• Published 6th Sep 2014
  • 7,907 Views, 141 Comments

JOUST - Sir Hat



A pair of princesses and a pair of humans get a stupid idea.

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CHARGE

I ran my hand along Celestia's side. "...So...you've had armor this whole time?" I asked, running my fingers under the metal plates and rubbing withers. "It looks good." I patted her flank, causing her back leg to lift and the metal plates to clank. "...Seriously?"

Celestia turned her head to me, "Mmmphmpphmm!" She mumbled, her head stuck in an armet, her mane pulled through into a flowing ponytail. "...Mpghpm...." She lifted and hoof and raised her visor, bright magenta eyes a bit dilated. "Able...I'm allowed to have fun. You can sit out if you want!" She shouted, trotting back and forth.

I shrugged. "I just want to make sure I'm not gonna get murdered in some fake ass fight!" I patted Celestia's platemail sides. She was fidgeting like mad and fanning herself with her wings. Her helmet continually flipped up and down, clattering against her chin guard each time. "That helmet though...isn't it a bit ho--"

"It's unbelievably hot." Celestia stated, her chin guard sill covering up to her lower lip. "All of this is, but Luna and I get rather physical when we do this." She shifted to the side, her metal clad hooves digging up the dry dirt of the jousting lists. "It's going to be interesting with someone riding, but at least I don't actually have to worry about the lance."

I took a deep breath, looking across the massive lanes towards Luna. "So...why do you guys do this? I mean...it seems a bit old school."

Celestia nodded, accidentally slamming her visor down. "Mph-- It's fun, running full tilt, slamming into each other and clashing like ponies did in the old ages! And it's great for settling arguments."

I rubbed my mouth, my thick leather gloves rough against my lips. "Sounds like an analogy for lesbian stuff...."

Celestia glared at me, a dull yellow glow shining through the slits in her helmets. "She's my sister...."

I shrugged. "And? You always talk about being alive for thousands of years! You're telling me you two never fooled around!?"

Celestia shifted about, carefully lowering her helmet before she could start to blush. "Mpphm...."

"That's what I thought." I mumbled, finding my helmet and grabbing my lance. "Now, how is this gonna go down?"

Celestia shook her head, stretching her legs as far as she could. "Mmph--" She tore her helmet off with her magic, tossing it angrily to the ground. "I don't need you!" She shouted at the top half of the helmet. "Anyways...just...hold the lance still and try not to fall off." She lowered herself to the ground, folding her legs and settling in. "Now let's go! Luna bet me thirty bits she'd win...."

I leaned against the lance, "Don't you- don't you make the money? How is thirty bits worth knocking someone out for!?" I laughed, slowly pulling my helmet on. I was dressed up in some imported armor, just for the occasion. "You run the country!"

Celestia glared at me, blushing softly. "It's a matter of principle...."

I scoffed and climbed onto Celestia's back. "Sure- whoa there!" I held onto her armor, she was about the size of a normal horse, and a decent bit bigger than the other ponies. "Jesus- whoa!"

Celestia shook her body, nearly throwing me off her side. "I said hold on!" She barked, growing more and more forceful as things kicked off. "I'm not losing this...."

"Christ...calm down, it's not a big--"

"Since Luna's been back, she's won every time! We've done this ten times, and I'm tired of losing!" Celestia shouted, slamming her hoof down. "I want this!"

I held on as Celestia pranced about the starting point. "Well...alright then. Call your man to come sort this--"

Celestia laughed loudly. "Man!? You're not even a stallion!" Celestia snapped, breaking her usually calm demeanor to bits and replacing it with a fiery lancer passion. "You're just more mobile than a lance harness!"

I held on as Celestia pranced eagerly. "Take it easy!" I held onto Celestia's neck, barely able to keep the lance from digging into the dirt. "Celestia calm the hell down!"

"No you calm down!" She snapped, prancing in place, "I want to win this time!"

"Well then why'd you bring me!?" I hoisted the lance up, resting it on her neck. "I don't know shit about lances!"

Celestia shook her head. "You said you rode horses! I've seen your Earth horses, they're close enough!" She snorted angrily, "And Luna hired someone to help her, it's only fair I use someone who knows how to ride...so get ready!"

I shifted around as Celestia got into position. "Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet or something?"

"Lances ready!" A small crier pony screamed.

"Oh god- what do I do!?" I screamed, trying to sit on Celestia's back.

