Zecora invites Pinkie Pie and Rarity to her home to share some zebra delicacies. Little do they know how familiar they are with these particular treats.
!Warning! This Contains: Micro, Vore, Implied Hard Vore
Chapters (1)
FlyPone
Joined 5th Sep, 2014 ·
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I don't normally dislike but this is disturbing
4963766
Well, vore isn't for everyone.
Why?
4963840
Because horrifying fetishes that scare those who don't have them.
4963846 Sounds about right
Nice story though
I'm quite the vorarephilian, although I do have my limits
4963895
How so, sir?
4963905 Digestion bores me and crunching is pointless. I prefer safe acid
4963935
Ah, I don't really like the description of the digestion or stomach myself. My interest stops at the throat. I like a bit of crunching, but not just that alone. I mostly like the feeling of doom for the prey.
It's been said but I'll say it again this shits disturbing
This seems really out of character, even for an AU. Especially considering the ponies know Breezies can talk and feel. And were turned INTO Breezies once. It's okay to do fetish work but you should try to be as loyal to the source material as you can. This doesn't have that. And this from a huuuuge voraphiliac!
4964012
Yeah, that's kind of my problem. While I come up with plenty of ideas, my set up for them tends to be kind of poor.
4963771
I suppose not, I apologise if my comment came off as rude
4964047
It's okay, I know I would be shocked as well.
>micro
aww man.
4964234
Aw come on. There's nothing wrong with being small! It's much better than hanging out with giants.
4964267
but micro makes vore so much less satisfying! there's no prolonged swallowing, no bulging throat, no distended, prey filled bellies. it's just overall less, imo.
4964409
Oh, you like same-size vore. While I can still understand the appeal, I prefer micro/macro vore. That way, the predator must give no effort to swallow the prey, snacking on them without a care in the world.
4964437
yeah, I also understand the appeal of micro, and even enjoy it myself, on occasion.
I guess I'm just a little miffed that it seems every single time I see a new story has been added to the vore group, it's either micro or hard vore.
also, I just noticed, in your short description
4964504
Fixed, I actually noticed that in the normal description after I submitted, but I guess I forgot the short one.
4964012 I'm glad you said that. I found the story gross, but since I don't like vore, that isn't a huge surprise. I can't blame the author for that a bit, because it's clearly labeled and I can't claim I wasn't warned, and as the author said, it's not for everybody. Still, Rarity and Pinkie's reactions seemed out of character, and particular Pinkie's, since she thought the Breezies were so stinking cute, and since they're all been one.
I didn't want to judge that, because I know I'm biased,and it wouldn't be fair, so I'm glad you did.
4964599
Yeah, the story wasn't really meant to be very "in character". I just got the idea, and the two of them just seemed to have the right personalities for the role.
4964037
The premise wasn't bad, it was just the setup really needed work. Perhaps next time, try to figure out a way to make it work a bit better, think of a more realistic reason they'd try something like this. Like, say, a shrinking spell to uncover what's causing one of their tummies to ache? Or if you prefer full-size, perhaps Twilight wants to test a new spell and she's unsure of it's safety, etc, etc?
4964618
Eh, I mostly like the idea of the prey dreading their impending fate, so consensual vore doesn't really work for me. My main weakness is how I set up my premises, I agree there.
Greetings from 4chan. I'm your fellow anon, with my promised review.
I actually enjoyed this, though it's pretty easy to see why it has so much hate.
Yep, that’s pretty shock factor for you right there. As a reader, I too would demand some pretty good explanation for this sudden behavior.
Still, after a moment’s consideration, is this not what fan fiction is? It’s sort of that “What if” moment, when you think about an alternative scenario, and decide to write it. People just draw the line in different places as to how far is too much change. You’re kind of tap-dancing right across that with this one. It’s your story, so it’s your choice, but people are going to object to this particular take on Pinkie and Rarity, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.
I do really like that Rarity has some reservations at first, as it plays well off of Pinkie’s constant acceptance of everything around her. The real “what if” here is “what if Zecora saw the breezies as a delicacy, “A Foreign Delicacy”. Splendidly imagined, I must say.
Poorly typed, however. Not as far as narration or prose is concerned; you actually handled those surprisingly well. But looking at this, I am willing to bet bits to breezies (see what I did there?) that either English is not your first language, or you didn’t have this proofread before you published it.
Is a good exampled. That’s either a tense shift or a typo, both of which would need to be fixed. I wouldn’t mind giving this a proofread for you in a Google Document, but it definitely needs it.
And finally, your opener.
This could have been done better.
I can see this is your first story on this site, and that you probably just joined the site today. I don’t mean to jump to conclusions, but my guess is this is your first crack at writing in general. If not, my apologies. If so, well, congrats on your first story.
To start with, your first sentence should be something exciting that simply cannot be ignored. This one is kind of bland, and easy to ignore. Yeah, they’re headed to Zecora’s hut, but there’s nothing here that simply begs me to read further. Try adding something like the nature of their visit—something to pull it out of an everyday experience.
