BlackRoseRaven
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So far, this shows a lot of promise. It comes across as something more creative than the standard H.I.E. stories. And while you have a minor "telling rather than showing" issue you could clean up, your writing style is still pretty good. I've put this on my reading list, and I hope you will continue it soon.
Editing to add: I see from your blogpost that you've already completed it, so I guess I won't have to wait too long for that continuation.
4962523
Thanks. I haven't actually had time to edit this story yet and repetition is my biggest weakness when it comes to writing, so uh. I'm not surprised there's some of that for me to tweak when I can find the time. But thanks very much for the fave, and I hope you enjoy the story.
4962597
Thanks very much. And yeah, beginnings are often a weakness, and this story'll be a little messier than my usual writing, to be honest. But I hope the story itself is still a pleasure to read and you're able to enjoy the weird tale it follows. It's going to take some uh... interesting twists and turns, and I think I'm going to post two chapters tomorrow so I can get all the main characters introduced, so you won't have to worry about waiting for more to read.
Thanks very much for the fave as well. It's much appreciated.
I always enjoy your work, will give it a read as soon as your done posting it up!
4964984
Thanks very much for the fave and the interest. It should be up uh... give or take ten days, maybe a little shorter, depending on how fast I edit and how many chapters I post a day. I do hope it proves enjoyable, though: it's a little out there at times, even by my standards.
I'm enjoying the tale so far. Sally feels real enough despite a little inconsistency, - panic attacks can do that to you - and I feel the reactions of the ponies are realistic for the situation. Minor grammatical errors and inconsistencies aside, I think it's far better than the current rating suggests. Looking forward to reading what you put out.
4970874
Thanks very much. Yeah, the story is pretty rough, I'll be the first to admit that. I'm hoping to start editing out some of the errors once I get a chance, but I didn't want to leave people waiting another month for me to get this online, since I've been talking about it forever.
And Sally's oddness will actually be explained a little while down the road, around chapter eight. It's actually something I had a lot of fun with, but I never get a chance to actually explain why she goes back and forth: the ponies around her mainly pass it off as 'panic attacks.'
Thanks again, though, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story. Gets extra weird from here.
So this story is one part James Camerons' Avatar, one part Racism correct?
Oh wait...
Epileptic Trees time!!!! I get the feeling Datura crafted Sally's entire life and she's either just a figment of his own, or a natural born pony with rewritten memories
So figments are born out of a need for the enviroment to adept to more mature themes and new ideas/needs of the world? If so, new theory, Sally is a figment created in the world to be reverse-Batman: She's not the heroine we deserve, but she's the one we need
4980771
That. Uh. That is a really interesting idea, I will say that much. But uh. Well, you'll see. Things finally do start being explained a little more.
And. That is a fantastic way to put it, yes.
4984221 holy buck you write fast. I salute you
5007169
To be honest, this story took way too long to write. There were a bunch of false starts, and then a long pause where I didn't work on it at all about halfway through, and then kind of a jagged finish. And then I posted the whole thing up in draft form so uh. I really should have spent both more and less time on this one.
5008513
Thank you very much. Yeah, it was really a... personal story, I guess, at the end of the day. Just something where I played around with things. But I'm glad to hear you found it enjoyable all the same. I have no idea if I'll ever do anything further with this, but. It was definitely good to get it out.
I loved this, it is fantastic!
Thank you so much for sharing this story, and I can't wait for your next book!
And I do hope you decide to write more in this universe.
5075744
Thank you very much. I'm glad it proved an enjoyable read for you. I mean, it's a weird as hell story, so. I'm just happy some people have been able to enjoy it.
I will at some point try and get Daemon published. Probably. Honestly, some days I just feel like throwing all my stuff up on FictionPress instead of trying to get it in book form. But when things calm down a little more, maybe I'll start sending out manuscripts.
As to writing more in this universe, I'll admit it is tempting. I do think I would actually like to do more with Datura and company at some point, although I have way too many plans for stories right now and way too little time to work on anything.
