• Published 7th Sep 2014
  • 6,768 Views, 739 Comments

"If you ain't got anything nice to say..." - ManlyDerp



Big Mac has accidentally stepped in a patch of poison joke. The once quiet stallion now can't stop talking, no matter how much he wants to. Ponyville is about to get an earful. (WARNING: Contains character deconstruction and silly moments)

  • ...
43
 739
 6,768

Chapter 13

"H-hello? Is anypony home?"

Cheerilee's hooves clip and clop loudly against the castle's crystal flooring as she moves further and further into the palace. A long hallway greets her as she passes by the broken main doors. Strange looking wagon wheel marks, recently embedded into the floor itself thanks to a certain trickster's actions, lead the school teacher closer to a faint noise. Muffled by another broken into doors, the earth pony can only swivel around and strain her ears as she attempts to make out what is being said and, more importantly, who is saying it.

'The voice is deep,' she ponders to herself. 'Deeper than Spike's, at least... Am I about to trot into the middle of something important? Maybe I should come back later...

'... But my garden is getting to the point of becoming a health hazard... I-I guess I don't really have a choice. I hope she can forgive me for this...'

Eventually, the purple pony manages to reach the high and imposing doors that lead to the castle's inner sanctum. With a nervous gulp, Cheerilee gently pushes the busted doors inwards with the light tap of a single hoof.

Said hoof remains frozen in the air as Cheerilee's eyes behold the scene laid out before them.

Spike, his scales grey and his eyes unfocused, is standing stock still as his claw moves at a blinding speed across a piece of parchment. The young dragon is up to his chest in a pile of wrapped and ready to send scrolls, seemingly uncaring to the mess he is making. With wondering eyes does Cheerilee gaze upon the small 'puddle' of similar scrolls scattered around the room, leading her towards said room's center...

... where Big Macintosh, of all ponies, stands. A mirror is before him, displaying the image of a pony that was quite obviously not him. The mare couldn't make out who the pony was though from where she stood; only the fact that her colors were darker than the farmer's own was readily apparent.

The only other thing readily apparent to Cheerilee in this moment was the fact that Big Mac was talking.

Boy was he talking.

Not since they had first truly met over a glass of love poison had the stallion talked so much. It was shocking, it was surprising; it left the mare equal parts flabbergasted, dazed, and oh so confused.

Thus, in what seemed like the most logical thing to do, Miss Cheerilee nervously took a step forward and asked "B-big... Macintosh?"

This was a mistake on Cheerilee's part.

A horrible mistake.

For the first time since Mac's arrival with Discord, the Friendship Death Castle falls silent. Slowly, his entire body shaking heavily, Big Macintosh turns himself around.

Cheerilee stares at him curiously.

Big Mac stares right back at her, a look of pure horror etched to his face.

"E-eeyup," the farmer mutters weakly to himself. "If I wasn't sure before, I-I sure as shoot know now... There really is no Pony God..."

___________

"Ladies... I'm afraid to inform you that we may now be facing a code 'Fashion Week' scenario here."

Pinkie and Fluttershy, momentarily distracted from their galloping, turn to look at one another before looking over to Rarity.

"Code 'Fashion Week'?" asks Pinkie Pie, never slowing her pace. "W-which one is that, Rarity? Is that the code where nopony is wearing pants? Or the code where everypony is wearing last week's fashion?"

Rarity shakes her head, her mane flowing in the wind as she gallops down the Ponyville road.

"It is neither of those things, Pinkie," the fashion pony explains with a huff. "Nor does it involve actual fashion. Code 'Fashion Week' refers to my... behavior during our trip to Manehatten earlier in the year... You do remember how dreadful of a turn that trip took for everypony towards the middle of it, do you not?"

"... I remember," mumbles Fluttershy, her unused wings twitching in response to her embarrassment. "Why are you bringing it up now, Rarity?"

Rarity smiles weakly.

"... One of our friends is becoming an unreasonable mess due to circumstances out of her control, so she is lashing out at those close to her... It's almost a one to one comparison to how I acted, isn't it?"