You might even have them meet on the path there, and describe their perplexion at being invited to zecora’s for dinner.
“Oh, hey, Rarity. You headed to Zecora’s?” Pinkie pie pranced up behind her friend as they entered the Everfree.
“Pinkie? You got an invitation too?
“Yup yup. What do you suppose these ‘Zebra treats are?”
You can take it from there I’m sure.
Overall, it’s actually not bad. Thumbs up on your first story, bro. Clean it up a bit, and I look forward to more from you in the future. If you choose to continue writing, that is, which I definitely recommend.
4965066
Thank you very much for the critique.
You are right in your assumption that I just joined the site today, though I've already written for the thread a few times. This is just the first thing I've felt comfortable with putting up outside the thread.
My main stance with "fetish fuel" stories(which I see this one as) is that as long as you keep the characters' basic personalities, it should be okay. I'm obviously going for something in which they'll be a bit out of character, but I at least tried to sick to their personalities.
My main intention was a sort of corruption idea, with one character being coaxed into the situation by the others. I figured that Pinkie would be the perfect familiar character to help coax her into it, seeing as she could be someone who just goes along with the flow. I thought Rarity would be an ideal choice because she's someone who tries to be upper classed, so Zecora would assume she would appreciate the meal as I stated in the story.
I will say that I have many ideas for premises. The idea of zebras seeing Breezies as delicacies is only one of many. I actually only came up with that particular one just yesterday. I definitely have no problem with ideas, it's just how I executed them is what feels like a problem for me personally. My main problem I know is how I set up my stories. I usually just jump into a story, rushing through the start and only really getting into it once I actually get to the whole point of the premise.
English is my first language, I'm just a pretty bad proofreader. Whenever I usually come across a typo in writing, whether my own or that of someone else, my mind will normally just fill in the blanks itself, causing the mistake to be missed altogether. While this comes in handy in reading for pleasure, it can be pain while proofreading.
I normally write stories like this on rushes, stopping every half hour or so and continuing later, which might explain some of the unpolished feel. My next work will most likely be a gentle macro/micro story, so I'll be more easily able to think it out as I write it.
I'm glad you liked it, it is nice to get a bit of positive feedback, since I didn't really get much of a response at all from the thread, or many positive responses here. Thank you for the criticism as well, it will definitely help. I'm glad to know I have another reader out there, and I hope you enjoy my next work. I certainly don't plan on stopping any time soon.
Well, I liked this.
And if your comment is anything to go by, you will be making more Micro/Macro stories.
Good, this site needs more of that.
I await your next story.
wait hmm? breezies are in this?....
4965448
Yep, though they meet with bad fates...
4965201
Glad to hear it. I look forward to the madness, and I should really stick around the thread more often. I seem to be missing a ton of stuff.
4965451
th04.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/057/8/7/you_ve_met_with_a_terrible_fate__haven_t_you_by_tchukart-d5w9kh1.png
4965521
That pic is exactly what came to mind.
You really should stick around more. I recommend at least skimming through at least once every two or three days, to at least get a bearing of things.
Please make more!
Oh, do one with Celestia!
4965680
I've been thinking of something with Celestia, but it would be gentle rather than vore.
Awesome. Very good micro. Write one with Celestia and Luna :3
4971252
Oh, I have an idea, it just might be a while until I write it. I'm more in a gentle mood at the moment.
The irony will come when the dragons decide ponies are small and taste good, and then Pinkie complains when one eats her.
5033805
Or if one of Zecora's potions goes wrong and shrinks her. She just better hope Pinkie does come across her. She just might regret sharing, then.
5034392 Or if Twilight, who as yet doesn't know the other cruel, evil, sadistic, malevolent, psychotic, diabolical, savage, bestial, demonic (ALL RIGHT!! WE GET IT!!! THEY'RE BAD!! GET ON WITH IT!!)... grr, fine!
Twi doesn't know several of the others are eating Breezies. So after Flutters helps with the migration, Twi transforms them as per the episode. And then Pinkie, Rarity (and Dashie, because she's pretty dumb and would get talked into it in 10 seconds flat.
) are terrified because they know Zecora was looking for Breezies that very day! They admit to their evil and Twi, Flutters and AJ (who hates predators cuz her parents were torn apart by Timber Wolves... Don't look at me like that! It fits! It's entirely plausible!) are disgusted and leave... only to quickly be caught by Zecora. Then after they're eaten, the 3 evil ponies are caught and eaten too.
Then Zecora, accidentally brushing into Poison Joke from being distracted by the tasty Breezies, also becomes a Breezie... and is eaten by... uhm... I dunno. Hmm, a Star Spider. No pony belly for her. She instigated this sordid affair and must suffer the agonizingly slow liquefaction of her innards by spider venom!
Perfect...
5688592 I am bestest at ironic vore doom punishements!
Story was okay. Liked the vore but the entire time I could imagine Fluttershy walking in, then becoming the Fluttershy from Pony.mov on them.