Woohoo, I finally made it!
Yeah, I kind of agree with you in saying that more could have been expanded on. It was an interesting story with an amazing concept. I'm fine with the amount of Crossworlder content we got, since personally I can only imagine crossover and spoof type material coming from anything in depth with that unless it gets seriously fleshed out. I would have liked to see more interactions with Canon Camp members though, specifically less prominent members not included with recruiters or guards and their interactions with the trueborns. Also Splinthoof, it felt like he didn't get enough love in this story. And Terrance, I was hoping for a little scene with him in the epilogue, since I think you mentioned that he was from the same hometown as Sally. Maybe a short confrontation, a fist to the face or something.
Everything else I enjoyed. Datura and how he and Splinthoof always seemed to but heads, Sally and the whole 'feral' concept, the 'freak' circus, and how the avatars were able to change the world around them. I'd like to see how Equestria will recover from all that change.
I'd keep going, but I don't have anymore time to keep typing away here.
In closing, I have to say that I still thoroughly enjoyed this, and I can't wait to see what you come up with next.
5084747
Thank you very much. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it overall, since... well, it really was a weird story.
I honestly could do many stories about Canon Camp. In Datura's long and jaded past there are about a billion run-ins with Canon Camp. Probably more than Crossworlders, and Datura's pissed off more than his share of them, too. He's such a not-people pony.
I originally had a lot planned for Splinty and his friends, but... it just kind of fell out of place. I'm going to try and rectify that if I do another story, since he'll get to still be around.
Sally would totally kick Terrance's ass. I dunno if he'll ever pop up again or not, but he was pretty smart. Horribly arrogant, but pretty smart.
Equestria will be... different, certainly. But not necessarily for the worse, I think. Datura is just a negative nelly. I would love to do more with the Cirque du Noir someday, and all this other crazy stuff. And Datura, obviously, is... a character rather near and dear to me, for reasons you probably guessed.
I'm glad you liked it. But even more, thank you for reading it. I know this story is... hard for a lot of people to understand or stomach. But it's personal, too, in a few ways, even if those ways are mostly covered up by grime and bad writing and madness. So... thank you, again, for continuing to read, and be a part of all these worlds I've crafted. I appreciate it, more than I can say.
5084921 I think part of the reason for me liking this story so much is that in some aspects I can closely relate to Datura.
Pony Mike Tyson? He relies on quickly ending fights and can't very well adapt to longer battles?
5096548
Not a completely terrible comparison. That, and a little too much tunnel vision.
Hoofgrip...huh, I oddly like this word. A nice word for one of the biggest mlp-mysteries to date...
Hmm...yes, I think this will be a most pleasent read.
Although...with words like "worldcrafter" and "figment"...
)
This has no ties whatsoever to the Blooming Moon chronicles, yes? (because I'm a little scared that if there would be a connection, I might miss out on some things...
5106518
I always figured ponies were just like the Powerpuff Girls.
But thanks. I do hope you enjoy it. It's still pretty rough because I'm kind of busy and editing this is pretty far down the to-do list. It should make an interesting break from the Chronicles for you, though.
There's... no connection to the saga storywise, no. There will be one small important detail, but you've read more than enough of the Chronicles to understand it when it does come up, so you don't have to worry about missing out on anything or any spoilers or whatnot.
So all Avatars have at least minor reality-warping abilities and all ponies have biological immortality?
A fascinating concept indeed...
Also, I have the feeling that this whole world(/story) is a...metaphor...for...something...
I'll get back to you on that later.
Wait...Celestia said that some Avatars lingered in Equestria for over a century...and that Splithoof already served for seventy years and that he was born even before the first Avatars appeared...
Ehrm...
How long ago did the first Avatars appeared then?
5109853
Sort of, yes. They do die of old age, but it takes a lot longer, and there's a whole... rebirth cycle I never really got into, which certain ponies go through a lot faster. There's kind of a huge slaw of background information to this story I never really got a chance to actually include.
And well, you're good at putting things together. I'm sure you'll figure this story out.