Fluttershy and Pinkie again look at each other before looking forward, past the distant Applejack, and directly at the gliding Twilight Sparkle. Feathers are rapidly falling out of her mistreated wings, and her mane is nothing more than loose hairs and split ends at this point. If one looked closely enough, they could easily also spot the slight trail of black smoke leaving the tip of the princess' already darkened horn.

"It's not just her either," Rarity continues, making a show of nodding her head towards the franticly galloping and equally unaware Applejack. "A certain little sister we know is also getting quite bent out of shape over all this drama involving her big brother."

"C-can we really blame her though?" Pinkie Pie asks suddenly, drawing the unicorn's and pegasus' attention. "I mean, it's her family, guys. You both know how much that silly apple brain of hers likes to stop working when something involves her family..."

Though she blinks at first, her face remaining neutral, Rarity eventually relaxes and again smiles weekly.

"... 'Can you really fluffing blame me?'" the unicorn suddenly paraphrases and swears, surprising her two friends greatly. "That is what Twilight said earlier to dear Fluttershy, is it not? When she was trying to explain away her very emotional actions towards Discord? We felt sympathetic to her in that moment... and then we instantly turned around when she attacked Discord, feeling it was uncalled for."

"Well..." Pinkie mumbles nervously, very unlike the party pony. "T-that's because she was being a meanie pants to him..."

"But earlier we felt bad for her, because she is so obviously very tired and stressed," Rarity is quick to point out. "Tell me; did that fact really change at all between when she apologized to Discord and when she yelled at him for his mistakes?

"Or... when we yelled at her for her own?"

Again a silence falls between to two trotting ponies as they stare at their third.

"... My head hurts," Pinkie Pie whimpers quietly, barely loud enough to be heard. "Is Discord the meanie pants here or Twilight, Rarity? Or is Applejack for standing up for Discord, even though he may have done something mean himself... or is Big Mac... urgh!"

Slowing down, but only slightly, Rarity slides in next to the pink pony and places a reassuring hoof upon her back. This results in her awkwardly galloping upon three legs, but it was a tradeoff she was more than willing to make.

"This isn't as simple as one pony being right and the other wrong, Pinkie Pie," Rarity speaks softly to the saddened mare. "It really isn't. It's not even as simple as saying that everypony is in the wrong here, even if it is increasingly becoming apparent that this might very well be the case.

"Every single pony here right now is being influenced by their emotions, girls," the fashionista explains sagely. "Twilight's high emotions are coming from her stress, and it is something we, as her friends, are going to need to address soon here before she does something we know she'll regret. If times weren't so dire at the moment I'd suggest we try to take her aside and do what we can to calm her down...

"Applejack's wild emotions are coming from her love for her brother... and perhaps something else; something deep and personal that she is reluctant to confide in us about. This might just be my mare's intuition speaking, but I don't believe that I am wrong in my belief.

"We three are also being influenced, I'm afraid, whether we'd like to admit to it or not. How quickly did we go from supporting Twilight to yelling at her... I don't believe we were wrong in our defending of Discord, but now I believe we were not entirely in the right either. He may have been trying to help, even admitting that what he was about to share with us was only going to paint a target on his back... but Twilight does make a valid point towards the possibility of this all being part of some plan of his."

"I don't think he planned any of this," quickly defends Fluttershy, speaking up. "I really don't. H-he may have broke my trust before, but I don't think the time we spent together was all just him pretending to care. I honestly think that the pain we saw in his eyes was real, both with Tirek and now..."

Rarity now aims her soft smile at the contemplative Fluttershy.

"... And that is what is influencing your high emotions, Fluttershy," she explains tiredly around her expression. "How you've been easily able to find strength to speak up in these stressful times... Meanwhile, Pinkie's shockingly subdued emotions are simply the result of all our petty squabbling..." Tilting her head, Rarity glances at the earth pony next to her. "... and possibly something else..."

Although their eyes meet for a brief second, Pinkie quickly tries to look away.

"... Again this may just be mare's intuition speaking. I won't pry if that is what you wish, Pinkie."

Pinkie weakly smiles back at Rarity, lifting her head up once again.

