It's written in your eyes. Please tell, what was it you witnessed?”
Celestia gazed deep into Luna's curious eyes. “I'm more concerned what I did not see.”
Luna set her hoof on the ground and listened in awe as Celestia recounted the tale. At the mention of the disembodied voice, Luna fidgeted and rubbed her foreleg.
“I have seen some pretty interesting things in ponies' dreams before, and have had my fair share of those too. But it has been a while since I have heard of one such as that."
“Luna...what is the world within?”
“The what?”
“Just before I awoke, I heard a voice. It said, 'the world within welcomes you.' Any idea what it means?”
Luna turned away and looked down at the grass. Closing her eyes, Luna took a deep breath. The silence seemed to last an eternity.
“Luna?” Celestia nudged Luna's shoulder and sat down alongside her.
“It's nothing.”
“Well, dreams are unusual, just as you said.” Celestia gazed toward the sky. “The same is true for visions. Whenever I have one I can usually decipher what it means fairly quickly, but this one...I haven't got a clue. I think perhaps I must have seen what was happening inside your mind just before you were taken by the darkness.”
“It's my duty to understand dreams.” Luna spoke quietly, avoiding Celestia's inquisitive stare. “You are correct, sister. What you saw was the darkness within my heart clouding my mind. I struggle everyday trying to forget about it. ”
Celestia frowned. “I am sorry, Luna. I should not have said anything. I know it only makes things difficult for you.”
Luna rubbed her cheek against Celestia's neck. “It's all right. That time is over.”
Celestia chuckled and returned the nuzzle. “Let's talk about something else. You seemed to be pretty playful earlier when I first arrived out here.”
Luna grinned mischievously. “Happy Nightmare Night, sister! I have been looking forward to this day all year!”
“That's wonderful!” exclaimed Celestia. “I was a little concerned after first reading the report that Twilight Sparkle sent me last year. I'm glad things turned out well for you.”
“They turned out better than that,” said Luna as her horn glowed blue, and a small piece of paper rose out of a saddle pack sitting next to a nearby tree. “The mayor gave me this letter after I won last year's Spider Toss competition.”
Celestia moved closer, reading the letter aloud.
Dear Princess Luna, on behalf of the citizens of Ponyville, I would like to extend to you our most heart felt gratitude for making this year's Nightmare Night festival the best that this town has ever seen, and for teaching us a valuable lesson about how we should give everypony an equal chance. We would also like to express our hope that you will 'grace us with your presence' again next year, but if not we completely understand.
The best of wishes to you, Your Majesty!
-Mayor Mare, and all of your loving subjects in Ponyville.
Celestia smiled at Luna. “That's quite the shining impression, Luna. I'm very happy for you!”
“Nopony has ever given me something like this before!” Luna returned the letter to the saddle pack and the glow around her horn faded. “I only wish that I actually could go, but we have the festival here in Canterlot to prepare for. There are decorations to put up, refreshments to gather-”
“I can handle that well enough on my own,” Celestia interjected. “I think you should take Ponyville up on their invitation. Besides, I'm sure Twilight Sparkle and her friends would love to see you again.”
Luna went quiet and stared at Celestia, uncertain if she had heard her correctly.
“I am serious, Luna,” stated Celestia with a firm nod. “I will take care of matters here in Canterlot. You go have fun in Ponyville.”
Luna smiled, and hugged her sister.
Time seemed to stop. Only the chirping and squeaking of the birds and squirrels broke the peace of the royal garden.
Celestia closed her eyes and held Luna close. The warmth and comfort that Celestia had spent a millennium longing for filled her, and every shred of doubt she still retained about the reality of that moment faded away.
“You're being quiet again,” said Luna. “Is everything okay, big sister?”
“Everything's perfect.”
“I'm glad to hear.” Luna broke the embrace after a few minutes. “Costumes! I must show you mine!”
Before Celestia could express curiosity, Luna was behind her and nudging her forward. “Easy now, sister!” Celestia laughed, stepping out of Luna's reach. “So, what is it?”
“It's back in our room. Come on, let's go.”
Luna retrieved her bag and the sisters walked side by side back to their quarters. The door swung open for them as they approached, and they stepped into the dimly lit room.
