- Member Since 2nd Aug, 2014
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
AJ Aficionado
The Guy who wrote "Dibs on My Sister". Prereader for Firesight, writer of erotic fanfiction and lover of Eeveelutions.
AJ Aficionado
Joined 2nd Aug, 2014 ·
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AJ Aficionado · 50k words · 317 15 · 4.4k views
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This is good.
here a pony for your workderpicdn.net/img/2014/8/29/710336/large.jpeg
haha no worries, thats a very promising start !
yeah vibration alert is not much fun, landing with wingboners even less !
haha not a bad job for a first time srysly ! be proud of you !
My only big thing with this story: you need a new paragraph every time someone new starts talking. That new line of dialogue should go on a new line.
Two instances of different characters speaking in the same paragraph. Better break a few lines there to separate the perspectives.
Would you say that Richard is "Still in the Air?..."
(10 seconds name that quote go!)
Hooah, Blossomforth!
Hmm... Were you perchance inspired by a certain fic on this site?
Break up this paragraph. There are two separate characters talking in it.
Well, free time after Christmas, writer's block, and nothing to worry about, I am starting on this story (that if I recall correctly, you told me not to anymore as you cancelled). I'm not much of a reviewer, but I'll try to keep this fun, constructive, and as informative as ever.
First, I like the idea of gaining citizenship by working in an escort company. I laughed hard at that. And it's a very valid move and idea. I like.
Richard, I like his impulsiveness in the way it comes off from the narrative. Though it doesn't really build up anything, it's short, sweet, and gives an idea of the personality.
Ever Ring seems a little strange, but then again, this is an intriguing side of her.
Lastly, as I'm still in chapter one, I have no idea what the timeline is compared to GFM (or G4M). I guess I can work that out later. Or not. We'll see.
There are some formatting issues, but I won't go there. Instead, I'll just poke through some of the world-building and add my two cents.
Just FYI, Equestria of the Gentlemenverse does sell meat, though it's a niche business. Mostly pork, though. Griffins will rarely import food because they are facing a shortage after the incidents of Feathered Heart.
I like this observation. It's also something I noticed odd about how Equestria canon is shown. While I did make Equestria not as advanced as it was shown in the show (they have arcade boxes, which means they do have computers), the most advanced thing I've seen them use to produce energy/electricity is a dam.
It's nice that you've also noted how simple living is in Equestria. Harry jogs for fun. (Granted, the sequel may open up a few modern human conviniences, but that's a spoiler).
Even the nicest guy, Harry, thinks it was stupid. And yes, he'll probably never let Richard live it down.
Huh. While I am aware the suit and tie was the uniform (or logo) for GFM, they do wear less conspicous clothing. Granted, not as casual as blue jeans and shirt, but yeah.
Props for using Pinkie. I was never brave enough to write her. Yet.
... you made me Hung-GREE!
I think the advantage of ponies is the ability to block out Pinkie's Insanity. Or maybe just those living in Ponyville?
For GFM Equestria, they can also change their name. Most do, if their primary names didn't fit the Cutie Marks they recieved.
Hmm, a darker aspect of Equestrian culture that Changeling Roun brought to light...
While it's very frowned upon, bordering illegal to have physical intimacy with those without Cutie Marks, a by-product of having overwhelming females is the fact that mares can court early. If they find a particular colt interesting, they go to the parents to make arrangements. It's flexible, though, with the parents and colt having the final say, but some humans will view it as child grooming.
Semi-precious my ass. If Rarity can put in diamonds, she will. XD
I don't know if it's me, but writing Rarity in small moments is really easy. I was a little challenged when writing a chapter dedicated to her, but the small parts, she's been very accommodating.
... yes, this comment is about me singing praises to Rarity's simple yet complex character. XD
Correction. Guns aren't permitted to be carried in Equestria. After all, for humans, everything is a weapon.
(Done with my HFY moment)
Whoo-hoo! First official military personel as a lead in the GFM universe!
Adrenaline junkie.
I can see a story in that.
"What do we have here?"
"Well... a human."
"Huh. Don't see many of them dead in a city."
"Wearing some type of hunting clothes."
Pause.
"Okay, there's got to be a story there."
Humans, infecting ponies with their brash lingos. What is wrong with decent words like rutting, or tucking in? XD
See what I mean? Disgusting humans and their corrupting ways!
For some reason, the whole chapter got my giggling. Richard really got into it, eh?
Very safety conscious too!
Richard, Richard. I'm pretty sure a lot of hunters actually admire their prey.
Granted, not that way, but you know what I mean.
Immediate distrust of this "Harry" character...
I'm liking it so far, lets see where this goes!
Money is always the answer!
5569483 Thanks for the 150th like! May Littlepip bless you from on high good sir!
5569134
If you want to know about that "Harry" character, read the original Gentleman for Mares in whose universe this story takes place. Search for Gentleman for Mares and you'll find it at the top of the list. It's story-driven clop that's well-written and a surprisingly engrossing read.
5569134 When you read Gentleman For Mares, you will encounter a mare named "Five Stars." Don't struggle, just let her have her way.
img0.derpicdn.net/img/2014/3/25/584662/thumb.jpg
In any case, give Firesight's page a check for his story about the mare that's slain a thousand men. You'll enjoy it!
"Farewell screaming Bronson Pinchot shirt, you died for a worthy cause"! LOL! Best Line ever!
5788340
Stuntman didn't need the shirt anyway to scare the little girl.
I'm not sure if you noticed, but you forgot to close the italic tag after Pinkie blurted out the thing about him being a gentleman.
As a result, the rest the chapter is in italics.