"As for me," Rarity finishes with a shake of her own head. "Concerning my emotions... mine are being influenced by all the sad people and ponies I've been forced to see today." A sigh escapes the unicorn's lips. "The patrons of Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes, Discord and Twilight and poor Applejack, you girls as well... and especially Big Macintosh... Everypony is making everypony else unhappy today; it's a vicious cycle. The Cake's case gives me hope that things will turn out for the better, that the chain can be broken... but I'm afraid my heart won't be able to hold out for much longer, what with all this drama happening all around it.

"And... a-and besides that, there is a very real fear gripping me right now," Rarity admits, ears flat against her head. "A fear lingering over my mind at this time; a selfish fear, I know, but one nonetheless. It is not an unfounded fear, that much is sure, for I am most certain it is a fear I share with dear Applejack equally in this moment.

"That fear... is the fear of being critiqued by Big Macintosh; the fear of soon learning his innermost thoughts about me.

"... It would be an ordeal neither of us would t-truly survive unscathed, girls," the unicorn mutters lowly, choking up a little. "E-everypony is expecting me to become very, very violent when my sins are finally laid bare for all to see... As much as I wish that I could deny these claims with my head held high, I-I'm afraid I can't do such a thing with the utmost confidence. I can not predict how it is that I'll truly react...

"It will, more likely than not though, be a reaction unfavorable for the group as a whole. Of this I am most certain. No matter what is said to me, ladies, I am a hundred percent sure that I will act just as emotionally driven as either Twilight or Applejack, and thus doing something rash. If I do end up doing something when I am not in my right mind, know that you girls have e-every right to blame me for my actions... Just know that I will be truly sorry..."

"... O... o-okay, Rarity," Fluttershy replies quietly after a minute has passed in relative silence. "A-and... and I'm sorry too, for whatever I do when he starts t-talking to m-m-me."

"Oh, Fluttershy," Rarity quickly coos in a low voice. "I do not believe you have much to worry about. From what you have told me about your brief encounter with him; out of all the possible things he could have said to you in that short span of time when your paths crossed, he chose a compliment above any sort of nitpicks or negativity...

"... It was a rather vulgar compliment, I'll admit... but a compliment nonetheless. Whatever the secret thoughts he harbors in his heart towards you may be, darling, I truly believe that they can not be all that bad."

"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie chimes in happily, sounding a bit more like her normal self. "Be proud of your booty, Shy!"

Fluttershy's cheeks turn bright red at this. She covers her now tomato colored face with her outstretched wings.

"Howdy there," roughly comments a suddenly appearing Applejack, having slowed down just enough to still be in front of the three, yet still be close to the flying Twilight. "Just gonna spell it out for ya'; I've been passively listenin' in on your conversation... I don't rightfully know what for a hill of beans y'all are actually talking about, but I'm now reasonably sure it was a discussion about Fluttershy's badonkadonk..."

Turning her head over her shoulder, the farmer shoots an unamused glare at her three friends.

"That's not helpin' mah brother right now in the slightest. Come on now; pick up the pace, ladies! Yeehaw!"

Kicking up a decent sized cloud of dust, Applejack speeds up and leaves the separated group in the, well, dust. Coughing on said dirty cumulous, Rarity shouts to her friends "Cough!! S-see what I mean, you two? From the concerned friend we know and love, to an emotional driven brute, and then back to our friend again... This just proves my point!

"We have a very serious problem on our hooves right now, girls...

"... and it doesn't involve Poison Joke."

With a rare burst of speed very few knew the fashion pony could even maintain, let alone produce, Rarity does as she's told and picks up her pace. Nodding their heads solemnly in agreement to what has just been said, Pinkie Pie and Flutteryshy soon do the very same, the former kicking up her own dust cloud while the latter taking to the skies above upon yellow wings.

Their quickened pace doesn't last long though as, rounding a corner, the three ponies quickly find themselves having to kill their speed, less they run over the suddenly halted Applejack. They slide to a standstill in front of the equally motionless pony, whose head is pointed straight ahead as her eyes stare at something the rest of the girls can't see. Confused, the three of them look around (or above, in Fluttershy's case) the orange pony only to find Twilight standing at attention in front of her, staring forward as well... at her home.

"... I hate being right," the princess grumbles loudly to nopony in particular. "I used to love being right... but nowadays it seems like me being right is literally the worst thing that can happen to a pony..."

