Twilight did pass her exam, but her magic did not flare up. Hatching a dragon egg was more of an optional test the parents could agree too. Because her magic never flared, Celestia’s attention was not caught by her. Twilight was left to enter the best academy in the land, but not as the personal student of Princess Celestia.
Only a few months later Twilight sees how alone she is in it, surrounded by unfriendly mares and stallions who were at least three years older than her, she begins to struggle in her studies. Shining is no longer there to help, and neither are her parents. She is convinced she is in this alone.
When one night a mare visits Twilights in her dreams. Nightmare Moon offers to teach her, and help her study, for one thing in return. Travel to the the abandoned castle of the two pony sisters by the thousandth sun celebration.
- Member Since 26th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen May 22nd, 2016
FluffyDoom
I have the best puppy-dog face ever. It will make you cry.
FluffyDoom
Joined 26th Jul, 2014 ·
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This seems awfully similar to another story.
Interesting beginning. I look forward to seeing what you do with this.
4960649 Not really. There are many differences between the two.
4960649 Might seem like that, but honestly, this thing has been rolling around my head for a while. School has kept me busy though.
I haven't even read that story, but I guess I could look into it?
Keeping an eye on this one, looks good thus far, a few spelling errors but otherwise an interesting take of Filly Twilight!
It's great =D
Nicely written :)
5400684 Aw, thanks :D
5401933
No problems
Are there any plans to continue this story? I ask because I find the plot behind it interesting, and the last update for this story was 4 months and 20 days ago. So while I approve of the plot behind the story, I don't approve of the fact that it has yet to be completed. I realize that you probably have a good reason for this (job, school...) but you should consider writing more of this whenever you get some free time.
5423983 There are plans, and I have actually been trying to work on the second chapter but I feel like I am somewhat stuck in goop. I am moving slowly through the second chapter, and one wrong move in the goop will mess it up. I would call it writers block, except I can easily work on my other stories but not this one. I also feel the need to move carefully because I changed a few things in this plot from the original head cannon.
5424476
I will be putting this on my tracking list, then and eagerly awaiting the
Okay. good to know.
to be off.
I reread this today, and noticed a few errors that kinda' bothered me.
1) Make sure to spell out the numbers. You were very inconsistent with it here, and it was quite glaring.
2) Don't use abbreviations of actual words. "Cya" is not an appropriate alternative for "See ya'." Only use the abbreviations when a character is speaking and when the spoken word sounds different from the proper one.
3) Exclamation points can only be used in dialogue. Otherwise, it sounds like a schoolteacher faking excitement for a bunch of five-year-olds. It's extremely annoying. Periods and other methods of punctuation will work; and this also applies with run-on sentences. I spotted a few.
Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh or cold, but I try not to sugarcoat glaring errors like that. I'll be reading the next chapter now, and look forward to the rest of the story!
5433913 Not everyone can sugar coat, and sometimes that is needed
Though I disagree with that exclamation points should only be used in dialog, I feel they can be used appropriately in thought, and perhaps other things, just gotta find a way to place them, ya know? I guess I haven't found out how to place them correctly, and perhaps might be a bit found of them sometimes.
Besides that, I thank you for your constructive criticism, and I think you might have helped me decide on a piece of information I was given if it was bad or not. I was once told that if any number is bigger than 10, you shouldn't spell it out, never knew if it was true or not, but it does seem kinda lazy in hindsight, eh?
I really enjoyed it. The interaction between Chocolate and Twilight was truly adorable. However, I suggest you add in a little more detail. The way you're rushing it, not letting the reader understand the character, is making it really hard to sympathize with the ponies. Still cute, though, so I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Interesting concept! Couldn't wait for more!
4960649
Man, people need to link me to these things. I love this premise so much.
5592858 Dam this story is similar to your own from just reading the description alone, and you know what? I'm gonna give it a try, because you know; Nightmare moon is best pony.
so how will Twilight get her mark in this universe.
I can't wait to see nightmare moon show up
So far so good :)
One comment
while not an uncommon viewpoint, the vice principal saying not to be a tattle tail on the first day leaves unpleasant explanations for why the school had bullying problems before.
Do carry on.
I'm liking this story
I liked this chapter. I think I'm enjoying Twilight's classes as much as her!
I found a few misspellings in the chapter, but it was mostly alright. Also, 1000 should be written out as "one thousand". And, last nitpick: Twilight's Magic Spells class lasted seven minutes. You had the teacher announce what was going on, the students using their seven minutes, the teacher saying that they needed the words, and then the bell rang. I don't think that quite makes sense.
5663237 Sorry, my favorite time to write and double check my stories is late at night and when I am half-asleep XD.
5663253 That's alright. I'm guilty of the same.
So a year to her is a few minutes long, a few hours, and also a week? Your metaphor is leaking.
I like the premise of this, but it's sloppily written. Have you considered getting a proper editor?
5755540 Actually, I've been thinking of going through all my old books and rewriting them. Look on the bright side, at lest th magority of m grammer is stop on mst of th tme :D!
Well, at least you did something right others missed. You marked the story complete. Fastest way to prove an ending wrong.
5810691 Thanks X3
You can call this the Chocolate Ending
Funny. Really funny. -_- xD
Why is this marked as complete? Part of the joke?
I hate today.
5811019 yes.
5810873
5810811 ...I like it.
5811123
5811420 I Would Prefer you rename this the Chocolate Ending and keep it
5812399 ah, tomorrow.
... update?
A pox on April Fools' Day and all who participate in it!
Why!!!!! You lie!!!!!