Corrupted Souls

Applejack wishes to do something without her friends for once how about go up a mountain that royalty fobids

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 14 )

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RavenFire2908

RavenFire2908 #1 · Sep 8th, 2014 · · · The offer ·

I like this ;D

DerpyNate

DerpyNate #2 · Sep 8th, 2014 · · · Mountain climb ·

Pretty good so far, however, Applejack is one word, not Apple Jack.

And if this line isn't a sin, I don't know what is.

"Alright Twi, but any updates on dat mountain tell me, k?" said Apple Jack.

Not bad, I'll keep reading.

DerpyNate

DerpyNate #3 · Sep 8th, 2014 · · · The offer ·

Well, I liked this chapter, it was far from bad, but even further from average.

This is by far my favorite part.

"Wow, what else can ya do?" asked apple jack intrigued by the powers of the beast.

"lots more all you need to do, is give me you soul" said the dragon with a grin.

Applejack would nev-

."Give ya me soul? Sure, it was difficult getting up this darn mountain anyways"

...

Wait... what? She just, like, gave her soul like that. K.

Sauron

Sauron #4 · Sep 8th, 2014 · · · The offer ·

*Groan*... second time today. Today is going to long.

Judging Fics by Their Covers: My Impression of Your Description
Part 6 of 9999: Corrupted Writing

You know, this is the first one of these reviews where the title was good and the story wasn't "Alicorn OC" level cliche. This could actually be good.

Now let's talk about what's bad:
The description is too short. It's only one sentence, and not a long one at that.

The chapters are too short. They're only 500 words. Many have said this before, and I say it now: 1000 words minimum. I recommend at least 2000 words a chapter. (I've broken this rule.)

Grammar: Your description is a run-on sentence with bad grammar and no punctuation.

"Fobids" is not a word.

Characterization: Applejack doesn't act like Applejack. She doesn't seem like the character in the show.

Impression: 32/2563

Flame Blade