The three ponies look at one another, silently trying to decipher their friend's cryptic words amongst themselves. Stepping around Applejack, so they could see beyond her and Twilight at the same time, Pinkie Fluttershy and Rarity try to discover what it is that has caused their friends to stop moving.

The sight of a familiar looking school teacher answers all of their questions. Cheerilee's head is bowed low, her mane falling over her eyes, as she causally trots on out of the Friendship Death Castle all by her lonesome...

... with a huge smile clearly plastered to her face.

Pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony glance back at the frustrated looking Twilight, trying to figure out why it is she seems so gloomy at this current deployment, while Applejack simply gallops away from the group and towards Cheerilee's side.

"M-miss Cheerilee," Applejack calls to the pony weakly, unsure how to properly proceed. The smile upon her lips surely must mean that something good has happened for once today... right? Big Mac, sweet old Big Mac, wouldn't dare hurt the pony she knew he was smitten with... r-right?

As Cheerilee lifts up her head towards the farmer, Applejack is soon given her heart wrenching answer.

The smile upon her lips is as large as it is warm...

... the tears upon her cheeks are as hot as they are numerous.

With a quiet sniff to herself, Cheerilee's smile grows slightly wider as she looks at Applejack, and then the rest of the gathered girls. Raising her tear stained, smiling head upwards to the path ahead, the purple pony slowly trots away with the gentle clip and a clop of her hooves against the dirt and rock garnished Ponyville road. Four of the five gathered ponies watch this with mouths agape as the school teacher's form slowly disappears into the distance.

One silent look of concern is quickly shared among the more stable ponies of the group before they all together decide to charge forward into the imposing palace before them.

___________

"Oh Spikey Wikey..." Rarity cries softly as she approaches the hypnotized drake. With a face full of concern, the unicorn gently rubs her cheek against his own only to produce no response. The little dragon continues to write on. "C-can you cure him, Twilight?" she pleads.

Twilight shrugs passively as she trots through the pool of scrolls all around her. Her eyes twitch at the mess as she replies "Eh, probably... but not right now. I don't think I could manage something as advanced as a memory spell with my mind being the way it is currently. I might end up botching up the darn thing and make it permanent for him."

"P-permanent?!" the fashion pony gives a shocked shriek.

"Yeah, permanent," Twilight replies with another shrug, her brain unable to truly process the pony's concern. "Same thing would have happened if I screwed up casting it on any of you way back when. It was a risk I was willing to take though."

Rarity suddenly feels very sick to her stomach. She tightens her hold slightly on the dragon next to her in response, unintentionally cuddling him closely to her chest. Still Spike doesn't respond as he continues to write scroll after scroll.

Meanwhile, in the air above, Fluttershy watches as Applejack slowly tries to approach her brother, and as Pinkie Pie begins 'swimming' in the pool of scrolls below, seemingly at random.

"Mac..." Applejack once again calls out weakly. Just like with Cheerilee, the farmer doesn't know how to proceed. Big Macintosh's body language isn't helping her in the slightest either, for his forehead is firmly planted on the magical mirror's surface and nothing more. Said mirror's inner image is currently that of the local apple family relative Apple Cobbler; a remarkably unremarkable brown earth pony. Big Mac is quietly mumbling words about her, both good and bad... but Applejack can easily see that his tired mind is elsewhere.

The small puddle of tears on the ground in front of him is also hard for his sister to ignore.

The younger farmer finds herself tongue-tied for words and unable to bring herself to take another step forward. Her hoof remains outstretched as she tries to make up her flustered mind.

"... Dear Miss Cheerilee..."

All heads in the room, except for the distracted Big Mac and the discorded Spike, suddenly whip towards Pinkie Pie, who now has an open scroll firmly grasped in her hooves. No one questions how she was able to find this particular message out of the Spike created pile of them, for they all knew this would be like asking why water is wet, thus pointless. Instead they simply accept it for what it is as they quickly look towards the crestfallen Big Mac. When the stallion doesn't speak up, except for the occasional comment towards the pony in the mirror, the girls decide to trot over to Pinkie Pie's side and sit next to her and the 'letter'.

