"I gave you my dreams. And you gave me your heart to make them."
Scootaloo has drawn the line in the sand and excluded herself from the rest of society for fear of being bullied. She answers her door to nopony, not even her best friends. The educational system is getting worried and can't afford to have Scootaloo in exile for too long. Somepony has to go in and help her.
Page generated in 0.091 seconds
Total duration
996 users online
269,393 hits today, 2,314,256 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Sounds interesting, adding to read later. I have a few stories for a contest first though...
4963018 Thanks. That makes me feel good.
I read the description and thought this would be amazing.
It wasn't.
Don't be sad, This was a good, Original idea.
Keep working on this, Its good.
4963572 If you noticed, it said that the story is incomplete. Don't give up on me just yet mate!
4963621 "Keep working on this, Its good"
4963626 Could you give me some feedback on what you thought needed improving?
P.S. I hope you read the next chapters because they may enhance the atmosphere. I meant for this to be more revealing but didn't really have the capability because I thought that it would go on too long!
4963645 The descriptive writing, It felt very bland.
4963649 Got it. Thanks very much
Stubborn little thing isn't she?
Liked the part when Rainbow showed up though
4963947 Thanks! Next part coming out soon so stay tuned for that!
After all this time someone has dome something new with scoots for a change.or at least something that is less used
4966998 this is new? okay!
4967002 the only story I've read where scoots seems to hear voices or something vaguely the same ids the family mares series
4967010 The hearing voices was completely unintentional! By that I mean I didn't intend for it to happen. The only reason i put it in was because one symptom of schizophrenia is 'losing your train of thought'.
4967022 well keep this up, the story has potential
Okay, I love me a good Scootaloo story...this isn't bad, but there is something decidedly "off" about it.
That right there kinda sums up what I mean. I get the point, Rainbow Dash is pleading with Scoots to let her help, but the phrasing is just weird, I don't know if you're quoting something or what. There are other instances of akward phrasing throughout as well.
and
are two tother phrases that are stilted.
On a more constructive level, sometimes you go long stretches without a dialogue tag, that can be a little confusing, and it robs you of an opportunity to inject some emotion/context into your scenes. My advice is to try and find a pre-reader who can help you iron out the rough patches. Also there are a few grammatical type erorrs, words that don't need to be capitalized etc. This has potential, keep at it.
4970408 Thanks a lot. It wasn't needed but I quoted the name in the description so I felt compelled to include it in the final thing. I'll try to edit a bit and put in a little more dialogue to make it a more enjoyable experience!
who the fuck mistakes a filly on their front step for a burglar?!? i mean WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
If you're going to write a story with mental health issues you need to treat them seriously. You just had Scoots admits she hears voices telling her to kill herslef and the response from the hospital is "well this isn't my field, I guess I'll let you go".....also parenthesis after speech is not the correct way to indicate dialouge.
4998359 Treat it like a quick time event. IRL we have teens that go around burgling houses and even kids who commit crimes. it just may be rarer than adult theft.
[UPDATE] In this case the fight or flight response would have kicked in. A surprising event would have forced Rarity to make a choice between confronting whoever was there or run away. She chose to fight and henceforth, she attacked.
Also, this reminds me a lot of Oscar Pistorius for some reason.
4999984 She didn't tell the nurse that she heard those types of voices and have you ever heard of people who per say don't work in orthopaedics and can't do anything about broken bones as good as someone who does work in that field. At short notice like this the hospital wouldn't and couldn't have known the severity of the situation.
I get where you're coming from because it may not be the best written and now that I've slept over it, I want to change it a bit. I've just come out of a writing slump where I couldn't find the time nor motivation to write so it may not be the best of my ability.
Thirdly, using brackets is a shorthand of showing who is talking at what time without dragging it out or people getting confused in the middle of trialogue.
Lastly, I tried to fix the problem of not using enough speech and I hope that it is adequate!
This is getting deep. I haven't seen or read a compelling Scootaloo story like this since, Working Towards the Future. Have a like and a fav.
5009308 Thanks so much! Nice profile pic btw
Schizophrenia isn't curable, Sweetie. Just ne glad she's not as bad as Jani.
5045876 Sweetie belle doesn't know that Schizophrenia isn't incurable. She'd never heard of it before this!
5045871 Thanks for the feedback! I'm surprised that people get feels from this because I think I'm terrible at writing sadness.
5045996 Not once? Isn't there a mental ward in ponyville though? (I swear-I seen Screwlose somewhere in the show)
5046019 no, really. This is a really well-writen story.
5046020 There probably is but I can't remember if I've seen any.
5046204 Dankeschon fur das!
*sighs*
I'm surprised that nopony took Scootaloo to Twilight yet. At the very least, she can ask Celestia for advice, as well as transport to Canterlot if necessary.
5048239 I guess that's something to consider! Thanks for the idea.
5048239 Yeah, or even Zecora right
5130493 Just wanna say, sorry for the delay between chapters. It's just that I can hardly keep up with school work never mind write. I am trying my best but it's hard to juggle these things. I'll keep this suggestion in mind and keep an eye out for new stuff. Thanks a lot for sticking with me!
oof, poor scoots
uh-oh
I've had my moments of hearing voices in my head, when my room was the laundry room at my mom's house, it was fuckin scary
that was pretty deep, poor scoots