Luna approached her bed and stared at a brown suitcase laying on it. Gently kicking it open, she pulled out a beaked face mask and feathered suit. “Here we are.” Luna grinned. “Twilight Sparkle's friend Rarity made it for me. She made the most peculiar sounds when I asked her, but I think she was excited. It's a phoenix! Just like Philomena”
“Except it's purple.”
“Rarity said orange and red would look simply horrid with my blue coat. She insisted on this color, but I like it either way.”
“As do I,” said Celestia. “Everything I've learned about Rarity says this costume was made with utmost care and precision. No claws?”
Examining the costume closely, the memory of the dark creature from her vision flashed through Celestia's mind. “Phoenix? Claws...?” she muttered.
Luna paused. “What was that, sister?”
Celestia glanced at Luna. “Nothing. I was just noting that the costume is missing claws.”
“Claws would only make walking difficult for me,” said Luna. “Or at least that is what Rarity said.”
“I suppose that is true.” Celestia put on the mask and gazed into her bedside mirror. She chuckled. “I look ridiculous.”
“I even picked up a special face paint to go with it. This is going to be so much fun!”
Celestia smiled. “I will help you prepare.”
Luna returned the mask and suit to the suitcase and it closed with a click. She glanced out the window. “Well, the ponies will be waking soon. You should go and raise the sun for them before I distract you more than I already have.”
Laughing like a pair of fillies, the sisters exited the bedroom.
Although it was still dark, the garden was warm and alive with the melodies of morning songbirds. The melody echoed in the breeze and the Alicorns paused, stopping momentarily to enjoy the serenity.
Celestia looked to her side at Luna with a hopeful glint in her eyes. “Would you care to join me, little sister? It just wouldn't feel the same without you.”
Luna smiled. “I would not have it any other way, big sister.”
Celestia unfurled her wings and flew up into the air until she saw over the top of the mountain, with Luna eagerly following close behind.
Hovering side by side, the sisters gazed out across the Eastern Sea past the glowing night lights of Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and Baltimare. Celestia closed her eyes and channeled the divine magic within herself, extending her forelegs outward to her sides and held them steady. Like a candle in the dark, Celestia's horn began to glow and the great ball of fire slowly rose up from the distant horizon, showering the face of Equestria in its white light.
Wow.....
Okay, here I am! Sorry it took me so long, my 18 month old got a fever and we have had several endless nights here. Now, she is sleeping and the oldest is at school, so... Let's do this!!!
The very first sentence needs to be indented.
I like this, but the sentence should end at horizon. I think you should merge the last part of this sentence with the next one. "The wind swept through her mane as she watched the moon's soft illumination retract from the gentle ocean surface." Also:
This is a subject change and needs to be a new paragraph. Then the next sentence is Celestia unfurling her wings and taking flight which is another subject change, so it needs to start a new paragraph as well.
Great description here, but
Isn't she the Princess of the Sun?
down toward the towers. There is no need for the 's.' Same with forward and backward.
You need a comma after the word castle. You can tell because the sentence: "She landed upon the soft earth of the gardens" is a complete sentence on its own, so a comma is needed beforehand.
Omit this. The next line she speaks and is beaming, so telling us she is smiling here is redundant.
Should be "Good morning once again." She beamed. If you follow dialogue with an action, it needs to be a period.
remove the comma after gardens.
I don't think jaunt is the word you're wanting here. Maybe a gleeful spring in her step? Also, you need a comma after again, and another one after step. And I think you should just say she joined her sister at her side. Saying that she moved closer to join her is redundant because you just said that she was moving with a gleeful jaunt in her step.
Should be: "Celestia paused as Luna gave no response or indication that she had heard the call."
Using but here is kind of awkward, try using something else. Maybe: "Although it was a pleasantly warm morning, a sudden chill flowed through Celestia's entire body."
Perfect punctuation.
"Luna simply smiled as the world around them dissolved away into nothing." I'm noticing that you sometimes get too wordy, and become redundant. Try to work at this.
I don't understand what the following double space means. Did time progress? I'm assuming that this is just a vision, but I'm not sure yet. If it is just a vision, I'd suggest that you remove the spacing and start the next sentence with, suddenly or without warning. If time did progress, then you could still do something along those lines without using the double space.
You don't really need a colon here. Honestly, I'd recommend that you don't use colons at all. It was dark and painted with stars could be its own paragraph, since the next line is a subject change and needs to start a new paragraph as well. Also, it should be: She gasped as she looked at the sky.