Celestia reared up, stomping her forelegs. "Sit, aim the lance and hold the shield! Aim for Luna's rider, okay!?"

I looked around, carefully raising the shield bolted onto my arm. "You sit me up here, put me in some freaking armor, give me a lance and you expect me to know what to do!?"

"Ready!?" The officiator reared up. "Joust!" She yelped, slamming her hooves down and ringing a loud bell.

In a flash Celestia bolted, zooming along with me struggling to keep from flying off her ass. "OOooooh my gooood!" I screamed, holding on for dear life and trying to keep the lance aimed at the steel clad rider Luna was carrying. It felt surreal, charging on the back of a magical princess, about to clash head to head with a black knight astride a lunar pony. The lance tucked under my arm, the medieval helmet on my head, it was all too much.

I started screaming like an idiot. "Fucking aaaaaaahaah! Woooooo!" Things went calm and clear as we rocketed towards each other, Celestia's mane flowing around my leg as she charged ahead, her hooves beating hard and tearing up the track. I was a god astride a sun princess, charging against the current evil.

Then in a flash, my body yanked back. My right arm stopped while the rest of me continued on at a breakneck pace. The lance was ripped from my hands as another glancing hit nearly broke my arm. I dropped the lance, holding on as a loud thud sounded behind us. I held onto Celestia's neck, the scent of oranges and berry shampoo wafting from her pony-tailed mane.

Celestia ran to the end of the list, sliding to a stop and spinning around. "I won!? We won!? Yes, yes, yeeees!" Celestia cheered, turning to face Luna's fallen rider and Luna herself. "I won, this time, I won!" She cried, lifting her head up and flipping her mane over her neck. She pranced daintily over to Luna, her rider rubbing his shoulder.

I felt numb, the grazing lance sending me into a slight shock. "Oh my god...that was, fucking awesome!" I shouted, slowly and sloppily dropping down from Celestia's side. I plopped down in the dust, rolling backwards and scrambling to my feet. "That was so--"

I stopped dead as I spotted something shiny and white in the dust. Celestia started gloating at Luna, getting in her face and acting like a massive child. "Um...Celestia-" I picked up the severed horn, looking over the cleanly shattered horn. "...Celestia...your--"

"Able be quiet!" She snapped, "Wait!" She ran over, slamming lips first into my cheek. "Thank you!" She chirped, still prancing in place. "We won we won we--" I cut her off, holding her severed horn up. She froze, shooting a hoof up to her horn and patting her stump. "...Wait...Not again!" She screamed, pushing me back. "Again, really!? I don't-AAhhhhh!"

I left her to her screaming and spazming, slowly walking over towards Luna. She lifted her visor, helping her rider upright. "Able, salutations!"

I waved, Celestia's horn still in my palm. "Uh...hi." I looked over to the downed rider. "You alright?"

The rider nodded, rubbing his arm and walking off. "I'm gonna go...lay down."

Luna smiled, stretching her legs. "So, the Sun prevails this--" She spotted the horn in my hand, covering her mouth with a hoof and snickering. "Perhaps not."

Celestia continued to scream obscenities, stomping her hooves and bucking the air. I took a few steps away, standing beside Luna. "Hey...so...these things grow back, right?"

Luna looked down at the horn. "In time, but for now I think it doesn't matter." She poked a metal covered hoof towards Celestia. "A Pyrrhic victory, it would seem."

I shrugged, dumping the broken horn in Luna's neck guard. "Eh...I'll take her to dinner, she'll--"

"I don't want dinner!" Celestia snapped, running over. "I want- I- carrots!" She yelped, pushing past me. "Somepony get me carrots!" She trotted off towards the nearest door into the Castle, lifting her hooves high with each step.

I rubbed my shoulder, a bit off put by her sudden rudeness. "Carrots?"

Luna continued to giggle. "Carrots are comfort food." She turned towards the castle, "I think perhaps you should find a different place to sleep, lest you be thrown out a window."

I laughed nervously. "She...she wouldn't really do that, would she?"

Luna stopped and rolled her hoof. "You share a bedroom, yes?"

"Yes...."

Luna nodded, "Then she may. Joust nights are rather aggressive. Emotions are high, energy is high, ponies are sent to the dungeon and Celestia eats a crate of carrots."

I scratched my head. "Oh...so...is it okay if I room with you?"

Luna smiled but shook her head. "I am entertaining a suitor, apologies."

I scratched my head, stretching out my arms. "...Maybe I can like...stand still in the courtyard, pretend to be a statue."