I just thought you would want to know, because I would definitely want to know if I did something like that. Just slip in that closing tag after Pinkie's outburst and you'll be golden.
Also while I'm on the subject of editing.
You have a double negative here, just change never to ever and it's fixed.
5792625 Thanks for catching that. This story has been cursed since inception since it's my first. I'll fix it up.
My sincerest thanks to the anon who changed their downvote to an upvote.
Good story overall. Although to be honest there wasn't much story to this even though you tried to not make it just a clop it kinda just felt like it.
My biggest issue is probably the romance tag even though there is a incredible lack of it.The characters needed to interact with one another a bit more to build up the attraction between them. The ending is left sort of open which is kinda nice because it can either make way for a sequel or leave it open ended for the reader's imagination.
I'll check out the sequel for this one.
5909970 I completely agree with all of this. The sequel is much better, in my opinion, and I hope you enjoy it.
A quite funny story :)
I just actually remembered reading this a while back, didn't know there'd be a sequel at the time but I loved the idea of Rose having that kind of streak in her.
6097220 Did you read the gnarly, pre-edited version? You poor fellow! I had no idea what I was doing then.
I had plans for a sequel within days after finishing the first. By the time I got around to it, the idea of what it would be had changed dramatically. I'm really glad you like it!
I have two comments: given your Cloudkicker draws heavily off of the Winningverse, I find it particularly amusing that you have her engaged in mid-air sex, even by proxy.
My second comment is that I really have no idea how the action is supposed to be working in that scene.
6194005 Neither do I.
cdn0.lostateminor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/creepy.jpg
This was really nice. Looking forward to the sequel later this night. Thnx!
6423182 Thanks, was it worth a like?
Tomorrow, I'm launching the prequel to both this story and the one you're about to read. It will be about the same size as this one. Enjoy!
My sincerest thanks to the anon who changed their downvote to an upvote. Um, anyone else getting Déjà vu?
I thought it would be better to put said thoughts on their respective story.
I'm... Not exactly sure what to say, I loved this, but I don't feel that is enough...
It introduced me to an interesting fetish, gentleman for mares, and was a very good read all on it's own. Though i stand by what i said on another one of your storys, would love to see something like this from Daisy or Lilly's point... Or both (no I don't mean how they reacted to what Rose did to the house, but of a similar experience), I mean they live together, is it that hard to believe Rose might convince them to try (even if accidentally)? Oh well, I'm rambling again.
Loved this, and hope to see more about are lovely flower ponies~ (now if only I could find a story like this about the Spa Twins... Or are they triplets?... Looks at auther... Oh, right, off topic again... Onto the next!)
6444053
This was my first fanfic. I agree that it needed to be a hell of a lot more to really justify its existence, but the skill just wasn't there yet.
As I said on LVGS, I agree with your suggestion that Daisy needs more love. Fertile Ground showed us a mare with a great compassion for life and love of botany... among other things...
She's just now coming into her own and deserves a story.
I introduced you to DEL's masterpiece? I'm honored and humbled that my little experiment brought you into the wonderful world of the Gentlemanverse!
I think it's just Aloe and Lotus. There are some amazing fics of those two out there.
Anyway, once I come up with an angle for a Daisy fic, I'll post a blog.
6444179 oh yeah there are plenty with aloe and lotus in them, but either it's pure clop with no build up even mentioned, their basically whorses (
), or they just get used like in the show as a plot (giggity) turn. Want something with some feeling and love, ya know? Don't always just wanna get off or something.
6444944 Now that you mention it, I can't think of a Spa Ponies story that breaks them down as characters and examines them closely. They're side-characters in The Everfree House though, you shold take a look at that sometime if you want storied clop.
6445624 tryed to read it, not really my style, can't stand story's that swap characters THAT many times. Kinda like hockey, i get so sick of watching the puck slide around back and for after a few goes.
Okay... maybe I should have done more then just skim this before... it seems our stories have a lot more things in common then I thought, right down to the oatmeal for breakfast.
creepy!
6527627 It's uncanny, isn't it?
Did you like the story?
6528848
It was enjoyable. Took a little while to get to Rose, and I would have liked more details and longer scenes with her and Stuntman. But, other then that, it was fun to read.
6529363 It was my first story. I agree, the pacing is pretty awful. All very fair criticisms.
Yeah, not bad mate, not bad at all. Better than anything I could do, I can't write for shit.
I had a little difficulty trying to picture exactly what was going on in the air with the pegasi but I got the general gist.
I would have liked more between Rose and Stuntman. The clop was good, don't get me wrong, I'm not one for overly graphic descriptives, but I would have appreciated a bit more drawn out suspense. She had old mate rock up dressed like a hunter but he didn't actually hunt her. He just waltzed right on in with her rubbing one out on the couch. Maybe that was point. Was this the culmination of the fantasised hunt? From what I picked up from the dialogue; He had already hunted her down and had cornered her in her house. I dunno, I'm not the brightest bulb in the pack, so don't put too much chop on what I say.
Despite those pissy little whinges, I really did enjoy the story as a whole. Stuntman seems a really fun character. I would love to see more of him. I'm gonna have a bit more of a sniff around to see if you've done any more with him.
Cheers mate.
6608473 Glad you enjoyed it. This was the first thing I ever wrote and my stuff only gets better from here.
Well this is certainly gonna be different, and yet strangely familiar...
Well I guess it's safe to say that Pinkie has no problems with G4M. So that makes three for, two against, and one undecided. Wonder which side of the fence Fluttershy will fall on.
So I'm confused. Does she like to be treated like a lady, or a queen?