Once everypony is gathered, the party pony looks over at Big Mac one last time, waits to see if he objects at all to her reading this potentially private message, and when she receives no response from him she begins to read aloud.

______________

Dear Miss Cheerilee,

Please, oh please don't come any closer to me. I'm not in my right mind today. I've been cursed by Poison Joke. My lips can't stop flapping, my voice can't stop vomiting hateful things on ponies... Please leave. Please please please leave now. I don't want to hurt you. I don't I don't I don't... Please leave before... before...

Before I tell you how much I honestly love you.

I do, Miss Cheerilee. Truly I do. Your smile, your voice, your warmth... I love it all. A day has not gone by when my mind doesn't find itself dwelling on the time we've spent together since we met. It's those happy memories that keep me company out there in those lonely fields, as I work day and night for my family. I don't think I'll ever be able to do my work the same way again if I were to ever fail to remember your beaming face or your kind heart. We even share a love of children. I do believe we're perfect for each other in every way, and I would love nothing more than to one day start a family with you. The home we would create together would be filled with the sound of tiny hooves galloping to and fro and I would be eternally happy.

But that day will never come to pass.

For I do not love you with all of my heart.

Before we met, my heart belonged to my family and my family alone. To my granny and my sisters; to my cousins and aunts and uncles and to those who I don't truly love and to those who have passed on into whatever lies beyond this mortal coil. My heart was and is forever their's, and it especially belongs to sweet little Apple Bloom.

The same Apple Bloom who often comes home crying due to bullying.

Bullying that you allowed to happen time and time again.

Before I got to know you, before we ever truly met, I thought nothing but horrible things about you. I thought of you as a hack; a halfhearted charlatan who was only truly doing her job for a paycheck and nothing more. I didn't think you really cared about those foals, and that fact sickened me. If the fear of mares wasn't beaten into me at an early age thanks to my deceased mother, I would have marched down to your school years ago and given you a piece of my mind. I wouldn't have cared that you would be crying, I wouldn't have cared if you were outright fired; my sister's life would have been made easier and that would have been all that I cared about.

But I never did. I never did and now I regret it, for the first time we met wasn't over a heated discussion... but instead a glass of punch.

A glass of love poison.

And it is this very poison that prevents us from ever joining together; prevents me from saying that I love you with all of my heart. How can I ever say such a thing, after all, if I don't rightfully know if I'm speaking from the heart or from a poison flowing through my veins? The girls said we were cured, but how will I ever really know if this is true? I never met you before the drink, all I remember is a hatred for you and nothing more. How do I know my new feelings for you are actually real? How do you know the ones you have for me are real? I will never blame those girls for what they did, I care too much for them to ever truly stay mad at them, but I will admit that they are the reason for why I am saying what I am saying now. They are the cause, but these words I speak are mine and mine alone. I at least know that this fact is true.

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... but I will never be able to love you completely. I tried to convince myself otherwise all this time; hoped beyond hope that I was just reading things wrong, that our relationship could actually work... but all I did was lead you on. I gave you false hope when I should have just been honest with you upfront. I shouldn't have tried to fool you along with myself, and now all I've done is hurt you something fierce. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... but somewhere, in the dark recesses of my mind, you will always be known as the teacher who allowed my little sister, the filly who I love with all of my heart, to be bullied... to cry...

And nothing more.

... Good bye, Miss Cheerilee. May you one day find a special somepony who loves you for the wonderful mare you really are, deep inside.

______________

Crack!

A sound interrupts Pinkie's reading, causing the girls to turn their heads. All eyes fall on Big Mac as he again gently bashes his head against the mirror, creating cracks and drawing blood.

"Eeyup."

Crack!

"N-nope..."

Crack!

"E-e-eyup..."

Crack!

"N-n-n-n-"

The appearance of orange hooves around his barrel halts the stallion from inflicting another self injury upon himself. Applejack, embracing her brother with all her might, gently whispers, "That's enough, partner. That's enough..."

"N-n-nope..." Mac whimpers in response, his eyes shut tightly to hold back the tears and to prevent the blood from his forehead to seep in.