"I am doubtless Celestia would gladly turn you into a statue if you wished!" Luna chirped stretching out her wings.

I shook my head. "...I could make a joke about her making me hard...but I'd rather not be turned to stone, or...whatever those things are."

Author's Note:

Might get a funny sequel if this goes well.

Comments ( 138 )

Read Later Initiate!

>3 upvotes and 1 downvote
>2 total views

:ajbemused:

Ivoryverse?
It feels like the Ivoryverse.
Fuck it. Headcanon is Ivoryverse.

Brothers! Let us ride our pony princesses into battle! Together! HUZZAH!

I'm comfort food?
Kinky.

A pair of princesses and a pair of humans get a stupid idea.

i.imgur.com/D1sE2ta.png

Guy1: ''This has to be the stupidist idea ever''
Guy2: ''Yeah, but you know it's gonna be awesome''
Guy1: ''........yeah.''
:facehoof:

So damn funny.

I'm okay with this.

Now that was Metal. \m/ :pinkiecrazy:

Also ridiculous and funny. Mainly ridiculous, but I expect nothing less from a Sir Hat comedy.

Also Polandball can't into space.

<---- Jealous of Able.

Good thing Twilight wasn't there. I think she'd go catatonic from that.

In any case, an excellent scene. The tone captured the feeling of an adrenaline rush very well. Thank you for it. :twilightsmile:

God, Hat. I don't know where the hell you come up with this stuff. :rainbowlaugh:
Brilliant, never the less.

4961704 okay, I actually like Sir Hat, but that Gif was damn funny

Dammit Hat.

You're clogging up the Featured Box again.

Oh my fucking celestia that was great I love it .:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::yay::yay:

Hilarious. It was NOT expected:pinkiegasp::rainbowlaugh:

4962127
Dude I wrote this at 9pm because I thought it would be funny. I really can't control what gets popular. If I could, god knows I would be writing something different.

Hi my name is Twisted and this is Celestia and welcome to Jackass!:trollestia:

4962260

It's alright.

You're just too famous. :heart:

Let the silliness continue!

Before I listen to this.
Is Alcohol involved?

4962588
No, just competitiveness out the anus.

4961704 Somebody needs to bippity bop the fuck out of my life.

I'm kidding, maybe. But if you don't like Hat so much, why don't you just leave?

4962752
Snuggly just enjoys bitching. It's fine, I'm 98% sure he's fucking about.:trixieshiftleft:

4962767 Bippity bopping the fuck out of here.

>So you know who I am now?

Should have worn that helmet~

That was funny shit!:rainbowlaugh:
After a Jousting match like that, a good, hard, rutting is in order!:raritywink:
Luna's getting laid, and she loss!:trollestia::facehoof:

So a few things.

This feels really, really rushed. I really do enjoy the idea of the Princesses having humans ride them into a jousting match, but the pacing here is way too fast for it to hold my attention. I'm also not the biggest fan of the main character; he really seems to act like a prick and swears a metric fuckton for absolutely no reason, I'm certain because that's "mature" in your perception or something. He really rubs me the wrong way.

It would have been neat to get the perspective of the other rider, too, to see how Luna feels about the whole arrangement, maybe even have the different personality of the other human shine. Something, anything to buff this story up and make it a bit more interesting to read. What we have here is a neat idea, but it's bogged down by the main character being an utter prat, the rushed-to-hell pacing, and the immature takeaway of it.

It's a neat idea and a fair try, but ultimately this falls short. Also, I thought stories had to be like 4,000 words to make it to the box? At least they used to, then they changed the rules I guess.

4963186
This is just the most pointless vignette I could conjure up, and the narrator is a prat, the idea is that he is a massive douche, he's not mature, he's a dumb ass, and I really just wanted to hammer this out for a laugh.
The fact this got features is just kinda...meh? I mean, it's literally just a quick joke.

In short: the description of the story should also sum up the writing process.

If I were him (and the horn can't be re-attached), I'd keep the horn and have it carved into a hilt for a sword. Shit would be so cash.

Also, I would love a sequel.

Two humans jousting on the Princesses...

This will clearly end well. :pinkiecrazy:

4963220 Or the tip of a new lance.

4963482 nah, it'd break too easily.

4963646 I like the "Sword hilt" idea the best. A sword made from a sun goddess's horn is the stuff of legends.

4963724 ...The blade would be horny,And knowing how arcane those things are....Probably sentient.

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