• Member Since 24th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 1st, 2018

invaderyor


E

Okay, so this is my take 2 to an idea i had years ago and would NOT stay quiet in my head. The first draft, if anyone ever saw it, was terrible. This is by no means perfect, but it's infinity better then it was. This is chapter 1 of god knows how many, so hopefully I'll get another one up in a week or so. If not, well, no harm done I guess.


Ten years has changed everyone in ponyville, none more so then it's Children. Scootaloo has become the local legend, a dynamic stunts men with an attitude to rival those of her idol, and Applebloom keeps herself nice and busy with a booming business in construction and repair. Sweetie Belle is just getting her feet wet in her career, and none have taken greater strides then Diamond Tiara.
the old school bully has become wealthy and successful, just as anyone would have expected her to. But her treatment of others has not been forgotten, and so the young heir to the rich empire, is walled from any friend she could have had. This story is about tearing down walls, with the help of one short little mare, maybe the little princess won't be so lonely anymore.
now if only she could work on her attitude.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 6 )

Came across this while browsing new stories. The small description is fine, but what I saw and read first was anything but relative to the story itself. Thankfully the story was much more interesting then the description we see here, which fails to describe what this story is actually about beyond a school reunion. Which is a shame because this was a most enjoyable story, if one can get past the small mistakes.

Do your story a favor and add to your small description toward your big description. Anyone browsing new stories wouldn't catch what this story is about and skip right past it with the one you chose to use now.

I would try asking someone within our group if they can do a fast proofread for you. You've got a wonderful story here, but, you have a massive section there about Tiara that could be cut in half if you reworded "But her" to "But, Diamond Tiara's" for example. Missing periods. A plural where a singular is required like woMAN instead of woMEN. Basically small mistakes.

Feel free to try asking on our group forum for a proofreader. If you're familiar with gdocs, make a page and paste your story there in it's raw form and link it with 'Comments Enabled'. It's the best way to attract a proofreader to help improve the story.


Hope this doesn't sound discouraging, I rather do like this story. And I very well feel interest in seeing, hoping, this eventually sees a complete tag. Sweetie Belle being so short and seemingly ignored due to Rainbow Dash #2 over there being a showboat. lol

I had trouble seeing this as anything anthro. A lot of things could of been just as easily done full pony. Not that I'm picky either way, just seemed cuter at the thought DT almost trotted over/ran over Sweetie Belle.

Nice confrontation with Bloom there. Seems she was looking for an excuse there for a moment to do something.

Eagerly anticipating a chapter 2. Can't wait to see if DT leaves or something/someone makes her stay.

4957034 I typed this all up before, but I think FF deleted it.
I was saying that this is pretty much the perfect first comment someone could have gotten. Constructive, friendly, and inspiring. and I don't mean the kind of 'constructive' that leaves a writer sobbing in the corner, but actual helpful advice. I've already rewritten the description, and I'll try and start the next chapter tomorrow.
I hope that you enjoy the progress of the story.

This chapter was wonderful!

I think this is quite possibly the first genuine Diamond Belle story since The Royals' side stories. This ship is criminally under-represented. This chapter really set the bar for what we can expect to see.

Why can't more people write Diamond Belle ships? It's adorable as hell!

Best of luck with the next chapter.

P.S. #4: You couldn't have picked a better song if you tried. Rock on!

P.S.S. You need to double check your story. Some parts where you may have double spaced aren't spacing properly. Example:

Diamond watched, mystified by her performance. The song came to its bridge, building with such intensity that Sweetie was hunched over the mike, hollering with every chord for the dynamic end. The crowd exploded so completely that Diamond Tiara jumped in her seat. Shouts and cheers and roars of applause filled the club. Diamond felt a blush on her cheeks, and hastily turned back to her drink, swallowing it down quickly. Sweetie Belle giggled brightly, red as a strawberry, and began bowing to the crowd.
The blue colt came out on stage, clapping as loudly as everyone and watching sweetie with something like hungry pride. Diamond didn’t trust that gaze, but she said nothing. The colt gave Sweetie Belle a hug, which she accepted happily. He turned to the crowd as Sweetie headed backstage. Diamond Tiara left her table to try and meet her.

If you're exporting these from a google docs, careful. Might want to run through the FimFic version to make sure you have everything showing up properly. On Chrome and Firefox and it's all just walls of text, though when you copy and paste it like I did it shows you used the spacing. So, formatting error somewhere in posting.

4970668 I'm glad to see I have a reoccurring fan for this project ^_^
I am completly and truly delighed you like my story, and so long as I have even one fan reading these things, I'll continue to crank them out.

as for Diamond Belle, the pairing had never been much to me BEFORE this idea came to be, then it was all I could think about everytime I saw Diamond on screen. I know most people think she's a bitch, and she is... there's no getting over that, but because of this idea I see so much more potential in that. I don't want to give away too much and ruin the (hopeful) surprise, but I'm going to try and dive into why she was such a horrible person. I'm not a psychiatrist though, so we'll see how that goes.

Thank you for your kind words of engouragment, you truly have no idea how much they can help. Honestly, my biggest complaint about this story so far is that it lacks focus. Hopefully I'll be able to fix that with the next chapter, and maybe flesh out the relationship between these two a little more.
I hope to see you there ^__^ :heart:

Not sure where but you put "sense" instead of "since". Loving the story so far, but I'm on mobile so can't say much

I'm really liking this story. I hope there's more to come.

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