Again, remove the colon. Also, don't bother telling us that it was Twilight and friends, as you will tell us again two lines later. Just leave it as, she recognized them. Then the next line could be:
Start a new paragraph here.
and another one here.
Here as well. Also, I can't help but think that this is incredibly OOC for Celestia. She would stand her ground and try to shield Twilight and the others, not flee and leave them in its path. I think she should move in front of them and cast a shielding spell, it hits them, and then she opens her eyes and finds herself all alone.
Start a new paragraph here.
New one here too.
While this could be connected with the paragraph it is in, I feel you should make it its own for dramatic effect.
You need a comma after happened.
Huh? Do you mean she looked at Celestia questioningly?
Remove she asked.
Wait...so this is after Luna came back from the moon? Well...I guess that makes sense because you mentioned Twi's friends, but...you need to make this more apparent. I suggest when she first sees Luna in the garden Celestia should think to herself how nice it is to have her sister back, that will eliminate the confusion I just experienced.
Don't need the 's.' Now I'm being redundant.
This should be merged with either the sentence before or after it. Also, the Celestia was speechless bit needs to start a new paragraph.
New paragraph.
New paragraph.
This was pretty cool. You handle scene building really well, and apart from Celestia flying off and leaving Twilight and Co. to be smashed by a comet, you did a good job keeping them in character. You just need to work at being a bit less wordy and your paragraphs. Most paragraphs should be 3 to 4 sentences at most. If you get to 5 or more, you probably have a subject change somewhere. I like this story and am interested to see where it will go. I'm not sure when I'll manage to look over chapter 2, but I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you again soon, and great job!
Great revision! There are just two final things I wanted to point out.
These two can be one paragraph because they are both describing the sky, stars, and moon.
*as if it were alive* You use like for these types of comparisons a lot, and while it works for most of them, this really should be "as if." Try to use both for more variety.
Other than that, this looks great now. But I have to repeat myself, double space between paragraphs, it will look much more presentable on a monitor that way.
5469595 We all do!
Okay so you have a few typos here and there but luckily you've got someone to help you with that, which is something i always recommend.
Grammar aside. I like this story! Tracking!
5469847 The sad part is well over half of the current views are me doing scans for exactly those cause I am . Glad you like it though.
Looks like fun. I will definitely read the next parts when they appear.
And just because I always enjoy nitpicking, even at works I really like:
Let me quote Nonagon, who is a better writer than I'm here:
5472082 Glad to hear you like. We got quite a journey ahead of us.
This is an excellent story. Or, at least, an excellent start. I love the vision sequence, and the whole way it is written leaves a lot of mystery to be discovered in the future.
This story also does something else very well: it makes me think about where it is going. It makes me want to know where it is going.
I try for the same thing in my writing, though on a much longer time scale than this story.
Keep Writing, because you have something here, and we should never waste an opportunity to be excellent.
5586844 Im glad you enjoyed it. I know its been a while, but it's finally off hiatus and ch2 is in the final stages of production.
Great job! I look forward to the rest!
This was an enjoyable start.
We got some happy Luna and ominous visions. What is not to love? Looking forward to more!
You know the horseapples are accelerating toward the cooling device when the Princess of Dreams is disturbed by your visions/dreams...
It occurs to me that after a millennia of solitary rule, Celestia would have picked up the rudimentary basics of protecting ponies' dreams to patch over the gap left by Luna's Late Lamentable Lunar Leave. It would be interesting to see how Celestia deals with relinquishing her crude control over the dream world to its rightful steward.
Great start! ^^
Just started reading this. Pretty good so far! The interactions between Tia and Lulu were pretty sweet.
Of course, I suppose it's just a matter of time before it all goes downhill...
Anyway, good start!
Very engaging.
9697975
Glad we’re off to a good start.
I just started reading this story again. I got to say I love the start of it. Celestia remembering everything and the fear of it all. Just the feel of her losing her sister it's so amazingly strong. The fact she is trying so hard to fight for her sister in that very dream. There is so much to take it at this start. But The fact she feels everyone around her just vanished that feels like a broken feeling.
Then to see the two sisters love each other so much after so many trials it's so wonderful to see. I really enjoy this story thank you so much for writing it.
Reading the story again got busy last few years. But I enjoy what I see so far and what I said back in 2019 still holds today. Very good story so far.