But oh, hell. I was freaking out there for a minute, I thought I'd made some major chronology error. But no, no. It's been just over a hundred years: Splinthoof was actually a field medic and care worker before he joined the Royal Guard when they had to increase their presence thanks to the coming of the Avatars. He never made the cut for the Royal Guard before then.
Which. Is something else I never got to include because... writing this story was a very bumpy ride for me.
Ehrm...sorry for making you freak out.
I was going to comment how it felt that this story ran at an awfully fast pace, with probably no more than 6, 7 days since Sally woke up thinking she was in a darker-then-usual well...
But then:
So...uhm...how many days actually passed since her awakening?
Also:
Lastly, Rose reminds me of a certain other dull pink-coated pony who also (co-)owns a candystore (with her twin sister...in BLCA at least)...
(I also think I figured out the metaphor... your explanaton of the factions helped a lot.
)
5111031
No worries. It just goes to show how disorganized I am when it comes to this particular story. And it does follow a pretty fast pace, yeah: I honestly couldn't tell you for sure how long or short it's been, although this does follow a pretty rapid timeline: Sally, after all, wants out of Equestria as soon as possible, and I was able to skip a lot of travel time with the chariot ride.
And well, you know. Maybe it's just because they "stick out" whenever I look for pony stuff online but uh. Sex sells, and all that.
But that's right. Rose is uh... an interesting case. And again someone I never got to write enough of in this story. I hope you continue to enjoy the story, though: it's a strange one, after all, and I'm just glad it's readable in the first place.
Well, that got...dark...rather quickly.
Then again, seeing you wrote this, I shouldn't really be surprised (or horrified, for that matter) anymore...
Guess I still have some humanity left.
Also, about those first two crossworlders:
I guess you had fun writing them?
Huh...
That's interesting.
(Or maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there. If so, please ignore this...
)
Edit: I was indeed just seeing things...
Ehrm, nothing to see here...move along...
5117737
I am a pretty awful person so. Yes. Datura tends to be a little. Foul-tempered when it comes to dealing with other Avatars.
And oh yes. There were a few fun characters in this story, actually. It's weird to put into words: even the ones that were very difficult to write, writing them also... cleared my head, I guess you could say.
I hope that was the little important detail you mentioned?
About the core chamber part, a few thoughts.
1.
2. I guess this was the cause of the many downvotes.
3.
Weren't his eyes crushed moments before?
4.
5.
I honestly thought you made that word up...
6. How the hell is DO still alive up until the (horrible) improvised noose?
Well...
Congratulations, I guess...
You achieved the unthinkable.
(Well, almost unthinkable...only 1 other fic did it before...)
You broke me.
5122744
Somewhat. It's the next chapter that'll really... explain some things.
And yes. It gets quite... visceral. There's some method to my madness, though: the more damage Datura takes, the stronger he is, as I've sort of noted before. Generally if there's a gore tag on my stories, though, uh. Well, it's important to be forewarned. You read BLCA, after all.
I actually got quite a few downvotes long before this. People just don't like this story. I mean, I can't exactly blame them, really, It is a rough, and weird, story.
And well. The body can survive some... pretty grisly things being done to it, especially if it happens fast. Datura tears him to pieces, but what he's doing is mainly going for pain and punishment, not killing until the end. There's some pretty grisly and frightening anatomy facts I could spout here, but uh. I'll spare everyone the horror. We can also say that our little friend here doesn't have the added juice from the tether anymore, but he does still have a little bit of that power going through his body. Enough to work against him, unfortunately.
I apologize for the breaking. My stories may do that from time to time.
So...ehrm...
Where was Luna during the whole...siege thing?
I'm not really sure if it's a good question, but...I remember she was mentioned at least once (well, twice actually, if you would include not-Luna as well) and following canon she should have been sleeping in the castle, so...
Well, this was certainly a pleasant and...interesting read, even including the part where you...well...broke me.