Staining her coat, Applejack runs a hoof over this cut, trying to clean it just a bit. "You ain't got nothin' else to worry about, Big Mac," the earth pony says to her brother. "It's all over now. We've got the cure right here for ya'! Come on; let's get you to Twilight's bathtub and we can-"

"Not happening."

The room falls silent.

Applejack turns to look at her alicorn friend.

"... What," the farmer demands flatly.

For the third time, Twilight uses her wings to shrug. "Not happening," she repeats, as if it was all that she needed to say. "I don't have a bathtub here."

The girls blink.

"... Okay," Applejack mumbles. "Then we'll just take him to your showe-"

"I don't have one of those either," Twilight quickly replies.

"... What?"

"Also no bathrooms," the princess goes on, ignoring the stares she is receiving. More and more loose ends begin to pop on out of her weathered mane. "No running water in general, actually! Fancy that! Hahahah!"

"N-no running water?!" Rarity gasps loudly at the laughing alicorn. She stops laughing at this and gives the unicorn a leveled stare.

"... It's a magical self growing crystal tree, Rarity," the alicorn deadpans. "It's not that surprising that it doesn't have one or two... or twenty of life's modern day conveniences. Bathrooms are just one item on that ever growing list."

"... Um... s-so, how do you and Spike...?"

"We've been stealing our neighbor's hose water at night to stay clean," Twilight quickly answers Fluttershy, no hint of embarrassment in her words. "It's a miracle that the tabloids haven't discovered that little juicy headline yet... As for going to the bathroom? Hahahah... hahahahah!! Y-you girls really don't want to know! Hah!

"... I hate this place..." Twilight suddenly says, switching from laughing manically to being completely serious. "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it..." She lets out a long sigh. "... No water, no heating, it sucks magic out of the environment and causes trouble for everypony in town..." Anger begins to seep into her once calm voice. "...and it's a Celestia damn eyesore!

"This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me, girls. I hate it... grrr... grrr!!"

With a loud growl of frustration, Twilight rises up into the air and screams at the top of her flustered lungs that "I!

"Fluffing!

"Hate!

"This!

"Bucking!

"Stress causing!

"Castle!! I hate it with all of my heart and soul! Hate hate hate, grrrrr!!!"

"Oh boo, freaking, hoo. So the spoiled little princess doesn't like her new toy... Forgive me for not being that sympathetic."

...

...

Silence.

Nothing but silence.

A deep, dark silence had fallen over the room, nearly bringing it down to a sub-zero temperature.

Once again, all eyes fell on Big Macintosh. Looks of horror were etched on four of the five mare's faces.

An equal look of horror soon appears on the stallion's face as his brain slowly catches up with his rogue mouth, detailing what exactly he had just said and to who. He slowly turns away from the mirror as he nervously looks up to the flying alicorn overhead. "O-oh... o-o-oh no..."

"..."

Twilight stops flapping her wings. With an unceremonious crash, she lands on her hooves roughly and begins to slowly trot up to Big Mac. Her face is devoid of emotion and the smoke coming off of her horn has only increased in volume.

"T-twi," Applejack begins to say, stepping into the unstable princess' path. "S-sugarcube? Y-y-you need to calm down here now. It was just a slip up! Y-you can't blame... there's no reason... j-just listen to me!"

Applejack's words fall on deaf ears as, with the simple application of magic, a pure wall of dark purple energy separates the two ponies. Twilight tilts her head to the side, using the half completed forcefield to push her friend off of the path and towards the rest of the gathered mares. The four ponies watch with scared eyes as Twilight completes the field, encasing herself and Big Macintosh within its magenta dome. The stallion backs away from the approaching princess, accidentally knocking over the mirror behind him and shattering it. The sound this action makes is ignored as Big Mac falls backwards onto his flank, somehow avoiding the glass. "P-princess Twilight," he rambles. "I... I-I..."

"..."

Twilight leans forward, looking the red pony directly in his scared green eyes...

... and then she leans backwards, falling onto her own flank and simply sitting there. Her forelegs are held firm and her form stands at attention as she stares at the now talkative stallion.

"... Well, Big Macintosh?" Twilight asks simply, her voice the very definition of cold and frigid. "... Go on.

"I'm listening."