I'm not sure if the concept has been explored before (that is, an Equestria with a massive amount of people who became self-inserts where all oc's have at least minor reality-warping abilities, and how that would affect the world they wanted to live in.), wich was actually the reason I picked up this story in the first place.
And once you figure out who Datura is...
It certainly got a lot more immersive, to say the least.
Also, I believe this is the first fic (Of all the fics I've read so far) where the author described that pony-ears "swivel" (come to think of it, I never saw that in any of the five parts of the Blooming Moon Chronicles I've read so far), so for that reason alone this goes in my favorites.
I'll probably read the edited version as well (if that is ever going to happen...) and I would be delighted if you ever decide to expand on this verse.
5130133
I actually wanted to pointedly avoid using Luna for this story. For uh. A few different reasons, actually. But I can cover myself by saying that Luna was probably keeping order in Canterlot, too. But uh. She and Datura would not get along at all. For many reasons.
But thank you very much. I'm glad to hear that you ended up enjoying this crazy, weird story. I'm glad you found it somewhat... unique, for lack of a better word, but I think what really drove me to write this was... well, just weird personal reasons, and the fact this story has been on my mind for months. I'm just what the stories are written through, at the end of the day. What my hands tell me to do, I have to do.
And thanks. I suppose that's my horseriding kicking in. I have a bad habit of always checking my horse's ears while riding.
I certainly would like to edit this, though, when I have the time. Clean it up a little, maybe slip in some extra material. Just to make it look a bit better. As for expanding on it, well... I do have a few ideas, I'll admit. But it might be a little different from what people expect.
Thanks very much for the fave, though, too, and I hope you continue to enjoy my works. And thank you for reading this story, in particular. I'm glad it ended up being a pleasure for you.
Different start, wondering how many others will be there.
5191175
This is quite a strange story. Avatars will play a pretty big role in it, too: I think the majority of the characters we'll meet are Avatars. I hope it proves an enjoyable read for you, though, either way.
I've got to say, I really liked some of the ideas presented in this story. It had a great way of presenting the fallacy and radical dreams of people in a light that can be appreciated, whilst still being inoffensive to the community as a whole. I love all of your books :)
5202211
Thank you very much. I'm glad that you enjoyed this weird little foray into the unknown. I know that it does touch on some awkward topics here and there and I'm glad you felt I dealt with them well. Honestly, I probably could have afforded to be a bit more tactful here and there but... it's hard to be super careful about everything when you have characters like Datura discussing it all.
But I much appreciate it. And thank you kindly for the watch as well. I hope you continue to enjoy my silly stories, and if I ever put Back Where We Don't Belong into motion, I hope you'll enjoy that too.
Rose, you never seem to disappoint me with what you write. Love this story.
I have said it before and I will say it again, you are a glorious bastard Rose.
In the Datura\Terrance fight, I half expected Datura to summon a Tyrant Worm.
5276766
Thank you very much. I'm glad that you enjoyed this story: it's uh... definitely different from my usual fare, and kind of rough around the edges still. One day I'll edit it all. One day.
And. Damn. That would have been smart. I even had the dracolich in there. I could have easily made that a Wyrm, yes.
Thanks kindly for favin' this as well. It's much appreciated.
I'm gonna take the plunge and read this, cause if anyone can make that premise work, it's you.
5298774
I hope you enjoy it, then, since it's quite the strange journey, even by my usual standards.
5308564
Thank you kindly. I'm glad that you were able to enjoy it and found it worthy enough to add to your favorites, since. It's kind of a weird story and all. And there certainly will be a sequel, too. One in a... far different format than my usual, but I'm hoping it'll be an interesting adventure all the same.
Datura is such a dick and I love it.
I wonder how many people downvoted without feading... I'm really enjoying this.
Why is this not more popular?!
This is amazing!
5612251
Datura's dickishness is probably his best quality. Which says a lot about him, really.
But thank you. I'm very glad that you're enjoying this crazy story. It admittedly needs quite a bit of proofing and a little clarifying here and there, but I'm glad to know that it's still proving a decent read for you all the same.